Still off from work today with my hacking cough and sniffles. I'm kind of grateful I have a good explanation for needing to take it easy this week. Hoping the added rest will help this pregnancy be more secure, if anything can.
For those of you worried I'm over here bathing in Lovenox...no worries. I kept my dose the same (40mg). Lovenox is powerful stuff, and aside from one borderline APA blood panel once, I have no reason we know of to need to take it (aside from the six lost pregnancies). So I'm being relatively conservative over here. I'm doing something in-between with the up-the-prednisone recommendation. The miscarriage wizard wanted me to up the prednisone to 20mg. I've upped to to 15mg...temporarily...I'm thinking just until we see a heartbeat or until this pregnancy is confirmed over. If the former, I'll drop it back to 10mg, I think, as much for vanity as for anything else. I know that at 20mg, I start to pack on the pounds...10mg seems to be more tolerable for my body. But for today, 15mg. Regret management all the way.
My Denver nurse called today (she was off yesterday) and said, Yowza. Look at that progesterone level!! Her theory is that there was a lab error and my level never dropped down to 11.5. She thinks it couldn't have rebounded to 70.7 so fast. So she said drop my PIO injection to 1cc daily down from the megadose of 1.5cc we've been doing. My butt thanks her already.
In our parallel life, the one where we are preparing to use an egg donor because this pregnancy must surely be almost over, we've gotten some good news. A very good clinic here in NYC has said that they would let us use donor #1 despite her inversion on chromosome 9. And that they in fact have used a couple of donors with that inversion in the past. So that was good to hear. And we contacted her agency and they said she is still available. So Yay! for that. Also, donor #2 - the physician chick - got her period finally and had her day 3 bloods and antral follicle count done. She has a high AFC (18 on right and 22 on left...hoping that doesn't indicate PCOS). Her FSH was 4.8 and estrogen was 55. LH was 6.1. A little high on the estrogen, but I think in concert with that very low FSH is ok...I think. Any thoughts on this?
I know it's weird that we are proceeding on these two mutually exclusive tracks, but despite all evidence to the contrary, I am just so scared. I can't imagine this working out. I have such a bad feeling about this pregnancy. I don't know if that's a touch of PTSD or if it's a touch of intuition or a touch of something else, but it's there.
I am petrified to go in tomorrow for the ultrasound. Feeling very ostrich-y about this, which is unlike me. I'm an information seeker, normally. Big time. But right now? Right now, I think I'd rather just not know. I'd rather just hunker down and wait for the miscarriage. Because I'm already sure I know how that's how it will go. There will be an empty sac...or like last time a sac filled with debris. No baby, no yolk sac. Nada. I will be knocked off my feet in surprise if we get good news. I guess I'll be lying down with my feet in stirrups, so not literally knocked off my feet, but you get what I mean.
If we can get to the heartbeat stage, I think I'll be able to begin to risk imagining that something is going on. Something like...um...a pregnancy. Now that would be weird.
But for now? I'm just a woman with a keen sense of smell and a little indigestion and nausea who can't stop coughing. And whose boobs look like (and feel like) they are going to explode. KA-BOOM! Breast tissue flying everywhere (this is what you get with a progesterone level of 70.7).
I'll leave you with that lovely image. Ultrasound scheduled for 8:30AM tomorrow. Absolutely dreading it. Will is pretty nervous, too. Please send good thoughts.
Mo
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Best of luck tomorrow Mo - sending you positive vibes!
ReplyDeleteFingers and toes are crossed! Thanks for the mental image... :-)
ReplyDeleteYou KNOW I'm wishing you the best of all possible thoughts. So much so that I have none left over for trying to influence the political sphere with the power of my thinkiness. So much for world peace. It's all goin' to Mo.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, take care, glad you're taking it easy (Yay for having a cold!) and I'm with your nurse. Maybe not even lab error, but I know prog. fluctuates madly--sounds like you just got read on a mad down-flux? Whatev. Glad it's where it should be AND THEN SOME. Sorry the boobs are feeling it, though. Of course, you should probably get used to it, and remember--moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. (No, really.)
