Friday, October 16, 2015

Where things stand today

I just wanted to say a quick hello. I'm not out the other side of this loss emotionally, but if I waited to post until that happened, it might be a long wait until my next post. I think that most of the physical aspects of the loss are behind me: the night sweats have ceased and I think the majority of the steroid tapering yuckiness* too. The sadness persists.

I don't know where we are going to go from here. Whether we will decide to just have our family be Magpie and us or make another attempt, this time using donor eggs. I've been tentatively exploring various donor egg scenarios (frozen, agency, clinic, etc.) to behaviorally try out how I feel about that. I know that I would be ok with a donor egg baby emotionally, and finding the exact "right" donor doesn't seem to matter quite so much as it used to (Magpie makes it so obvious that each child just is themselves, regardless of where the egg and sperm come from).

I think I mostly wish I could know that if we go the donor egg route that it will work (is it too much to want a guarantee?!), and that we could relatively quickly move forward with our family. I don't think I have a whole lot more stamina left for multiple attempts, and financially it's a significant strain on our resources as well.

I also don't know for sure how Will is feeling about the possibility of using donor eggs. I think he is open to it, but like me he is tired and worn down by the past years trying to conceive (8 years and 9 pregnancies. Gah). He's also a very interior person and so I know there is definitely a process going on inside of him, but I know enough to leave him be and not prod him to try to talk about the process too much too early, especially as right now I'm a bit all over the place, which he would find challenging to tolerate.

Poor Will has been down with an awful GI bug on top of everything else, so it is definitely not the right timing to discuss this on multiple levels. He knows I'm thinking about the donor route (and I'm guessing he is too, in his own way), and he knows I've made an appointment for us at a well regarded local clinic that has a fairly open policy about donor eggs. It's in mid-November and so we should have genetics back by that point, and I'm guessing I'll know how I feel by that time and that we will have been able to have a few conversations about it. I already know for certain I don't want to linger too long here in grief and indecision land, no matter what direction we are heading in.

I will try not to lapse into blog silence as I'm in this difficult place.

I greatly appreciate all of your thoughts and comments. So thank you.

Mo

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* "Yucky" is one of Magpie's current favorite words. I don't know where she learned it, but it's her go-to word to express that she is upset or doesn't want to do something. "That quesadilla is yucky" (I don't want to eat it). "Mommy, you are yucky!" (I'm asking her to do something unbearable, like put on her pajamas). Ah, to be almost 3.

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24 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are in this place of grief and indecision. Both are hard; together they can really just be devastating. On the indecision, there is no right answer, there is just a place where you land that feels more right, so hopefully you and Will can find your way there. Thinking of you both.

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  2. Just thinking of you and wishing words helped. Walking along with you, Mo.

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  3. When we were in the thick of IF (six failed IVFs--five fresh, one FET, never a beta above 8) we used to spend mountains of time trying to figure out what to do next. Duh. I used to say I was hedging my bets against future regrets. I could never know for sure if not having any kids would be ok in the long run because no one EVER knows what will be ok in the long run. We wound up with two absolutely wonderful kids via adoption and I can say that genetics don't matter from a mother-loving-her-kids perspective. They matter tremendously for all kinds of other reasons, namely for the child and knowing their genetic history and past so I will never ever minimize genetics. We definitely considered donor eggs but just couldn't risk the possibility of failure there, too. Your body has successfully carried a pregnancy (whereas mine never had) so it was easier for us to rule that out and move on to parenting a child that already existed. I hope that you guys can reach a place of peace, more than anything, because life is too short for the angst of IF. Dang IF, I hate you! Sending you strength Mo.

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  4. I'm so sorry for your sadness, infertility is so heartbreaking. You have been through so much, I was hoping this horrible journey of loss would be over for you.
    After 10 failed IVF cycles and seeing the strength other woman have had, we have gone the fresh donor cycle route. From our initial call to a clinic & receiving our first ever positive pregnancy test, was six months... It would have been sooner if we had used frozen eggs.
    We chose fresh over frozen eggs as we hope for more than one child and I also wanted a higher guarantee of success.
    Everyone's circumstances are different, I'm sure once you receive the test results this will give you some clarity on how to move forward.
    Wishing this wasn't so hard for you.

