Yesterday felt fairly symptomless and by the end of the day I was fearing the pregnancy was over.
Sigh.
It is hard to hold on to good news for long.
So this morning I allowed myself another HPT.
It doesn't look dramatically darker than two days ago. But maybe it's a bit darker? This is also not first morning uring (FMU). I woke at 1:15AM and couldn't hold it any longer, so this is more middle of the night urine than anything (MOTNU).
The darker or not part is hard to tell, but the line certainly isn't gone. So that's something.
My goal this weekend is to think about this pregnancy as little as possible (ha!)
We'll see what next week brings. I will probably test again on Monday. Especially because right now, the plan is to get my second IVIG treatment on Tuesday afternoon. Definitely would rather skip the big expense and suffering if the pregnancy levels are not progressing.
God, I hope the pregnancy is progressing though. Hoping with everything I have.
Mo
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Okay, blogger just ate my comment, but it was: these are ad you doubtless know, qualitative ELISA assays, and are linear over a fairly narrow range. (http://m.clinchem.org/content/49/8/1421.long). Also there's a high dose effect called the hook effect where it will start looking lighter due to basically overloading the test. So while you have in your history ample cause to be concerned, I don't know if you need to worry about the relative darkness just yet. :-)
ReplyDeletethank you for the scientific reminder! yes, yes, yes. Don't think I'm anywhere near the threshhold for hook effect on this test, but appreciate the reminder about it, and about the qualitative ELISA assay. When will someone make a quantitative pee stick, people? I think there would be a big market for it among the infertiles!
DeleteI know! With an ascending ladder of stripes for different valuea. How hard can it be?
DeleteI don't think you could be near the hook but if it's only linear to 300-ish you might be hitting that. Anyhow, I hope it continues to go up!!!
It's progressing. Pretend that it is a train without brakes...nothing can slow it down! Use an image like that when you're doubting. I found symptom watching so tricky in the early days. Better to not read too much into it. Excited from afar for you--have been reading you for years and sending my best wishes to you as your parenting journey has been so difficult and yet you have stayed firm in your resolve. What an example to us all!
ReplyDeleteHang in there mo. hug mag pie and breathe. Sending you good healthy pregnancy vibes.
ReplyDeleteGrow baby grow.
For what's it worth I never have symptoms until 6 weeks... Xoxo Amy
Why so worried so soon after the good blood results yesterday? Anyway, I'm hopeful for you. We are ttc now for 6 months, no interventions yet, but maybe headed that way. I'm 34. I'm happy for you even tho my own pee sticks are still completely blank where I want that second line to be. I hope you can enjoy the weekend, and moreover, I hope your little one hangs in there!
ReplyDeleteUm, read her blog? If you're 34 and only been TTC 6 mo, you should kindly abstain from asking why she is worried. I have 2 CCRM miracles and with the 1st I didn't buy baby furniture until I was 31 weeks.
DeleteWhy so worried? Because she has had 7 miscarriages. SEVEN.
DeleteOnce you suffer through multiple losses you NEVER stop worrying. NEVER. And I speak from experience of "only" having four miscarriages.
Not to pile on, but your comment, while well-intentioned, is INCREDIBLY misguided. 7 miscarriages, tens of thousands of dollars in doctors' bills, and more than a decade of trying is going to leave someone rattled. Also, please don't make everything about you and your struggle. Acting as though you can totally empathize because you've been trying for 6 months is incredibly tone-deaf.
DeleteRead the blog. From the very beginning.
Ugh! I tried to resist replying to this and just couldn't. Seriously, person??? Don't come to a person's blog, read one post, then comment something so judgmental without knowing a person's history.
DeleteMo - you are in my thoughts and prayers and I have my fingers crossed your beta continues to progress and this is a healthy and full term pregnancy!
For me, the reassurance tends to last only about a day or so, before the fear sets in again. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve in this blog, and let even my most vulnerable emotions be seen. I hope that in that way, it might help someone else who has similar feelings and may recognize themselves in me. I didn't start out this neurotic about pregnancy. The first one for sure I thought would be fine, and then after the heartbeat disappeared at 8.5 weeks, was devastated. Was more nervous the second time...and it's just built from there... I'm hoping if I can get a little further with this pregnancy that it will lessen. Hoping! Good luck to you with your TTC journey.
DeleteMo, I think I just felt so sad for you that the reassurance was gone so quickly. I'm sorry if I sounded judgmental, I can't pretend to relate at all, only as one woman longing for a family to another. Thank you for your reply and thank you for this blog. I've been here since before Magpie and the vulnerability, but your quiet strength, is palpable. Thank you for your honesty. Sharing your journey has meant so much to so many people. anyway, I do continue to hope for you, and pray that little one keeps growing.
Deletemo,
ReplyDeleteyou are reminding me that even vets can get thrown right back into "newbie-ness"...
each and every pregnancy I ever had, I felt like a bumbling fool, staring at lightness and darkness of lines or no lines, fretting over betas, worrying over u/s' accuracy etc.
even though I "knew better". its almost unavoidable. how can you not worry? when you want it so much? it is so difficult to *not* think about it... its almost psychotic to pretend it isn't happening. maybe you should just try to embrace the worries and concerns, and that might actually temper them? I don't know...