I'm the lurking from Rochester (originally from LI) letting go of my anonymity b/c I totally feel like I know you now. I am choosing optimism, and I believe your risk management will work this time. I will anxiously check tomorrow and will be sending you guys all the thoughts and prayers I can come 8:30.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand feeling terrified; I'm sure that I would too were I in your shoes. However, I really think that tomorrow you'll be knocked off your feet with good news. Your numbers (aside from what was likely a lab error) look really good, you've had almost no spotting, except what could well have been implantation and you've been taking it easy. I am hoping with all I have in me to hope that you'll get wonderful news tomorrow and then again at the next u/s and so on and so on until this fall... And I'm going to hold on and hope and pray as hard as I can for you. Will send up special prayers for you tomorrow morning-- hold each other tight tonight. Hugs from this corner of the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteSending you all the positive vibes and prayers I can! I have a good feeling about this Mo, and I can understand being super sure about something, but I really think you're going to have a Knock you off your feet day tomorrow! These numbers just seem so promising. HUGS HUGS HUGS. I'll check in tomorrow :)
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your being ostrich-y even thought it's unlike you. It's terrifying to be in your position, even to the point of being "afraid" of possible/probable(!) good news.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely thinking of you and Will today, tomomorrow, and who am I kidding, always. Sending many positive thoughts and vibes your way!
And excellent news about Donor #1! You guys really liked her, so IDK, I think you should run with her IF you get to that point (which I of course am hopeful you don't, but you know what I mean)...
Can't wait for your u/s update tomorrow...please God let there be at least a yolk sac...a heartbeat would be a totally welcome added bonus...
Hang in there Mo!!!
Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteAnd, for what it's worth, I don't see the tracks as necessarily mutually exclusive. I mean, there's no reason why you couldn't have a successful pregnancy this time and *and* a later DE cycle for a sibling.
But, of course, I'm the one who couldn't function without a back up plan and found a second GC before our first GC had given birth. And who now has two kids, not quite 15 months apart.
Hoping with everything (and then some) that you get great news tomorrow. You so deserve for this to be your miracle. Fingers and everything else crossed for you. I'll be checking back every chance I get for updates.
ReplyDeletewe are all holding your hand.. will be thinking of you at 8:30!! hugs
ReplyDeletePrayers and good thoughts for tomorrow, Mo. You will be on my mind, especially at 8:30AM. When you enter that room for the u/s know that tons of us will be thinking of you right then and sending you all our prayers/positive vibes/hope we have. You won't be alone. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteSending you my absolute BEST thoughts for an easily visible ultrasound with everything as it should be.
ReplyDeleteReally and truly pulling for you!
Your betas look fantastic, Mo. Absolutely nothing like your last pregnancy. And I've done the empty sac thing...and betas don't look like that (I had regular doubling but that's it; my RE told me that she actually likes them to come closer to tripling in those early days...just like yours. And mine with LG). I really truly believe you'll see something good tomorrow; it's early for a heartbeat, but something good. Something that makes you feel okay, at least for an hour.
ReplyDeleteI'll be checking back compulsively. And I've got everything crossed.
I so get the protective mode you're in. We'll all be optimists so you don't have to :) Feeling really really good about tomorrow for you! FXFXFX!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm totally of the perspective that the emotions you're describing are PTSD. Thinking of you and hopeful for good news --great news -- tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteTotally understand you being terrified, you've been through so much. I'm praying so hard for you over here and, even though I know it means jack, I have a really good feeling about your ultrasound. Will be thinking of you and blog-stalking until I hear the update!
ReplyDeleteI understand why you are so scared, but please TRY to think positive!!! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteMo, you have no idea how much I want this to work out for you. Or maybe you do. :). Prayers sent for you. Hoping that you see a yolk sack and maybe even a flicker of va heartbeat. That would be a bonus! Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteLongtime lurker sending positive thoughts. After four shitty miscarriages, six fertility doctors, and a positive test after a solid week of heavy bleeding, I was too pissed, angry, pessimistic and depressed to have any hope for my ultrasound. I am familiar with the space you must be inhabiting right now. I don't think I took a full breath until I was 24 weeks and I knew the hospitals would treat a miscarriage at that point as a potentially viable baby. I don't know what to say because I know there are no words, but no matter what, you will be fine. I wish for you that the little seed of hope you have burrowed deep within and are protecting will bloom and crowd out your fear, but I know that will take time. My baby is in my arms now, and yours will be soon, no matter how it gets there.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this will help or not, but I'll suggest it since it worked for me, at least to the degree that anything could in this situation...I had that same petrified feeling, even about the first HPT I did for this cycle. And I was sure that R would literally have to pry me out of the car and carry me across the parking lot into the peri's office for the first ultrasound, because I just didn't think I'd actually be able to make my legs move when the time came.
