Man (and woman) plan, God laughs

Life has a funny way of working out sometimes. Here we are, brimming with hope (and hope's cousin, fear) about this new pregnancy. We are also laughing (and slighly dismayed) at the timing.

You see, Will and I have a big two-week celebratory trip planned for after my dissertation defense, a trip we are supposed to leave on in less than a week. Honestly, it's kind of a trip of a lifetime. Something we've been just filled with excitement about. This trip was supposed to be to a certain remote part of the globe that is teeming with wildlife. It's also teeming with malaria.

We planned this trip, actually, to be somewhat compensatory for our lack of offspring. It was specifically designed to be amazing and fun, but also to be completely incompatible with having children. A trip that while on we could thumb our noses at the universe and say, That's right! See, for once, it's good we don't have children! Or we couldn't take this really adventurous trip!! And, um, we succeeded. The trip is completely incompatible with children. It's also completely incompatible with my current condition, because it is not safe for me to take malaria prophylaxis, and it is also not possible to forgo malaria prophylaxis in the region we'd be traveling in (we looked into it, believe me).

So with the pregnancy on board, the trip is out.

Now please don't ever mistake it, we are extremely excited about being pregnant. But it's so early, and we've had such bad luck in the past, that it is hard not to think that yet again something is going to happen, something bad.

We are grappling with the possibility, one we know all too well, that we may lose this pregnancy. And because of the fascinating timing of all this, we are also grappling with the double whammy that that loss would mean that we lost the chance to take this trip of a lifetime for nothing. For another round of grief. The one-two punch. Nevertheless, of course, we have canceled the trip. Because, really, what else could we do? We want to have a child more than anything. Hands down. And now we are trying to rapidly come up with a plan B for our vacation.

Somehow the confluence of events has rocked me from my zen place of taking this pregnancy one grateful day at a time. I am struggling to be in the moment. I am filled with fear.The upcoming trip makes me continually think of the future, rather than stay right here in the present. It beckons me to wonder if this pregnancy will work out or not. I hear the Siren song to obsess over every body symptom or lack thereof. Why don't my breasts hurt? I'm less nauseated, aren't I? Peeing less? Beta must be dropping. It's over. Wait, a twinge. Was that a cramp? Is that good or bad? Egads.

Somehow I have to get back to the place of letting go. We've done our part and last we heard, things looked shockingly, amazingly good. I have no control over what will happen. And if we lose the baby and we can't reschedule the trip, I have done nothing wrong. It was the right decision to cancel a potentially dangerous-to-pregnancy trip. I must just keep repeating that to myself. No matter what happens, we are just doing the best we can and none of this is our fault. Right?

Hopefully I can find my zen place. I desperately need it. We're getting another beta on Monday, but that feels like years from now. Till then, your thoughts, wisdom, and sanity are most welcome.

Mo