Friday, October 9, 2015

Crash landing

I saw my wonderful OB on Monday for what was supposed to have been my 8w1d first OB appointment but was instead a discussion on whether to medically terminate pregnancy #9 or have a D&C. She graciously offered to fit me in the following day for a D&C in the OR, and I opted for that. I don't know if getting the genetics on this pregnancy back will help me with healing and moving on, but I figured it cannot hurt. On the off chance this pregnancy was chromosomally aneuploid, that information would help. And if it is euploid again like loss #6, well... more complicated, but more information is more information, and I'm a big information seeker, even if that information is too late to help me. I think. To be honest, I'm not sure, but in case it could help me accept this better, I thought I'd rather know.

The procedure was uncomplicated and straightforward and I had no problems from the anesthesia, so that was good. Strangely I woke up from the procedure physically sick with a head cold that I hadn't had a single symptom of one hour prior, and I've been sick the remainder of the week, with Magpie sick and out of school today as well. It's a real cold, not psychosomatic, but pretty incredible it came on so suddenly and at that specific time.

So I've been at work, and have been somewhat crampy since Tuesday afternoon, and I have a head cold, and I'm dragging a bit and very sad. Some of the dragging is the cold, and I think some of it is that I'm tapering off of prednisone. And my hormones are crashing, so I've been having drenching night sweats as well, which is emotionally painful because it somehow simultaneously makes me think of my upcoming menopause and reminds me of the drenching night sweats I had after I gave birth to Magpie, both of which are hard to think about right now.

Speaking of Magpie, I've been hugging her extra tight and smelling her Magpie smell and rubbing noses with her and giving her butterfly kisses with my eyelashes against her eyelashes (no wonder the poor kid is sick). And she's thrilled I can pick her up ("The doctor says you can hold me again? Really? Oh!!") And it helps. It helps so much that she is here. I think I would be beside myself in grief otherwise, because that's what used to really flatten me, the fear that we would never have a child, never make it out the other side, that our problems were insurmountable. They still seem that way but she is here, and she is so real and present and wonderful and alive and herself. I am so grateful.

But despite that, do you want to know the honest truth? I'm not doing so great over here.

I'm also kicking myself a little while I'm down, questioning why I ever thought I could hold onto a pregnancy and what in the world was I thinking? I'm terminally infertile. How could I not know this? How could I get my hopes up again, even in the limited way I allowed myself to? But of course those thoughts are not helpful, and they are probably not even accurate, although it is hard to tell what is accurate these days.

So that is where things are at today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


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Monday, October 5, 2015

8w1d no heartbeat

As feared, today's ultrasound showed that this pregnancy is not viable. Sac had grown but was still on the smaller side,  yolk sac had not progressed, no fetal pole. Definitely no heartbeat.

I am waiting to meet with my OB to discuss.

I will call my local RE when his office staff arrives to see if I can get scheduled this week for a D&C.

Will and I are sad, but also really used to bad news at this point. The fact that this pregnancy never looked right from the beginning meant we've been tempering our hopes.

There were no tears, more a sense of sad resignation on both our parts.

A few of the thoughts swimming in my head include:

  • Nine pregnancies, one living child. Wow, we are really not good at reproducing. 
  • Magpie is a miracle. 
  • And the final thought, now what? No answer to that right now.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and support. They help.


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Saturday, October 3, 2015

Weekend away

I left Thursday to spend a long weekend out of state visiting my sister and helping her with her new baby boy.

I've been taking one of the overnight feedings to give this new family a break, and really enjoying getting to spend time with my new nephew and my sister and her husband. I thought it might be excruciating to be around my sister's baby, given our state of pregnancy limbo, but it's ok. I'm able to put my own situation out of my mind and focus on her and her new babe.

