Here is my beautiful girl at 8 months and change. She's growing up, moment by moment.
I am not entirely comfortable in this blog space but will try to keep posting. Thank you for your thoughts and comments on my previous post. They all helped and I am working to just tolerate the feeling of reduced safety that I have now. And also to be mindful of what I write, to realize that I have a wider audience than I imagined.
I have much to say, about parenting, about trying to balance life as an academic and clinician with being a mom, about what it is like to be here in the world of parenting and babies after being so long in the world of infertility and loss - so long there that I thought getting out of it was impossible.
Much to say on how deeply I desire to do right by this little girl, this oh-so-wanted little girl, and how I often feel completely de-skilled by her, disarmed, at a loss to possibly measure up to the ideals I have for myself ("If only I can get out the other side of these many losses, of this infertility, I will..."). Much to say on how each moment comes and goes so fast (how can this be true already?) that I want to hold on to each one, be mindful, be present - physically and emotionally. How already I sometimes glimpse the little girl emerging from the little baby I gave birth to. And much to say about those times when she looks up now and sees me and smiles, looks at me and her entire being lights up, and I feel so moved to be my best self for her, to be deserving of the trust and faith she has in me.