So I woke up this morning and duly peed on two sticks. The Icon 25, and the FRER. My husband Will set a timer on his Droid, and we laid beside each other in bed, holding hands, peering intently at the sticks, waiting, waiting, waiting.
Waiting for nothing.
At three minutes, there was no line at all on the FRER. We opened the envelopes with the other tests and looked. Nada.
There is the faintest, faintest hint of a line on today's Icon 25 test (so faint that you can't see it in this picture). It is not imagined; Will and I can both see it, but only if we squint in the brightest light of the bathroom.
This is not looking good.
We don't even know how to feel. Frustrated and defeated are two words that come to mind. We don't know where to go from here. We think we will try another transfer soon, but part of us wonders why even bother. Something is clearly not right for us. Not right with us. Despite a year of investigation and preparation, despite chromosomally normal blastocysts, despite the best clinic in the country, we find ourselves here. Again. At nothing.
We will keep testing until Sunday, just in case.
But ugh.
Mo
Click here to subscribe
I am sorry, Mo. I hope the faint line is not an illusion and grows darker each day.
ReplyDeleteOh Mo... I can't even imagine the crushing feeling after all that build up. The monstrous unfairness of it all on Oct 15th no less. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteYou've been through way more than me and I know how hellish my journey was, so all I know to say is I'm sorry.
Oh, Mo! I'm so sorry. I'm still going to hold out hope that the line gets darker. I have heard that frozen embryos sometimes implant later. But, still ... I can only imagine your deep disappointment and frustration.
ReplyDeleteMuch love. xoxo
I'm so sorry, Mo. I'm still holding out hope for the faint line you see on the hospital test...
ReplyDeleteOh Mo, I'm so very sorry. I hope beyond hope that the line you see just gets darker and darker.
ReplyDeleteDamn. I was so sure you'd end up with an unquestionable positive. I can't imagine how disappointed you must feel.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for you both.
ReplyDeleteI do hope the line gets darker, but I know that won't make you feel any better.
I can tell you that it is so so unfair, but I know that won't make you feel any better.
At this point there are just no words.
The only thing that has ever made me feel any better is doing something totally and completely selfish.
So go be selfish this weekend. Do something for you.
Oh damn it all!
ReplyDeleteOk. Any line is a good line. I NEVER got dark lines, even when my numbers were documented in the 800s, and FETs DO implant later (and typically have lower hCG numbers) But still. I want an end to the worrying for you, and I want it now, goddamnit.
Thinking of you, hoping things work instead of continuing to suck mightily. Oh, Mo, I so want something better for you...
I'm not ready to give up your hope yet, so I will sit quietly in the corner with it.
ReplyDeleteI still send lots of love, though. Take care of yourselves this weekend.
Seriously Mo,
ReplyDeletemy pregnancy tested negative longer than this.
your faint line might darken,
please do not lose faith yet
I know it is hard
impossible
insane
but two lines (even the faintest of faint lines) is still two lines....
I went from nothing
nothing when there *should* be something
to the faintest possible line developing hours later
to another stick later that day with the next to faintest possible line
to a fine beta and now, an impending baby
Here, I want to say, I'll hold that hope for you.
I promise to give it back.
with big love
xoxo
Kate
I'm not giving up the hope just yet. A faint line is a line. I'm just hoping that maybe you aren't producing as much hcg because it was an FET instead of a fresh cycle. I'm so sorry about everything you have been through. And even sorrier that you are going through this now. This stupid limbo of not knowing one way or the other has got to be the hardest thing for you right now. Keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteDamn, Damn, Damn!!!! I really wanted there to be nice, dark lines!!! I'm sorry. But I'm kind of holding out for the faint line from this morning. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletekd
Oh no.
ReplyDeleteI hope the faint line becomes darker every day.
:( This sucks. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteIs it so hard, universe, to give Mo & Will something MORE conclusive?!!!!
ReplyDeleteI do agree with others that a faint line is a line and therefore there is HOPE.
And, as I've said before (and this is not to blow smoke or give false hope) but my sensitive to 15mIU HPTs were pure white 7dp5dt yet at 10dp5dt my beta was 70. So just keep holding on, one test at a time.
Pulling for you!
Any line is a line...the hospital one is probably just more sensitive. Give it another day or two!!! I'm hoping and praying for you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone who said DO NOT give up! It is still very early, and the line could darken dramatically in the next few days. I was so hoping that you would see a definitive second line today, though. Thinking of you!!!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through this... I hope that the next couple of days that faint line darkens.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the disappointment! I am VERY hopeful that the faint line you saw today will get darker tomorrow right until Sunday...you and Will are in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteTwo lines are two lines. You both deserve a positive. Wishing, hoping, and praying for a darker line tomorrow. Lynne
ReplyDeleteOh no! Why is it so hard??? While I sill hope that there's one embryo hanging in there, I only want it to be if it is going to make it all the way to a real live healthy baby! In the meantime, I wish you the strength and courage to face whatever lies ahead.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to echo a bit what MeKate said. I also had extremely faint lines -- lines that didn't show up until I had thrown out the tests. Even with the Twinks, my lines were very faint for several days.
ReplyDeleteI am holding out hope!!!
Thinking of you here in Oregon.
xoxo
MVK
I am going to continue hoping away over here. It is still early. Fingers firmly crossed! {{{}}}
ReplyDeleteThat sucks. I'm still holding out hope for you...that faint line could get darker in the next few days!
ReplyDelete:(.
