I wimped out.
I couldn't do it. Just felt too scared. Too afraid that we might get some indeterminate result that would just mess with our minds and our hearts.
Plus maybe I want to be able to imagine for another little while that I'm actually pregnant. That things are ok. Because I'm so afraid that if we really look, we'll find out that things are BAD. Afraid enough that I'd rather not know.
So Will and I talked about this awhile this morning and then he emailed our RE and cancelled.
I will try to find some courage to go in later this week. That's what the Denver nurse told me they want - an ultrasound at some point this week. She'd rather I not put it off until next week (which I was considering). She agreed though that an ultrasound today would be a little on the early side, and that in conjunction with the RE's subpar equipment, might leave me in the unknowing place, with disquieting information we wouldn't know how to interpret.
She said with numbers like these, things should be ok..... Then she paused and added, "but you never know."
Yup. That's it exactly.
Mo
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that's good, mo...
ReplyDeletea relief for you- which is what you need right now, a reprieve.
i think i wanted you to go today because of selfish reasons- *i* wanted to know that things were ok for you, because i just want ti to be so much.
so, go when it feels better, timing wise. your numbers are good.
and thanks for all the updates!
take it easy!
You're not a wimp...far from it, actually. It's perfectly acceptable to want to wait until you will know for SURE what is going on in there. You are doing a great job and we are all here with you...hoping beyond hope that there will be a heartbeat at that u/s. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI do not think that taking care of yourself makes you a wimp. I think it makes you smart. An u/s today would not "buy" you anything, so why take the risk. Complying with the Denver nurse's wishes and getting one "this week" sounds like the best option. Like Friday. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteYour numbers look fantastic Mo! That's superb. I understand that you're hesitant to go for the ultrasound, given the quality of the equipment. So my assvice? Wait. Wait as long as they'll let you because by 7 weeks, you ought to at least see a heartbeat if not hear it. Like my RE told me, "As long as you're not bleeding, cramping or in pain, then assume all is good and carry on." So darling, carry on and be happy. For today, things are good. GREAT even. Take it one day at a time. Many hugs and much love to you and Will.
ReplyDeleteGood you waited Mo, good decision, it would have messed up with your head, specially with the type of equipment this place has. It's great you are giving it a couple more days.
ReplyDeleteNOT. A. WIMP. And you don't have to imagine, you are pregnant. Mo, you are one of the most courageous people I know. Which is why I KNOW you will be a mommy. Hoping so very very hard that number 7 is the one. Big hug.
ReplyDeleteI totally get where you are coming from on this. I think it's smart, when there is nothing to gained and peace of mind to potentially be lost, to take a defensive position. heryou, I'm all about more information, but occasionally there are times when less is truly more. Good job on those numbers. Bask in those for a while and hang in there. We are so with you.
ReplyDeleteI doubt that I could have made a different decision myself. Not that what *I* want matters here. I hope that waiting for the ultrasound brings you a measure of peace and you can still bathe in the spark of hope. Because, as you said, what is happening (please let it be joyous!!) will make no difference if you see it today or in a week. Ambiguity is worse than knowing. It will be what it will be. I pray that what you see when you are ready to go, will be a moment for you and Will to treasure--and for us to rejoice with you.
ReplyDeleteGood idea to wait until later this week. The more certainty the u/s brings the better, at this point! I'm really hoping you get through this next one with flying colors. In the mean time, hang in there and know that your numbers look terrific. The nurse is right, all signs point to things being just great....
ReplyDeleteNothing wimpy about it. Your numbers are excellent, so there's no reason to rush, and every reason to wait til things will be clear and unmistakeable. Which will be sometime later this week.
ReplyDeleteOh no!!! I was really looking forward to hearing how gorgeous that little beating heart was. xoxox
ReplyDeleteHey, Mo. You're not a wimp. You're probably the strongest woman I know, online or off. You did what you thought was right for you. And I so hope these few days buy you some peace of mind. You ARE pregnant, and so far #7 seems to be going strong.
ReplyDeleteI think it takes a lot of courage and discipline to wait. I always wanted to, but never could. Waiting affords you more certainty - makes sense to me. But I'm praying and hoping that regardless of when that scan comes - it'll be wonderful. Huge hugs ....
ReplyDeleteFor the reasons already described in my comment yesterday I think you made the right decision. Remember I'm the same person who chuckled at the anon. who asked if there would be any actionable info. in an early beta because I do get it -- action-ability is by far the only good reason to need to know. But I really do think there comes a point, and it's probably different for everyone, but nonetheless, where accumulating in-actionable information becomes at best unproductive and at worst counter-productive.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you made a great decision. I hope you can do something kind to reward yourself despite the many restrictions I know you are observing (and experiencing) as you nurture this pregnancy.
Postponing this u/s be classified as prudent,definitely not wimpy! I'm glad you are waiting, because I have been burned by wanting to know things too early, had I had some patience, I could have saved myself a lot of needless angst.
ReplyDeleteIf you can go by Thursday or Friday, that would be perfect.
