Mo: So it appears we may be having a baby in a little over a month. Does it feel real to you?
Will: No. Not at all. I really cannot fathom it.
Mo: Doesn't feel real to me either.
[sit beside each other in silence on the couch for a bit]
...
Mo: Do you think that's how most first-time parents feel?
...
[silence]
Mo: Or do you think we're sort of fucked up because of our history?
...
Will: I think it's probably common, but I also think we're pretty fucked up.
...
Mo: Probably, huh? I guess it will feel more real after she gets here.
[sit beside each other in silence on the couch, holding hands]
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Oh, yes! I remember this! It must be something which is common in IF-ers.
ReplyDeleteEven after we hit viability, it was still hard to believe that we would actually get a baby at the end. We did not even start on our nursery until 3rd trimester.
It's not limited to just those who've struggled for conception and pregnancy. I don't think we really realized we were having a baby until we were in the hospital and realized, yup, now we really do have to pick a name, because soon they're going to come back in and want to know what to call her.
ReplyDeleteIt's not just IF parents. I'm not (not bragging) and it's been unreal each time until they are waking me up in the middle of the night. And for the record, I read your blog to stop me from saying something truly retarded to the 3 family members and multiple friends struggling to start a family. Very informative and so very excited for you!
ReplyDeleteSo happy for you! So happy.
ReplyDeletewhat a sweet moment between the two of you. A lot of life is improv, right. What couple is really prepared before the arrival of their first child? I was wager that no one is prepared. But ready or not, here she comes!!
ReplyDeleteI think it's impossible for anyone to get what living with a baby might be like until they're doing it....but, yeah, the shock factor has got to be bigger for you from how LONG it took to get here, with so many obstacles. I know for me, I was so focused on getting *pregnant* that it didn't quite stick that the goal was a baby *in my house* And then there he was!
ReplyDeleteVery sweet.
ReplyDeleteThen she will show up and rock your world sideways. Once you recover, you will wonder what it was like before she was there.
Very bizarre.
Six wks - may they fly!
Such a poignant and sweet and melancholy and awesome moment you've captured. May your daughter bring you many such moments of bewilderment and amazement in the years to come. :)
ReplyDeleteFor me it sunk in the second the doc told me I could start pushing. I panicked and changed my mind (as if it's possible at that point). I remember crying "but Im not ready to be a mom I don't know what I'm doing" the doc just chuckled and said a lot of moms get that way when it's pushing time. Don't you worry when that little baby is in your arms it fill definitely feel real. And there is no possible way to imagine or dream up how awesome the feeling will be. I can't wait until you're in the mommy club! You've pressed on when others would have given up- and now you're getting ready to meet your little one! Congrats:)
ReplyDeleteInfertility or not, there is an unknown about first time parenting that can't be planned for. Sure, you've seen, heard, and read about others doing it, but it is just not the same as having a real life newborn placed in your arms and then in an infant carrier and then home with you. There isn't a primer for it. Yes, you are battle scarred and battle weary and your struggle will always be a part of your story. But, it will not be center stage once she is here. What will be is, "what do we DO with her?" :)
ReplyDeleteThat said, imagining what it might be like, planning for having a baby in your care, isn't a bad thing no matter how close or far from reality it ends up being.
Perhaps a blog post to parents re: "What you know now that you wished you'd known then" might help.
This made me cry. It was so familiar. 6 1/2 months in, it still doesn't always feel real. She's coming, Mo- she's coming.
ReplyDeleteMine's eight and it still sometimes doesn't feel real... I'm a mother? It's crazy.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with the others - it is normal to feel this ay, bt IF does make it a little more...surreal i guess. as someone above said i was so focused on pregnancy, i sort of forgot that *baby* comes after.
