Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I've been traveling a lot for talks and otherwise swamped with work on top of being fairly exhausted. Sleep is getting tough. I hope it is not a harbinger of what the remainder of this pregnancy will be like. I am uncomfortable. My legs are restless and achy. My back has started to hurt sometimes at night. Which all translates to me getting through my busy days and travel as best I can and then trying to take it easy when I can.
Today marks 18 weeks, 5 days. Wowza. I can't believe we are still pregnant. That time is still passing. I show my stomach to Will almost every night, with the question/comment - "Can you believe this?!" He just smiles at me and says it's amazing.
It is feeling more real. I am able to hold the idea that we might actually have a baby on one hand, and simultaneously hold the possibility that we could lose her at any time. I was worried I wouldn't be able to imagine a good outcome at all, so being able to hold both outcomes seems like a step in the right direction.
Ninety percent of the time, I'd say I'm able to hold the good and imagine we will have a living child. We talk like this, that this child will have a name, and have a room, a future in our family, etc. Which is good, but also strange-feeling.
And then 10% of the time, I'm afraid. Sometimes deeply afraid. I've had lots of uterine sensations this week. I usually feel something once or twice a week, but this week it's been pretty much every day at some point. Sometimes just an odd feeling, sometimes a uterine tightening. Sometimes a stabbing vaginal pain, although that's been momentary. It's been hard not to get scared that something is wrong. That my cervix is giving way, that something is wrong with the baby. So I went in this week to get checked. Baby looked much the same as last week, slumped over with the weight of her ginormous, heavy head. The OB checked my cervix also, and she said it was fine. So that was reassuring, although I am still a little nervous.
This is the way things are right now. Trying to take an acceptance stance. Not judge myself. Just get reassurance when I need it. Take things one day at a time. Let myself a little more and a little more, imagine a positive outcome.
As far as we know, all continues to go well. Edging closer and closer every day. Hoping for the best.
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