Thank you for all of your thoughts on deciding between career paths while living with the unknown of whether we will ever be parents. I still don't have any answers but your words of wisdom motivated me to write and submit a grant this week that would fund a research fellowship, should I decide to go that route. So thank you. Very very much. Now if I could just access that inner intuitive voice that would help me know which direction to take, I'd be all set! When I tune in to my deepest desires, all I hear is I want a baby! Which is obscuring everything else. I will keep trying to gain clarity, but at least with this grant I'm leaving the door open for either path for a while longer.
I had to come in to the hospital today to see an inpatient on the same floor as the IVF suite. As I was leaving, a woman and her husband and child got on the elevator. She was carrying a photo of two beautiful blastocysts, which I knew had just been transferred (transfers occur in the late afternoon) inside of her. Seeing her, and the photo, I felt such yearning inside. Being at the point of transfer (of blastocysts!) feels pretty distant from where I'm at right now. I felt sad, and so far from having a child. Then as I stood in the elevator with this family I remembered how Will and I had gone out with a bunch of my school friends to an improv comedy show last night. It was great to socialize, to access the lighter side of things, to remember to keep living and laughing through all this. By the time the doors opened on the first floor, I was able to brush myself off and move forward with the rest of the day.
On another topic, I'm on cycle day 33 with no period in sight. Usually I'm every 28 days like clockwork. Now, I don't have a biology background, but since I didn't ovulate this month, I'm thinking there was no corpus luteum and therefore no progesterone...does this mean no period? Do I have to wait a whole extra month hoping that I ovulate this month? The idea of losing yet another month (or maybe more...what if I don't ovulate again?!) makes my anxiety skyrocket. Does anybody know how this works?
Update: After reading your helpful comments on where to go from here, I called my RE to see how to proceed (always feel like I'm bothering him, but your comments made it seem reasonable to check in). And am now scheduled for an ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow AM. Will keep you posted.
At least I am the smiling sun
5 days ago