Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Deciding: the process

First things first - I am astounded that so many of you are out there still reading this blog after all this time. I am so touched - and a bit shocked - to see your comments. So, thank you for sticking with us. I know it hasn't been a fun read for quite some time, if it ever was. It means a lot that you're still reading.

I promised to try to convey our decision making process....it's been a long one...but here goes....

In terms of trying to figure out where to go after our sixth loss, we've had many options on the table as you know: gestational carrier, donor egg, donor embryo, and sometimes adoption (although adoption has felt like a whole other enchilada with different stressors, rules, and uncertainties, and therefore not the choice for us right now).

The two options that we've been most closely contemplating at this point in time have been using donor egg vs. using a gestational carrier with our own frozen embryos. And deciding between them has been more difficult than I can articulate. I think a lot of it has been due to the fact that we - and our doctors - still don't know what is going wrong. Whether there is something terribly wrong with our embryos (even when they are chromosomally normal) or whether there is something terribly wrong with my body, making me unable to carry a child to term.

We've been round and round and round the different options. I've been researching them, trying each different choice on for size, trying to find the option that seems like the right one to begin with. Typically, my decision-making process involves gathering scads of data to figure out what makes sense rationally and then waiting for some intuitive process to occur to narrow it down from there and feel confident in my decision. Will is much easier than me about all these things. He doesn't question things like I do, doesn't exhaustively research. In fact, if he'd been in charge of this decision, it would have been made long ago, more impulsively, and probably would have been to transfer our embryos yet again into me and see what happened. Problem is, I couldn't do that again, not with our track record. And once Will thought about it a bit, he agreed that it probably wasn't really a very prudent plan.

So in choosing between using a gestational carrier or a donor egg, I tried to get a sense of what each entailed, what we'd be giving up with each choice and how hard that might be, what we'd potentially gain from each choice and how cool that would be, how expensive (my oh my) and uncertain (sigh) each choice would be. I spoke with a couple of friends, I read everything I could get my hands on, I made pro and con lists, I slept on it, I talked to a professional about it. Problem is, even after exhaustive research, neither a gestational carrier with our own embryos nor an egg donor with my body stood out as "feeling" exactly right.

We perused surrogacy forums and databases. We even signed on with a surrogacy agency and had them start looking for a carrier for us. We simultaneously contacted our current and former clinics and got some names of egg donor agencies and began a search across the U.S. at several egg donor agencies with the parameters we thought most important to us in selecting an egg donor.

We narrowed it down to two egg donors at two different agencies. And we began looking at gestational carrier profiles that were sent to us.

And although none of the gestational carrier profiles seemed to be the exact right fit, we figured we would most likely move forward with a gestational carrier because it seemed to make the most rational sense to use our own embryos first..... Meanwhile, Will was ready to move forward with anything. He told me he'd be happy with either egg donor. And as we looked at each gestational carrier profile, he said he'd be fine with each of those as well.  As is typical of Will, he was ready to choose any and every option.

And me? I was scared to commit to any option. I kept waiting for the "right" feeling to come.

(to be continued)

Mo


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22 comments:

  1. I am glad that you are close (?) to making a decision. There is no right or wrong in this case. It's what feels right for you.

    I wish you the best from now on. You certainly have been through a lot. {hugs}

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  2. Praying the "right" feeling comes soon for you. HUGS

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  3. So glad that you're close to moving forward however it happens. I think I'd be with you that using a gestational carrier seems to make sense logically, since whatever happens you have to make a decision about what to do with those embryos you've created. But I totally understand that that doesn't necessarily make it *feel* right.

    I also sympathise with your feelings about adoption. That's pretty much how I felt too.

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  4. Ack! No fair that you just stopped without giving more! Lol.

    I think I'd be the same when it came to a big decision like this. I'd want it to feel right too. Hoping the best for you!

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  5. Wow, such a tough decision. I hope you have come (or are coming) to a decision that feels right to you both.

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  6. What a tough choice. It sounds like you have some good donor/surrogate options. Praying for you.

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  7. Such a monumental decision making process with many permutations and possible outcomes.

    I am curious if one option you considered was gestational carrier with either donated embryos or donor egg made embryos. I get that, for the latter, the cost skyrockets but it seems that, given the outright cost of a GC and the unknown factor re: your embryos, that you might want to maximize your odds of success by using donor eggs.

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  8. Don't leave me hanging like that! Sometimes I try to tell myself I should just flip a coin. And then as the coin's flying through the air, somehow my gut tells me which option feels more right for me.
    I just wish you didn't have to make this kind of decision!

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  9. I think you are getting close...oh so close...to making that monumental decision. Keep at it...you are making great progress.

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  10. These are always such tough decisions to make. I'm looking forward to reading about which path you've decided to take, and what was the deciding factor. Whichever way it is, I hope you and Will find success very soon.

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  11. Thank you for sharing what I know is a very complicated process, Mo- it's the same at our house. I ruminate and agonize over the implications of every decision, and my beloved husband believes they will all be fine. Somewhere in the middle, we found a plan that was right for us- hoping that you did, too.

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  12. Of course, there's no reason (well, except the money thing) that you can't do both -- transfer the frozen embryos to a GC and, more or less simultaneously, also generate some fresh ones with a donor.

    But I'm sure you've found the path that's right for you.

    niobe

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  13. Whatever you chose will be the right decision. It it good that you are continuing to move forward. You have amazing strength. Wishing you all the best with this next step.

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  14. You have such strength to even be able to try anything again. I admire your tenacity. I also admire your ability to be able to stop and think about your next move instead of just jumping in and letting the chips fall where they may. In the end, something will feel right and I'm hoping that whatever it is will bring you to parenthood...you are so deserving.

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  15. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You are leaving us hanging! Please don't let it be another three months! Do you remember when Gettup Grrl was going through this? Her situation was a bit different, but damn I wish her stuff was still available to read.

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  16. Thinking of you as you make this impossible decision! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

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  17. Such a tough choice, I don't know what I'd do -or how I'd handle it. You are far more patient than me, I think I'd tend towards the Will method of jump-right-in. I'm eager to hear the rest! Don't make us wait too long :)

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  18. These are some serious decisions to make! I hope that one of those options feel "right" to you and you can move forward. I am so glad you updated your plan, I've been thinking about you and the next step you will take. Sending you the best of luck.

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  19. Thank you for being so open about your process-- it's a gift to those who are going through it. It's gut wrenching and I'm not sure if you can ever feel 100% that you've made the right choice, but I hope, wish and pray that you'll find a path forward that feels secure and you can be satisfied with. Sending lightness and hope to you and looking forward to the next installment.

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  20. Those are some seriously tough decisions - wow. From 50,000 feet it makes sense to me why you would start with the gestational carrier (not that it's a remotely clear or easy decision!) But 1) you have eggs on ice, 2) you haven't seemed to have problems getting pregnant, it's more staying pregnant, and 3) you have what appear to be chromosomally normal eggs at CCRM so while that's not a 100% guarantee it may lean in the direction of your eggs being ok but maybe not the uterus?? Wherever you end up, I hope it ends successfully. Will be thinking of you, and waiting for your next post!

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  21. This is such a tough decision and I know when we've been making similar ones I never get that 'ah ha' moment I want/expect. I think some sense of doubt will be there until one of them work; it comes with all the let down we've been through I think. Wishing you peace with whatever you decide :)

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  22. I always love your writing, Mo, even though your story is such a tough one. I hope you're finding your way to a smooth and wonderful part of it. Looking foward to learning more (ps I decide the way Kate does, above!).

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