Trying to read the tea leaves

Bear with me, folks. I realize this is tedious to anyone but me.

This morning, I used one of two precious remaining HPTs today, just to see where things are at.

And it's not looking very hopeful to me.

But not an obvious definitive no either.

Here's this morning's test.

It does not look discernibly darker to me than the last one.

If anything it looks perhaps lighter? But hard to tell.

Also for comparison, here's an hpt from failed pregnancy #6, at approximately the same dates. So THAT looks markedly different.

It's not over until it's over, but boy it's looking kind of over to me.

Mo

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Hanging out in pregnancy limbo, 7w2d

Welcome to pregnancy limbo. Where you're pregnant, maybe, sort of. I mean definitely pregnant, but probably not in any kind of lasting way.

Sigh.

Emotionally, I'm detached from the outcome at this point. I'm allowing myself to imagine the possibility that this could turn around, but I'm basically resigned to the idea that it almost certainly won't. Physically, I'm doing all the things to support the pregnancy: PIO daily, endometrin suppositories, estrogen suppositories, prenatals, prednisone, etc, which I guess is the most important part.

Interestingly, Will seems to still be very hopeful. I was packing up some of Magpie's baby toys to take to see my sister and her new baby, and Will said, "You know, it seems like we might be needing that stuff ourselves pretty soon." Which surprised me. Because all I'm thinking I'll need is a box of tissues to wipe my tears when we find out shortly this is over.

I called another clinic here locally that is more open about use of donor eggs (agency and in-house, egg banks, etc.) than our local NYC clinic. We have an appointment there on November 16. When I mentioned that I wanted to set that appointment up, Will advised we just do one thing at a time. But I know for me that if I wait until this gets called over, and then I can't get an appointment until January, and then everything will take 6-8 months or so to line up after that, I will not be a happy camper. So I went ahead and booked it. I don't even know if we'll want to go that route. Maybe we should just say we tried and it wasn't meant to be? We have Magpie after all, and maybe that's enough? Maybe using donor eggs after having our genetic child is trying too hard? (I wouldn't think that about anyone else). I know now that I would have no problem loving a donor egg child just the same as Magpie, or, you know, differently, since they will be their own selves but equally fiercely.

Magpie was struck down by her first preschool illness starting this weekend. She sounds croupy, has a painful throat, has had a fever of 103 (although it seemed lower last night). She has just been a poor little miserable girl. I took her to the pedi yesterday and she tested negative for strep, so that was a relief. So no school yesterday or today. Imagining she'll be well enough to return to school tomorrow. Hoping that she won't be sick on a weekly basis, but I'm guessing that more frequent illness will be part of the learning curve as she starts school. Prior to her illness, she was loving school and doing great with the separation thing. Hoping this brief absence won't set us back too far with her adjustment to the new routine.

I have two pee sticks left to get through to Monday with, so won't do any more home testing until later in the week. I fully expect the lines to be getting lighter by that point, but we will see.

So that's all from limbo-land. I hope you are all doing well.

Mo


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Yesterday's bloodwork results, 6w4d

Local RE's nurse just called with bloodwork results from yesterday.

Beta HCG = 3,451
Estrogen = 1,299
Progesterone = 70.2

So the beta is still increasing. I think rate of rise doesn't matter so much now that we've seen ultrasonic evidence of the pregnancy, and I know it slows after week 5, so I'm going to try not to worry too much that it isn't higher.

Of course, if it were much higher and we weren't seeing the embryo on ultrasound, that would be terrible, so maybe I think the beta is exactly where I'd like it to be. I dunno.

And the progesterone is wowza. I've been giving myself 1.5cc of PIO per day plus 3 endometrin suppositories, and seems that my body is really taking it up.

Who knows what all this means. The local nurse thinks the level being this high means that the pregnancy is starting to produce some of its own progesterone now, which would be a potentially good sign.

The Denver nurse thinks that the estrogen and progesterone being so high are good prognostic signs that "something is going on in there." And she says that she has seen other FET cases where things were measuring 5-7 days behind at this point and turned out ok.

