Hanging in there in the early early days of the two week wait. If I had to call odds for this cycle, I'm mostly thinking that it's going to be a no go, sometimes 100% convinced that it's already over. Is this based on anything rational? Not really, so please disregard my pessimism.
The fact that I know deep in my heart that Magpie's existence is such a miracle means that I feel that winning the lottery again seems to very unlikely. Add to that that the blasts didn't look as nice to me as they did at Magpie's transfer, and well...hard to feel hopeful here. Perhaps it's even greedy to wish for a second miracle. Although I realize it doesn't deprive anyone else of their turn, sometimes it feels selfish somehow to want for more when I already have so much with the presence of Ms. Magpie.
Fortunately, the outcome doesn't rely at all on how I feel about it!
It's surprising to me that this time I'm having a harder time staying in the "in between" and not knowing place of the 2 week wait. I would have thought that the stakes are so much lower now that we have Magpie, and in a sense, they are. I've got my miracle girl, and an additional child would just be amazing and bonus and more than I ever expected or dared to dream. It would be wonderful for us to have a second child and also a gift to her. She loves people, and she would adore having a sister or brother. I'd love for her to have an ally in life.
Upping the ante, however, is the fact that I turn 44 in a few months and that these are our final three blasts. This has raised the stakes for this cycle more than I ever expected it would. It feels so final. Either this will work and Magpie will have a sibling, or it won't and she'll be an only. There's always the chance that we could pursue a donor sibling, but I don't know that Will would be open to it still and we are well aware of the costs and potential pitfalls having walked down the donor egg path before.
In previous 2 week waits, I have found some pleasure in having some time to imagine the possibility of pregnancy without knowing yes or no. At least so far, I am not enjoying the not knowing. There's no pleasant imagining. It's the old familiar grind of all the meds and dietary restrictions, plus the challenging restriction of not being able to pick up Magpie (no lifting anything over 10 lbs.). And whenever I dare to hope, I tend to tell myself that I must be kidding. Have I seen my history? Crazy girl - this won't work for you! I have to remember though that my history includes Magpie. So it could work. Because in fact, once, in all of our attempts it did, and gloriously.
Still no symptoms really, other than fatigue, some mild shortness of breath, and yesterday some mild uterine cramping. I'm so aware this time that anything I'm feeling could so easily be the progesterone sending screwy signals to my body, that I don't trust anything.
That said, if any of the three blasts are still alive, implantation could occur any time now.
Wow. Oh my gosh. Any time now. For a moment maybe I can hold on to that wonderful possibility. Perhaps there is still life inside of me.
The hope is like a flicker, tenuous and hard to hold on to.
Mo
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The fact that I know deep in my heart that Magpie's existence is such a miracle means that I feel that winning the lottery again seems to very unlikely. Add to that that the blasts didn't look as nice to me as they did at Magpie's transfer, and well...hard to feel hopeful here. Perhaps it's even greedy to wish for a second miracle. Although I realize it doesn't deprive anyone else of their turn, sometimes it feels selfish somehow to want for more when I already have so much with the presence of Ms. Magpie.
Fortunately, the outcome doesn't rely at all on how I feel about it!
It's surprising to me that this time I'm having a harder time staying in the "in between" and not knowing place of the 2 week wait. I would have thought that the stakes are so much lower now that we have Magpie, and in a sense, they are. I've got my miracle girl, and an additional child would just be amazing and bonus and more than I ever expected or dared to dream. It would be wonderful for us to have a second child and also a gift to her. She loves people, and she would adore having a sister or brother. I'd love for her to have an ally in life.
Upping the ante, however, is the fact that I turn 44 in a few months and that these are our final three blasts. This has raised the stakes for this cycle more than I ever expected it would. It feels so final. Either this will work and Magpie will have a sibling, or it won't and she'll be an only. There's always the chance that we could pursue a donor sibling, but I don't know that Will would be open to it still and we are well aware of the costs and potential pitfalls having walked down the donor egg path before.
In previous 2 week waits, I have found some pleasure in having some time to imagine the possibility of pregnancy without knowing yes or no. At least so far, I am not enjoying the not knowing. There's no pleasant imagining. It's the old familiar grind of all the meds and dietary restrictions, plus the challenging restriction of not being able to pick up Magpie (no lifting anything over 10 lbs.). And whenever I dare to hope, I tend to tell myself that I must be kidding. Have I seen my history? Crazy girl - this won't work for you! I have to remember though that my history includes Magpie. So it could work. Because in fact, once, in all of our attempts it did, and gloriously.
Still no symptoms really, other than fatigue, some mild shortness of breath, and yesterday some mild uterine cramping. I'm so aware this time that anything I'm feeling could so easily be the progesterone sending screwy signals to my body, that I don't trust anything.
That said, if any of the three blasts are still alive, implantation could occur any time now.
Wow. Oh my gosh. Any time now. For a moment maybe I can hold on to that wonderful possibility. Perhaps there is still life inside of me.
The hope is like a flicker, tenuous and hard to hold on to.
Mo
Click here to subscribe
The two week wait is so hard! Do not try to rely on symptoms… because I did
ReplyDeletenot feel like it had worked and it did. I thought my embryo looked different than
my last transfer. I was worried about how it looked too, but it worked. I think
the lighting or something is different on the screen and makes it look different.
I think your 3BB looks very similar to mine. Look at my blog photo… they look very similar. I'm really hopeful for you! Hang in there!!
