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Monday, February 13, 2012

Honoring the possibility


I was looking back through my old "two week wait" posts from my (gulp) six previous transfers and found this post from IVF #5, which expressed a sentiment I'd like to keep firmly in mind and wanted to share out loud as well.

It talks about trying to just stay in the now. And so, reading this, I am reminded to try to take a moment and recenter myself when I start to go straight into the crazy places in my mind.

Recentering looks something like this...

Asking myself: What do I know right now? 

Right now is about honoring possibility. 

Right now is about not trying to predict the outcome either way and instead just focusing on the three blastocysts inside of me, just now as they are, not as they babies they might become, or the failure that might ensue, but just as they are now. 

As I wrote back then in 2009, "At this moment in time, and for the coming week, I have the possibility that I might be pregnant...For this moment, at least, I am tuning in to what is true right now. I am honoring the possibility...that maybe there is life inside me."

Here's to that thought and that intention. To staying in the moment, right now, right here, 4dp5dt. This possibility, this in-between place is the only thing that is really true. 

The rest of my thoughts are just hopes and fears.

Here's to staying in the moment.

Mo 

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37 comments:

  1. SilverFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:14 AM

    Repeated failure and loss leave you thinking life will always be that way but, as a good friend reminded me, it's not a guarantee - life can still surprise you with something good. I'm crossing everything that life is kind to you this time - you certainly deserve it!

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  2. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:15 AM

    beautiful... here's to staying in the moment, and the possibilities that it holds for you...

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  3. nurslouisaFebruary 13, 2012 at 9:46 AM

    Hold on to hope and we will hold on with you. Just wanted to say with my FET I had zero signs of pregnancy and even bought a bottle of wine on my way to the beta which I didn't get to drink for many many months.

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  4. newbieFebruary 13, 2012 at 9:48 AM

    I like this post Mo - seems like just the right state of mind for the 2WW. I'm going to try to use this to get through my own, which is coming up awfully fast. Thanks for sharing this, as always. Thinking of you and hoping so hard for the best outcome!

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  5. Erin BakalFebruary 13, 2012 at 9:55 AM

    Wishing you zen through the next few days and praying as always for a good outcome. Your strength is astounding, and I honor you.

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  6. It Is What It IsFebruary 13, 2012 at 10:08 AM

    Oh, this is so apropos.

    At only 1dp4dt, I reminded myself when I woke up this morning of the young embryo inside of me and the real possibility it holds (truth be told, my next thought was whether my body could have killed it already, but I quickly banished it).

    The 2ww could easily be aptly named the great 2 week mind f*ck. However, I am so much older now, have been through so much to get to this place, so I have to hang on to the possibility. Between now and beta, it simply is.

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  7. MyTwoLinesFebruary 13, 2012 at 10:23 AM

    All we ever have is this very moment. Oh gawd, Mo, I'm going to have to say it: No day but today :)

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  8. JillFebruary 13, 2012 at 10:30 AM

    I remember trying to have a baby. We were so downtrodden, never thought it would work..6 miscarriages ...did everything and nothing ever worked.... Until it did. You are so right in this post- you never know when it's finally your time. Good luck and I'm rooting for u

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  9. "Jay"February 13, 2012 at 10:55 AM

    I am hoping for you Mo. Hoping this time it works. It is impossible to not let the crazy thoughts enter during the TWW. This past cycle, I had almost no symptoms during the 2ww. I hope the time passes quickly for you.

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  10. CeCeFebruary 13, 2012 at 12:10 PM

    BEAUTIFULLY stated.

    Sending happy, peaceful thoughts to you as you stay present in the moment.

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  11. gwinneFebruary 13, 2012 at 12:35 PM

    Wishing you peace--and a positive pregnancy test--with all my heart.

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  12. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2012 at 12:45 PM

    Love this. Sending all of the peaceful vibes I can muster.

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  13. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2012 at 1:03 PM

    amen!

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  14. AnonymousFebruary 13, 2012 at 6:09 PM

    Gosh sending you every ounce of hope that this one will stick...and yeah...DO NOT POAS early. Don't do it!!! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Glad my past posts were of help to you.

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  15. DandelionBreezeFebruary 13, 2012 at 6:27 PM

    So beautifully written and so true :) Thinking of you for your 2WW xoxo

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  16. Her Royal FabulousnessFebruary 13, 2012 at 6:46 PM

    perfect post.