I didn't ask how many times, but it's something.

Mo

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Rolls Royce ultrasound at 6w5d

We were fit in today for an early morning ultrasound with a higher definition machine. Thankfully.

The resolution was so much better.

The OB radiologist said he saw what he would expect to see with a sac this size. He clearly visualized a yolk sac, and said the gestational sac is measuring about a week behind, but that this doesn't trouble him significantly because frozen transfers can be behind (not sure they can be a week behind, but I wasn't going to quibble with him).

6w5d ultrasound of uncertain viability-
The little speck in the middle is the top of the yolk sac,
which was clearly visualized but not showing up so great in this picture.

Looking at the picture, it's hard to believe that there's a yolk sac there, but two radiologists and an ultrasonographer concurred that it was definitely there, and obvious to them across multiple images. This particular area of the hospital doesn't have the monitors set up for patients to see (no extra monitors, no printing capability). so this is just an iphone image one of the doctors took for me of one of the images.

The OB radiologist said not to come back this Tuesday - that it is too early to see much change. So I am scheduled to return a week from Monday, on October 5th.

It seems a lifetime from now, but if there's going to be cardiac activity, we should see it by that point.

I was thrilled that there was a yolk sac. I thought we weren't even going to make it to that stage. I don't know what to make of the fact that everything is measuring small. But it's premature to call this over yet, and so we will wait.

I woke up at dawn this morning feeling very detached from my life, like I was at a great distance looking at my family, career, the whole of my existence. It wasn't unpleasant, more peaceful to see things from a remove. That sense has passed as I've gotten whipped into the various tasks of the day, but it was an interesting experience.

Not sure how I'll survive the long wait until October 5th. And I'm not feeling very hopeful, if I'm being honest. But I do like that either way, we'll have a better sense of where things stand by that next ultrasound.

For now, more waiting, as I attempt to hang onto my sanity.

Mo

PS - anyone ever seen a pregnancy this far off course successfully turn around? I would welcome ANY positive stories at this point. Thanks.

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Maybe, part 2

The ultrasound was inconclusive.

The RE couldn't see an embryo. He looked for a long time, he kept thinking maybe, but he ultimately decided that no, wasn't seeing anything that was for certain. He said the sac looked "good," "fine," although again he didn't measure it.

6w4d ultrasound

It is such a shame that the equipment at his office is so crappy.

Bad equipment or not, I am having a really bad feeling about this. It looks an awful lot to me like FET#1, from the low initial beta to the small indeterminate sac. And you remember how that turned out.

I really don't pray and am not religious at all, but I had asked God back at the time of the transfer to please have mercy on us and if the outcome wasn't going to be good, to just please not string us along. My faulty logic makes me hope then that maybe it will work out? I asked so earnestly not to be in the awfulness of pregnancy limbo and then left in grief again. Or maybe we don't get to make requests of God like that.

We are scheduled to see someone in OB imaging, who has a Rolls Royce version of an ultrasound, on Tuesday. I will be 7 weeks, 2 days at that point. Not sure if no heartbeat then is game over or not, but I think there should be a heartbeat by then if there's going to be.

Will is trying to see if maybe I could get seen earlier, earlier as in tomorrow. If we still can't see anything, it's not a definitive no go at that point, but I think he's hoping I'll get good news and not have to be tortured all weekend. It's a nice thought.

I asked the RE what the odds are given what we're seeing (and not seeing), and whether he'd say things look ominous.

"Not yet," he said. "I'd say it's 50/50."

I guess I'll take it, and hope for the best.

Mo

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Maybe

27dp5dt - test line getting darker than the control

Six weeks, four days.

Ultrasound later today. Hoping to see the flicker of a heartbeat.

Scared.

Hopeful.

Seems like maybe, just maybe...

First off to preschool (sitting in the hallway today, rather than the classroom. Separating a little bit at a time!) and then RE appointment later.

