Monday, October 5, 2015

8w1d no heartbeat

As feared, today's ultrasound showed that this pregnancy is not viable. Sac had grown but was still on the smaller side,  yolk sac had not progressed, no fetal pole. Definitely no heartbeat.

I am waiting to meet with my OB to discuss.

I will call my local RE when his office staff arrives to see if I can get scheduled this week for a D&C.

Will and I are sad, but also really used to bad news at this point. The fact that this pregnancy never looked right from the beginning meant we've been tempering our hopes.

There were no tears, more a sense of sad resignation on both our parts.

A few of the thoughts swimming in my head include:

  • Nine pregnancies, one living child. Wow, we are really not good at reproducing. 
  • Magpie is a miracle. 
  • And the final thought, now what? No answer to that right now.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and support. They help.

Mo



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110 comments:

  1. Oh no! I am so, so sorry. I was hoping beyond measure that this pregnancy would be another miracle. Many hugs to you all.

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  2. Many many hugs going your way. It's never easy, even when the rational part of our mind is more than prepared to the ugly outcome. I wish I could do more than sending all my love and sympathy to you and your family.

    Hélène

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  3. Ah, Mo. I am so sorry.

    You do have backup plans, should you choose to pursue them. It's only the end of the road if you want it to be.

    Yes, that's one lucky blastocyst who turned into your lovely girl.

    Thinking of you and Will.

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  4. Sorry, sorry, sorry Mo. Thinking of you so much. Faye

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  5. Ugh, so sorry, that sucks. I was really hoping for you guys. I hope you get some closure, or some idea of the best way to move forward.

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  6. I've been "checking in" on you for the last few years and ever more frequently the last few weeks and months. My story is nothing like yours, but I've found myself coming over to the blog to root you on, hoping for good news, and sad to find this. Sending you and Will healing thoughts.

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  7. Damnit. I'm so sorry. Snuggle your sweet girl Mo. And as much as you were prepared for thIs news, allow yourself to grieve. My thoughts are with you.

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  8. Oh, Mo! I'm so sorry. Magpie is truly a miracle. And a delightful one. I hope you get lots of extra cuddles this week.

    As for "now what?" I'm glad you have that other RE appt scheduled. This is not the end. xoxo

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  9. I am so, so sorry! I have had this happen twice with no heart beat and it is sad. Praying for you and your family.

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  10. I'm so so sorry for you and Will and Magpie. There is no fairness here. And that fact that you're accustomed to heartbreak is heartbreaking to those of us reading and rooting you on from afar. I've been thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts as you heal and figure out what's next.

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  11. Was in your corner hoping for a second miracle for you. Hugs to you. No words but damn it!

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  12. Oh, I am so sorry. I had my fingers crossed for you. You are all in my thoughts.

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  13. Oh I am so so sorry.

    Yes, she is a miracle. I didn't have as many pregnancies but otherwise have a similar history. Now that there are living children sometimes it's hard to rember just how miraculous their existence is, considering our history and how gloomy our chances of ever having a child were.

    Again I am so sorry, and so sorry that this was so long and drawn out for you.

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  14. I am so sorry. Was certainly hoping for success this time. Thinking of you.

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  15. So very sorry to hear this news. I wish it had been different and I too am left wondering why ....

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  16. So so sorry to hear and I hope you get a chance for tears and grieving as a way to start the healing process. xx

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  17. Long time lurker - infrequent commenter. Very sad for you. I was hoping this would be another miracle for you. I've been checking in all morning. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

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  18. So utterly, incredibly sorry ... Abiding with you during this time *hugs*

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  19. Sending you the sincerest sympathy. Praying for your serenity.

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  20. I'm so sorry Mo. You continue to be in my thoughts.

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  21. I am so sorry Mo. Sympathy and wishes for peace as you process this all. Ugh...I too wish this was a different outcome for you guys.

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  22. Oh Mo, and Will -- I am so very sorry.

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  23. So so sorry to hear this, praying for your family.

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  24. Sending so much caring and support.
    Magpie is a miracle. I am so glad the three of you have each other.

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  25. Squeeze Magpie extra hard. I'm so sorry limbo ended this way. Not fair, but IF never is.

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  26. Mo I'm so terribly sorry. Sending you love and light.
    Melissa in Durham

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  27. Been lurking and hoping. My heart aches for you from hearing this news. I'm so sorry Mo.

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  28. First off-I am so very, very sorry! I'm sending you a huge hug from Georgia.