I think because you are facing down a very costly IVIG on Tuesday, ask for another beta? to see if the numbers are doing what they should be? seems to me a better gauge than the subjective darkness of a pee stick.
someone should open a private lab for betas. right? you are a RPL vet-in-every-way lady, they should have you on repeat betas for goodness sake.
well, in any case, I do think that test looks just as it should. its a positive pee stick... yay!
hang in there, mo. do something nice for yourself and your family today... some yummy take out or a fun activity in the park or whatever. you really deserve it!
Pee sticks are such a mind f***. I had miscarriages with dark lines and pregnancies that stuck with lines that never got dark. And after 4 miscarriages, no number of pee sticks or betas were ever reassuring. (Especially after my 4th miscarriage that had beautiful pee sticks and amazing betas.)
ReplyDeleteConversely, my last pregnancy had pee sticks that never got much darker than your line above - ever. And I now have a 5 month old to show for it.
I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Your head knows all of this. But I also know that horrible feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop at any second. Hugs. This part is hell.
It does look darker. i think those tests aren't as clear as the FRERs. I know the FRERs aren't cheap but give u a more accurate result if u are going to POAS.
ReplyDeleteDon't count on symptoms. You know where I'm at... And sometimes I feel symptoms other times not at all. I was so scared at first u/s. It was hard to believe I was pregnant and that things were progressing but they were!!!
This early time is so hard. Hang in there!!!!!
A good friend of mine had her OB preparing her for a loss when her hcg was not doubling fast enough, and now she has a 2 year old. It does happen! Even to battle scarred soldiers like us. Hang in there Mo!
ReplyDeletethank you for this story : )
DeleteThat line is totally darker than the test before!!!
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed and wishing you well!! I know all too well how scary and crazy-making theses first weeks can be.
ReplyDeleteLooks darker to me! Hang in there. I freaked myself out in a digital weeks estimator that didn't go to 3+ when I thought it should have. My hubby asked me not to test anymore so I'm trying to wait until my scan on Tuesday. It's so hard! I understand how you feel. I'm praying for you!
ReplyDeleteWishing you a beautiful scan on tuesday! let us know how it goes!
DeleteThanks so very much! I will. <3
DeleteI have a love hate relationship with HPT!!
ReplyDeletePraying praying praying hard for you
It doesn't look like you're using FREDs, so this may not be an issue, but please keep in mind that the test line may soon get to a point where it doesn't get any darker, even though your hCG levels are continuing to rise. FRED (or is it FRER now?) changed its tests a couple years ago, and they top out in terms of darkness fairly early on. That wasn't the case with my pregnancy with Miss A (testing in July 2011), but by the time I was testing for Baby Z in Nov. 2013, they had changed. I freaked out at first because I thought it was a bad sign, but when I googled, I found a lot of people saying the test had been changed and it stops progressing in darkness pretty early on. In our case, I think it was only just a few days after the official betas, around a level of 600. So, please don't panic if you don't see a continuously progressive darkening of the line. While losses are certainly possible at any stage (even for fertiles who've had multiple successful pregnancies), I do think there is something to the idea that once your body has done this once, it has a better idea of what it's supposed to do the next time around. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteRebecca - I like the idea that my body has a better idea what to do. I hope so!
DeleteI know the worry of vanishing symptoms all too well. It never meant a darn thing! With both of my take-home-baby pregnancies symptoms never got consistent until at least 7-8 weeks. My second was a huge surprise, and of course once I found out I was pregnant, all the symptoms that led me to take a test disappeared the very next day. I called for a beta draw in tears. (I'm sure the lab tech thought I was completely batshit.) I was convinced things were heading the wrong direction and googled myself sick trying to find encouraging stories. So here I am, hoping that my happy ending helps buoy you a bit. Any more betas coming up?
ReplyDelete1) That latest line is definitely darker than the line on the second test.
ReplyDelete2) Urine at 1:15am is so far away from being FMU that if you're getting a line at all -- much less one darker than the line taken "properly" two days prior -- I think that's a good sign.
3) That having been said, testing on Monday to see if you really need to shell out money for and risk fever/shakes/etc. with IVIG sounds like an excellent idea. Here's hoping you are physically miserable but emotionally delighted come Tuesday afternoon. :)
That line definitely looks darker to me. I know how it is, you get a little reassurance, can enjoy it for a day and then next morning you are worried again. There's nothing that can be done until you start feeling kicks :-) (and even then, I tormented myself!)
ReplyDeleteGlad that you got the reassurance you needed. The 2nd 2WW is torturous. Symptoms, if any, come and go and aren't all that strong to begin with and can always be attributed to meds, and there is no real way to 'feel' what's going on in there. I found it to be a specific kind of hell, especially after multiple early losses.
ReplyDeleteHanging on and waiting to see what this week brings. Get another beta tomorrow (if you needed permission).