Still out here, biding my time, waiting for June to arrive and with it our time to cycle again in Denver.
While I wait, I've been struck by the thought that, boy, all these IVFs and pregnancies and miscarriages (and more IVFs and more pregnancies and more miscarriages) have been a long, LONG, drawn out process.
And somehow, cycling in Denver has made a process that was as slow as molasses before now seem downright glacial, what with the waiting to cycle and the biopsying and freezing and waiting for test results and the lining building and waiting to transfer, etc.
It's hard to be patient. But at the same time, it's nice to step out of the reproductive madness long enough to get my psychological bearings from time to time. So during this latest wait, I have been taking my temperature again on this whole baby-making business.
In the past, when I've thought about our family building options, I have tried (and tried) to feel ok about adoption, about donor egg. Because while those paths don't look easy, they sure look more certain to work out than our current path. But try as I might, these have just not quite felt right. Can't quite put my finger on why, but something inside me has shrunk away from these paths, never letting them feel completely acceptable or ok for me. This is even as I admire other people's adopted babies and marvel at still others' egg donation miracles.
Well...not sure what to make of it...but something seems to be a'shifting.
Again, can't put my finger on it exactly, but I'm noticing a movement inside, a leaning more toward feeling that I'm ready for us to have a baby in our lives. Come hell or high water or however we have to get him or her here. I'm getting awfully tired of waiting. But while I've been doing all this waiting, it seems that my fearful little heart has grown a few sizes. That my confidence has grown that I could love - and feel all those wonderful glowing mothering feelings toward - a baby who came my way by a number of avenues, not just the avenue I've been so hell bent on achieving.
Was checking in with myself recently and was surprised to realize this. That as we're waiting to cycle again, this openness had snuck up on me.
Funny that we're heading into another IVF cycle as I'm noticing this shift in perspective, an opening in my heart. And that for the first time, we have three chromosomally normal (but wonky) blasts on ice. One of which might be able to grow into a live baby. It would be wonderful if that happened. But it's wonderful too to think that if this latest path doesn't work out that I can be ok - more than ok - perfectly happy - with another path to have a child.
Who ever would have thought? Not sure why it's finally coming, but it's a wonderful development.
Mo
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Mo - I really really hope that this cycle or your icies work. Yet, it is really lovely to hear this from you.
ReplyDeleteI second jencini. :)
ReplyDeleteMo
ReplyDeleteWow
What an amazing thing
Your heart has gotten larger. That is beautiful. I would love to watch you through donor egg cycle. You know with donor egg, the child may not be your exact genetic match, but you contribute so much to them biologically. What you do while pregnant determines so much. It's you and wills voice they hear the entire pregnancy. It's yourmovement the baby feels. It's everything you eatthat contributes to their tast buds. I have two ivf babies that are both genetically related but I already see how what I do with them reflects how they react. And they are only three weeks old.
I know you are going to be an amazing mom..
Can you feel how big my smile is from a mile away?
ReplyDelete"That my confidence has grown that I could love - and feel all those wonderful glowing mothering feelings toward - a baby who came my way by a number of avenues, not just the avenue I've been so hell bent on achieving."
Well, I've long known this about you, but of course you had to get there in your own time. We are all hoping your eggies are going to go the distance, but I think this new perspective is going to make next month's cycle so much more relaxed. (Not that that is going to make it work, but still, anxiety sucks!) I really believe you will be a mommy in 2011.
Rock on, Dr. Mommy!!!
I, too, sometimes feel the openness to adoption sneaking up on me.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't all the waiting for a cycle to begin just BITE? What I really hate about waiting is that you start wishing time would go faster...and life's just too short to wish our lives to go faster and I find the entire process of waiting impatiently for this process to launch at odds with my sanity. I'm one of those people who likes to suck the marrow out of life and it's hard to do that when I'm hurrying to get to tomorrow.
wonderful indeed!
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear about your growing heart, and it opens up all avenues for hope and happiness. Good lick with your upcoming IVF, and good luck finding you family, whichever path you take.
ReplyDeleteSo happy that you're feeling open to other options, and simultaneously feeling so hopeful that this upcoming cycle is going to be perfect, and result in a perfect baby. Thinking of you - give me a call when you have some time (which I know might not be til after Denver is done!)
ReplyDeleteI totally get this. I've always wanted to adopt but something after our second miscarriage really shifted in me and suddenly I was ready. Of course, they won't let us until we quit IVF, and I'm not ready for that! But I'm a lot more open to whatever comes our way.
ReplyDeleteHow wonderful! Sending all kinds of positive vibes your (and Will's) way.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya Mo.
ReplyDeleteI remember the first time that hit me, it was such a shock. We finally got to the place where we realized we could probably, eventually have a child who was genetically related to me (via IUI), or my husband (DE and CGH), or we could just throw in the towel and get a real live baby with DE and DS.And there are still sad moments, and when we had to let go of our first donor, I felt a huge twinge of regression,but we are going gaily forward! Yesterday's announcement by Eva at the Egg Drop Post about her adoption opened a whole other window in my soul.
