Saturday, June 6, 2009

Not much to say

We haven't been posting much, but we are still here. Planning vacations, struggling to comprehend another loss.
Not sure about Will, but I at least am in a strange place. I wouldn't even say I'm mourning this latest loss exactly (at least not in the way that I fiercely mourned the last three). I haven't cried once. I just feel depleted and unsure which direction to go in from here. I haven't been able to bring myself to schedule the follow up appointment with our RE because I can't imagine him having anything to say either. What do you say after all we have been through? Maybe I don't want to hear his continued optimism that we're going to get there if we just keep going. When I look at our results so far, his hopefulness seems almost delusional. How many cycles are we supposed to endure? What makes sense at this juncture? At what point does determination become a ridiculous obsession?
In the event this cycle were negative, we had planned to go to Colorado for their one-day work up. This trip was postponed because I was waiting to miscarry the day the appointment was scheduled for. The miscarriage is now almost complete, but I'm currently unsure if it still makes sense to go out there or not. Could the Colorado folks really have something that is so much better/different than the clinic we are already at? It is so much more expensive and will involve a significant life disruption. Given these realities, it is hard to agree to it when it seems so unlikely that the number 1 clinic in the U.S. (Colorado) will be so very different from our (number 2) clinic.
So that is it. Not much wisdom here of late, just lots of questions of when is enough enough. I am very tired and feeling a bit beaten down by the process, but at the same time, I still can't accept that maybe we aren't going to have children who are related to me/us.
While I wait, I have been just laying low, hoping that some clarity will develop on how and when to proceed.
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  1. Sitting with you today, Mo. In a very similar place.

  2. It's like watching one of those movies where there is an extensively long fight between the characters...and the good guy keeps getting beaten down to the ground by the bad guy...yet every time stands up to come back for more.

    On one hand, you're thinking 'if you just give up and stay on the ground, you won't be beaten anymore.'

    But at the same time you're cheering the little guy on with all your might, hoping he'll get a second wave of energy to finally defeat the enemy.

    I'm not in the exact same place as you, I know. But still, I'll hang out here on the ground with you for a little bit, keeping you company.

  3. It's a crappy, crappy place to be. I've often wondered/thought how much more I could have/would have put myself through if this pregnancy had resulted in an early loss. I think I, personally, would have been done. I honestly didn't know how broken I was by the recurrent losses until now. It's tainted everything about me. On one hand ...I understand the grief over no genetic connection. On the other? I love your neurotransmitter connection to a donor embryo. And I can't imagine anything more healing than a wiggling being inside. Similar genes or not. Whatever your decision...we'll be here sitting with you.

  4. This is a terrible place for you to be and I'm so very sorry. I know I'm biased because of what they've done for us, but perhaps Colorado would open up new avenues for you, too. You're right about the major life disruption and cost - we spent a total of 5 weeks over there in 7 or 8 months and it was hard for both of us. We tried to look at the big picture and that made it a bit easier. I'm sending you a huge virtual hug and hope that the path gradually becomes clearer in the days and weeks to come. xxx

  5. Oh Mo, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, all the grieving and all the questioning all over again. I know how you feel, and all the stupid, unanswerable questions that make this limbo-time so much harder than everything else about this process, for me anyway.

    Thinking of you, wishing you and Will the best - and by that I mean peace, happiness even in the midst of sorrow and grief, and finally, a path out of this dark place that feels right to you both. Take care.

  6. Sounds like the thing to do is just rest when you feel beaten down. This is all so haaaarrd and a very difficult place.

    I didn't know what I was going to do after our FET failed for awhile. I'm still unsure, and I think I'm moving forward with another IVF, but it will depend on what my Day 3 results are. I'm not going to spend a lot of cash in a sinking ship. But if anyone is going to get me pregnant, it's going to be the same clinic you are considering. I do know that DE are not an option for DH and I.

    I think the biggest decision you should have right now is figuring out what you plan to do on your vacation!!

  7. As much as all this sucks, the fact that the doctor still has hope is a GOOD thing. Take it from someone who has been told basically to give up on using my own eggs.

  8. As someone who did 4 IVFs before quitting (and then getting pg. with no treatment a year later), I have to say that after #4, we both just "knew" that was enough ... at least for now. It was like, "That's it. We're done." I think most people agree. You just know.