ReplyDeleteSo, I reframed it. I decided not to look at anything as "positive" or "negative" (the HPTs) or "good" or "devastating" (the ultrasound results).
Instead, I decided they were merely road signs. Either the sign would point toward "Continue To See Where My Uterus Takes Us", or the sign would point to "Drop Those Dear Birthparent Letters In The Mail Today" (since adoption was our parallel path). I used that "sign" approach for pretty much every ultrasound during the first trimester.
Also, one other thing that helped my mindset and sanity as we approached the first ultrasound was that we decided whatever the outcome was, it was a reason to celebrate and that we were going to go out to dinner at a special place immediately after to celebrate.
If there was a heartbeat, we would celebrate the fact that at least for that day, things were pointing to the "Uterus" road sign, even if things didn't continue to point to that sign in the longer term. If it was clear that the pregnancy wasn't viable, even though that news would have been incredibly painful, I still wanted to turn it into a positive by actively choosing to celebrate the "Adoption" road sign, because at least we would have an answer and a next step that was immediately in front of us. And if the ultrasound had left us in limboland, we would have simply celebrated the fact that I was even able to make it into the ultrasound room, onto the table, and through the scan.
As silly as that may sound, it really did help. Of course, it also helps that we chose to go to the White Chocolate Grill for our celebration, and I'm highly motivated by chocolate, so that incentivized me to get through it... :-) But seriously, at least it gave us something to look forward to, regardless of what that terrifying screen showed.
I'll definitely be thinking of you and Will tomorrow morning. (((hugs)))
Good luck for tomorrow. I will be thinking good thoughts for you and Will.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, during my first actual successful pg I had nightmares before every single u/s or milestone in the pregnancy that I had lost the baby. I think we convince ourselves it will never ever ever work and then even though we are convinced it will never work we keep going and doing tx. It is very strange and I am sure you have some sort of psychological explanation for that particular brand of insanity but there it is... I hope you see the yolk sack tomorrow as well as a fetal pole. I've been following your story for a while and I am really holding out for a happily ever after. Take care. just 14 hours to go.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you went through such a rough time over what was most likely a lab error. For all the times you have been screwed over by the universe, it really should lay off the false alarms.
ReplyDeleteI totally get why you refuse to believe this may go well, and I'd probably be in the exact same place if it were me, but Mo, its definitely possible. Its hard, scratch that, impossible to be optimistic for ourselves, but the rest of us are being so, given all the facts so far, for you.
I've spend a LOT of time reading PCOS studies, trying to figure out if I had it myself. It has such a heterogeneous presentation, my take now is if it sounds even a little like PCOS, it probably is. Donor # 2 definitely looks like she has it, IMO. She has a crazy high AFC (even a number like 30 is considered PCOS range). Another classic hormonal tell for PCOS is if your LH is higher than your FSH, and if the ration of LH:FSH approaches 2. The donor is not quite there, but she is getting close. but its getting there. The highish E2 also does not bode well. If you wanted more info about her, I'd get her tested for testosteone, DHEAS, AMH
and insulin resistance. If you really like her though, PCOS *can* be controlled, by both metformin and vitamin D. I'm so hoping you will not have to do any of this.
Will be thinking about you tomorrow---best of luck, keeping my fingers, toes and everything crossed.
Wishing you all the best at your ultrasound tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteBig cheers and virtual hand holding for tomorrow! (( hugs )) too!
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and your story just breaks my heart. Infertility is such a evil bitch and destroys your faith in anything and everything. I hope and pray that you have an amazing ultrasound tomorrow! I am so looking forward to following the rest of your journey.
ReplyDeleteYour progesterone is great--interesting that she thinks there was a lab error with the low #. Good luck tomorrow. I will be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you both (three??) every last good thought I have, Mo and Will. And more at 8:30 eastern tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally agree about the lab error - that is a huge jump for progesterone in a few days. ouchy ouch boobs, I'm sure.
Mo and Will
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you all tomorrow...heres hoping for the best news of all. Heartbeats.
It will surely be a good day...for us both I hope. Our daughter via donor egg/surrogate is due by induction tomorrow.
All the best. I will be checking your blog between contractions. I want to cheer for us both ok?
Physician chick from the great white north...
Good luck tomorrow. I'll be sending positive thought vibes. You've worked so hard (both physically and emotionally) for this that I hope tomorrow's u/s is a smashing success!
