Still out here, biding my time, waiting for June to arrive and with it our time to cycle again in Denver.
While I wait, I've been struck by the thought that, boy, all these IVFs and pregnancies and miscarriages (and more IVFs and more pregnancies and more miscarriages) have been a long, LONG, drawn out process.
And somehow, cycling in Denver has made a process that was as slow as molasses before now seem downright glacial, what with the waiting to cycle and the biopsying and freezing and waiting for test results and the lining building and waiting to transfer, etc.
It's hard to be patient. But at the same time, it's nice to step out of the reproductive madness long enough to get my psychological bearings from time to time. So during this latest wait, I have been taking my temperature again on this whole baby-making business.
In the past, when I've thought about our family building options, I have tried (and tried) to feel ok about adoption, about donor egg. Because while those paths don't look easy, they sure look more certain to work out than our current path. But try as I might, these have just not quite felt right. Can't quite put my finger on why, but something inside me has shrunk away from these paths, never letting them feel completely acceptable or ok for me. This is even as I admire other people's adopted babies and marvel at still others' egg donation miracles.
Well...not sure what to make of it...but something seems to be a'shifting.
Again, can't put my finger on it exactly, but I'm noticing a movement inside, a leaning more toward feeling that I'm ready for us to have a baby in our lives. Come hell or high water or however we have to get him or her here. I'm getting awfully tired of waiting. But while I've been doing all this waiting, it seems that my fearful little heart has grown a few sizes. That my confidence has grown that I could love - and feel all those wonderful glowing mothering feelings toward - a baby who came my way by a number of avenues, not just the avenue I've been so hell bent on achieving.
Was checking in with myself recently and was surprised to realize this. That as we're waiting to cycle again, this openness had snuck up on me.
Funny that we're heading into another IVF cycle as I'm noticing this shift in perspective, an opening in my heart. And that for the first time, we have three chromosomally normal (but wonky) blasts on ice. One of which might be able to grow into a live baby. It would be wonderful if that happened. But it's wonderful too to think that if this latest path doesn't work out that I can be ok - more than ok - perfectly happy - with another path to have a child.
Who ever would have thought? Not sure why it's finally coming, but it's a wonderful development.
Mo
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