Friday, May 1, 2015

Biopsy

Not a word I hoped ever to write again as a part of my current experience.

But Friday afternoon I had a biopsy. Actually two. On my right breast.

A week ago I  had my annual mammogram basically just to check it off the list of requirements for the Denver clinic in preparation for our future FET.

They did two mammo scans of the left breast. Two on the right. Then I went to sit in a back waiting room while the doctor looked at the films to be sure they were happy with them. The tech came out. More images were apparently needed on the right side. FIVE more images to be exact. Ugh. More imaging done. Then back to the chairs.

Then the radiologist came out and said that it all looked OK but they wanted to do an ultrasound on the right side anyway, because I'd reported some pain in that breast. So they did the ultrasound. I was actually calm up until that point, and even into the beginning of the scan. But as the sonographer was doing the scan, I could tell she was seeing something. I started to feel scared. I felt like I felt at age 27, when I was about to be diagnosed with lymphoma. I tried to talk myself out of how afraid I felt.

The radiologist came in and said that the ultrasound revealed two masses. "Don't worry," she said. "But these masses weren't there last year when you had your mammo and sonogram. We need to biopsy them just to be sure."

That was eight days ago. I've been trying not to think about it since then. It is what it is; why suffer in advance? If it's bad, I'll have plenty of time to freak out and re-collect myself. An adage I take from having cancer before.

So I successfully held off thinking about it much until today. And today I was busy supervising a trainee dealing with a patient's psychiatric emergency, so that took a lot of my attention. But when it came time for the biopsy, I was scared.

A different radiologist performed two core needle biopsies on my right breast: one mass at 1 o'clock and one at 6:30. Both of them were pretty deep inside the breast. The radiologist took 10 tissue samples in total. The procedures took awhile. It wasn't comfortable but not terrible either. One site bled. They said a hematoma was already forming as I laid there on the table (awesome). Now I just feel bruised and sore (The sites are bandaged so I can't tell anything about how they will look yet).

About halfway through the procedure I started shaking. I told the team I was cold, because I was in fact a little cold. But truly I think the shaking was my nerves. I have laid on too may tables and had too much bad news. Like there's some neural imprint of my past on me. After the biopsy they took three more images to visualize the titanium clips they'd placed in my breasts to mark the sites. Now that I'm at home in bed, my whole breast is achy and I've been wearing ice packs on it to numb it a bit and reduce swelling. The achiness makes it hard not to think about what might happen.

So now I wait. Results are expected back by Tuesday. I hate waiting for results. I hate imagining my tissue culturing in dishes in a lab, potentially yielding up negative information that could throw my life into a tailspin. I hate being afraid. I hate even the slight possibility that this could be cancer again.

Mo



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39 comments:

  1. Oh, Mo. Ugh. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I know the likelihood is reassuring news, and yet -- that doesn't make needing to be waiting for the news, or waiting for the news, any easier. That said, I hope you'll hear reassuring news soon.

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  2. Oh, Mo. Hope with all I've got. Much love to you.

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  3. Geesh. I went back and read about your previous cancer after your comment. I can't imagine going through this a second time! I sure hope it's negative. I do appreciate hearing about the process of the biopsy. Mine will be sometime next week. And I have another Internet friend who has one ok Tuesday. Weird coincidences in timing. I've been okay most of the time until appointments too, then I feel like I'm going to throw up! Hoping for a very distracting weekend to ease the wait. Hugs.

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    1. Will be thinking of you. Wishing that this turns out to be nothing but a bit scary for both of us!

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  4. No, no, no, no. That is all that was going through my brain as I was reading. I am so sorry you have to deal with this, and I am thinking only positive thoughts for you. (((Hugs))) and prayers coming your way.

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  5. Oh Mo you don't deserve this, no one does of course, but especially not you. Thinking of you and your sweet family. Xx

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  6. Ah, Mo. Im so sorry. Just thinking of you and wishing you well.

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  7. I am so sorry that you have to be going through this fear again - so not fair. I am thinking of you and your family and sending many healing/positive vibes to you.

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  8. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this - you've been through more than enough already. I'll be crossing everything that Tuesday brings good news. I've had various breast exams over the years, including a biopsy, as I seem to be "lumpy" and I can empathise with the fear you are feeling.

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    1. thank you. helps to hear from someone who's been there (and of course very much like to hear that it turned out to be nothing!).

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  9. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the best.

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  10. Oh Mo, holding you in my heart right now. I am so sorry you are going through this. We're all out here, holding your hand. Sending really good thoughts for Tuesday's results.

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  11. oh my gosh, my heart stopped when I read this. I'm praying and sending you good peaceful vibes as you await the (hopefully good) news!

    xxx

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  12. You're in my thoughts... Hoping for the best possible news. {{{hugs}}}

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  13. sending warm thoughts and harbouring much hope for good news coming your way.

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  14. Hugs, Mo. Sending prayers your way.

    Rose

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  15. Damn! Just seeing this. Hoping for the best possible news. xoxo

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  16. Oh, my gosh, exactly what you did NOT need! And those deep biopsies DO hurt, and bruise a lot as I recall. But isn't it a good sign that you noticed a painful place and got it checked? It seems like "they" say it is more likely to be a milk duct gone rogue, ifpainful, and the C word is more often painless? That's what I am hoping for you. We will be waiting for the GOOD news. Stay strong.

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    1. yes - trying to tell myself that the discomfort/pain was a good thing, that two lumps is better than one (in terms of hopefully more likely benign), that neither is in upper outer quadrant of breast where most breast cancers occur (altho when mentioned that to the radiologist doing the biopsy, she said, "Oh breast cancer can occur anywhere in the breast." so much for that.)

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  17. Oh, no. Thinking of you and hoping that all the news from here is good.

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  18. Wow. I don't even know what to say, Mo. Sending all possible positive vibes to you this weekend from Washington DC ...

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  19. Oh no, I am so sorry that you have to go through this, you have been through enough. Sending prayers and positive thought for good news. Lynne

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  20. Hope your discomfort eases and that you get a clean bill of health soon! This all sounds very difficult. You are handling it ao well! Hugs.

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  21. you're in my thoughts, mo!
    waiting on these results is terrible.
    please update when you feel like you can...

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  22. Mo, gawd dammit, the waiting IS the hardest part. I am sorry for this scare, sorry that you have likely been riddled with fear, if even off/on, and sorry for the wait.

    I can only hope that they come back negative for cancer and will hold you in thought.

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  23. So, so many prayers headed your way.

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  24. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

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  25. Wishing you peace and knowing that you will come through-- but hoping beyond all hope that it's benign and easily fixed. Take care of yourself and know that we're all rooting for you. I'm sending up strong prayers on your behalf. Abiding with you and Will (and Magpie, although I imagine that she's in the dark on this one). Sending love and light.

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  26. I am sick to hear this. Praying for something benign.

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  27. Sending many good thoughts your way.

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  28. Sending many good thoughts your way - Meena

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  29. Oh man that is SO tough, no wonder you were shaking given all you've been through. I am so very sorry. I will add my name to the many who are pulling for you!

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  30. Thinking of you.

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  31. Thinking of you, and updating compulsively, waiting for news...

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  32. Continuing to hold you up in prayer-- any news yet?

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  33. Thinking of you and praying that everything is OK and it's just a cyst or something. Sending bloggy love.

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  34. so sorry you had to go through this, glad things were fine, and glad i didn't see post until you'd already gotten the good news! somehow i also find that once i've actually had a biopsy and am awaiting results, the anxiety just spikes.

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