    Second....maybe consider no D and C and miscarry naturally. I regret my D and C and feel like it may make it harder to get pregnant for several months.

    Third....move to frozen donor eggs. Don't spend endless amounts of time pouring over profiles. Pick someone educated, in their early twenties with similar traits as you. That's it. Don't over think it.

    I promise you that you will not have one regret and will love that sweet baby as much as precious Magpie.

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  29. Oh mo. I am so sad for you. Sending you love. Hug that beautiful girl of yours. (Amy)

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  30. Oh! I'm so very very very sorry - I really was hoping that you were just being overly cautious and that the pregnancy was well.

    Magpie is indeed a miracle!

    Big hugs to you as you grieve, and then think of next steps.

    xxx

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  31. Mo, I'm really sorry to hear that! I was truly hopping for another miracle! It is not easy to go through losses time after time, over and over again. I personally had 8 fresh IVFs resulting in 4 pregnancies follow by 4 miscarriages, still no living child! With time we learn to keep our hopes low but it is still hard to processed and go through the emotions. Hug your little Magpie and I hope she give you some comfort in this hard time!!!

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    1. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I know how hard it is. thank you so much for your thoughts.

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  32. Heartbreaking!! Know that we were here rooting you on, and now are wrapping you tightly in a virtual hug. Grieve, sweet friend, and know that we all thinking of you.

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  33. Oh Mo, I'm sorry. Go lift Magpie to your heart's content and take good care of yourself (and Will).

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  34. I am so very fucking goddamned sorry. Thinking of you & your whole family.

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  35. Shit. I am sorry, Mo, For whatever that's worth. And I am always around to talk if you need a friendly voice.

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  36. I'm so very sorry. This sucks beyond words. It's just not fair that the universe strung you along for so long only to have this outcome. My heart is breaking for you and Will.

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  37. I have never posted but have lurked awhile. The reason is I went through the same exact thing two months ago almost down to every detail. I didn't post because I was truly holding out hope for you and didn't want to bring you down. However, my heart goes put to you and want you to know you are not alone. It's so hard to process and understand but I hope you find peace and closure to some extent.

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  38. I am so sorry, mo.
    for will too.

    well, feel the feelings. fully.
    this is a time of sorrow for you.

    take all the time you need, and then it will be a new day, again,
    and you will know what you need to do then.

    my thoughts are with you as you face the ending of this pregnancy.

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  39. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Sending healing thoughts and hope you can find peace in the path you choose to move forward.

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  40. Heartbreaking :( Brings back sad memories of my own.
    Hope you find your way

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  41. So sorry. Was really hoping for another miracle. My heart is heavy for you.

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  42. My thoughts are with you although they seem wholly inadequate at this time. I am devastated for you, Will and Magpie.

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  43. Oh Mo, I am so so sorry. This is such a horrible roller coaster, and I really wished this would be a second miracle for you. Thinking of you, Will and Magpie, and wishing you the very best, whatever road you decide to take next.

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  44. So very sorry Mo, there truly are no other words.

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  45. I've never commented before but I feel like this blog is the closest to where I am with my husband. I've "only" had three miscarriages, followed by three D&Cs because apparently my body doesn't know how to miscarry on its own. I'm from Finland and turning 30 in a month so our lives couldn't be more different but RPL is SO awful that it unites women of all ages and from different cultures. I was rooting for you because the fact that you've had Magpie gives me so much hope and I too have been dreaming of two children. Hearing that there is no heartbeat - several times in a row is the worst thing ever and I wish you all the best during this difficult time. I didn't shed one tear during my last ultrasound in May when the doctor confirmed the third miscarriage and in a way that made me even sadder: I was so used to having a dead fetus in my uterus that it didn't come as a shock anymore, it couldn't break me no more. Take the time to grieve this loss. Lots of virtual hugs from Finland.

    - Alana

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  46. First of all, that's the most perfect graphic! The broken heart is woven into the fabric of your lives, but it is not who you are. Life goes on, good things will happen for you. This lost little one, like the others, had a part to play in your life, if only to give you direction. You're stronger, you have purpose, you will find your way, and for sure, one day, that fabulous girl will give you some wonderful grandchildren.

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  47. So so sorry Mo. Thinking of you and hoping you can spend some extra time snuggling sweet Magpie. I was really hoping this would be another miracle.

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  48. Shit, I was so hoping for good news for you today. Thinking of all three of you and wishing you peace as you figure out what the next steps are. Hugs.

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  49. I'm sorry, I was hoping you would get a second miracle.

