Where did the time go?

I've been quiet a lot longer than I intended to be. And I hope I haven't worried anyone.

It's just been hard, so so hard over here. I've been kind of shut down around this whole infertility situation, honestly, because things just feel overwhelming in that department. Every time I think of our situation, I just feel hopeless and I want to go back to bed, avoid, and give up, which is such a change from the hard-driving person I've been around all of this for the past four years. We've been trying faithfully on our own every month, but well...I guess I must really be infertile (!) because this timed intercourse doesn't really seem to be doing the trick.

This Spring, we came close to trying another transfer into my body with our remaining frozen embryos. Because logically that seemed to make the most sense.

And then I did the math again:

7 IVFs

110 eggs retrieved

17 embryos transferred

6 pregnancies

0 living children

And I just sort of lost it. This enormous sense of NO! NO! I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN! came up in me. It seems likely that we know what the outcome will be. And it won't likely be a good one. I don't think I or Will or our marriage can take it. So we called it off.

We are still considering using the donated embryos that have been offered to us. We've found a couple of egg donors through agencies that we would be fairly happy with. And we've been talking to some folks about surrogacy of our frozen embryos. Adoption is not something that we're considering at this time.

But we haven't landed anywhere yet.

One relative said to me: What would you do if all the options were free? If you took money out of the equation? Good question, I thought (along with - easy for you to say!). But it got me thinking...

If money were no object, this varies, but today I would choose to use a gestational carrier for the remaining Mo and Will frozen five. Just to see...We've got 'em. We nearly killed ourselves to get them. And they are chromosomally normal so there should* be at least one kiddo in there.

*But of course that may not be true. That would be true for other people. For us, though, nobody knows what is going wrong.

So here we sit. But I at least wanted to pop up and say hi. I feel kind of sheepish for posting another post that I still don't know what direction to take, am still struggling, am still stuck. But I guess it's better than posting nothing? Hope so.

We're hoping to make a decision on what direction to take in the next month or two. Because time, it is a'ticking and we are beginning to feel strong enough to take another step. Stay tuned.

Mo

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