Tuesday, June 3, 2014

What if?


I've been finding myself at times lately wishing to be pregnant again. It's not even a wish exactly, more of a fantasy I engage in from time to time.

This morning I woke up early, around 4:30am, and felt some uterine tugging feelings. I noticed I felt a bit queasy too, highly unusual for me. I let my mind wander, imagining that I was in the early stages of the first trimester.

I thought back to my last period, but strangely, I was blanking on when it was exactly. Definitely more than two weeks ago. But was it three? Four weeks ago? Five even? I looked back through my calendar to try to jog my memory, but no dice.

In a strange way, I was almost enjoying lying there musing. Because of Magpie's miraculous existence, it was a somewhat pleasurable musing, not the painstaking longing I used to feel when I feared I would never be a mom. This morning I just found myself slightly smiling and wondering, What if?

I put my hand on my lower abdomen, and I thought that I could check with an hpt, but I don't really want to. Because if I were to check, I'm 99% certain I would find out that I am not pregnant, and the fantasy would be over. I'm 42.5 years old, and I had 110 eggs retrieved to get to the magical Ms. Magpie. And we've tried naturally every month around the right time since Magpie was about 6 weeks old. And well...Magpie is 19 months old...so well, I'm not exactly fecund over here, not that this is news. Plus there's the fact that I'm decidedly content with our family as it is. It is really nice, the three of us.

But I also loved being pregnant with Magpie, in the moments I wasn't absolutely petrified that something terrible was about to happen. It was a singular peak experience in my life. I would be pleased for Magpie to have a sibling to share the world with, and oh so curious to see who another new individual in our family would be, should one ever decide to turn up in our lives. Many of our mom friends with kids Magpie's age are pregnant now with number two, which is undoubtedly part of what has brought these thoughts to the fore.

We have three remaining frozen embryos in Colorado as well. All poor quality but chromosomally normal. It's been on my mind that we should start that process. "We're not getting any younger," Will said recently. Along with, "I don't think it will get any easier than it is now." So to move that process along would require Colorado's one day work up and then three months of the absolutely dreaded depot lupron. Plus potentially endometriosis laparoscopy again - when I had the lap in early 2009, I was stage 3. 2009 seems like a long time ago, lots of time for the endometriosis to flourish? But I actually don't know if they tend to repeat that surgery or not. I've talked myself out of starting the frozen embryo process many times. It seems like such a slog, with such low likelihood of success. But soon, I suppose. It's worth a single plane flight, the work up, and at least a conversation with Dr. Schl. about our chances.

In the meantime, I'll just enjoy my fantasy pregnancy. The one that doesn't require IVF or shots or anxious monitoring. The one that comes the way other people's pregnancies appear to - effortless, unexpected. So easy that it's hard to believe it's real.

Mo


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11 comments:

Heather said...

I think every mother once having experienced the wonder of pregnancy and the joy of having a child fantasizes from time to time about going through the process again. I had difficult pregnancies - could get pregnant with just a wink and a lustful glance but struggled with preterm labor from 25 weeks on. For us, medically and financially we couldn't expand our family past three kids and for the remaining time I was fertile I couldn't help but wonder and wish from time to time. Your determination to bring Magpie into the world was inspirational to witness and I know that it would take quite a bit of emotional energy to go through the process again. Hopefully knowing that it DID work once before has to encourage you that it could work again, despite the odds. Best wishes for your family!

Susan Jett said...

Thinking of you, and wishing for all good things, no matter what. Must see you & Magpie soon!!!

Valerie said...

"So easy that it's hard to believe it's real."

long time lurker.. but was this line to tell us something? hoping the fantasy is real :)

blessings to you and your family

Anonymous said...

mo,
I totally hear you...
I am 44 and sometimes I have fantasies about finding myself miraculously naturally pregnant, lol...

have you ever considered using a gestational carrier for your embryos instead of your own body?
no depot, no stress of pregnancy. an added cost, sure, but it may be something to consider if you have the financial ability to. this is something we just did last year (w/ccs normal embryos at ccrm) and it was a great experience for me.

Kristina said...

I know what you mean about wanting to enjoy the possibility longer, versus testing. My new motto is, "You never know." :) Sending good thoughts for you as you guys as you consider next steps.

A Few Good Eggs said...

Wouldn't that be a wonderful surprise? You never know...

S said...

Mo, if you want to be pregnant again, I hope you get to experience that.

I will say that it's not true that "every mother once having experienced the wonder of pregnancy and the joy of having a child fantasizes from time to time about going through the process again." I, for one, would NEVER wish to go through another pregnancy. I find the prospect of ever being pregnant again horrifying. But I am probably the exception.

Katerina said...

Fingers, toes and eyes crossed xx

Stacie said...

I know that feeling, too. Sending good thoughts your way.

Non Sequitur Chica said...

Supposedly endo comes back in 50% of women (according to my RE). It is possible that you are on the good side of that 50% and wouldn't need another surgery. Basically that is what I am hoping for myself!

justagirl-Krista said...

I seriously feel like I could have written this post. I think how amazing it would be to just get pregnant then bam...back to reality. I can barley get pregnant with all the help in the world. You should totally try with you 3 remaining embryos, why not.

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