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  50. I am so sorry. My heart hurts for you.

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  51. I am so sad to read your news - however much you know bad news might be coming, it's still horrible when it does. Magpie is indeed a miracle - I have my own little 1 out of 7 miracle and he makes the sadness liveable with. I hope that the next bit is as bearable as possible.

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  52. I should have something amazing to say right now that could make this all better. But what I've come to learn over the years of dealing with my own infertility and that of my friends is there is no rhyme or reason. It isn't fair. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!!!

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  53. Been following you for a long time -- so very, very sorry to hear this -- you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  54. So very sorry hug that little miracle and thank you for sharing your journey with us, you have helped so many feel a little less alone.

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  55. I am abiding with you, will and Magpie on your loss, your lost dream. Enveloping you in loving energy <3 <3 <3

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  56. I'm really sorry to hear your news. Just wanted to let you know that there is hope. After one healthy genetic child and many losses, I'm now 8 weeks pregnant via my first frozen egg donor cycle at CCRM. The cycle was *so easy* compared to all we'd been through trying to use my tired, old eggs. I'm sure now is the time for grieving and regrouping, but I just wanted to share my tale of hope. Best wishes to you.

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  57. My heart aches for you, Will and Magpie. Precious Magpie is truly a miracle. I am so glad you have her. Thinking of you during this difficult time. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you take the next path. Hugs.

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  58. Dang it! I am so sorry. I hate this for you. This isn't fair, at all. Sending you hugs.

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  59. What shitty, awful luck, Mo. I'm so sorry for your loss (es).
    My thoughts are with you.

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  60. Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear this :(

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  61. I am so sorry. I have been cheering for you. Please know that you are in our thoughts.

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  62. I'm so sorry. I've been thinking of you and hoping for you. Big hugs for you, your family and your little miracle Magpie.

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  63. I'm so sorry, my heart aches for you all.

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  64. So sorry for your loss, sending prayers and strength. Hugs, Lynne

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  65. I am so sorry. IF absolutely sucks.

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  66. Mo and Will, I am so so sorry. I don't know what to say, except that my heart is breaking for you. It's just not fair.

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  67. I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

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  68. Oh, Mo and Will...my heart aches for you. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Many hugs.

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  69. I'm so sorry for your loss! I was really hoping this was going to stick around! :(

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  70. So very sorry. Again.

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  71. I'm sorry, the universe is being rather very bloody awful! Damnit! Sending a virtual hug.

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  72. I'm so sorry. I've followed your blog since before you had Magpie, and so hoped this time it would be another miracle. My thoughts are with you all. I didn't have D&C's with my 3 miscarriages, and when I asked the consultant if that was part of the problem he said I was lucky enough not to need them, and my body took care of it itself!!.. Should you decide to go down the donor egg route, have you heard that it has now been found that the carrying mother also passes on some of her DNA to the baby....via the amniotic fluid I think it said. So the baby can inherit some of her characteristics etc. Take care of yourself.

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  73. I am so sorry. Sending healing thoughts and hope for the future to you and Will.

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  74. Mo and Will, I just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry that you have to experience yet another loss. I'm no stranger to losses myself after 2 miscarriages and 9 chemical pregnancies, for a total of 11 losses. I cam across your blog when searching for things online about an inversion on chromosome 9 as that is what has recently been identified as a possible reason for our multiple losses and no live child yet. I then went back and read every post from the beginning over the past month. I was so excited to hear about the birth of Magpie and to watch her grow up through the words on the screen. We've all seen the dedication and perseverance that you both have demonstrated as you worked through your many setbacks and ultimately achieved your goal of parenthood. Knowing what I know about the two of you from your blog, I know that one way or another, you will find success in providing Magpie with a sibling if that is the true desire of your hearts. It doesn't help with the pain now, I'm sure, but I just wanted to let you know that I admire you both and that reading about how you have defeated all odds to create such a lovely little girl has helped to lift some of the despair and fear I am feeling as the date of my first appointment with the genetic counselor approaches (October 7th) to discuss what our prognosis is given my rather large inversion. So thank you for inspiring me, and I hope that your pain will be lifted soon and you will find ease in making decisions on the next steps to take.

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    1. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. if you can swing it financially and emotionally, CCS testing would let you select embryos without the inversion. Thinking of you, and sorry the road has been so rough for you so far.

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    2. Thanks for your reply. I wasn't trying to take the focus for myself...but more to say that even if our stories are not exactly the same, I do somewhat know what you're experiencing and empathize with you.

