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Friday, June 10, 2011

Where did the time go?


I've been quiet a lot longer than I intended to be. And I hope I haven't worried anyone.

It's just been hard, so so hard over here. I've been kind of shut down around this whole infertility situation, honestly, because things just feel overwhelming in that department. Every time I think of our situation, I just feel hopeless and I want to go back to bed, avoid, and give up, which is such a change from the hard-driving person I've been around all of this for the past four years. We've been trying faithfully on our own every month, but well...I guess I must really be infertile (!) because this timed intercourse doesn't really seem to be doing the trick.

This Spring, we came close to trying another transfer into my body with our remaining frozen embryos. Because logically that seemed to make the most sense.

And then I did the math again:
7 IVFs
110 eggs retrieved
17 embryos transferred
6 pregnancies
0 living children

And I just sort of lost it. This enormous sense of NO! NO! I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN! came up in me. It seems likely that we know what the outcome will be. And it won't likely be a good one. I don't think I or Will or our marriage can take it. So we called it off.

We are still considering using the donated embryos that have been offered to us. We've found a couple of egg donors through agencies that we would be fairly happy with. And we've been talking to some folks about surrogacy of our frozen embryos. Adoption is not something that we're considering at this time.

But we haven't landed anywhere yet.

One relative said to me: What would you do if all the options were free? If you took money out of the equation? Good question, I thought (along with - easy for you to say!). But it got me thinking...

If money were no object, this varies, but today I would choose to use a gestational carrier for the remaining Mo and Will frozen five. Just to see...We've got 'em. We nearly killed ourselves to get them. And they are chromosomally normal so there should* be at least one kiddo in there.

*But of course that may not be true. That would be true for other people. For us, though, nobody knows what is going wrong.

So here we sit. But I at least wanted to pop up and say hi. I feel kind of sheepish for posting another post that I still don't know what direction to take, am still struggling, am still stuck. But I guess it's better than posting nothing? Hope so.

We're hoping to make a decision on what direction to take in the next month or two. Because time, it is a'ticking and we are beginning to feel strong enough to take another step. Stay tuned.

Mo

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36 comments:

  1. TeeJayJune 10, 2011 at 3:50 PM

    It's so good to hear from you. I'm sorry that you are struggling with all these decisions. It really sucks. I commend you for even being able to consider all that you have. You and Will are very strong people and I know you will figure out what is the best course to take in your journey. Again, great to hear from you!

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  2. AnonymousJune 10, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    Mo...so nice to hear from you! What a brilliant re-phrasing of the question your friend came up with. Looking forward to sticking by your side whatever you choose. You have every right to feel overwhelmed. I wish it was easier for you.

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  3. KieraJune 10, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    Staying tuned, and praying that your turn is soon, that there is happiness at the end of this dark, lonely tunnel.

    On a completely unrelated note, I wondered if you had an e-mail address? I was hoping to speak to you (about your puppy!), if that's okay! My e-mail is kiera(dot)lovecchio at gmail dot com. :) The (dot) is actually a .

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  4. Marcia (123 blog)June 10, 2011 at 4:04 PM

    Yes, I was worried about you but figured you were doing the self-care thing :)

    glad to know you're okay, if only just physically.

    I'm actually coaching a client at the moment who has been trying for 2 years and it's good on one level to be able to say, "i know exactly what that feels like".

    big hugs to you!

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  5. asandersbonelliJune 10, 2011 at 4:09 PM

    I can understand why no option feels like a good one for you right now. I hope the answers come. We successfully used a gestational carrier and had a great experience. If you would like to discuss this option, feel free to contact me.

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  6. It Is What It IsJune 10, 2011 at 4:27 PM

    It is just so good to hear from you, regardless.

    I have been in limbo (and even though we are pursuing adoption for #2) and I still waiver.

    My hope for you is that the path becomes clear and you feel compelled in a direction, whatever that may be.

    And, what would I do if it were all free? Do a donor egg cycle with a gestational carrier. Hands down, no question.

    (my word verification is 'oberies' which made me chuckle).

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  7. DoraJune 10, 2011 at 4:40 PM

    Oh, Mo! Those numbers are heartbreaking. Painful just to read them, but you and Will have endured it all. Awful, just awful. I'm glad to hear you've been building up your emotional strength. This shit is not for the fainthearted.

    Big hug, my friend. Miss you and would love to see you.

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  8. Mrs. JonesJune 10, 2011 at 4:44 PM

    No answers needed!!! I would chose the same route if money were no object...but alas...it is.

    I was so happy to hear an update from you, even if you don't feel like you've made progress. It's ok to hide for a while, you've got a lot to swallow.

    Good to take a break and do some thinking. I sooooooooooo hear you on the marriage thing. It's been tough on us too.

    Wishing you continued peace as you try to sort through this.

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  9. DJJune 10, 2011 at 5:25 PM

    I was so pleased to see a new post from you! I have been worried about your prolongued silence. My heart is with you as you make these big decisions. Just remember all of us are rooting for you, praying for you and most importantly, believing in you!

