Waiting for the phone to ring

Hanging in...feeling mostly recovered from the IVIG, I think, and it's now only two more days until Will returns from his trip. Really looking forward to his return. In the meantime, all seems to be status quo. I'm having some occasional uterine twinges and momentary cramps, which I am guessing/hoping are growing/stretching pains. Same level of pink tinge...not really spotting, but spotting not completely absent either. My fatigue remains, but seems a bit better today. Appetite and sense of smell are off, but not intolerable. In fact, my appetite seems a little better, which of course has me a bit concerned, but I'm trying not to overanalyze.

I went in this morning for my weekly blood work check. It's amazing how anxious waiting for the results still makes me, even after doing this week after week. Again, the tech wouldn't let me drop the beta check. I told her I only need the progesterone and estrogen and she went and talked to a nurse and said they wanted to check the beta HCG again too. OK...I guess...Just hoping nothing comes back wonky and freaks me out. I'm down to 1cc PIO + 2 suppositories (from 3) and down from 4 estrogen patches to 3. Hoping those numbers are still good enough and that the beta is higher than last week (beyond that, I don't think there's anything to look at with the HCG anymore. And I wish they would stop checking it at my local clinic - Denver certainly doesn't want that lab value anymore - but my local clinic folks don't seem amenable to that).

So now it's the wait. Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock... I think it's silly this is still so nerve wracking for me. I'm pretty certain that the IVF nursing staff at my clinic would never guess how worried I am. After all, usually when someone is this far along, they've moved on into a blissful pregnant state. Or maybe not? Maybe that's just my imaginings of what "other people's" (read: non-miscarriers') experience is like. Sounds like many of you have had lots of fear too, so I suspect my imaginings are incorrect...

I will feel MUCH better getting the results, I think. Even though a rising beta and good estrogen and progesterone do not a live baby make (necessarily). I would have felt even better not checking on things at all. Weird, but true. I think by the time next Wednesday's ultrasound comes around, I'll be terrified to check but desperate for confirmation of the pregnancy or a desire to find out it's over. Thankfully, Will will be back by then, so I won't be on my own, whatever the news is.

I was scheduling patients today for next Wednesday, and as has happened every week, I paused before scheduling anyone for after the ultrasound. I know I'll be too much of a mess to see patients if I've just found out I've lost the baby. So I had the thought that maybe I should just keep my schedule clear....just in case. Ugh. Crazy thinking. I need to just keep living my life, I finally told myself. If the pregnancy is over, I will call patients and tell them there's been an emergency and cancel them. I don't need to predict the terrible outcome and plan for it. Seriously! Especially not every week. Not a good way to live one's life, waiting for and anticipating disaster at every turn.

Sigh.

So hoping the phone will ring soon with these results. And willing time to pass quickly so I can get a little further into the pregnancy. Just trying to be sane in the meantime. And succeeding...mostly...I think.

I will post the lab numbers when I get them. Should be any time now. Thanks for waiting with me.

Mo

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