      My consultation with the Genetic Counselor yesterday was to go over possible testing options. It seems that they can only distinguish between embryos with fatal errors (deletions or duplications) and embryos that could live (which could be normals or ones with my inversion). I am hesitant to risk passing on my inversion because then I'd be setting my child up for a life of multiple miscarriages for a girl or the possibility of azoospermia for a boy. Both of those seem like pretty crummy gifts for a mother to give her child...so I'm trying to decide whether the risk of passing on my inversion is worth the possibility of having a child genetically related to me.

      But anyway, I hope that you are continuing to take life one day at a time as you grieve yet another loss, and that hugging little Magpie tightly helps to take away some of the sting so you can continue to feel the pain of loss lifting a little bit each day.

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    3. not at all taking the focus for yourself. that's surprising to me that they can't test for the inversion itself. just doing a quick google search it looks like you could do SNP analysis to identify embryos with the inversion. I know that clinics we talked to varied widely in the sophistication of what they could do, so if having a genetic child (without the inversion) is something important to you, I'd recommend calling some of the best places to see what they can do...RBA in atlanta, CCRM in Denver, and NYU are likely ahead of the pack in terms of what they offer. might be worth a phone call. anyway, thanks again for your comments, and for your thoughts. I appreciate it. and i wish you the best of luck, whatever direction you decide to head in.

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  75. I am so sorry. I was hoping against hope for you.

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  76. She really is a miracle child. I pray for healing for you, these wounds continue to hurt xx

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  77. My heart hurts for both of you - I was hoping so hard that this pregnancy was going to work out for you. I am so sorry and wish I could help ease the pain in your heart -

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  78. Sorry to hear the news. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do next. It is incredible to even think of what you have gone through, but you have seemed to do with with such grace. I'm so happy you have your daughter.

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  79. So sorry. I was really hoping for you xxxx

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  80. I am so very, very sorry. There is nothing else to say.

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  81. This just stinks! I'm so sorry. HUGS!!

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  82. No! My breath stopped for a second when I read the title. What an up and down intense few months to get to here. I'm so sorry. I thought you had a hopeful little fighter on your hands. My plan But was donor eggs and I am so happy I did it. But maybe you've already done that. Hugs.

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  83. So very sad. Loads of love to you all, take care.

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  84. I'm so incredibly sad for you. I'm so sorry.

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  85. I am so, so, so incredibly sorry to see the news. I am actually a long time reader...several years and have always admired your courage and strength. I am just so sorry that you are going through this. I am not sure that this is the time to share/offer info but will put it here for future reading in case helpful. We started trying at age 27 and made it to an REI by my 29th birthday. We did the IUIs and ultimately 7 rounds of ivf (all fresh as we never had left over embryos including cycling at Colorado) I always produced eggs and we had excellent rate of fertilization. However, embryo development sucked. The donor egg idea got tossed around when I was 30. After our last cycle with my eggs (#7) we were prepared to move on and shocked to find me pregnant - first time ever and on our own. We saw a heartbeat at 6 wks 5 days. I went back to the REI a week later and no heartbeat could be found at 7 wks 5 days. I had miscarried and ultimately required a D&C so we had the tissue tested since we never had an answer before (couldn't do CCS as we never had enough embryos left at day 5). It turns out I miscarried 46xy (a normal male karyotype). Alas, I was 32 at the time and we decided to move forward with donor egg. It was tough as my hormone levels were always appropriate and I always produced eggs. We were successful and have a beautiful child. Every day I look at her, I wonder why I ever hesitated to go this route. I have no doubt in my mind that for us personally, it was the best decision ever (and that is not to say it is the right choice for everyone). But, I always say that I would do all of it again (all of the failures, everything) if it meant we could get to our daughter, exactly as she is. I only wanted to share this with you in case you do decide to pursue other options.

    I am so sorry again that this is happening to you guys.

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    1. thank you for reading for all these years. and thank you so much for your thoughts on using a donor. they help a lot to read.

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  86. My heart is aching for you, Mo. So very sorry.

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  87. just checking in on you, mo...
    have you had surgery this week?

    thinking of you. still so sad that this attempt ended this way.
    I know I usual comment that you are strong, you are smart...
    which is the truth,
    but the fact is that the amount of effort that went into this recent attempt was incredible. even though you have BTDT with so much of this, it does not change the depth of disappointment that comes along with another loss.

    update when you can.

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  88. Sending you lots of virtual hugs from the other side of the world

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