We shall see.

Mo


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6w2d

I'm trying to stay sane waiting for Thursday's ultrasound. Almost don't want to get the Thursday ultrasound because I'm so worried it will be bad news. Or even worse, indeterminate news. Worried that my RE's crappy machine, plus me being potentially two days behind developmentally (the RE said he finds many FET pregnancies are), may mean we see no heart beat, and won't know what that means. And then of course my local RE leaves town the next day for over a week. Hopefully we'll see something definitive either way. Hopefully.

This morning I woke up and my belly felt flat, where I've been feeling very bloated. Had to choose not to pay attention to that. Choose not to overinterpret. In general, I'm trying hard to not attend to pregnancy "symptoms" or lack thereof. Unfortunately, nothing is very reassuring right now. It seems like everything can be attributed to the meds. I did a quick google search to remind myself that there is an enormous range of "symptoms" at this point, with no symptoms being quite common, and others reporting some. The fact that this is an FET versus a natural pregnancy mucks up the interpretation of any symptoms I think, since I'm on a boatload of drugs.

Yesterday, I think I forgot one or two doses of my estrogen vaginal pill (estrace, which I take 3 times a day). Yikes! Hoping that didn't doom anything. My estrogen has been around 1,100 to 1,200. So I'm hoping that even if I forgot those doses, it couldn't have crashed below 300 in that span of time. Any scientific types reading? I could use some reassurance about this. 

Last night I dreamt I was pregnant. Not the Mo and Will kind of pregnant I actually am, where loss seems imminent, but the kind of pregnant where you know you're going to have a child. I was making lists of names for the baby. All girls names. And then realized that maybe it's a boy. So made a list of boy's names. I think this is my first pregnancy dream this time around. Nice at least for a dream to have a feeling of confidence.

I peed on one more stick yesterday, just to try to tide myself over until later in the week. Yesterday's hpt is on the bottom, compared to one a few days prior to that. Who knows what the darkness of the lines means in terms of how things are progressing. 

No doubt about it, though, it does appear that I am still pregnant. 

Two more days to an ultrasound that will hopefully show cardiac activity. 

Oh, please! If we can only get there, that would feel like an enormous milestone.

Mo

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First day of preschool

Magpie's first day of preschool was today, and she did great!

It was a short day today - only an hour, and they broke up the class into two small groups so the kids could begin to warm up to the teachers and room and routine.

They had free play for 30 minutes, then hand washing and snack (teddy grahams), then story time (Goodnight Moon). 

It was fun to watch her take it all in. She loved her cubby, and the fish tank, and the playdough, and bead stringing. She hasn't yet noticed the super lifelike baby dolls with their own crib or the fully stocked kids kitchen yet. I think she will be thrilled when she does.

Her school has a very gradual separation process, so I was there the whole time in the classroom, sitting on the sidelines, quietly cheering her on. I'll be spending the rest of the week with her as well, possibly sitting in the hall later this week, sitting in a room in another location on the premises Friday and if she's doing well, leaving her for the first time next Monday.

What an amazing milestone - my little one is starting school! 

Can't believe the time has passed so quickly. Magpie is growing up before my eyes.

My attention was almost 100% on Magpie, but I was also aware at times that maybe, just maybe, Magpie's sibling is just now taking hold inside of me. Very hard to really entertain that thought for longer than a moment, but it is there. 

Mo

Excited and ready to walk out the door

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A digest of loss: the stories we tell ourselves

I'm sitting here today, exactly 6 weeks pregnant.

It is a great place to be. It is a terrifying place to be.

I'm on 20mg of prednisone, so I have moderate insomnia, giving lots of chances to think in the wee hours of the morning. And one of the things that I have thought about is our prior pregnancies and losses.

