It's strange, but since our latest loss at the beginning of August, I have felt that I don't know which way to turn.
None of the options feel good or right to me. And therefore, for once, we haven't leapt right back into another IVF cycle.
I feel, in fact, like we've just been standing still for the past almost three months.
But I guess that isn't true. In that time, we've met with the geneticist and gotten the endometrial function testing, and gone to see the reproductive immunologist (follow up appointment is in two days, finally), and we are scheduled to go to Denver for the one-day work-up next Tuesday. I hesitate to type that last item because I've scheduled that work up several times before and we've never actually kept the appointment. But I think this time we are actually going to go.
Reading all that, it seems that we've actually been pretty busy with all these testings and consultations. Which makes me wonder, why do I feel so stagnant?
I think it's because when I look at all of the options, I am just stymied. We're thinking we may do an IVF cycle in Denver. But I feel pretty much completely hopeless about it. We're considering doing some high dose IUIs here in New York, but I feel pretty lackluster about that too. We're thinking of attending an adoption conference in November, but I'm not that jazzed about that. And we've been entertaining some donor options, but again, bleh.
It feels so strange to not feel driven forward, as I have for the past two years, in our quest to have a baby. We still want a baby desperately, don't get me wrong, but the urgency has changed. Which I think is only because I'm really beginning to give up on the idea of us succeeding on our own. And yet I continue to be underwhelmed about the other options: adoption or donor. So I'm in this in-between place.
Neither here nor there.
Basically, in limbo.
For three months we've been in this information gathering place with this testing, these specialists. I'm beginning to think that at the end of it, the path won't be any clearer than it was before.
Except perhaps maybe for one thing.
Perhaps I'm moving closer to the beginning of acceptance.
Perhaps I'm starting to let the reality sink in: that there will be no certainty; there will be no definitive answers.
Hmmm.
Mo
I think it is totally and completely understandable that you feel this way. You have been through a lot...maybe a little break will feel better...a little?...maybe?...not so much? I get it. You have done a lot and hopefully going to your appointment next week will be great. I really hope so. A lot of people have success after not having any at other places.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you!
I'm sorry it's so hard. Know what you mean about not moving forward and having no answers. I hope that either the immunologist or Denver will have something to aim for, because if you're anything like me, limbo's about the worst place to be. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteLimbo is completely, 100 percent understandable. You have both been through a LOT in the last two years and I'm sure it's extremely tough - especially as you look at maybe switching gears and looking toward adoption. Taking a little time away from the therapies and treatments is a good thing. Sometimes, we all need a break. Take care of yourself. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI've commented and commented but never heard back so I thought I'd just comment anonymously. I know how you feel--we've been driven forward and forward and forward on hyperdrive for three years in the whirlwind of ART. So many IVFs, so much disappointment and now we find ourselves at a very different place emotionally--one we never thought we'd be---where we're just not that driven anymore. I don't know if it's just exhaustion or what, but it almost feels good. Just to be for a while.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
I totally get how you are feeling. I am on the schedule for a January cycle, but seriously thinking about moving back to Feb or not doing it at all.
ReplyDeleteI too am unenthused about my options.
I'm so understanding your situation and feelings. I'm in the same place after 10 losses with no answers. Acceptance of the situation is so hard, but it's also hard to keep denying the situation exists (and I'm turning the big 4-0 soon). And to gear yourself up for more treatments that have already shown not to be successful is mentally and physically exhausting. You have been extremely thorough since august, searching for info and considering your options.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I did to see the 'other side' was to investigate the option of being 'childfree'. I hope this suggestion isn't upsetting to you, but it helped me become knowledgeable about life without children (although that's my life right now) and to read about people in that situation and the potential advantages.
Good luck going forward.
What about surrogacy? Your DNA, new uterus?
ReplyDeleteThe way you're feeling makes so much sense. That said, I am so happy you're going to Denver. If definitive answers are available, they will help you find them (especially if you do a CGH cycle). If not, they will help you sort you through the next-best options and will tell it to you straight. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could have written most of this myself. I love your wording, I am not "jazzed" about anything either. Donor eggs, donor embryos, IA or domestic adoption, trying on our own, and the list just goes on...
ReplyDeleteI wish one of my options would just light up and sound appealing but as of yet none have.
