Found

I've been quiet this past month after receiving a couple of taunting comments from someone on this blog.

Apparently someone from my real life found this blog or someone from the blogosphere stumbled onto my identity, I'm not sure which. I've had real life folks find us before - and in the past this was always handled directly and honestly, with the person contacting me to let me know. I'll admit even in those cases, it felt weird to be found and to know that someone who knew me was reading.

But then I realized that that's the decision I've made as I've gone along - to make this blog real enough and personal enough that if you knew me well, knew our story, you'd recognize it in these pages (how many people in real life do YOU know who have had so many IVF failures and so many miscarriages and now are the proud parents of a tiny little girl?). So if you knew me, even without the photos of Magpie, you'd recognize the story because it's unusual enough. So be it. If I stripped out all the details to make it entirely anonymous, it wouldn't feel real or honest or emotionally true, and therefore, in my book, wouldn't have any point.

But now someone has found us and isn't being on the up and up. Instead they are leaving comments that are sort of....well, menacing. Sort of an "I know who you are!" kind of thing, and putting identifying information about us in the comments. They don't have all this information correct, but the intent is obvious. (They could have, for instance, emailed me at the email address on the blog and told me I had inadvertently posted clues to my identity, but instead they chose to post our identifying information where others might see it.) It's mean, really. Basically, it's a form of bullying.

I'm not sure what the point of this behavior is. Does this person want me to shut down the blog? Are they just plain hateful? Do they not understand that some of us work in professions where it is important that we maintain a sense of confidentiality and anonymity? I'm not sure.

But the sad result is that I haven't felt comfortable posting again. Five years and more than 500 posts, and in effect, I've been silenced. Maybe that was the intent of this person all along? I have no idea.

I'm trying to decide what to do about this space. One thing that would be useful to know as I mull over this is whether this blog has been helpful to you in any way in your own journeys. Did these words and our experience matter or assist you in any way through your own decisions, or your own pain and struggles?

Thanks for your thoughts and sorry for the silence.

Mo


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Sweet potatoes, where have you been all my life?!

Magpie's first venture into solids this weekend was a raging success. Six months old and ready to eat!

At first she wasn't so sure about it...

But very quickly, she decided sweet potatoes were delicious

And fun to spread everywhere in reach!

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What's in a name: On lifting the veil of anonymity

I haven't been sure how I wanted to handle Magpie's name on this blog. Would she always remain as Magpie? Would I reveal her real name? For a while, when she was a newborn, I felt that Magpie fit as her name. It's what we had called her in utero. And although she had made an exit from the womb, she was still a very new creature, a stranger to me really, and to call her Magpie here seemed appropriate.

But as she's grown, it doesn't feel as right anymore.

I'm already posting photos of Ms. Magpie, but not her name...would revealing her first name really expose her any more?

Many times, I have accidentally typed her real name into this blog and had to go back and erase it.

And it's made me wonder - what am I keeping her name secret for? Does she need to be protected in this way?

I know many here have commented that you wanted to know her real name, that you almost felt owed it after following our journey for so long. And I hear you. But my primary focus is of course what is best for my daughter.

Will and I have somewhat public personas due to our professional academic and clinical roles and therefore we will be remaining as Mo and Will. And funny enough those names have come to fit us.

I wanted to ask those of you who are parenting, those who have revealed their child's name or have used a pseudonym, how did you make that decision?

Mo

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6 months in the blink of an eye

I can't believe it, but last week Little Ms. Magpie turned six months old.

She's still a wee little girl, last officially weighing in at 12 pounds at her four month appointment. I know she's bigger now, but not sure how much bigger. She's wearing some 0-3 month clothes and a fair amount of 3-6 months clothes (although some of the brands are still way too big in that size, like Baby Gap). She wears size 2 diapers, but they are fairly big on her.

What is Magpie's personality like these days? Magpie is a pretty happy girl much of the time. She'll let you know when she's not, though. She is very determined and motivated. She works at a new skill over and over again until she has it nailed. And when there is a toy that she wants, she persists in her efforts to get it, not giving up easily. She seems to be very independent to me, not the little cuddler I was imagining she would be. She will let me hold her but doesn't curl against my body unless she is very sleepy, and mostly she seems to prefer to be on the go and exploring rather than hanging out for any length of time in mommy or daddy's arms. We are told by others that she has a great attention span for a baby really able to focus for a long time on a single thing (I haven't focused on that myself, so not sure).

Communication: Magpie is a pro at making "ssspppppttt" noises with her lips and loves to do this back and forth with others. She does some cooing but is not really babbling yet. She is very expressive and has a piercing shriek she enjoys practicing, just to hear herself, I think.

