All we are is broken

I've been so quiet because I'm not sure what to say.

Because Will and I have just been wading through this. Through all the loss. The heartache.

And it's hard to know what to write about it. I am so sad, and so angry, at our situation. At everything we have given up, all the losses incurred on our journey. And I don't just mean the pregnancy losses, although those are substantial. I mean the loss of innocence, the losses in my marriage (we've been doing IVF since two months after we married - almost four years now).

I am angry at all Will has sacrificed as we've tried to start a family - huge emotional sacrifices, huge financial sacrifices. And these are my losses too. There are also physical effects of all we have been through: I am 30 pounds heavier than I have ever been in my life. I used to run marathons, complete triathlons. I can't even imagine doing that now.

And I am not just physically heavy. I am emotionally heavy. Months of lupron and prednisone will do both to you. Six miscarriages also take their toll. Even with these sizable costs, I'd do it all again - I'd give up anything, go through anything, to bear a child.

Except we don't succeed. We've gone for broke over and over again. And all we are is broken.

So I am in a place of grieving. And of reckoning. And of mending things in my marriage and maybe in my own heart, too.

The way forward is as murky as it has ever been.

But I am here.

Mo

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