ReplyDeletebut it is true, once she is here you won't remember life before her. for me it became "real" when it was just me and her, up in the wee-est hours doing a feeding. it felt like we were the only ones awake in the world. it was just the two of us. and it was real :)
you guys are going to love it! if anything, IF and being "fucked up" by it all makes you BETTER, more appreciate parents. its real. i mean, its already real... she's with you but on the inside- you already are parents!
ReplyDeleteit is coming so soon! i am counting the days... please update frequently!
My baby (a DE baby born after 8 years and 6 losses) is now 20 months and I STILL have moments where I see the toys in the living room or the highchair in the kitchen and think "Wow - we've actually got one of these things?!". Most nights, my husband and I sit on the couch with the boy - or after he's gone to bed - exclaiming over the incredibleness of him and our sheer good luck.
ReplyDeleteYou are so close now - it's wonderful! And I agree with anonymous that it does make you more appreciative - once you've got over the shock ;-)!
My husband and I had the same conversation. Actually now that he is here we still "I can't believe he's here." It's totally IF's stuff. My pregnant sister who doesn't have IF said she never had that conversation.
ReplyDeleteSo happy things are going so well.
It didn't feel real to me until about a week into her life :-)
ReplyDeleteYup had that conversation and up until the moment I heard his first cry I thought maybe it was a really active cocoanut! You are so close I am so happy for you guys!!!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are feeling is completely normal but it is accentuated because of what you went through.
ReplyDeleteAfter I had my first two boys, I had 6 losses. After that, I never quite believed my third son would actually come home with me because loss had become so familiar.
Hi Mo and Will...
ReplyDeleteHow poignant and normal...normal for IF and loss, and normal for those who've never experienced IF or loss.
Normal.
Finally.
Wonderfully.
Thankfully.
You will remember what life was like before she came. You'll just realize that all those times you quietly told yourself, "it'll be ok if we don't have kids" after yet another loss, were lies.
And you'll realize once she's here that you wouldn't have wanted to miss the experience for anything. That life without her would have been OK, but now that she's here, it's complete. And right. And full to bursting with love, and healing, and normalcy, and most importantly, less fuckuppedness!
We still sometimes feel however, that we're merely babysitting for someone, and the child isnt ours, not really, and the real parents haven't come home yet from their date, to pick up the child!
And then I realize, when she's crying in someone else's arms, and I take her from them to comfort her, and she settles, and gives me a gummy smile, that she IS mine, ours, and she was meant to be here.
As is your daughter.
I cannot think of a greater joy, and I cannot think of two people who are more deserving of the privilege of parenthood, than the two of you.
Enjoy.
Physician chick from the great white north
I couldn't imagine what being a mom was like either. I thought I was like trying to imagine heaven. But then once he was here it all made sense and now I can't even remember what it was like not to know.
ReplyDeleteYou are only a few WEEKS away from YOUR day. I'm so excited for you and Will. I can't think of two more deserving people.
I am so beyond happy for you. My heart skips a beat every time you have a new post. I love reading about your great progress.
ReplyDeleteLoved your recent post with the updated belly pics.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post. There was a huge disconnect between being pregnant and the thought that we were actually having 3 little ones. We had longed to have a child for over a decade and when they arrived, it just didn't feel real. At all. Like it was just too good to be true.
I loved them, of course, but just didn't feel like they were really truly ours to "keep" and to love forever. When you've struggled so hard to get and stay pregnant, I do think it takes longer for the dream to connect with the reality.
Even when pregnancy consumes your thoughts and your body, there's still a part that feels surreal to all new parents. I'm sure it's heightened in the IF community, though.
Reality sank in one milestone at a time. Birth. Night feedings. Homecoming. Rolling over. Smiling. Teething. Sitting up. Hearing, "mama". Walking. Talking. Running. Jumping. Tantrums. Full sentences.
It just gets more and more real. :)
Can't wait for you and Will to feel this joy. xx
We adopted our son, and I'll never forget turning to my husband as we left the hospital and saying "can you believe they just let us walk out of here at 2am with a newborn baby?!" It was a very surreal feeling for many months. Excited for you!