Here's the digest version:

1. IVF fresh transfer pregnancy: Loss at 8.5 weeks after seeing heartbeat. Turned out to be trisomy 21 and monosomy x.
2. Natural pregnancy: Loss at 7.5 weeks. No heartbeat. Dilated yolk sac and no fetal pole. Presumed chromosomal abnormality. Couldn't confirm, because lab erroneously discarded tissue from D&C without testing.
3. Natural pregnancy: Chemical pregnancy
4. IVF fresh transfer: Chemical pregnancy
5. Natural pregnancy: Loss at 9.5 weeks after seeing heartbeat. Turned out to be triploidy xxx.
6. FET #1 pregnancy: Loss at 7.5 weeks, no heartbeat found. Chromosomally normal boy.
7. FET #2: Magpie!
8. Natural pregnancy: Chemical pregnancy.
9. FET #3: In progress!

When I try to make sense of this history, it seems we've had a lot of chromosomal loss, and probably also implantation issues (four out of five IVFs at my first clinic ended in no pregnancy or a chemical, despite transfering up to 5 embryos at a time).

I'm at peace with all that. Mostly. It's water under the bridge.

The pregnancy loss that keeps me up at night is pregnancy #6, our chromosomally normal little boy. This one looks a lot numbers-wise like the pregnancy I am carrying now, which scares me. The numbers are distinctly different (most noticably the low start) than Magpie's numbers were.

But pregnancy #6 was also the first loss that we know was chromosomally normal. I know a lot more than chromosomes go into making a living baby. but it's hard not to wonder.

During that pregnancy, at just about this time, I had to fly internationally, lift heavy luggage over my head into the overhead, and then give a keynote talk to a ballroom full of academics (yikes). Just after arriving at the conference, I started cramping and spotting. And when I got home, a small subchorionic hemmorage was found, but no heartbeat.  In the back of my mind, I've always wondered if the lifting I had to do at the airport, and on the plane, doomed the pregnancy. One wouldn't think that would cause a miscarriage, but I was on lovenox, and well, who knows.

Mostly I've told myself that it doesn't matter; what ever happened happened. But now I found myself with this doppelganger pregnancy. Our last chance.

This time I've tried to be especially careful not to lift anything. I've been mostly successful, with the one exception being when Magpie fell off our bed this week while Will was away (we co-slept, since I can't lift her into her crib). I awoke to a giant crash onto the hardwood floor, following by Magpie's howling piercing the darkness. And before I even knew what I was doing, I'd run to Will's side of the bed and hoisted her into my arms. I was back over on my side of the bed comforting her before it even dawned on me. . . I'd lifted her, all 27ish pounds of her.

Probably ok, but ugh. I spent the next couple of hours staring at the ceiling, worrying about it.

I've been wanting to fly to see my sister and her brand new baby. But I'm scared to fly and handle my luggage at this delicate time in the pregnancy. Then I get annoyed at myself because the most likely outcome it seems to me is that this is going to result in another miscarriage (that's what typically happens for me, isn't it?), so I shouldn't have to suffer that loss and also miss out on being a support my sister.

Just wishing we could either find out this is over or get onto more solid pregnancy ground.

These early pregnancy days are not for the fainthearted.

Mo

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5w5d ultrasound

So it is not much to look at, but there is a sac. My local RE's machines aren't that good, and this is an iphone photo of the scan, but there it is, in all its glory - a gestational sac. In the uterus, so that's good (as opposed to a fallopian tube). 

The sac is too small (and equipment too poor) to see if there's a yolk sac or fetal pole, but there could be. 

Quote from the RE: "You're still in the game."

I told him the initial beta had been low and the initial doubling slow.  "I know," he said. "I've been watching."

We talked for awhile about that initial slow doubling and the low beta and prognosis. 

He said he has unpublished data that FET betas and embryo development typically lag two days behind fresh transfers. And that he was just talking with a colleague who's a beta expert that betas and their rise don't matter as much as everyone tends to think, and that the true threshold is probably around 50% rise, not 66% (and mine was 70%, so above both those thresholds).

So maybe this could be ok. 

I am not going to get my hopes up, but I'm not throwing in the towel either. 