ReplyDeleteWeird, though, that there is a faint line on the hospital but not the FRER. Still holding out hope....
Holding out hope for you, and many darkening lines in the days ahead.
ReplyDeleteI really really hope that the line gets darker tomorrow. I am holding onto that hope for you too.
ReplyDeleteSuch a terrible disappointment. I hope things turn around for you and SOON.
ReplyDeleteI *HATE* FRERs. I agree with everyone else, a faint line is a line, and FET babies are just more shy. Holding your hope and praying hard for both of you. I hope that Monday brings great joy.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your disappointment. I am not wearing your shoes, but I can somewhat understand your feelings. I do agree that if there is a faint line that there is still some hope. I will keep hoping and praying that your journey will soon end with your baby in your arms. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteA second line? A faint one? I'm gonna hold on to that little bit of hope for you, I know how hard it is to hold on yourself sometimes. It's not over til the fat lady pees all over herself.
ReplyDeleteI too think I will see a darker second line from you tomorrow...((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for you and Will that tomorrow starts off with a darker second line. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMo, I'm so sorry, this is breaking my heart.
ReplyDeleteWe went through a similar thing a few months ago - transfer with 2 normal ccrm blasts that led to a chemical. It sucks so badly. It made us question everything - we thought we'd just jump right on to another transfer or even another cycle - but that particular failure really gave us pause, and made us think there was something wrong with us that there is just no test for. It sounds like you are thinking the same thing. I don't think we will ever transfer into me again, and that is not something I anticipated even the day before we found out.
I hope that this turns out well in spite of it looking bad right now. I so wish this for you.
Oh, Mo, I am so sorry. I will keep praying that line gets darker and darker. I have never wished so hard for someone to have a baby ... you have had such a rough journey. Still praying.
ReplyDeleteFrom a stranger, a lurker who has watched your journey for the past 12 months or so:
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I hate when hope's such a thin thread. This makes my heart hurt. Here's hoping that tomorrow brings different news and darker lines but please know that today you are in *this* stranger's heart and thoughts.
Oh, Mo. Damnit. There aren't any words to make this right, but I am here thinking of you guys and holding hope.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep hoping for a surprise tomorrow morning. Be gentle with yourself and Will as you head into this torturous weekend. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteWoman, you are testing freakishly early. That faint little line should have you dancing in the streets.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, this is a great sign.
Don't allow yourself to be resigned to the end yet.
There is HOPE.
No words. I will continue to hold out hope for you both even when you have no strength to have your own.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. For so many years you have struggled and worked and cried. I really hope that that little line turns into a bright pink banner in a few days.
ReplyDeleteHugs. I am holding hope that it is still too early for a FET.
ReplyDeleteOh Mo my heart just sank when I read your post. It's so unfair it makes me tearful just thinking about you having to face the prospect of another fall. So f'n unfair.
ReplyDeleteHowever small the chances may be, I have to hope that the line gets darker and you just have a slow implanter there. Things could turn around from here, I am hoping with all my heart that they do.
Lots of love and hope from me.
x
Just sending soooooo much love and hope that things swing your way and a darker line shows up tomorrow. Try to keep your heart in a place of peace for as long as you can until you get the definitive blood test results. Keeping you both in my thoughts and sending thoughts of good luck and prosperity on the east wind.
ReplyDeleteA faint line is a faint line! That line has to start somewhere! Hang in there hun, this isnt over yet!! :) xo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're stuck in 2ww hell. I know it's horrible, and I don't mean to be all rose-colored glasses and everything, but I will say this:
ReplyDeleteWhen I tested the night before beta #1, the line was barely, barely there, and the beta turned out to be 11. 2 1/2 days later, I tested in the morning, right before I left for the lab for beta #2, and the line was even more faint than the first one, which I didn't think was possible. And that beta was 25.7.
So the lightness/darkness of the line isn't an exact indicator. Your line at 7dp5dt could equal 25, in which case it's still possible you could get a 50+ first beta.
Also, one other thing the nurses told me - ideally they want the first beta to be 50+, but FET betas are usually lower than that.
Thinking of you and hoping really hard for good news.
Damn. Hope that faint line gets stronger quickly. You deserve a baby!
ReplyDeleteTwo lines are two lines. I didn't get two lines until 14 days passed 3 day transfer and the second line was faint, my son was born 8mths later. I'm holding out hope for this cycle.
ReplyDeleteOK, it's way, way, way too early to be talking about failure and next cycles. A nice, dark line would have been wonderful and reassuring, but FETs definitely have lower betas and tend to be late implanters. A line is a line, and at this point in the game I think any kind of line is great news. If I was in Vegas right now, I'd be betting my money on a slightly lowish but positive beta that ends up doubling just like it's supposed to.
ReplyDeleteI know it's tough but hang in there.
It's still too early to throw in the towel on this one... I'll keep hoping for you.
ReplyDeletea line is a line. hang in there. everything crossed for you, this might not be over yet. Come on line - grow!!!!
ReplyDeletemr ivf.
How are you today? Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI can see the line. Granted, I'm gifted when it comes to seeing lines when I want them to be there, but I do see the positive.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, and I hope there's good news on your horizon.
Wondering if and praying that you got hopeful news this morning...
ReplyDeleteOh hell what a huge disappointment! I'm so sorry for you both :( Wishing you all the best, and hoping that your second line darkens up already!
ReplyDeleteOh you guys, I am sorry you haven't had a great big clear bright line yet. I am REALLY hoping there is still one to come...
ReplyDelete