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  10. MollyJune 10, 2011 at 7:17 PM

    You said you aren't considering adoption now, and on behalf of the child you may someday have, I urge you to never consider it. Your attitude regarding its inferiority- so much that've futilely spent 4+ years, 6 pregnancies, and hundreds of thousands of dollars to have your "own" baby- is such that it would be unfair to a child to be adopted into your house. You don't want a family; you want a perfect, white, newborn with your looks and IQs. If a pregnancy or surrogacy with your eggs is never successful, please just give up. No child deserves to be a back up plan, a second best.

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  11. CarolineJune 10, 2011 at 8:35 PM

    I am so sorry for your struggle, but with all due respect, I agree with Molly. I say this as someone who has an adopted sibling. My parents had me and couldn't conceive another child, so they adopted my sister. I know none of the options are "easy", but I cannot imagine how all these treatments, money spent, years lost and grief over miscarriages are easier than adoption. But I'm not suggesting you consider adoption b/c you obviously don't want an adopted child. But if you're considering donated eggs and a gestational carrier, then even if there is a viable PG, you aren't getting a biological child OR carrying a child inside of you, so how is that a better option than just adopting a child? I guess that's what I don't understand.

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  12. gwinneJune 10, 2011 at 10:21 PM

    Hey Mo. Good to read a post from you; I've been thinking much about you, wishing you only the best.

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  13. BridJune 10, 2011 at 10:29 PM

    Mo,
    Glad you are back... but, so sad about your struggle. I hope your path will soon be illuminated. Wishing you both peace in your hearts and in your minds. I will continue to hope for you.

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  14. DanielleJune 10, 2011 at 11:18 PM

    I've been thinking of you and hoping that the past months have brought you time and space to breathe and reflect. Not knowing seems like a pretty healthy response to all this, if you ask me. Wishing you ever-growing clarity and the opportunity to just BE.

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  15. AnonymousJune 11, 2011 at 1:01 AM

    Been following for awhile, but delurking to say that I'm sorry for the judgemental comments above :( I'm an adoptive mom, but certainly have never gotten the impression that you see adoption as "second best." To me, it sounds like you're looking for the path that is most likely to result in a take-home baby with the least amount of loss and trauma along the way. Adoption can be a stressful, uncertain journey, and a failed adoption would be devastating after everything you've been through. I wish you peace as you continue your journey.

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  16. AnonymousJune 11, 2011 at 7:15 AM

    I have been following your journey and also wanted to delurk for a moment. As someone who has had 4 failed IVF"s and is now considering other options I wanted to apologise for the above comments. It is a tough decision where to go when you feel you have to give up on a genetic child. I am struggling with it. I don't think I would not love an adopted or donor egg baby, I just need some time to get there in my head. I am giving up on a life long fantasy of what "my" baby would look like.
    So what I am saying is, I understand and you do what is right for you ( I am sure you will).
    Oh and to have unlimited funds to persue a child...what a dream huh?

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  17. LauraJune 11, 2011 at 7:35 AM

    Glad you're back!!!

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  18. AnonymousJune 11, 2011 at 8:13 AM

    I've actually been praying for you and your husband. I believe that you will be a parent and sooner rather then later. Just remember that the darkest part of night is right before dawn.

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  19. UnknownJune 11, 2011 at 12:17 PM

    Mo, good to hear from you.

    This is such a horrendously difficult decision to make, and its one you simply cannot make on a timetable. I hope that the universe gives you a sign soon, to help you decide which way to go.

    Keeping you in my thoughts, always.

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  20. BrookeJune 11, 2011 at 1:30 PM

    Mo-
    Delurking here after following your journey for the past 16 months-merely because you have always seemed to have all the love and support you guys have needed, so I've contributed silently :)

    I think of you guys often, and wonder how you guys are doing as you navigate the landmines that have been strewn about your journey to healthy take home baby. And no I delurk to say that I'm sorry people are bozo's (both in real life and also the virtual world). Know that Molly speaks from her own tainted perspective, and clearly none of us want to be lumped in with that judgmental nonsense!
    Know that we all continue to hope-oh boy do we hope and we hope and we hope for you two to finally have your hearts filled with the love you are seeking!
    Big virtual hugs and support!
    Brooke

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  21. DuckJune 11, 2011 at 1:32 PM

    Always been thinking of you, lots of big choices and decisions, sometimes it's harder to have more choices isn't it? Someone tellng me surrogacy was the only option made it easier in a way for us.

    Sending hugs!

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  22. HeatherJune 11, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    Thought of you often the last couple of months. Glad you posted an update. I wish all of this were easier for you and Will.

    Blah to the comments above. As if there is anything easy about making the decision to "just" adopt.

    I hope you get the clarity you are looking for.

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  23. kdactylJune 12, 2011 at 12:00 AM

    So glad to see an update from you...don't feel like you have to have all the answers...you have so much history and so many things to consider...it is just not something you decide on overnight. This is hard...

    Oh and Molly and Caroline...I know people can be brave anonymously when noone knows who you are...but have you NOT read everything these two have been through? Wow...how cruel you both are. Shame on you both for hitting someone when they are down. And...may I just remind you of the old addage...."If you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at all." All you did was make yourselves look like mean, uncaring people. Good job...mission accomplished!