We will see what next week's scan brings. With any luck, there will be the tiny flickering of a little heart. 

Hoping. With everything I have.

Mo

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Inside the mind of a habitual aborter at 20dp5dt

Welcome inside the mind of someone who has had seven losses, one wondrous daughter, and now finds herself amazingly, fortunately, luckily, pregnant again.

It's a tricky place.

I'm trying to balance in the place that all could be ok. Not to start to think it is ok and get my hopes way up, but not to fall into the chasm that it's hopeless and doomed either. Just stay the middle path.

The history of losses makes it hard. In particular, our first FET, with three chromosomally normal blasts, which looked remarkably similar to this pregnancy (low initial beta, good doubling), ended in disaster. That particular piece of history is hard not to gnaw on in my mind.

I remind myself that we're doing IVIG this time, and I've gone gluten free, and perhaps started the lovenox earlier (although I honestly can't remember), and I think I'm on a higher dose of prednisone this time, for whatever that's worth. I remind myself that that experience was that experience and this one is its own. That was those blastocysts. This time could be different. It all might be ok (might not too).

Thanks for your thoughts on the ultrasound. I had decided not to do it, then started to waffle a bit yesterday. After your comments, in particular Gwinne's about the vanishing twin, and anonymous at 1:32PM, reminding me that more information could possibly be helpful, I scheduled one for Friday (God help me). Of course, the other comments were persuasive too, but by then I'd scheduled it. We'll see if I actually go. I know there's no heartbeat to see at this stage, but I also know I (and the RE) will be looking at the ultrasound trying to read the tea leaves on things that are too tiny to see. Most specifically, is there a yolk sac? Is there a REAL yolk sac? (we've been told things were yolk sacs before that in hindsight seem a bit specious).

I took another giant leap of faith yesterday and scheduled a first prenatal appointment with my wonderful OB. Scheduled for Oct. 5. A lifetime from now, but really not so long. That would be amazing if we were still pregnant then...that would be the beginning of the eighth week. Hard to imagine, but I knew she'd be booked if I didn't get on the schedule now. Very scary to schedule that. But I did it.

See below, today's pee stick on the bottom. Nice and dark. There's definitely something going on!

It looks as good as it could, and is so reassuring, but guarantees nothing. (And of then of course if I look back at FET #1's stick around this day, it looks almost identical. Ugh!)

But I just keep reminding myself that it could be ok.

That these embryos either have what it takes or they don't.

That I've done and continue to do all that I know to do.

That this time, I know in a way I never did before that it could work out (Magpie is here after all).

My job now is to try to enjoy this part as much as possible. "Enjoy" seems rather the wrong word. Honor this time? That's closer. This pregnancy is a great privilege, and I feel that through my entire being.

For now, we are pregnant again, for the ninth time, hanging on for dear life. Who ever would have thought we'd even have a chance again?

Mo


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Sister news and IVIG and preschool, Oh my!

• My sister had her baby last week! A healthy baby boy. Very excited for her, and really looking forward to flying to see her next weekend and meeting my new nephew! It is so great that my sister was able to have him with no intervention. She had generously offered her eggs to us back before we were successful with conceiving Magpie and we had her evaluated by the Denver clinic. Unfortunately, several years ago at age 31, she had few follicles, and a shockingly low AMH of 0.19. She was counseled to try to have a baby immediately if she wanted children, but wasn't in the right space to do so until last year. Turns out, no intervention needed. She had one miscarriage and then naturally conceived her son! So that's just wonderful all around, and especially wonderful that she won't have to travel some of the awful roads we've been down to try to have a family.

• Magpie starts preschool next week! Well, actually we both do. According to the parent handbook, I'm expected to remain with her all week (the last day, I am allowed to be elsewhere in the building but still on the premises if she's doing well). She's going to the most normal little neighborhood preschool we could find in Manhattan. Play-based, developmentally focused. The whole idea is for her to have a nice, loving introduction to separation and school. So fingers crossed she has a good transition. Exciting things ahead for my little one. I think once she adjusts, she will love school.

