It's official

The beta is negative.

I just received the call from my RE. We'll be meeting with him Friday to discuss what to make of this latest failure and what our next steps should be. Seems safe to say that all three of us (Will, me, and the RE) are shocked and disappointed. I said as much to the RE and he said back in this wistful voice, "Yeah. Especially because the embryos looked so beautiful." He shared that he had feared we'd be facing selective reduction, not another negative cycle.

Amazing to me still that we could transfer five gorgeous embryos and get nothing.

The RE said that all ten of the physicians at my IVF clinic have a team meeting tomorrow and he will present my case to the group. I'm glad we'll get some other eyes and minds and opinions on the situation, although I dread that they will conclude that the situation is hopeless. Still, I guess better to find out what they all think.

I stayed home from work today, partially because I haven't really been sleeping and partially because I wanted some privacy to take this call. I would have been in the psychiatric ER today (working, not as a patient, although today the line feels a little thin) and there is nowhere on that unit where you can be alone. And you're locked in thoroughly, so it would be hard to get out (multiple doors and keys) to even have a non-private but more private hallway to talk in.

Will is just crushed and so am I. Learning that IVF #4 failed has been terrible, especially since it feels like we went for broke with the endometrial coculture and aggressive transfer. It's almost as painful as our first miscarriage. It feels like conceiving and raising our own genetic child is an increasingly distant likelihood.

Right now the toll of all we've been through in the past 19 months is reverberating in our lives and hearts, magnified by this latest blow. Shortly we will somehow begin the process of scraping ourselves off of the floor and moving forward, although how right now eludes me.

Thank you for all of your comments and support. They have meant the world to us. We feel broken and so very, very alone. Reading your words lessens our aloneness. We are extremely grateful.

Mo