Thank you so much for your thoughts and comments. To clarify from my last post, although freaking out, I didn't remain in that full-fledged panic all day long, but I did feel very skeptical and not very sure of things. Truth is, still feeling that way. Still feeling like something is wrong, like this pregnancy is probably over.
What's new this pregnancy is that I'm not angsting over that in the same way I used to most of the time. The success or failure of this pregnancy is not really in my control, and most of the time I get that. So if my intuition is right and things have taken a major downturn, I'm not responsible for that. I'll be sad, OK, I'll be heartbroken, but there's nothing I can do to keep this pregnancy going beyond what I am already doing. There are other moments when the crazy creeps in, where I think that if I just do something, some unnamable thing I can't quite grasp or conceptualize, that I can keep this baby alive. I try to keep those to mere moments and not let the crazy take over longer stretches of the day. But it's there sometimes, and it is definitely a major theme in my dreams.
I did pee on the hospital test again early this morning (I know, I know, you told me not to, but I didn't listen). It looks a little darker to both me and Will. I steered clear of the remaining Clearblue indicator test (thinking that test is the devil!). And then I went in to the local RE this morning for a beta, progesterone, and estrogen check. I'm looking for the beta number to have gone up from Friday's value, but beyond that, I realize it's a crapshoot at this point. The number may not double, and if it doesn't, I'm not going to freak out if I can help it. I'm so convinced that the number has dropped, that if it has gone up in any substantial way, I think I'll cry tears of gratitude.
If things turn out to be hanging in ok, it will also be very useful ammunition to use against my anxiety for the next time I think something terrible has happened. You, know, like, say tomorrow when I'm sure that the embryo has died again.
Unfortunately in the past, I have always been right when I think it is pregnancy doomsday. So the evidence on that side of things weighs heavy and adds to the crazy. It would be novel and great to be wrong about this for once!
Either way, for now I'm just trying to just "ride the wave" as some of you suggested, "breathe" as others suggested, and not jump to any conclusions about things. Time will tell and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome at this time.
I'm trying to accept the unknown and stay in the middle place of uncertainty for now. That is the only thing that is real and true at this moment in time.
Thanks so much for your thoughts. Really. They helped pull me back off of the ledge.
And check back - I'll be updating this post later today when the results come in. I'll try to figure out how to add to this post in a way that shows up on Google Reader, but not sure how to do that. So Google Reader people may have to manually check back in. Sorry.
You guys are wonderful. And so, so appreciated. Thank you for hanging in there with us.
Fingers crossed.
Mo
p.s. I have indigestion this morning along with the hiccups. Those are pregnancy symptoms, maybe, aren't they?
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Watching, reading, checking in -- hoping that whatever comes back gives you at least a short respite in terms of worry. Just know that there are a bunch of totally random people (like myself) who are following you and sending HUGE hopeful vibes your direction -- you are that cool :)
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine that you wouldn't be anxious and filled with doubt. If you were cool as a cucumber, well then that's when I would be worried. But I am pulling very very hard for you. I'm hoping there is one very healthy embryo in there growing away!
ReplyDeleteOh Mo. You are in my thoughts today. Fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteAh, Mo
ReplyDeleteI've been reading you for so long, and not commenting for so long, though I wanted so much to cheer you, or hug you, or curse with you, depending on the post.
While our own reproductive story isn't so long and difficult as yours, I've been in a place close to your present one. A 4-5 weeks pregnancy after 2 miscarriages, 4 IVFs, 1 FET (and add a few unexpected tragedies in the family), and every pee stick or uterine twinge or drop of old blood, well, everything made me sure I was losing the pregnancy.
Well, I didn't, and in spite of all the blood and contractions our blastocyst is now a healthy 2 years old.
I had similar numbers as yours, around 150 at 14 dpo and rising very fast afterwards, and then not so much. What helped me at the time?
Well, first of all my RE insisted on performing a very early (I think around 21 dpo) ultrasound, "so we'd know how many there were". I didn't even try to ask her or think she'd agree, but she did one nonetheless, and we saw two sacs, of course at the time without any yolk sac or any other sign, too early. But still, one of those sacs was the right size for its gestational age, the other being a little too small. It felt strange, because while we really didn't wish for twins, now that there were and one looked not so great I began hoping that both would make it. And yet, it also felt like if that misshapen one stopped, I still had the other to cheer for - and that way, the dent in the beta curve didn't plunge me in the despair it would have at any other time.
Also, my betas had reached a level of several thousand where it was easier to accept that pee sticks wouldn't be any help, and any lowering wouldn't be registered there (no way a pee stick would register the difference from 4000 to 2000 in two days, even the clearblue digital, I think).
And finally, I had all of the betabase site to reassure me that my levels were still very comfortable for a singleton.
Honestly, I think that where you are, an ultrasound would be more reassuring than a series of betaHCG... Of course, nothing will truly reassure you (and believe me, even two years and 10 months after sometimes it's easy to make mountains out of nothing, as we say in my country), and all you'd see would probably be one or two (or three?) sacs. But you still could know how many there are, whether they're rightly shaped, whether they're growing.
One last thing : reading your story from afar, it really feels like your current pregnancy is starting truly well, and might well be THE ONE. What I'm wishing for you, really, is to be able to get reassurance often enough in the next 8 months and to truly enjoy what comes afterwards :)
Helene
ReplyDeleteThanks. thanks for taking the time to write all of this. and for coming out of lurkdom to do it. I really appreciate it. we may move up the u/s from friday...not sure yet...I hear you about all of it. just trying to do what is least invasive but still adequately sanity-saving.