ReplyDeletewill be thinking of you tomorrow, mo. breath in, breath out. i have no other good advice, because for me, u/s's were totally panic attack territory. just thinking back on them now makes my blood pressure rise. i feel for you. to me it felt like i was knowingly and willingly stepping out in front of the path of a mack truck. ugh. we will all be thinking of you, and i really hope will will be there with you.
ReplyDeletei admire you for being able to come at your parenthood from many different angles... that is a gift to be such a good planner, and in the end i think it will be a benefit, not a detriment. i only know of one other woman who did this- she was pregnant, well into the 2nd trimester, and cycled her dream donor for back up embryos.
take care...
Physician chick from the great white north,
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh!! How wonderful that your daughter will be born tomorrow!! That is the most wonderous thing!! I will be thinking of you, too!
Smiling ear to ear over here : )
Mo
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteWow....cycling a donor for back up embryos! interesting! I hadn't thought of that! Was more just lining up a plan B in case this doesn't work out...not sure whether I could ever go that far...but wow - then we would REALLY be ready to jump into a plan B. Fascinating idea. thank you for sharing.
Mo
Will be praying you get a great scan tomorrow. Keep on hoping for the best.
ReplyDeleteSending love and remember to breathe. One type of yoga breathing saved me from spiraling into outer space during procedures/appointments... ocean sounding breath... I was on a heart rate monitor and literally watched my pulse drop from triple digits into something that felt less embarrassing in about 30 seconds.
ReplyDeleteBEST OF LUCK
will be refreshing like a lunatic.
xoxo
kate
This is great. I truly believe this is it, and it's finally your time to be a mother. It's early so I know that it is hard to have faith in your body, but as you go into your 2nd and finally 3rd trimester please try. Remember:
ReplyDeleteFaith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.
anonymous - i like that. thank you, i'll remember that.
ReplyDeletemo
Many prayers for tomorrow and the next 9 months! Positive thoughts only!
ReplyDeleteYou have been climbing a mountain for a long time. Each day, each test, each injection, each scan is a step up to the top. I am hoping that tomorrow is the most perfect scan ever and you will get to pause and enjoy the view, just briefly, before continuing the climb, so to speak.
ReplyDeleteGood luck for the scan tomorrow. Sending you lots of hope and support :) hope the cold eases up soon too! :D
ReplyDeleteI've been following you for about 2 years and I've never commented. Sending you positive heartbeat vibes for tomorrow! xx
ReplyDeleteSending all the positive vibes your way I can for the ultrasound!
ReplyDeleteMo! This soooo takes me back. I remember saying to myself before my scan, "God, if there's just one heartbeat I will be ecstatic. Just one"
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you two. And yes, I do find your parallel life weird but then again the whole journey is weird for all of us who once imagined all it would take for a baby was to have sex!
So nervous for you this morning. Hope you managed to get some sleep. I'll be checking neurotically for an update. We're all with you in spirit. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm a lurker, but I'm sending you every good thought I can today!
ReplyDeleteChecking on you daily - usually in the afternoons. Today I happened to check in at 8:25 a.m. Sending up a prayer right now!
ReplyDeleteIt's just past 0830. As promised am checking in on you guys between contractions. I am hoping and praying for all that is good for you this morning. As we hover between 7 and 8 cm dilation, I wish with all my might that you and Will get to the finish line. How you do that just will not matter, I can tell you that for sure. And I was not sure about that until today. Do your plan B. Pray for plan A.
ReplyDeleteAll the best.
Physician chick from the great white north.
PS thanks for your good wishes.
I am praying right now that you are hearing a sweet heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteMindyE
thinking of you...
ReplyDeletethinking of you
ReplyDeleteThinking of you both this morning.
ReplyDeleteAll of my good thoughts are heading your way. I wish you good good things for this morning.
ReplyDeleteHoping that you're basking in the glow of great things. Praying hard and holding hope. (And neurotically checking for updates)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you....thought of you at 8:10 this morning. Hope this is Lucky #7
ReplyDeleteWaiting with bated breath for the ultrasound report. So hoping for good news!
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking of you two (three!? four?! ) all morning, Mo. I keep refreshing with mountains of hope. Every once of good wishes from the South.
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking of you all morning. Praying and hoping that all went wonderfully this morning. Hoping so hard.
ReplyDeleteAnxiously awaiting your results. I'm just a day behind you. 5 weeks 5 days today. First u/s for me isn't until Tuesday. I've lost 5 pregs and this is IVF#3. I'm trying desperately to stay positive and am SO hopeful that you will kick things off for both of us with heartbeats today!!!
ReplyDelete