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  17. bean dreamsFebruary 13, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    So true! Thank you for reminding me of this. Here's to everyone's moment and to finding happiness in them!

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  18. HeidiFebruary 13, 2012 at 7:15 PM

    Quotation I have often borne in mind, from Siri Hustvedt's novel What I Loved: "People imagine that hope has degrees, but I think not. There is hope and there is no hope." This has kept me sane during many times when all I had to hold on to was just the faintest glimmer of hope--but it was still hope.

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  19. TracieFebruary 13, 2012 at 7:29 PM

    Hi Mo! I can't remember how I found your blog, but it was close to a year ago as I was doing my first two failed IVF's in April & June. I have checked in on your periodically and am so happy to see that you are cycling now and have plans just in case this one doesn't work out. Also you are JUST ONE DAY AHEAD OF ME!! This is our 3rd and FINAL IVF cycle. We transferred three embryos on 2/10, so I am 3dp5dt and shockingly today I learned that for the first time ever we had 2 make it to freeze. So, hmmmm, I guess this may not be our last cycle.

    Anyway, just wanted to let you know from Maryland, that I'm pulling for you (and pulling for me) and I'll keep track of your progress and put in some extra prayers for you with the Big Guy. Best of luck to you. You are already a Mother and you will meet your baby(ies) soon.

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  20. quadmomFebruary 13, 2012 at 7:39 PM

    *hugs* I am hoping for you, too. We have our transfer in 3 days, and as I go to NYC for monitoring I always think of you and all you have endured. More prayers coming your way.

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  21. LoraFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:05 PM

    So very well said. Learning to live in and enjoy the now is something we should all strive for.

    Keeping everything crossed for you!

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  22. BrendaFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:39 PM

    Thinking of you both....

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  23. BrendaFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:40 PM

    Thinking of you both....

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  24. BrendaFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:40 PM

    Thinking of you both....

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  25. BrendaFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:40 PM

    Thinking of you both....

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  26. BrendaFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:40 PM

    Thinking of you both....

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  27. KateFebruary 13, 2012 at 8:44 PM

    hopeful hopeful hopeful hopeful hopeful
    and sending love
    xoxo
    Kate

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  28. BarefootFebruary 13, 2012 at 9:26 PM

    Love this idea. Hoping hoping hoping for you!

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  29. AishaFebruary 13, 2012 at 10:55 PM

    I read each and every post, my heart in my throat for you, wishing praying hoping for success and for all the possibilities in the world to come to light for you. I'm sorry I'm not a regular commenter, but know there are so many just like me, quietly reading and quietly hoping for you. *hugs*

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  30. Erin BakalFebruary 13, 2012 at 11:06 PM

    This post made me think about a poem that I like that, while not about remaining zen, is about the 'between places': http://www.healpastlives.com/pastlf/food/fdturnpt.htm is a link to it online, and I am sending you all the strength it takes to hold steady in that in between place where 'the past is gone and the future is not yet here'... cheering for you, praying hard and hoping that you can keep your composure.

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  31. BridFebruary 14, 2012 at 12:55 AM

    Just because something always has been, does not mean it always will be... xo

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  32. khariniFebruary 14, 2012 at 1:01 AM

    Love your post, I can so relate to it. I am really hoping for you Mo, hoping and praying, your perseverance has to pay off... With all you've learned in this path alone, I'm sure you will be an amazing mom. But I will try and stay with you, in the moment. You have 3 beautiful embryos inside and I'm so happy you are enjoying it. All my love to you!

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  33. AnonymousFebruary 14, 2012 at 9:44 AM

    Thinking of you, hoping for you...

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  34. AlexicographerFebruary 14, 2012 at 10:09 AM

    This is beautiful.

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  35. irrationalexuberanceFebruary 14, 2012 at 10:23 AM

    That is a lovely post, Mo, and I hope that it helps you keep the crazy at bay (because lord knows it knocks loudly at the door during this period). I wish you peace and that your hope stays strong.

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  36. DoraFebruary 14, 2012 at 10:39 AM

    Wonderful post. Waiting impatiently and hoping hard with you. xoxo

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  37. The Steadfast WarriorFebruary 15, 2012 at 4:24 AM

    Sending good thoughts your way!

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