    Hang in there Mo and Will...I am praying for you both all the time.

    Kd

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  24. kdactylJune 12, 2011 at 12:01 AM

    So glad to see an update from you...don't feel like you have to have all the answers...you have so much history and so many things to consider...it is just not something you decide on overnight. This is hard...

    Oh and Molly and Caroline...I know people can be brave anonymously when noone knows who you are...but have you NOT read everything these two have been through? Wow...how cruel you both are. Shame on you both for hitting someone when they are down. And...may I just remind you of the old addage...."If you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at all." All you did was make yourselves look like mean, uncaring people. Good job...mission accomplished!

    Hang in there Mo and Will...I am praying for you both all the time.

    Kd

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  25. AnonymousJune 12, 2011 at 2:49 AM

    Ahh, if money were no object. If only we could make that part true. Sadly, for us too, it was part of the decision making.

    In our case, we explored a few options that would reduce the cost somewhat - first, we did the DE IVF abroad (Europe). I now help other people go too, for a fraction of the cost of a donor IVF cycle here - so reach out if you want to know more, I am happy to share info.

    Then, after we lost the twins, we explored surrogacy - including using a US surrogate but doing the IVF part abroad. I found a couple of options that were far less than the $100K - $120K you see for most surrogacies through an agency - again, reach out if you want any resources.

    There are no easy answers, but hopefully one or more will feel more right to you and you can pursue those. And shame on anyone who makes you feel judged for making the choices that are right for your family. More on that in my comments on your next post though.

    Hang in there! Know we're all here rooting for you - regardless of which path (or paths) you choose.

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  26. AnonymousJune 12, 2011 at 10:12 PM

    I think of you often and check in with your blog to see how you are doing. Prayers for you.

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  27. 'Murgdan'June 13, 2011 at 5:30 AM

    So so so good to hear from you. So sorry the road continues to be filled with tough decisions (and now judgement from strangers to boot!). I can only imagine you have to take the time to wait to know the right answer...and I so hope it will come to you. Thinking of you--and so glad you popped in to let us know how things are in Mo land.

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  28. loribethJune 13, 2011 at 8:44 AM

    I too was very glad to hear from you. And I'm sorry to also hear that you've had the above comments. :p (((hugs)))

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  29. Erin BakalJune 13, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    I've been thinking of you and praying for clarity for you. I would also like to speak with you about surrogacy if you don't mind-- emily (dot) erin (dot) robinson (at) gmail if you don't mind. I am also so very sorry that people feel that they have the space to say hurtful things to you.

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  30. irrationalexuberanceJune 13, 2011 at 5:19 PM

    I'm glad to hear from you -- I've been wondering how you are. You have a lot to think about but from what I know of you and Will, you will come to a good solution that is right for the two of you. I'm hoping for all the best for you.

    Oh, and screw the people who are hateful for no reason. Seriously, they should just f**k off. Your response (or Will's?) was incredibly kind to people who were not kind to you.

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  31. MeJune 14, 2011 at 12:37 AM

    You have no reason to feel sheepish. These are big decisions and you should take all the time you need.

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  32. Melissa GriffinJune 14, 2011 at 10:00 AM

    I have followed your blog for some time now and dont usually comment. I have felt heart ache for you in every entry you write....I have a question..you said if money were no object you would have a gestational carrier....is there someone that could do it for you out of the goodness of their heart with no money involved? A cousin a close friend...someone?
    Im sure this is something you have thought of already cause you seem to be well organized and have thought through all your options, I was just curious...

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  33. lindaJune 14, 2011 at 9:26 PM

    Mo,

    You and Will have been through so much, are such conscientious people when it comes to your decisions. I am sorry that you've had to put up with some of the thoughtless comments on this post. I know that you two have weighed your situation carefully and will do whatever it is that resonates with your hearts. The numbers you cited are sobering. It's the proof of one hell of a tough journey. No one should judge you two for the path you choose, if you change directions, or if you choose not to take a certain path at all.

    I think of you two often and am astonished at how much you two have trudged this hard path together. All I can wish for the two of you is peace. I don't say that lightly either. Getting to a place of peace given the hard journey you've been on is difficult and I truly hope your hearts rest light one day.

    Lots of love,
    Linda

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  34. AnonymousJune 17, 2011 at 10:41 PM

    May you find a path that is right for you and fulfill your desire to be a parent. How easy is it for somepeople to give opinions without knowing the whole story or knowing you. My thoughts and hope is that whatever path you choose with be the right one for you-- no one who has never walked in your shoes should say anything about what options are the ones for you.

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  35. Carrie1074June 21, 2011 at 10:29 PM

    It is good to hear from you! Have thought about you often.

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  36. WillowJuly 7, 2011 at 1:36 AM

    What a tough spot to be in, and gosh, those stats really hit me hard. I'm so sorry for all you've gone through, and know you will make the right next choice when you're ready.

    I've been enjoying reading your story and wanted to give you a blog award: http://writebaby.blogspot.com/2011/07/big-thank-you-to-kelly-versatile.html :)

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