ReplyDeleteMy history is not remotely fucked up as yours (you do set new standards in fucked-up-ness, fwiw). I am not even infertile and I did not need medical help to get pregnant. Yet even after two years I still wonder how come I got this wonderful, infuriatingly sweet toddler. And as of recently, his incredibly adorable, sleep loving brother. It never gets old, this wondering about the miracles we are given. During a tantrum there is practically not a chance you remember the miracle, I have to admit, but when it passes, and they always pass, you are still looking at your miracle and wonder if it is real.
ReplyDeleteEven when she is ON ME it does not feel entirely real. But this? This is a GOOD dream.
ReplyDeletexo
kate
I think it's pretty universal. My daughter is almost 3 and my husband and I STILL have moments where we can't believe she's ours- that this little human, with all her spunk and humor is ours.
ReplyDeleteAnd even when I was pregnant with baby #2 we still looked at each other in disbelief that it was happening again.
Once your little girl is here, it will happen less often, but you will still sit down, look at each other, and ask, "How can this be real?".
It's just that wonderful (You know, except when it's not and you ask each other stuff like, "How can something that small make a poop so big?" or "How are we going to get through the day without passing out from exhaustion?" etc.)
I've never been there before but I imagine it won't seem real until she's home with you and you're a family of three. So happy for you guys.
ReplyDeleteWhat Physician Chick said. Ditto. Surreal, wonderfully surreal. I can look back at pictures of me when Sunshine was an infant, and regardless of how sleep deprived I look, I can see a look of contentment I NEVER had before.
ReplyDeleteMagpie's coming soon! Squeeeeee! xoxo
Yep, I remember those conversations with R. Even when we were in the hospital during those couple hours between when my water broke and Miss A arrived, we were still looking at each other in disbelief. I think that might have been the first time my heart felt like it might really, truly actually happen.
ReplyDeleteAfter Magpie arrives, you'll still have those conversations. The words will just change slightly, to something along the lines of "Do you believe this amazing, incredible baby is really ours?" And even months later, your cheeks will still literally ache from smiling so much.
I'm so, so happy for you, Will, and Magpie. Here's hoping the next 6 weeks fly by...
wow, only 6 weeks to go. I'm sure it must feel completely surreal. It must be the strangest feeling. Congratulations again Mo, each post I read of yours I feel like there has been a mini triamph in the universe, a certain righting of wrongs that just feels right.
ReplyDeletex
For us it was 4 yrs of trying everything. At last we did IVF at CCRM. We got pregnant.
ReplyDeleteBut I felt like a freak. I didn't magically transform overnight into an exuberant, glowing, first-time pregnant lady. I was so conditioned for failure in the reproduction dept of my life that I just couldn't manage to accept/believe/understand that it was really truly happening. All I knew at that point was how to guard and protect myself from being hurt. So, I was resistent to connecting with him in the womb. Resistent to buy anything. Resistent to share the news with people. I just kept thinking it could all be taken away and so I didn't want to get my hopes up. At times I would feel very guilty that I was in that state of mind during my pregnancy, but I learned to give myself a lot of grace. Infertility is a major battle and you do not escape without scars. Being pregnant didn't wipe away all of the f*cked up emotional baggage I'd built up. Yes, my dream of all dreams was coming true but it took a lot of time for my heart to soften up again.
So, like you, weeks away from his arrival I barely started getting serious about some (important) things like: getting a carseat so we could actually leave the hospital, taking some birthing classes, etc. It just didn't feel real. I'll be honest, for me it didn't even feel real when I was pushing. Started to get real when I held him. More real when we got home. But totally real took weeks.
Congratulations on the very close arrival of your sweet little girl. It is the best.
Today is not yesterday.We ourselves change.How then can our works and thoughts, if they are always to be fittest, continue always the same?
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