Blechiness

I'm feeling blechy today. And this is going to sound strange, but I'm luxuriating in it. Although it isn't pleasant, it is so reassuring to have some symptoms. So the fact that even sitting with patients today, I was feeling distracted by nausea? That I was decidedly nauseated even after eating, when usually I feel the worst when my stomach is empty? Well, pretty damn cool, in an I-don't-feel-so-good kind of way. I must sound like a masochist, but anything that has me feeling pregnant has me feeling pretty happy.

So count me as blechy but happy. Also count me as bloated, constipated, and tired, but that's ok, too. Weird that my breasts aren't really sore with a progesterone level of 57. I noticed last night that they are looking mighty big, but they don't hurt so much.

I also have to say that even though I feel some nausea, I think I'm getting off pretty easy. I'm not out and out vomiting, for example, which some women really struggle with. And I'm able to eat and drink (have to be careful about what, but that's ok). I've had brief wonderings if I just think this is easy because it is a piece of cake compared to chemotherapy nausea. That was the pits. After one of my infusions, I remember throwing up literally 40 times in a row, just dry heaving after a while, then lying with my face against the bathroom tile floor because I was too spent to even try to crawl back to bed. I remember fearing that I might die - that my stomach would eventually just rupture from the effort. That was rough. I felt like I was ingesting poison. And I guess I was. Poison for my lymphoma, but also for the rest of me. I got through it, though, and it saved my life.

But this nausea? Uncomfortable, but luckily definitely manageable. I know many women have it so much worse. I think it helps me so much too that this nausea is because something wonderful is hopefully happening inside of me. It's not because I have a life-threatening illness. It's because I'm trying my damndest to grow another life inside of me. That helps a lot, I think, to remember the purpose of this nausea.

Oh, and I received a message from the Denver nurse that I can drop to 2 estrogen patches and to 1 progesterone suppository (+ the 1cc PIO nightly), and then at the end of the message she added, "and I'm not even going to talk about that beta." OK, then. So I guess she sees it as no problem (except for the problem that it keeps getting drawn), which is basically what I surmised online and from your comments. Thanks, as always, for the reassurance.

Mo

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