1. I tossed and turned in between caring for the little one last night, filled with angst. Strange sadness wafting over me that we didn't do a professional photo shoot when my little girl was a newborn, that although we've taken many photos and shot a good amount of video, none of it is "professional" quality. Already I feel that she is growing and changing, just as she should be, but that I haven't captured or savored each moment enough perhaps, despite how longed for each one has been, and now some moments are already gone. Strange nostalgic sadness and anxiety. I awoke and booked a photo shoot immediately in the hopes of getting her gummy smile commemorated before she sprouts her first tooth and this too is gone. She's growing and changing so fast!
2. Sleep strike: Ms. Magpie has not been interested in napping or sleeping long of late, instead wanting to twist herself around and look at everything (even in the dark) and grab at my clothes and my hands. How can one little girl have so much energy? How can she not be as tired as I am?
3. Now that I am back at work, I feel de-skilled more than ever with my daughter. I have paranoid thoughts that she doesn't know the difference between myself and her caregiver or that she prefers the caregiver. I worry that I will become a stranger to her. Not rational, I know. I want her to be deeply connected to the caregiver. Just mommy doubt, I think. Funny how sometimes I feel so incompetent around her, so incapable of knowing how to do the right thing and other times we fit together perfectly.
4. My daughter is a mover, as I have mentioned before. She is always twisting and arching her body. It is often a struggle to feed her as she prefers to whip her head from side to side to evade the nipple when she can. We've been told she has "high tone." I had her evaluated by a physical therapist who said that she is high toned and tense but that we don't need to intervene. This writhing, board-like, ever moving baby is not what I expected. I worry that she is uncomfortable or that I am doing something wrong. Or that there is something amiss (despite what we've been told) and I'm missing or delaying the opportunity to help her.
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