Mo
Mo, praying hard and keeping everything crossed for you and Will.
ReplyDeleteRose
"I have indigestion this morning along with the hiccups. Those are pregnancy symptoms, maybe, aren't they?"
ReplyDeleteHell, yes! I had horrible heartburn from very early on. I think both symptoms are caused by all the relaxin.
Hang in there. You're doing great!
Here's hoping the beta is a nice reassuring number for you. And yes, indigestion is absolutely a PG symptom. I practically lived on Tums when I was pregnant. Hugs, lady.
ReplyDeleteI had a reassurance beta drawn too. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this doubt and anxiety. I really feel like your body is going to prove your mind wrong about this pregnancy. I also had pretty high beta levels with a singleton, so I am thinking you have one really strong healthy embryo digging in for the long haul.
ReplyDeleteI'm hanging with you, Mo. I was so major doomsday about my last pregnancy that I bought sanitary pads and a bottle of vodka. My betas did nothing that they were supposed to. And I've got a 15 week old guy sitting next to me as I type. I will second what Helene said....I've been following your story for years now. And at least from where I sit this pregnancy looks different. Looks *amazing*. I know that's no guarantee of anything, and if someone had said that to me during early pregnancy with Tiny Boy, I would have discounted it (why take the word of random folks over the internet!), but I really think this one is IT. Betas don't start off as strong as yours and just plummet. Got a crazy work day this afternoon but will check back in. Fingers crossed and all that hocus pocus :)
ReplyDeleteI am hoping and praying for another great beta, and for you to get some peace of mind. Don't remotely blame you for worrying like crazy - who wouldn't? But I gotta tell you, for what it's worth I have a good feeling about this one for you, based on your past history. I hope you don't mind me saying that. And yes, indigestion is definitely a pregnancy symptom! I'll be checking in on you later for those results!!
ReplyDeleteI'll be checking like a maniac to see your update. Like you said, you have done everything humanly possible to make this work and unfortunately that is all you can do. But you've done a GREAT job at it. :-) I'm keeping my fingers crossed and sending you lots of good, positive vibes. I know the waiting must be killing you at this point. We are all waiting too...and you know what they say, right? Good things are worth waiting for. Whoever "they" are better be right! :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is so exciting to read. Best wishes to you and continued positive news. Stay strong and think only positive thoughts. It's your time now!
ReplyDeleteLots of good thought, sticky baby dust and prayers being sent to you from CA!!!!! I want this baby to stick and am just going to be optimistic for you! Can't wait to hear the GREAT beta results later today!!!!!
ReplyDeletekd
If this makes you feel any better: I have had 4 pregnancy losses and I, too, was always correct when I thought a pregnancy was doomsday. Until I wasn't. And my 5th pregnancy resulted in this adorable, silly 18 month old toddler sitting at my feet playing legos. I think those of us with lots of losses will always, ALWAYS think a pregnancy is doomsday, how can we not? Even with the healthy ones, we're going to feel that way and hopefully, blessedly, we'll be wrong. Good good good luck!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe crazy can strike at any moment. Hooray for your having a plan for it rearing its ugly head. My radar has always been spot on until this pregnancy. Blood soaking everything and clots as big as a golf ball resulted in me being stunned at a flickering heartbeat and fabulous beta. This weekend my fatigue and nausea let up a tad and I was convinced my pregancy sypmtoms were gone and woe to the dead baby. Today I realized my placenta is taking over hormone production and I am an idiot. My ultrasound cannot come soon enough. Uncertainty is a good goal to aim for. It allows for the possibility of hope. One day, maybe Friday, not today, that would be too much to ask for.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a see through belly or to fall into a coma, which ever is most convenient. Joy
Another lurker coming out to send good thoughts, hugs and lots of prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteMindyE
Will be stalking for updates. Holding good thoughts and sending calming vibes.
ReplyDeleteChecking. Waiting. Stalking. Whichever term deemed most accurate. But mostly hoping.
ReplyDeleteEvery couple of days during this pregnancy I've thought things were all over. I think when you've suffered miscarriages before you will think like that but as they say in finance adverts 'past performance is no indication of the future.' It's normal to be worried and freak out but it doesn't necessarily actually mean anything...except that things have been hard in the past. x
ReplyDeletemo,
ReplyDeletejust keep posting... it has to be a good release to vent these thoughts that so many of us have had and understand very well.
i used to hate it when people would say to me 'i know this is the one!' or 'it will be fine!'. there was never a clear answer, until there was a clear answer found in the ultrasound. my hope got strung together with little bits of thread, two days long, 5 days long, one week long... and i am thinking it will be this way for you too... do whatever you can to get reassurance...
but please stop using hpt's as any indicator of doom or success at this point... the line gets dark, but its only going to get so dark, and at some point you will have a batch of tests with crap for dye... you know what i mean!
hoping you get a superb beta this afternoon.
will be thinking of you.
Hang in there, Mo. I'm pretty much just hitting 'reload' on my computer now, waiting for an update...
ReplyDeleteThinking of you is rather too weak a phrase to use right now. 'Obsessing about you' might be nearer to accurate.
Praying all is good. Pregnancy symptoms come and go, so I've seen a lot of people freak out concerned all is over, and then go on to have a healthy baby. I hope this holds true for you!
ReplyDeleteWhat Susan said! I'm so anxious for your update, you must be beside yourself.
ReplyDelete