Good luck at your immunologist appointment on Thursday!
I paused quite a bit before typing this, trying to think of exactly what to say. It is so hard to come to that acceptance, I just touch on it here and there, and it still knocks me over. Acceptance, and accepting less control over our selves, our lives, our bodies than we've ever been used to before. It is a struggle. It takes time.
ReplyDeleteLimbo can sometimes feel like more work than when you are actually working towards a goal.
Good luck with these upcoming appointments.
"There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
ReplyDeleteNo one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time"
Limbo is like standing outside of a shop window looking at the pretty clothes and deciding none of them look quite right. Usually when you walk by, the sweaters, boots, purses seem shiny and fun. But all of a sudden, things change. Eventually you'll want to walk back in the store. It's okay not to go shopping for awhile. Take your time until something pops out at you.
ReplyDeleteDamn, I wish I could think of something comforting to say that would actually be ... you know ... comforting.
ReplyDeleteThis shit is just fucking hard!
When I was in limbo, a limbo of a different kind, but, nonetheless a thou shall not try to make a baby limbo (one in which we did nothing "active ivf wise" for over a year) it's weird, and believe of the limbo and because of hte limbo thelackluster blah eventually did transition into a bit of an acceptance (of course -for me - becuase I had no other options it helped me accept my only option and brought a new kinda peace). I knew I wouldn't give up until I was a mother, although the exact path was unclear, once I had that knowing in my heart, it started to feel better.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, just writing to say that I hope that feeling comes to you.
Sometimes the answer just appears (as if out of nowhere) when you're least expecting it. I know that DH and I have borrowed a line from one of our favorite movies often: "We're forcing it." And we have forced it many times, only to be disappointed and frustrated. On some occassions we recognized that force and stepped back. (Which I think you have done lately.) And somehow, if by magic (because I am not the praying type)the answer or path appears. I can't describe it. It just does. And it did for us this last time. I guess, without trying to give assvice, I'm saying just let things ride. The right choice will present itself. Probably when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could come up with something comforting as well. I do hope you'll come to Denver...it makes no logical sense even as I type this, but good things really do happen here fertility-wise. (I live an hour away from Denver, in Colorado Springs) For example, one Michigan blogger whose blog I read religiously recently adopted her long-awaited son, who was born to a birthmom living here in Colorado Springs. This place just has good mojo, so I'm hopeful for you. :)
ReplyDeleteI've got nothing super helpful to add on what to do, since you and Will are clearly thinking this through together. But I am really, truly glad to hear that you don't feel the need to rush to a new thing, and that some acceptance that whatever you choose will be the right thing for you. Take care of yourself, and take the time you need to choose your path forward.
ReplyDeleteI so hope you get some answers at the end of all this. I think if you can get them anywhere, it will be from CCRM. They have helped so many couples who felt like they were at the end of their rope. I have so much hope for you both!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes you just need to be in limbo and then you're just not.
ReplyDeleteGL with appt. I hope you get some answers and are one step closer to your sticky baby
You know my thoughts on CCRM...I think it is the way to go and hopefully the one-day workup will bring you out of limbo and a cycle there will give you answers. I know this stage is tough, but hang in there--you're moving in the right direction even if it doesn't feel like it.
ReplyDeleteI am new to your blog, but I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling stagnant. I know that feeling well. Hopefully when you get to Denver you will feel engergized again. It's hard enough to keep trying, but to feel "bleh" about trying must be so much harder. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThink of you both often. I am excited that you are heading to CCRM. Hoping they have some answers!
ReplyDeleteMo,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that this is so hard. Like everyone is saying, you and Will have been through a LOT during the past two years. I hope that the follow up appointment and the Denver trip will bring you some sense of which direction to go. In the meantime, all of us are sitting with you, holding your hand during this limbo. Many hugs to you...
I tried to comment from my phone, but oy, what a pain.
ReplyDeleteI recognize this state so well. It is taht place between what you thought was possible, and what might be possible, and none of it feels right--itchy, but not scratchy.
Stay there as long as you need to. It's part of the grieving process.
Hi Mo this post is really interesting, I feel exactly the same at the moment but I really like how you've worded it.
ReplyDeleteGood to see you are hanging in there anyway and I hope you will find a way forward soon...take carexx