I went in for monitoring this morning and damn if there aren't 17 or so follicles of various sizes cooking away inside me. Only 7 were above 10 mm, but things are still quite early so hopefully, hopefully, we'll get a good number going.
Seeing the follicles developing on the ultrasound - and feeling them develop abdominally - does provide a momentary glimmer that maybe....just maybe...
But at the same time, it's still pretty hard to be hopeful. We've had about 45 embryos created before and, um, I don't see a baby, do you? Maybe I misplaced it somewhere...
Going through all this, and not feeling very hopeful tends to make me feel somewhat guilty and confused. If I don't think it can work, then why are we going through this? What, we didn't have any thing else to do with $30k? Hmm... Obviously not. We couldn't find a different hobby? No.... Denver seemed like the best place to spend a week off from work? ...Nope. So we must have some hope, but it is so tenuous and the fear is so much bigger than our fragile hope.
And alongside all these thoughts and feelings exists another tiny nagging fear: that if my head isn't in the right place, maybe my ovaries won't be either. (We call this magical thinking in psychology, but labeling it doesn't always make it disappear.)
I received an email from Dora of My Preconceived Notion with just the perfect sentiment: "Your ovaries don't give a crap whether you're feeling hopeful or not. They're just busy gobbling up those FSH shots."
Gobble away, ovaries! Please disregard the fearful being you're housed inside. And fearful being, let's try to entertain the possibility - just the slightest possibility - that maybe this could work. And that if not, somehow Will and you will be ok.
I leave for Denver tomorrow. Will will join me out there on Wednesday. Retrieval is very tentatively scheduled for a week from tomorrow.
Stay tuned. And thanks as always for your support.
Mo
Good luck with your trip to Denver.
ReplyDeleteI have the utmost hope for you!
LOOK at that beautiful ovary! Seriously, looking fine in there. And no, your feelings of hopelessness aren't going to jinz this, and besides, if you need an extra magical dose of hope to cheer your ovaries on, I'm hoping extra hard. Surely that counts for something in magic land.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
I found your blog a while back when I was planning my own cycle at CCRM... I am so hopeful for you because I am a true believer that CCRM can make all the difference. After 5 unsuccessful IUIs and 2 IVFs (through which we only ever got 10 eggs which created 2 just two below average embryos, which got me pregnant for about 15 seconds last year) I was referred to CCRM and they retrieved 17 eggs in early Feb. and I just found out I have 5 geneticallly normal embryos. The difference in success has been astounding. I wish the same and more for you! Are you doing PGS (or CCS - they have so many acronyms to describe the same thing)? Best of luck as you travel to Denver tomorrow. I'll be following your progress!
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear your ovaries are having a good month:).
ReplyDeleteIt can be discouraging after so many failures. And I too sometimes wondered if I was just banging my head against the proverbial brick wall. But this is a new cycle with a new clinic... and ovaries that are behaving themselves..
I am holding out much hope for you:).
Good luck!
Safe travels, Mo. It looks like you are off to a great start. Remember, fear and hope are the yin and yang of IVF, and we've all had the pangs of both while going through this. It's normal.
ReplyDeleteKepp up the good egg-growing work, they are doing fine!!
Oh Mo. I have so been where you are. That heading out to Denver for our last chance ivf and not sure what the hell to think. I agree that your ovaries do not know or care what you're thinking/feeling/hoping/wishing--and as so much of this stuff it all boils down to simple (and very complex!) biology. It's the only way to make sense of it in the grander scheme of things (at least for us) and at the same time we always had to remember that medicine is still so much more of an art than a science. BUT, all that being said, because there is art, because there is biology, because your ovaries are going to respond regardless of your mind or magical thinking means there is most definitely room for hope.
ReplyDeleteLet us hold onto the hope for you if you just don't really have it in you. It's the least we can do.
Lots of luck to you girl. It looks like those follies are indeed little gobblers. :) I'm hoping for you.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck Mo. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will be it for you.
ReplyDeleteWow - 17! That is just amazing, and I hope CCRM is able to add you to the good side of their stats this time! Take care, and enjoy Denver.