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  5. mo,
    I am not religious, but I always appreciated the sentiment of the biblical passage in ecclesiastes (3:1-8, googled this haha)
    ...about there being a season for everything, a time for everything.
    especially in places where we find ourselves regarding infertility and its endings, crossroads, and sorrow.

    I am so glad you managed an update... so many people care for you, no matter what lies ahead.

    much much love to you!

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  6. Mo, I have lots of feelings and thoughts about DE. For me, it was unquestionably the quickest, surest way to have another child. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk.

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    1. thank you, gwinne. i may reach out.

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  7. Thinking of you.
    Also, I hope you know you can always talk to me about donor egg stuff if you want. I promise to be totally honest about it with you, even about the less-than-perfect things. And then I'll make you look at photos of my big kid, who was worth every bit of everything we went through to get him here.
    But seriously, I'll be as plainly honest as I can.
    Ask me anything!

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  8. Wait -- you make Magpie put on pajamas?! How yucky ;)!

    Oh, Mo -- so hard. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this.

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  9. So sorry that you are in the doldrums. Although completely understandable reaction to a hard hard situation plus the attrition of all the years you've been doing this. We have two kids by donor sperm / donor eggs and had a great experience with it. I think there is no slam dunk but when it came to the options I was offered: DE or adoption I felt I had more control in a DE situation. We are in love with both our donors ( haven't met them and our DE clinic is way too secretive about it I think) just by virtue of who our kids are. They are just so great! Ppl always tell me the kids look like me - not that I really care about that - which is funny. If you have any questions or concerns pls send me a message:) happy to be supportive!

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  10. My thoughts are with you!! I am in the same exact boat!! One beautiful and so loved child and we did our last embryo transfer In July (PGS, CCS tested) and I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks 5days. I can tell you I am just starting to feel slightly normal again so hang in there. Your post rings so true to me, even regarding your comments about your husband. I find a lot of comfort reading your posts because it confirms we are not alone. Thank you for being so honest and open with your journey and emotions, you have touched so many people. I wish only the best for you and hope your journey ends in peace and happiness, whatever that result looks like.

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    1. geez, we sound like twins. so sorry for your loss. thank you so much for your thoughts. helpful to know that you too felt "off" for awhile.

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  11. I wish I had something better to say. I've been following you a long time and rooting for you to get everything you want and complete your family the way you want and miscarriages are crushing especially when you worked so hard for all those embryos. Take care and I hope you find something to light the way forward.

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    1. thanks for being around so long, nepsi. and thanks for your thoughts.

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  12. Yes, each child is force of nature in a way that is very removed from their genetics. Through my own journey, I have always tried to remember this point: the child you get is the child you were meant to have. It is absolutely understandable to want a guarantee, especially given your history. While sadly, nobody can offer you one, I do agree with your take that your eggs have a cytoplasm (maybe mitochondrial?) issue, so going to donor egg definitely changes the scene. Right now, just rest and regroup, but if you go this route, I do hope you find a donor whose eggs have produced an uneventful pregnancy, so you at least know that they are "validated." Hug Magpie extra tight, and heal. Thinking of you.

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  13. Mo I am so sorry. Thinking about you all the time. I have had cancer twice (hodgkins like you) and I think infertility and loss is harder to deal with on so many levels. Sending you all the love and healing in the world. Long time reader- Amy

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    1. Amy - sorry to hear that you've traveled down the infertility and lymphoma roads here. thanks for reading. and especially thanks for commenting.

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  14. I so wish donor eggs were guaranteed to work, but they are a real game changer. Not sure if I can help in terms of deciding abut going forward with it, as it was not a difficult choice for me. But I can probably help with the whole talking about donor conception with a donor conceived child thing. Much love. xoxo

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  15. Mo, I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are getting plenty of snuggles from Miss Magpie.

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  16. I just found your blog, but spent the last couple of days straight following your entire journey, only to arrive at this post. I'm just so so sorry to hear about this latest loss.

    I'm also in NYC and just beginning a solo journey down the IVF route. Despite the tragedies you have encountered, there is so much in your story that gives me hope. You are an amazingly resilient woman, and you and Will appear to be an incredible couple. Your daughter is an inspiration and I am so so very glad that she brings you so much joy.

    I understand your grief at this moment, but also wanted to say thank you for taking the time to share your story, especially in such a difficult time. I deeply hope the future will hold better luck for you!

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