Moxie and Magpie: Magpie and Moxie are developing a very good friendship. Moxie brings her balls and stuffed animals over to Magpie and drops them near Magpie. And Magpie will bat at the ball or toy, the two of them "playing" for minutes at a time (well supervised, of course). Moxie will lay down beside Magpie and roll against her nuzzling her. Magpie is particularly enamored with Moxie's collar and tags these days, although she also likes to touch Moxie's ears and paws. And Moxie is very patient and tolerant of it all. 

Motor Skills: Magpie is a busy, busy girl. She has learned to crawl in the past week, and in just that time has gone from barely crawling to making it across the room at a rapid rate. She has also become a champion sitter upper. She can even get up off of her back into a sitting position (this little girl has abs of steel!). She loves to grab things and puts everything in her mouth. She mimics us chewing with her own mouth and watches intently (but no teeth yet, still a wonderful gummy smile!). She misses nothing, this girl! Once last week, she held herself in a standing position in her crib. Gah! No standing yet! I am not ready!

Bathtime: I just got Magpie a bath seat, which she likes a lot, but often tries to lean over in, making it unsafe. She has several plastic bath toys, that she loves. Her favorite baths are when mommy gets in too and she can sit between my legs and play with her toys. This can turn bathtime into a happy 20 minute activity, a nice relaxing bonding time at the end of the day when otherwise she might be cranky.

Napping: Magpie usually has three naps a day. The first is about 45 minutes to an hour at 9am, then another longer nap at 12 for 1-2 hours, then a final nap at 4pm-ish for another 45 minutes or so.

Sleeping: This is still fairly rough, and deserves its own post. Magpie goes to bed at 7-7:30. She often is awake around 11 and needs help finding her pacifier to settle back down again. she might be up again at 1am briefly and then eat (2-3 ounces) at 2am or 3am. She sleeps until 5:15 most days....maybe 6am if we're really lucky. Then she is up for the day. If only her parents were feeling like being up for the day at that time!

Eating: Magpie still is not a good eater. We struggle to get 30+ ounces of breast milk into her (four feedings of 7.5 ounces each, plus usually 2-3 ounces overnight). She is now using the Playtex Nurser bottle. Often she won't drink if you hold her (slightly heartbreaking for me) and does better if you feed her in her swing or in her crib while she watches her mobile. We used to swaddle her while she ate and this helped, but now it seems to frustrate her. Yesterday we introduced solid food to her - sweet potato mixed with breast milk. She loved it! So she will be having that each morning in addition to her regular milk intake. 

I can't believe she is here. That we are a complete family. I am so thrilled at her presence. So in love with her. As the days pass and she becomes more and more interactive, the connection grows. 

I think it is slowly sinking in: We are a family. We made it out the other side. She is finally here, and she is growing up right in front of me. How did we get so lucky?

Mo

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Days of grace: the worry edition

1. I tossed and turned in between caring for the little one last night, filled with angst. Strange sadness wafting over me that we didn't do a professional photo shoot when my little girl was a newborn, that although we've taken many photos and shot a good amount of video, none of it is "professional" quality. Already I feel that she is growing and changing, just as she should be, but that I haven't captured or savored each moment enough perhaps, despite how longed for each one has been, and now some moments are already gone. Strange nostalgic sadness and anxiety. I awoke and booked a photo shoot immediately in the hopes of getting her gummy smile commemorated before she sprouts her first tooth and this too is gone. She's growing and changing so fast!

2. Sleep strike: Ms. Magpie has not been interested in napping or sleeping long of late, instead wanting to twist herself around and look at everything (even in the dark) and grab at my clothes and my hands. How can one little girl have so much energy? How can she not be as tired as I am?

3. Now that I am back at work, I feel de-skilled more than ever with my daughter. I have paranoid thoughts that she doesn't know the difference between myself and her caregiver or that she prefers the caregiver. I worry that I will become a stranger to her. Not rational, I know. I want her to be deeply connected to the caregiver. Just mommy doubt, I think. Funny how sometimes I feel so incompetent around her, so incapable of knowing how to do the right thing and other times we fit together perfectly.

4. My daughter is a mover, as I have mentioned before. She is always twisting and arching her body. It is often a struggle to feed her as she prefers to whip her head from side to side to evade the nipple when she can. We've been told she has "high tone." I had her evaluated by a physical therapist who said that she is high toned and tense but that we don't need to intervene. This writhing, board-like, ever moving baby is not what I expected. I worry that she is uncomfortable or that I am doing something wrong. Or that there is something amiss (despite what we've been told) and I'm missing or delaying the opportunity to help her.

Mo

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