Yesterday, Will phoned me from work (he was on call) and as we were chatting, burst out with "I wish we could get the microarray results back right now!" We are currently 14 days into our wait for the the chromosome analysis results...
I have to tell you, it surprised me. On two fronts. I'm usually the one bringing up IVF-related matters. And I tend to feel bad about this. In fact, sometimes, I try to censor myself, storing up "infertility thoughts" and sharing them all at once (the infertility digest version?) so that poor Will can have a break from hearing about it sometimes. So to have Will bring up the topic of IVF/infertility at all, well, that was a bit of a shocker. Kind of a nice shocker, but still.
And then there was the second aspect of it that was a little startling. As he started talking, I realized that Will is actually more impatient than I am about finding out the results of this cycle. Now there's a switcheroo. I'm usually the one feeling anxious, feeling urgent, feeling that wemustdosomethingnownowNOW! And he's usually the one advising calm, advising patience with the process, counseling zen-ness with the uncertainty of it all.
Interesting how things flip around sometimes. Will said to me incredulously, "Don't you just want to know now?" And I answered honestly (and I realize this may sound really weird) that No, I don't really want to know just yet. Part of that is driven by the fact that since we got our mediocre FISH results on the sex chromosomes, I've thought that our chances of having a chromosomally normal embryo in the batch of 7 blastocysts is about as likely as...well...winning the lottery. And I'm in an ok sort of space right now emotionally, which I know I won't be if and when we get devastating news. So I'm feeling no rush to get that news.
And also, I'm strangely enjoying this in-between time. Because at this moment there is absolutely nothing that I am supposed to be doing on the infertility front. And what a relief that is. Sure, we'll have timed intercourse this month, just like we always do, just in case some miracle might happen, but that's no big deal. Until we get the results, I'm basically off the hook, reproductivewise. No pressure to do anything, no fear that time is ticktickticking past and our chances of having a family are going out the window with every passing day. Because our chances? Well, they incubated in a petri dish and are frozen in Colorado just now.
So it's kind of funny here in the land of in-between...to see my dear husband for once be the one who just can't bear all the waiting. Me - at least for today - I'm going to continue to enjoy this downtime and just kick up my heels. And now I can maybe look forward to also having Will bring up IVF sometimes.
As the petri dish turns, for once the shoe is one the other foot.
"IVF is on your mind again, Will? Ok, I'll be a good wife. Of course we can talk about it. But really, honey, you've got to relax. You're driving yourself crazy."
Mo
I'm very glad he's bringing it up sometimes - takes a bit of the pressure off you. Shoot, I still can't get the Boy to get verbally involved in my pregnancy. As far as the IVF stuff went, I think that - to this day - he has no idea what was going on with it 99% of the time. Will's a good guy to get impatient (& to tell you how impatient he is.)
ReplyDeleteSo whatcha doin' this week? Got evening/Sunday plans? We should get together/get the pups together/get the boys together. Any or all of the above!
It's great to hear you're feeling fairly relaxed! I also kind of like the in-between times, when you don't have any IF-related pills or tests to be taking, or things to be checking. Enjoy it, and I do hope you get great results back!
ReplyDelete:) Glad he's as invested in this as you are. Hoping for good results soon!
ReplyDeletei love the land of *inbetween*. i do very well there, even if i know the end result if not what i wanna hear. at which point, i lose it. let's keep fingers crossed that you're due your share of luck this time, and there's a good one in there :o)
ReplyDeleteAh Mo,
ReplyDeletefirst, kudos to Will for bringing it up and therefore creating a sense of balance. aaaaah good. I also store things up and barf them out all at once otherwise I will be perpetual. one trick pony.
second, there is peace in the in between. I found it to be true too. Cyst cycles. for example, well, what can you do? not much, just be, and wait and enjoy not needing to DO anything right now.
and if you are in an ok place emotionally after so much storm? Why would anyone want to rush out of that gift of a mood into the unknown?
I hope when your good news comes, it comes fast, good on the front end so the good just sweeps all the other stuff away and does not allow anxiety to win.
hugs to you,
kate
PS confirmation word: surge!
Isn't it great when husbands get unexpectedly involved? My husband asked me something about our cycle the other day. It wasn't an important question--I don't even remember what it was--but it made me smile because I suddenly realized he was more invested in this than I realized, even though he talks about it very little. It was nice.
ReplyDeleteHope you're enjoying your respite. Sometimes when you're expecting bad news, it's nice to have no news at all.
I just found your blog from Lost and Found Connections. I'm so glad I did.
ReplyDelete-K
http://mypottyseat.blogspot.com/
Great that you're able to eek out some peace on this hectic, unpredictable journey. And yay for Will who obviously gets it... all of it. Hoping for fabulously good results.
ReplyDeletewhats funny is that now after years and years Mr and I are on the same infertile page, he no longer tells me about any pregnant people and finally finally finally "gets it". I found myself taking on the role of "comforter" and it was sorta nice.
ReplyDeletestill waiting along with you for those results.
Hello.
ReplyDeletePlease read how IVF medications led to my breast cancer and how a breast cancer study using genetic testing to check estrogen metabolism is saving my life. Please share my story with all women who have used or are considering IVF, HRT and anyone with estrogen positive breast cancer.
Thanks
Stacia
Hi I'm dying to find out what happened. My story is so similar to urs. I'm in Manhattan, and went to Cornell..they told me my embryos wouldn't even make it to blastocyst after 3 failed ivf's. So we went to CCRM. I had 6 make it to day 5 & 6 and one was an euploid & 1 inconclusive..so now we are deciding on whether to do another ivf or just use those 2. Dr schoolcraft will help us with that. I'm 42 & my chances are on the low side. I don't want to do another ivf but I know I have to. Anyway I'm hoping you have a children because of ccrm. It's encouraging to hear ur story.
ReplyDeleteAh, Anonymous at 3:53, March 7, 2014 - read on!!! The plot thickens! But spoiler alert - yes, it does have a happy ending. And I wish so so very much that your story does, too.
ReplyDeleteMo