I've been away from the blog, burrowed down into myself, trying to remember what my life was like before we started trying to conceive, trying to reconnect with my husband Will, trying to reconnect with my former, happy self.
We've been in the midst of a lot of traveling, a lot of processing of our five losses, thinking about the future. Just sitting in the I-don't-know-where-to-go-from-here place we find ourselves in. I haven't been writing because so much of this has been on a not quite verbal level. And Will has not really been ready to move forward just yet. Truth be told, probably neither am I.
I have been moving toward a place of being more truly open, for the first time, to all possibilities. Depending on the day, I'm imagining adoption, imagining donor egg parenting, imagining trying again. I've also been doing my homework on recurrent miscarriage (more on this in future posts), trying to educate myself. If an answer is knowable, I want to know it. If it is NOT knowable, I want to know that too, so I can make peace with the not knowing.
As part of trying to reconnect with my former pre-trying-to-conceive self, I bought a bicycle yesterday - and today, I biked to work. It felt fun, active, slightly risky - ok, to be honest, fairly nervous-making - given the big city I live in. But I felt vibrant and alive. Like I'm not just waiting for something to happen, waiting for a baby to come into our lives. Like I'm out there living my life.
A brief reconnection with the woman I used to be. It was nice to catch a glimpse of her again.
Mo
Good for you trying to reconnect with your happy self. I am so sorry for all you have been going through and I wish it was different. I am hear if you need an ear...just email me. Sending hugs and if you find good info on recurrent miscarriage please send my way.
ReplyDeleteMo - it is sometimes so hard to find ourselves, as we loose little tiny pieces of us along the way, with each setback, with each loss.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you are reconnecting with you.
It sounds like you're doing well, doing the work, and I know you're braver than me, biking to work in the city! Yikes! I know you're already - or about to be - crazy busy, but if/when you have some time, we'd love to get together with you guys. Take care of yourself. You know I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're hanging in there. I pray you get some answers. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI've felt the most peace in this journey when I've just gone back to living and loving. I hope you rediscover yourself with ease.
ReplyDeleteMo, I've been thinking about you so much. Hoping that you've been healing and deciding and finding peace with whatever you decide to do. And it sounds like you have been doing just that. I can just *see* you riding your bike, weaving through the traffic and feeling exhilarated and it makes me smile.
ReplyDeleteI have been been thinking about you Mo and was thrilled to see you posted. I feel very connected to your situation. You get through cancer, thinking to yourself it will all be ok in the end if I can still have a child of my own' - Like the cancer won't count if you conquer infertility. And when the plan doesn't work the way you think, the inconvenience and reality of life after cancer comes back at you full force. You are slapped with the realization you are not like the other young women having babies, you are a cancer victim. And we want to be survivors, not victims who can't have babies...that feels like we didn't beat cancer, because it's like it beat you reproductively, and it took the part that matters to you the most. I love your courage Mo. I look to your blog often as model of how to move forward and follow the dream in spite of everything. You are a remarkable young woman. I am very sorry for what has happened to you, but know in my heart you will come out on top in the end. I am also sorry for the ramble....Liz
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from you. Been thinking of you. Just know that I'm only an email, a phone call, a subway ride, or a taxi ride away.
ReplyDeleteBiking in city traffic scares me, but the trip through the park must be wonderful. You're very brave, but that's not news!
Good to hear from you. Sounds like you and Will are taking some much needed time to reconnect and heal yourselves - body, heart and soul.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your biking adventures!!
So good to hear from you, Mo. You've been in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you for checking in....I've been thinking of you. I love that you bought that bike!
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Kudos on the biking to work. Whatever helps you to recapture part of that pre-loss Mo is fabulous. I hope you are able to revel in it a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from you again...
so glad to hear about this. i've been thinking of you lots!!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Glad to hear from you! Congrats on the bike! A friend of mine writes a really cute little biking blog I bet you would enjoy!
ReplyDeletehttp://letsgorideabike.wordpress.com/
I'm so glad to hear from you. I've been thinking about you two and glad to hear that you are doing OK.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Im so glad you are finding your happy self again!
ReplyDeleteSo happy to hear you are out there living while you decide what next on your journey. Sometimes a little break (or a bicycle ride!) can help us better understand ourselves.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you wear your helmet, have lights on if it's getting dark out, don't listen to music while biking, and keep your eyes open to watch for all the idiot drivers out there (defensive biking is key!), you'll hopefully be fine! I biked to work in Toronto for 5 years, where Toronto drivers are notoriously bad. Never felt all that unsafe, but I really watched for the morons, and feel completely naked without my helmet on.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're taking your time to process things and get back to things you enjoy.
missed you, but so understand the need to step away. omg a bike - I have no idea why that strikes fear in my heart. I would rather hike for hours than challenge my balance on a bike. you rock.
ReplyDeleteWait, let me say that again:
Mo, you rock. Take as long as you need to remember that.
Embracing you.
I am so happy to see your post. After 2 losses this year, I cried "ugg" + some depression lead me to start with a psychotherapist. Just trying to tune things up. To help address my anxiety, I'm concentrating on being a woman of action: visualizing my anxieties moving away during my runs, reminding myself that I'm acting everyday, and actively communicating with my husband. So here's to the action and the living.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are able to enjoy the little things in life. What a challenge this can be in the face of overwhelming grief. Bike riding sounds like great medicine to me!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to see you emerge. I've been following you for awhile... we've lost multiple chilren from a genetic issue (one at 8 months of age and several in gestation) and it's amazing how that situation has opened our hearts to something that seemed strange and impossible before... we now have 2 children via donor eggs and we seriously considered adoption... and I can tell you from 1st hand experience that regardless of genetics... a child that is born into your heart it 100% without a doubt your child...
ReplyDelete- Heather
I've been following your blog for quite some time, and am glad to see you reconnecting and emerging once again. I have been where you are...after 9 (yes NINE) miscarriages in various stages of pregnancy, we were worked up by 2 of the best clinics in the country. We got no definitive results, but somehow that is OK. We looked into adoption after much soul searching and deciding we wanted to be parents, and DNA didn't call me mommy, a child did. It's been a long ride, and 3 years later we have 2 beautiful kids through the gift of adoption. Give yourself time to soul search and whatever you decide, I wish you the very best.
ReplyDeleteYou've inspired me. Time to recapture the pre-TTC woman in me too. Kudos for being so strong. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteBiking in the city!! you go girl - I used to bike in a park and I would get freaked out when a car or runner came by!
ReplyDeleteIt is really good to hear from you, I think of you often. I am glad to hear that you are gathering information.
I hear you. I think that the juncture of knowing if you can or cannot know, and living with that, is critical to being able to move on to the next phase with psychic integrity.
ReplyDeleteWe all have a wild woman within, a powerful primal archetype of a free strong female. How wonderful that you are reconnecting with yours. She is an amazing resource in times of scarce energy and vitality. Everytime we have a traumatic experience, shamans say we leave bits of ourselves behind, and therefore they do soul retrievals to help us get whole once again. There are, of course, many ways to call your soul back to you. Glad to hear you are finding yours.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear from you Mo! I've been thinking about you and wondering how you have been. I'm glad to hear you say that biking made you feel vibrant and alive!
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to hear from you again! My husband and I love biking, and he bikes to work for at least 1.5 hour frequently.
ReplyDeleteI hope the exercise will help to clear up your mind!
Take care!