ReplyDeleteHey, 17 measurable and 7 >10 sounds great to me. My two cycles started off with just a couple >10 and then a whole crop would just pop right up.
ReplyDeleteI think CCRM with their protocol and lab will make all the difference. Whatever your emotional frame of mind.
Wishing you a fantastic stim phase and some excellent retrieval and fert report stats to post over the next week or so. Good luck!
Follie count sounds great! You are entitled to your emotions - you have been through hell and hopefully it is over soon...
ReplyDeleteI hate the fact that everyone tells us that our stress and fear will affect our fertility. I think stress of a more objective kind--like you're only getting 5 hours of sleep a night, you never have time to sit on the couch, etc--can affect it. But I have to just believe that my fear about the infertility won't keep me from being fertile. It's really true--those little eggs don't give a crap that you're terrified they'll quit growing!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like things are moving right along and going well. Even a little bit of hope, even if it is hard to find, makes it worth it. Good Luck in Denver!
ReplyDeleteLove Dora's comment...and I agree. I'm keeping some hope for you, so if you don't feel it don't worry. Thinking of you throughout your journey this week...
ReplyDelete7 over 10 already??? awesome! Mo, things ARE happening in there, good things, necessary things. Fear is bigger than hope only because it is louder and wears more spikey things and makes menacing gestures. And stomps a lot.
ReplyDeleteI'll be hoping for you with all my heart for the best each step of the way--
safe travels,
wildly happily active ovaries (looks incredible!)
many eggs retrieved
all fertilized
many many normal
and many many to put back
and one or two to be the ones that make the miniMo, and many more for siblings.
I'm just sayin'.
A beloved of mine once said it does not cost any more to dream big, but I guess sometimes it does or at least it seems to. But that does not mean the big dreams can't come true.
HOPING HOPING HOPING for you and sending love,
Kate
17 this early is fantastic. Clearly your ovaries are not fearful.
ReplyDeleteHoping hard foryou and crossing all fingers and toes for an amazing week in Denver.
Dora is a wise woman!
ReplyDeleteGood thoughts to you. May Denver bring you everything you've hoped for...
I agree with Dora, don't spend energy worrying about whether you are feeling positive enough. After a year of failed IVF, I got pregnant on our last try, after my husband and I agreed we would try one more time, but we knew it would not work. I like to tell people that I am a believer in the power of negative thinking.
ReplyDeletesending good vibes and happy egg thoughts to you in Denver!
ReplyDeleteThere's a very good Indian joint on Arapaho Road that I highly recommend! Also you should hit up Lucille's Creole Cafe. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAh, yes. The power of negative thinking. It worked for me. My first FET, I was so sure it would work. Lining was awesome, 100% thaw rate, embies looked great ... BFN. Second try, I was so discouraged. Even though, again, lining looked good, thaw rate 100% again, etc. I really didn't think it would work. Well, you know the rest.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, girlfriend. You're in my thoughts.
Wow! You have some hungry ovaries in there! I'm so glad things seem to be going well for you so far. I can't believe how fast it goes once the ball gets rolling. Keep hope and faith alive...you are doing great!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on such a good yield so early on! I hope your experience with CCRM is a good one and that you have success with this upcoming transfer.
ReplyDeleteThe image of the follies made me wistful...we stopped ART to conceive a sibling in July...but oh do I sometimes wish I was still in the game.
Will be thinking nothing but bumper crop thoughts and awaiting your updates.
I know what you mean about magical thinking not being disloged by naming it. It sort of goes "Yeah! I'm magic! Keep thinking this way!" What I always find amusing (when i'm on the outside of MT, that is) is how my magical thinking is never "I'm so postive that my ovaries can't help but work!" It's always negativly skewed.
ReplyDeleteI hope it works. I want it to work. And if it doesn't, I wish you a journey that ends in a baby, and some sense of peace with having tried every last thing.
YOu may not feel hopeful, but I'm hoping for you. I hope hope hope today's journey to Denver is the beginning of a brand new journey for you.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are doing great Mo! Good luck in Denver this week!
ReplyDeleteHope they keep busting out in a good way.
ReplyDelete