Good for you and as others said not wimpy, smart and sanity preserving. Good luck later this week!
ReplyDeleteNot that I know the tone of her words or anything, but the Denver nurse sounds great. Glad you're happy with this decision, and best of luck for when you do have that ultrasound.
ReplyDeleteYou and Will are the only ones who know what is right for you. Anxiety management is now in effect and whatever does it for you is exactly what you should do. There is so little you have control over so exert it when you can. Wishing there was something I could do to help ease you through these next few weeks.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the other people who have commented. An ultrasound today would not have changed the outcome of this pregnancy and waiting for clarity is a really good idea. I wish for you and Will all the strength in this world. I am hoping with all my being that #7 will be your take-home baby!
ReplyDeleteYou can only do what you can do when it's your right time to do it. Each person has to come to their own decision. I would not have been able to wait...I've been in that limbo too many times and the realist in me always takes over.
ReplyDeleteRecurrent loss plays a number, that is for sure, and it is unfair. For that, I am sorry. Your blood results look great and in the absence of any factual information to the contrary, all is well in there and embryo is doing what it needs to do. Whenever you decide to take a peek, you'll see that.
Enjoy this time. PUPO.
You are so not a wimp sweetie. The fact that you have had the courage to keep trying time and time again proves that you are amazingly courageous. You have to do what keeps you sane. And your numbers really do look awesome. Keeping you in my prayers Mo.
ReplyDeleteI don't see any harm in waiting for the US. Actually, seems like a good idea. It is what it is and having an unclear US would be too much. I do like that they are doing blood work that they can intervene if needed. Good luck
ReplyDeleteMo, I was so hoping to see your results today. I've commented a couple of times. I've had 5 losses and and am on my 3rd IVF. I'm just one day behind you, 6w2d today and did have my u/s today. I sobbed all the way to the office, got it together through the waiting room and resumed sobbing when the RE and nurse came in to do the u/s. Through my tears I was able to see one little heartbeat (we put three back.) I think you will see the same when you do your u/s and I'll keep faithfully checking back in on you. I hope you're feeling good and nauseus still!
ReplyDeleteoh Tracie! That is GREAT news!! Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteMo
Whatever you need to do to stay sane, sweetie!
ReplyDeleteIn Ireland we get our first ultrasound around twelve weeks, the pressure on you is enormous from an early stage. I am praying for you, I have followed you for a couple of years. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteKatie
I commend you for making choices to protect yourself as much as possible. So smart! You absolutely know best what you need to reduce unnecessary anxiety and ambiguity. Definitely not a wimp, in fact quite the contrary. You and Will are in my thoughts every day.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for standing up for your wants! I will be thinking about you and sending good wishes and prayers for when you do go and see that little heart beat :)
ReplyDeleteI think you made a very courageous decision because as you know the more time that passes the more definitive the ultrasound.
ReplyDeleteI totally get not wanting to go. Sometimes it's better to just believe everything is OK vs introduce some possibly misplaced doubt. Best of luck with your U/S later in the week!
ReplyDeleteGlad that you are taking care of yourself-- I feel sure that good things will be come later this week. Sending good wishes and holding lots of hope for you, Will and lucky #7!
ReplyDeleteIt so totally sucks when you can't relax and bask in a pregnancy because of past losses (been there myself) and I'm glad you were kind to yourself and took a break.
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely not a wimp! I think we waited a while also, just to be sure. I didn't want to be any more in limbo than I had to.
ReplyDeleteSo glad your beta is stellar - hope the ultrasound is too later on this week. I think you've found a good compromise by going later on in the week.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
You're not a wimp at all... I was offered an ultrasound at 6w4d when scheduling today and I asked for 7w1d instead for the exact same reason. If something is wrong, I want to be sure it's wrong. I want to keep whatever peace of mind I have for as long as possible.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
Keep living in bliss Mo. I've assumed you are pregnant and everything is just fine.
ReplyDeleteHi Mo....another long time lurker here. I just wanted to say that NO ONE can understand the fear/anxiety that those that have experienced the hard road of IF and M/C have when pregnant. You can't explain it and you sure has hell can't convey it to any others that haven't been there. It really bothers me when on blogs someone like your "Anon" makes comments to this.
ReplyDeleteFrom someone who has been there...the only advice I can give is take every day ONE DAY AT A TIME...Make it through today the only way that YOU can. You are going to worry. ALOT, but do what you can and let the rest go.
Sorry, that I am commenting as another "Anon". I am not linking my blog because of trying to be thoughtful to those still in the struggle. Hugs....just know that others are praying/wishing/hoping for you.
Nicki
I have always waited until about 7wks plus or minus a day for my first u/s. I've had four ivf pregnancies that reached that point- 2 of them successful. I totally understand your idea to wait. Makes sense to me! Your numbers are really great, I'm sooo hopeful and excited for you!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for taking care of yourself. You deserve a moment to exhale, and I'm glad you took it.
ReplyDelete