I went in yesterday for the Day 2 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. Antral follicle count was 12. Don't know what the FSH level and E2 were but will post it when I get it. Anyway, got the all-clear and started the menopur and follistim last night. Injections again tonight on my own and then I'll go in Saturday morning for more bloodwork.
IVF #4 here we come.
My friend R. (who just had her baby at 44 after one IVF) called and learned we are starting up again and asked, "Aren't you excited?"
Me: "Not really."
R: "But you could have a baby!"
Me: (starting to feel a little irritated, since although she is eight years older than me and started IVF long after us, R. has a baby now and we do not and this felt close to rubbing it in.) "I guess we could."
R: "What about Will? Is he excited?"
Me: "Not really. We're open to the possibility that it could work. But you know, it hasn't in the past."
I felt like a partypooper. The message was clear that I was supposed to feel very excited. Honestly, I'm kind of relieved that I don't. And just to clarify, I'm not feeling hopeless, just kind of neutral. The longer I can avoid the IVF emotional rollercoaster, the better, in my book. (And yes, I realize that I am approaching this very differently than Will, who wrote in his post Wednesday that he is trying to focus on the possibility of having a baby. Different strokes for different spouses?) I'm sure that the reflexive hope wil kick in sometime soon here for me. For now, it's nice to just get the labwork and ultrasounds and give myself the injections and not be predicting an outcome one way or another.
Does that make any sense?
Mo
I think it makes perfect sense. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you for this cycle.
ReplyDeleteI totally makes sense. I on the otherhand got on the rollercoaster and strapped in yesterday. I spent a good hour looking at nursery furniture on the internet. Why do I do this to myself?
ReplyDeleteNeutral's good. Neutral allows you to function, to think clearly, to act appropriately. Neutral allows hope, but doesn't give it the power to knock the wind of out you and leave you breathless. You're being smart and brave. I'm rooting for you both, as always.
ReplyDeleteMo, your approach makes total sense to me. Do what works for you and makes you feel strong. Only you know how you feel, and why. Personaly, I think the best thing you can do is to just own your feelings, experience them fully, and feel validated for being in this moment.
ReplyDeleteBeing as protected as you can be from further disappointment is a good coping strategy. Don't be rushed by anyone - there's still lots of time for excitement and hope later on, if you feel like it. I'm thinking of you.
Here from ICLW. Best of luck on this cycle. Someone who knows only the positive side of IVF can't understand your trepidation or uncertainty.
ReplyDeleteTotally makes sense. Those of us who didn't have IVF #1 succeed can't help but be cautious. Our hopes have already been dashed. My hopes, this time around, have been this weird resigned hope.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on starting! Good luck.
Absolutely makes sense.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't going to react as if this is your first roll in the IVF hay.
And in my book, that's ok.
Fingers crossed.
Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from, everybody.
ReplyDeleteSassymama - thank you in particular. I know you had to "roll in the IVF hay" many times before getting your beautiful triplets. your story is one that gives me hope that maybe we will get there (the other one is Julie's at alittlebitpregnant.com)
Mo
you do what works for you Mo! AND great follie count!
ReplyDeleteI get it. It totally makes sense. When you've been burned before, you are cautious to get too close to the fire again.
ReplyDeleteI guess we will be cycling together, though I think you will be ahead of me. I feel I'm in good company!
Mo - I am with you - in more ways than one - I started stims today too - 375 units of gonal f and 75 of menopur...my poor ovaries are going to get their asses kicked (I hope) I am trying to get excited. As you know, this is 3.5 for me since my official #3 was canceled. I am glad we are cycling together!
ReplyDelete:) it is what it is. that is a good mantra.
ReplyDeletei'm excited for stims!! wahoo!!
Mo, I could have written this post. Oh, wait! I did. But I deleted it when I got concerned that my "aren't you excited?" friend would find my blog.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you got the go ahead. Of course this cycle could make a baby, but we have to deal with this stuff in a way that works for us. To hell with anyone else's expectations!
Hang in there, girl! Let's get together soon.
I think it's completely fine to feel neutral. The emotional rollercoaster is exhausting. I think it's a fine strategy to stay off it as long as you can.
ReplyDeleteYay for starting stims!
Makes perfect sense to me. I hate it when everyone around me has that "glass is half full" mentality - especially the moms I'm friends with. It just seems so easy and logical for them to be so hopeful and uplifted by it all.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you start stims.
it makes perfect sense. i am excited for you guys and holding up hope for you! GL!
ReplyDeleteYea for starting IVF #4...and yea for hoping it brings you what you want! But I know that it sure doesn't seem that way when you're going through it. So, neutral is a good place. My zen place is what I called it.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time, right?
Perfect perfect sense. This is why I'm not telling IRLs about our IVF. I don't want to feel the need to 'act' excited. Even though this is our first, I feel fairly realistic about it. Our odds are 50/50 considering the whole 'severe' MFI thing. So, I guess I'm 50% excited and 50% already disappointed...which pretty much balances out to, oh, NOTHING.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. I think you're normal, for whatever that's worth.
That makes total sense. When you have been going through this for so long it is hard to go all in everytime. I have everything crossed for you!
ReplyDeleteMakes perfect sense. I'm not a big fan of those who expect us to feel anything. If you feel neutral then that's just the way it is. (((hugs))) and hang in there.
ReplyDeleteICLW
I know just how you feel - the few people who know we are trying again are all excited, and I'm just trying to take it one shot at a time. I am so NOT looking beyond the next few weeks...
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, best of luck to you, and I am really excited about your co-culture thing. Can't wait to hear how it works out.
Congrats on starting the stims, And I am with everyone else: feeling neutral makes perfect sense.
ReplyDeleteI am pretty neutral this time too. I start soon. Good luck- kate
Makes perfect sense to me. It's called 'self preservation' and protection. And it's totally ok. Wishing you all the best.
ReplyDeletePlenty of sense to me. There's a funny line between wanting it to work, and not wanting it to tear you apart. The part that gets to me ie the knowledge that it could go either way.
ReplyDeleteI think it makes perfect sense. I believe that experience breeds pessimism. If you have tried something and it failed in the past, there is no reason to believe that it will be successful this time. I have done quite a few IUI cycles, and during the last couple of cycles, people kept asking me if I was excited. I was not exited. I told them I would believe it when I see it. Until then, not so much excitement. I have had too many failures in the past. And this past cycle was no exception.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best the cycle, whatever happens.
being temperate is a great and healthy place to be, good for the mind, good for the body, good for the embabies!
ReplyDeleteYou've got to feel what you need to feel. People getting on me to stay positive really irked me every time. They were usually people who've never gone through IVF and all that it entails. Perhaps I would be more emotionally stable if I could get more sleep during the cycles and I've asked about how all MDs could be sadistic morning people. Hang in there. I know it is hard to get too invested emotionally by IVF #4. I know by the 4th cycle I was just going through the motions and questioning the insanity of trying again and again like this but always getting the same result. I truth no one ever wants to say is that so much of IVF is a crapshoot. Who know what this cycle will bring... only time will tell. Take care.
ReplyDeletemakes sense to me, personally i've found that being optimistic inevitably leads to disappointment, whereas pessimism can lead to being pleasantly surprised. good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteiclw
Makes tons of sense. I think your friend has pregnesia. That's annoying, to say the least.
ReplyDelete