• I underwent IVIG #2 last night. I had a nurse come to the house, and it went OK again. Not sure why these two treatments have gone so much easier than my treatments when I was pregnant with Magpie, but so far, aside from the time (it takes 4+ hours to get the infusion), the crazy expense, and feeling a little bit wonky, no sweat! Thank god, because I'm one of the trainers in a two-day training today and tomorrow. So super glad I'm not really sick. Hopefully this IVIG helps this little embryo stick around. Please?

• Will is away at a conference in Florida until Saturday, which is kinda stinky since I can't lift Magpie. Last night, since I was tethered to an IV pole for IVIG #2 until 1045PM, Magpie's caregiver put her to sleep in her crib. She awoke promptly at 645AM, so we lined her crib with stuffed animals and she read books to them (caregiver comes at 8AM). Was kinda cute. She seems to have accepted by now that Mama is just not able to pick her up, so she didn't get upset and we just hung out together in her room with her in the crib and me in the rocking chair. For the rest of the week until Will returns on Saturday, we will co-sleep, which will be pretty sweet, except for all the toddler elbows and feet and knees (how do all those body parts always end up in my face?!).

• I chose not to test with an HPT this morning, although I thought about it. I could go in Friday for an ultrasound to see if there's a gestational sac in the uterus, which is what my local clinic usually does this week. Not sure if I want to. Would you go? Or just wait? Figure that until there's a heartbeat to see, whatever we see won't make me feel truly reassured in any way. But what would you do? 

Mo

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17dp5dt beta results

Beta results are in early today!

Beta HCG = 714

Estrogen = 1,478

Progesterone = 21

Really happy with this! We are doubling faster than every two days now, every 1.7 days or every 41.56 hours from the prior level of 144 on Thursday.

Progesterone isn't great, but it's not critically low. I can get out around 3pm to pick up more and will find a bathroom to do an on the spot injection.

Oh, maybe maybe maybe this could turn out to be a viable pregnancy (oh please!). I feel so fortunate to have even the possibility of this chance.

Mo


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17dp5dt

I am waiting at my local clinic to get blood drawn to check hormone levels and to hopefully sneak in another beta hcg before IVIG #2, which is scheduled for tomorrow.

I'm feeling....all over the place. Hopeful, hopeless, accepting, frantic. It changes, depending on the moment.

I'm having a small meds crisis too. Ran completely out now of both kinds of progesterone (akk!), so hopefully can get an emergency delivery of PIO and the suppositories today. So on top of my usual fears are the fears that because I didn't stay on top of this better, I'm risking the pregnancy in that way. Sigh.

I did manage to stay distracted and busy all weekend (so busy I didn't notice my meds issue!) and I think that was a good short-term strategy. This whole early pregnancy business involves just a ton of not knowing and tolerating uncertainty. Pregnancy in general, but this part especially.

Here's this morning's HPT (Dora, note how carefully I have tried to avoid the word P-E-E, so that you can see my blog from work?!).

I think it looks ok. Darker, I think. Certainly not lighter. We will see what the numbers look like, hopefully later today (but please local clinic, not TOO much later! Hoping that progesterone AND beta look ok. Unusual for me to be worried on both fronts.)

Thank you all again for your thoughts and words during this early time. IVF vet or not, this part of the process is harrowing for me.

Mo

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15dpt5dt hpt reassurance

Yesterday felt fairly symptomless and by the end of the day I was fearing the pregnancy was over.

Sigh.

It is hard to hold on to good news for long. 

So this morning I allowed myself another HPT. 

It doesn't look dramatically darker than two days ago. But maybe it's a bit darker? This is also not first morning uring (FMU). I woke at 1:15AM and couldn't hold it any longer, so this is more middle of the night urine than anything (MOTNU).

The darker or not part is hard to tell, but the line certainly isn't gone. So that's something.

My goal this weekend is to think about this pregnancy as little as possible (ha!)