I have looked at your blast photo again and again, lindsay; you have no idea! and it has helped quell my fears a lot.
DeleteHolding you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMo!
ReplyDeleteI know its good to get all of these thoughts out of your brain, where I am sure they are ruminating around endlessly anyway...
but,
I wanted to point out to you one other thing, a "hidden silver lining",
you are on the cusp of 44, last 3 embryos, this is it...
it raises the stakes, yes indeed, but it also brings you to a final place of
*freedom* in regard to all of what you have journeyed thru thus far-
you have done everything you could have done- planned, created, tried, failed, tried again, researched, spent a ton of money and time, sacrificed, had your emotions run thru the grinder, and yes, you brought magpie into this world, and now this final FET, with no remaining embryos to fret over.
in a way, it is a cause of celebration, for the completion of this part of your life.
no matter what your beta says in a few short days, either way, you did it Mo!
you are a survivor not only of cancer, but of infertility treatments. you'll never have to do those things again. it is a heavy burden being taken off of your shoulders... a beautiful feeling, when you realize it and embrace that aspect...
as a fellow IF survivor, and as someone who has felt that burden of treatment taken away from me, who has walked free&easy away from the worries and stress of never knowing when I would be complete... I celebrate this with (or for) you, even if you can't or aren't ready to see this aspect.
I really hope that you will become pregnant again, mo... only time and biology and that magic spark will tell. but if you don't, you are a superb parent to magpie, and that is an amazing thing, all on its own!
now, having said all of that, if you don't become pregnant, and magpie will be a (fabulous) one and only, that is a huge thing to grieve... don't sell those feelings of loss short if it comes to be... sure, you have magpie, but if you didn't have that wish in your heart to have gone thru this last FET, none of this would matter at all, and I know it does to you...
I hope you get that wish fulfilled. and I hope I didn't write anything stupid or offensive! keeping you all in my thoughts, and thanks for the updates!
nothing offensive at all, thanks for your perspective, and for all of your thoughts. it helps. and yes...i can imagine when there will be a huge relief one day to know there are no more fertility treatments ahead of me. we are lucky, through and through.
DeleteIn my penultimate and final fet, I knew this was the end of the road. There's do much sadness associated with it for me, but a lot of it means the end of my "fertility". My unsuccessful fets meant that the bell curve starts moving down. Weird I know but closer to my eventual mortality. As if somehow the ability to possibly be pregnant means I'm still on the upswing? I'm 9 months passed my last failed fet and stil trying to process what this all means.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, the 2ww sucks! You planning to poas?
Really interesting - I hadn't linked my fertility to my mortality at all. I have a weird perspective on mortality anyway, as a cancer survivor. I already feel I am on borrowed time, or on bonus time somehow these past 15 years. I expect if I am able to truly get "old," I will have a different perspective on that than most. I still guess I don't imagine I'll live to the same age as others, not that I plan on exiting any time soon. Just that this life of mine is such a gift.
DeleteAnd yup, definitely plan to poas. Just have to figure out when it is reasonable to start!
Mo
I've been lurking your blog since I started my own awful path of recurrent loss and finally feel compelled to comment. Mostly just to say that I'm hoping and hoping for you b/c I hate that anyone has to go through this. As I sit here at 31 weeks pregnant with my 5th pregnancy, 0 live children (Dr. Mary Stephenson figured out my issue), still fearing every day that I don't get to bring this one home, it is such a long road and I don't envy your 2 week wait. Our good friends in their last IUI cycle before they were going to pull the plug, suddenly got a positive just a few weeks ago. I really want you can be the second amazing miracle story of late because I personally need these to maintain hope. (sorry. selfish!)
ReplyDeleteso happy to hear your news! Dying to know what issue Dr. Stephenson figured out, but whatever it was - yay! hope I can bring a successful story, even if I'm not feeling very optimistic.
DeleteFwiw (not much), when I was on bed rest after my second CCRM FET, I just felt it didn't work. Just a hunch. Yet it did, and I had a textbook pregnancy and birth (unlike with my first, drama filled from SCH to IUGR). I really hope this works for you and if not, that you find peace with your family.
ReplyDeleteHolding you, Will and Magpie up in love and light.
ReplyDeleteMo
ReplyDeleteyou are such an inspiration to so many and yet i know you just want this baby. here is fairy dust, happy juju, and all the good superstitions wrapped into one!! stick embies stick!!!
I am 3dp5dt fet today as well. In the last 18 months I have miscarried, had a stillborn, and an ectopic. These we transferred Friday are our last. I am pulling for you!!
ReplyDeleteIPG, I'm so sorry. What a year and a half you've had. I'll be sending hopes you get a positive from your transfer! let us know! sending you the best.
DeleteWhat trying times. I thought I felt implantation multiple times; two of those times actually coincided with pregnancies... and of course I also had pregnancies with no symptoms whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteI don't think having a child makes trying for another one any psychologically easier...if anything I think it makes you aware of what it REALLY is to parent, as opposed to an abstraction. I am so hoping for you and Will...
good point, gwinne. i hadn't thought of it that way, but you are right.
DeleteYou and Will and Magpie are in my thoughts. Sending you luck via the internet.
ReplyDeleteStay positive! Do some meditation to calm your mind and soul, it helps. Don't overnalyze because you just don't know and can't judge based on how the blasts look. You know that the looks are not the criteria for blastosis potential to make baby and you may end up with twins, you just never know until you know. Sending positive vibes your way and BFP in a few days! Thinking of you.....
ReplyDelete