Where things stand today

I just wanted to say a quick hello. I'm not out the other side of this loss emotionally, but if I waited to post until that happened, it might be a long wait until my next post. I think that most of the physical aspects of the loss are behind me: the night sweats have ceased and I think the majority of the steroid tapering yuckiness* too. The sadness persists.

I don't know where we are going to go from here. Whether we will decide to just have our family be Magpie and us or make another attempt, this time using donor eggs. I've been tentatively exploring various donor egg scenarios (frozen, agency, clinic, etc.) to behaviorally try out how I feel about that. I know that I would be ok with a donor egg baby emotionally, and finding the exact "right" donor doesn't seem to matter quite so much as it used to (Magpie makes it so obvious that each child just is themselves, regardless of where the egg and sperm come from).

I think I mostly wish I could know that if we go the donor egg route that it will work (is it too much to want a guarantee?!), and that we could relatively quickly move forward with our family. I don't think I have a whole lot more stamina left for multiple attempts, and financially it's a significant strain on our resources as well.

I also don't know for sure how Will is feeling about the possibility of using donor eggs. I think he is open to it, but like me he is tired and worn down by the past years trying to conceive (8 years and 9 pregnancies. Gah). He's also a very interior person and so I know there is definitely a process going on inside of him, but I know enough to leave him be and not prod him to try to talk about the process too much too early, especially as right now I'm a bit all over the place, which he would find challenging to tolerate.

Poor Will has been down with an awful GI bug on top of everything else, so it is definitely not the right timing to discuss this on multiple levels. He knows I'm thinking about the donor route (and I'm guessing he is too, in his own way), and he knows I've made an appointment for us at a well regarded local clinic that has a fairly open policy about donor eggs. It's in mid-November and so we should have genetics back by that point, and I'm guessing I'll know how I feel by that time and that we will have been able to have a few conversations about it. I already know for certain I don't want to linger too long here in grief and indecision land, no matter what direction we are heading in.

I will try not to lapse into blog silence as I'm in this difficult place.

I greatly appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. So thank you.

Mo

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* "Yucky" is one of Magpie's current favorite words. I don't know where she learned it, but it's her go-to word to express that she is upset or doesn't want to do something. "That quesadilla is yucky" (I don't want to eat it). "Mommy, you are yucky!" (I'm asking her to do something unbearable, like put on her pajamas). Ah, to be almost 3.

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