We'll see what next week brings. I will probably test again on Monday. Especially because right now, the plan is to get my second IVIG treatment on Tuesday afternoon. Definitely would rather skip the big expense and suffering if the pregnancy levels are not progressing.

God, I hope the pregnancy is progressing though. Hoping with everything I have.

Mo


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13dp5dt beta results

Wow - that took a long time! Results are finally in.

Beta HCG = 144

Progesterone = 36.4

Estrogen = 831

That's a 124% rise since Tuesday's test! Doubling every 41.27 hours!

We're still in the game! Things could maybe work out ok! I honestly can't believe it.

As soon as I got off the phone after hearing the results, I burst into tears. Tears of relief.

One step at a time. A few days at a time...

But no doubt about it, for today we are pregnant!

Mo

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13dp5dt pee stick and thoughts from beta hell

Heading back in this morning for another blood draw. I've just been staying in the now, not trying to call how this is going to go.

I've been giving Mapgie more cuddles and kisses than usual. Last night, I was kissing the nape of her little neck and just smelling her Magpie toddler smell and thinking, I am so lucky this girl is here, so lucky.

The past two days I've consoled myself by looking at egg donor profiles. Just to remind myself there are options should we decide to take them. Somehow that helps take the pressure off of now, off of the thought this is my last chance, which goes hand in hand with the scary unarticulated thought, and it is completely out of my control.

At the moment I'm at a place of acceptance. This could go either way, but I'm not overly optimistic, if that makes any sense. I feel at peace that things will be what they will be. We've rolled the dice and we'll see what the outcome is.

My symptoms have felt a little bit less. But in these early days I know that symptoms come and go no matter what. So the lessening hasn't been too much of a torture.

I stayed away from pee sticks yesterday, but since I'm heading in for a blood draw this morning, I thought perhaps this could help me to be prepared. The new result is on the bottom.

Looks darker, right? Here's hoping!

But who knows, really.

The blood work will be more telling (hopefully). Results could come back as early as 2pm.

I would love a more definitive answer either way, but maybe that's too much to ask?

Mo

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FET #3 11dp5dt beta results

It's been a long wait today...after the long wait over the weekend. Been trying to distract and not let my head go to dark places.

Results are in. I don't think they are good, but the Denver nurse was very positive about it.

Today's HCG came back at 64.3

That's a doubling time of 62 hours, or every 2 days and 14 hours, a 70.4% rise.

Estrogen is 1,103

Progesterone 13.0 (which means I'll be upping the PIO dose to 1.5cc starting tomorrow morning.

Denver nurse says they are happy with anything that is above a 66% rise, but I dunno.

I feel like I'm waiting for the end already, which is a bummer, since we're just at the beginning. Thursday's number will be critical to see what happens. She says sometimes the beta starts off like this and then just shoots up. I guess we'll pray that that's us.

But every time I've been in a beta situation like this, I've ended up with a miscarriage.

I would love to hear if any of you have positive stories to share.

I feel awful. Which is odd, since the nurse was so upbeat.

Sigh.

Mo

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FET #3 10dp5dt Decided not to wait

Remember how I said I would wait until Tuesday to pee on a stick again?

Well, I caved this morning. I was thinking my symptoms were diminishing, and I'm alone today with Magpie (Will has to work and our playdate plan fell through), and I told myself if I tested negative I could go do something super fun with her today, forget the 10 lb. lifting restriction and just pick her up in my arms and have the best day possible running around the city doing fun toddler stuff. (This of course overlooks the fact that I would be devastated, so carrying out said plan would be tough, but ahem, I forgot that part).

So around 6:30AM, I tested.

And....

Not sure if you can tell so well from this picture, but the line today is definitely darker.

Is it twice as dark? I dunno. But it's darker. It definitely hasn't disappeared, as I was fearing. Hopefully this represents a beta of around 70...

We'll see what tomorrow's beta brings but it looks to me like this very fledgling pregnancy still has a chance.

Happy Labor Day everybody!

Mo


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