Spending time with them, though, it is remarkable to me how much easier he is to care for than Magpie was at this age, and it has been brought home to me how severe her feeding issues and my breastfeeding difficulties were. This little guy is three weeks old and a champ at the breast already. My sister is dealing with oversupply, which isn't entirely fun, but she can provide an entire feeding in 15 minutes, or pump several ounces in that amount of time on a regular (not hospital pump). I am impressed! Contrast that to me taking 40 minutes to pump with a Medela Symphony, and Magpie taking another 40 minutes to an hour to eat, and wow, I don't know how we did it. I'm so glad my sister has had an easier time of it. It's lovely to see her just getting to enjoy parenting, even this early on. She is so happy, which is just awesome.

Her new little guy is so cute, and it's adorable to see him and my sister together. It's also nice to feel like I know what I'm doing around a baby. I'm sending my sister and her husband out for a lunch alone today (their first time alone since giving birth). And I'll be making dinner for everyone tonight. It's nice to be here and to be useful.

In the meantime, I'm mostly trying not to think about my own limbo pregnancy. I was fearful on the flight here, as I was cramping quite a bit, and worried I was going to miscarry while on this visit with my sister, which would be awful on multiple levels. As soon as we landed, the cramping subsided and hasn't returned. There's been no spotting. So I'm not dwelling on it. We will see what we see on the ultrasound on Monday. I remain not very hopeful, but I'm certainly open to being proven wrong!


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Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Trying to read the tea leaves

Bear with me, folks. I realize this is tedious to anyone but me.

This morning, I used one of two precious remaining HPTs today, just to see where things are at.

And it's not looking very hopeful to me.

But not an obvious definitive no either.

Here's this morning's test.

It does not look discernibly darker to me than the last one.

If anything it looks perhaps lighter? But hard to tell.

Also for comparison, here's an hpt from failed pregnancy #6, at approximately the same dates. So THAT looks markedly different.

It's not over until it's over, but boy it's looking kind of over to me.


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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Hanging out in pregnancy limbo, 7w2d

Welcome to pregnancy limbo. Where you're pregnant, maybe, sort of. I mean definitely pregnant, but probably not in any kind of lasting way.


Emotionally, I'm detached from the outcome at this point. I'm allowing myself to imagine the possibility that this could turn around, but I'm basically resigned to the idea that it almost certainly won't. Physically, I'm doing all the things to support the pregnancy: PIO daily, endometrin suppositories, estrogen suppositories, prenatals, prednisone, etc, which I guess is the most important part.

Interestingly, Will seems to still be very hopeful. I was packing up some of Magpie's baby toys to take to see my sister and her new baby, and Will said, "You know, it seems like we might be needing that stuff ourselves pretty soon." Which surprised me. Because all I'm thinking I'll need is a box of tissues to wipe my tears when we find out shortly this is over.

I called another clinic here locally that is more open about use of donor eggs (agency and in-house, egg banks, etc.) than our local NYC clinic. We have an appointment there on November 16. When I mentioned that I wanted to set that appointment up, Will advised we just do one thing at a time. But I know for me that if I wait until this gets called over, and then I can't get an appointment until January, and then everything will take 6-8 months or so to line up after that, I will not be a happy camper. So I went ahead and booked it. I don't even know if we'll want to go that route. Maybe we should just say we tried and it wasn't meant to be? We have Magpie after all, and maybe that's enough? Maybe using donor eggs after having our genetic child is trying too hard? (I wouldn't think that about anyone else). I know now that I would have no problem loving a donor egg child just the same as Magpie, or, you know, differently, since they will be their own selves but equally fiercely.

Magpie was struck down by her first preschool illness starting this weekend. She sounds croupy, has a painful throat, has had a fever of 103 (although it seemed lower last night). She has just been a poor little miserable girl. I took her to the pedi yesterday and she tested negative for strep, so that was a relief. So no school yesterday or today. Imagining she'll be well enough to return to school tomorrow. Hoping that she won't be sick on a weekly basis, but I'm guessing that more frequent illness will be part of the learning curve as she starts school. Prior to her illness, she was loving school and doing great with the separation thing. Hoping this brief absence won't set us back too far with her adjustment to the new routine.

I have two pee sticks left to get through to Monday with, so won't do any more home testing until later in the week. I fully expect the lines to be getting lighter by that point, but we will see.

So that's all from limbo-land. I hope you are all doing well.


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