ReplyDeleteGreat news about being so ready, no matter how your children come to be.
ReplyDeleteAmazing that you feel that way, Mo. Funny, I can recall the moment I was at peace with both DE and adoption. It took....ahwhile, years actually. But then one day it just...ok. It was OK. And then I got excited that I was open to these options because it does indeed open up the world to you.
ReplyDeleteSunshine
Your child will be the center of your universe, however he or she comes to you. I hope that you have great success with the wonky blasts, but I'm so happy for your new outlook. :) I got there too..and it's a good place to be. I woke up one morning and decided that I didn't care if my kids shared my genes (by sheer luck, they do, poor things). It was really liberating. Best of luck to you with whatever path you take.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how the line in the sand keeps moving the longer you are stuck in the infertility rut. Yes, for some the line never moves, but for us, what was NEVER an option to begin with, was what gave us success in the end.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck with your next cycle & hopefully you wont have to make any other big decisions.
that's how it begins, with the heart opening.
ReplyDeletewishing you well with this cycle too.
Mo~ I wasn't surprised to read your post. You are so incredibly strong and determined to reach your goals, no matter what they are...You determination will make you a fabulous Mom, regardless of how the babe comes to you! Hoping and praying your cycle goes off without a hitch and soon you will be looking back at this and saying "It was all worth it" as you hold your lil one...
ReplyDeletesounds like you're in a great place Mo! I remember when I first felt that - after we were told we had to work with a surrogate - and it felt so so so good. When I realized that we just wouldn't stop life got a bit easier.
ReplyDeletehugs.
This sounds like a good place to be, Mo. Pursuing this Denver IVF and not just thinking about but embracing future possibilities.
ReplyDeleteI'm not there yet, for reasons I'm not sure I can articulate even to myself. But there's this part of me that thinks if a perfect embryo fell into my hands no matter how, I'd use it...
I think it is while still in the fertility treatment cycle that a lot of us come to the realization that, yes, we could love a child that didn't hold our genetic material. I knew that before we finished our IVF's and actually was planning in parallel for an IVF and adoption when we got lucky and got pregnant with our son...but once he was born...I realized it wasn't his genes that made me love him...it is the little person that he is...and now that he is 2 years old, I realize that I love him more now than when he was born because of who he is...not because of his biology. so...instead of going through another $40k and a really crappy chance for a 2nd child through IVF and our goods...we moved immediately to adoption...embryo adoption. I am now 13 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child and it feels so much the same as when I was pregnant with William. I already love this baby and am so excited to get to know him/her and I have no doubt it will be the same as with our son. My husband is bonding as well as we listen to that little heartbeat on our home monitor and see how excited our son is when he talks about "his baby". I am confident you will have your family...I pray your current cycles do it for you...but am so happy to hear your heart has grown...it is a journey to get to that place and each person travels his/her own path...but I don't know of a single person who has regretted it. So just keep on thinking about your options...pray for your frozen embies and the good ones that are to come from this upcoming cycle and I look forward to following your journey in the coming months. I will be rooting for you!
ReplyDeletekd
Sometimes, the thing can be our enemy is the same thing that brings us clarity - time.
ReplyDeleteI hope the same is true for me and am beginning to feel like it may be, even if I am still stuck. But it is good to see you finding your way to the idea of other ways of building your family. I can't wait to be there, cheering you on, when you get there.
This is a wonderful thing. While we were TTC (for 3 years) I had the same questions in my mind. Now that I'm a parent, I know the love doesn't come from sharing DNA. For me it comes from having a beautiful pure creature depend on me for everything, and it comes from watching her discover the world.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. This is all definitely a process. You never quite know where it is taking you. It's all about learning how to open your heart, I believe.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful revelation! I do hope your next cycle works for you, but if not, it's so good to know your heart is open to options.
ReplyDeleteGreat name for a post. It's true. Sometimes IVF is not a magical cure on the first try. Love your attitude! Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteFeeling not quite right about adoption or using a donor egg is perfectly fine and normal. Hell, it's not even your doing. You are a product of an evolutionary principle that tells you to reproduce YOUR genes. I get it (and I did accept donor eggs) and there isn't a thing you can do about those feelings, nor should you.
ReplyDeleteI say, let it all ride naturally. Frankly, I have YET to see someone simply walk away from having a child if the donor egg or adoption path was still available but everyone's time to get there is individual. Mine was quick (I didn't want to blow another cent on my mediocre eggs that were in short supply) but some people can remain focused on the genetic path for years. Many times they have success. Sometimes not.
I'll say this, if you want to succeed with your own eggs and are having trouble, there is truly NO better place to do it than CCRM. And I wish you success this next cycle - I have very good feelings about it!
Having an open heart is always a good thing, no matter where it leads you. So happy that this realization is bringing you some peace and some open doors. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThis made me so happy...You'll be great parents, no matter how it happens. Best of luck.
ReplyDelete