  9. I am feeling this today as well. My miscarriage has been a very painful experience, both emotionally and physically. I don't think IVF is good for my endo. I'm not sure how much I can take. We already decided when we would call the # of tries we take, but, that was before I realized the toll on my disease this would take.

    I hope that clarity will come to you. This "place" sucks, for real.

  10. Mo and Will, I don't really have any insights, but wanted to let you know that I completely understand your worries. I feel like the number of tragedies that have befallen us is becoming quite ridiculous and almost unbelievable. I constantly wonder if our drive and determination to have a biological baby is part of some insane obsession. Oh how I've wanted to give up so many times, but here I am going into IVF #5. I trip and fall on my face and I somehow manage to get myself back up again. I wish things were easier for both of us. I will walk with you in whatever direction you decide take. Sending many hugs to you!

  11. Oh girl, I am so very sorry. I say, gather yourself and go to Colorado!!! This isn't over. Your baby is our there and you will carry it full term. I just know it. Maybe you need a second opinion! Good luck honey. Thinking of you always.


  12. I debated on commenting..but then realized that I truly understand what loss is like. My first miscarriage was definately harder than my 3rd. It's like we don't allow ourselves to get attached so when something bad happens it won't hurt so much. I am sorry that you have to deal with this over and over. It's just not fair. There is nothing I can say or do...if there was I would have done it a long time ago. Although I'm in a much different place now, please know that I'm walking with you and holding your hand. =(

  13. I could have written this post myself. Out intention was to go to Colorado if this cycle didn't work out, and now I just wonder if there is anything they can do. I wish there was an easy answer for us all.

  14. I wish I knew what to say, but I want you to know I'm thinking of you. Wherever you are with this on any particular day or moment, I'm here for you. Big hug.

  15. Oh Mo...I wish I could take this pain away from you & Will right now. I wish you peace & wisdom & healing as you decide what the next step of your journey needs to be.
    My opinion, if you need to turn over every stone, then CCRM is probably what you need to do. For me, CGH/microarray would be a must do/must know before I could move on. That is me, that may not be where your head & heart are right now. Only you can know...
    My thoughts and prayers are with you during this dark time. HUGS

  16. Nothing to say that will make it better - I wish I did. Sometimes time can bring clarity. The Colorado clinic will be there - waiting for you when you are ready. My heartfelt prayers for clarity amidst your struggle.

  17. I'm really so very sorry this has happened. I know how devastating it is.

    We went to California in April, and although it was a ways after the miscarriage, it was healing in many ways. It freshened things up somehow, and we talked and had fun and remembered life without infertility treatments. So yes, a trip is a great idea.

    My heart goes out to you.

  18. Is there anyway you could do a phone consult before going all the way to CCRM? (Forgive me if you already have and I forgot.)

    Thinking of you. ((HUGS))

  19. I am truly impressed at both of your strength, and determination to move forward. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best for both of you no matter what direction this next cycle takes you (westward or not).

  20. I am a doctor and am very interesting in e-learning to try to help infertile couples learn more about their treatment options.

    I'd like to ask you for a favour.

    We have published a free e-learning course to help infertile couples to learn about IVF at

    Can you please critique this for me ?

    Thanks !

    Dr Aniruddha Malpani, MD
    Malpani Infertility Clinic, Jamuna Sagar, SBS Road, Colaba
    Bombay 400 005. India
    Tel: 91-22-22151065, 22151066, 2218 3270
    FAX ( India) 91-22-22150223.
    Helping couples build families !

    PS Read our book, How to Have a Baby - A Guide for the Infertile Couple,
    online at !

    Read my blog about improving the doctor-patient
    relationship at

  21. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing right now...stepping back, breathing, looking at your options. You should stay there as long as you need to...I know you two will figure out the right next steps for you when you're ready. In the meantime, we're all here wishing you peace and strength.

  22. I am sorry.

    Maybe you can take a break from IVF, and figure out the best thing to do for both of you.

    Take care.

  23. Thinking of you and hoping time will bring you peace and clarity. I know how much this sucks! ((HUGS))

  24. I know this pain, this awful limbo state of what to do. We went to CCRM and even that didn't help...but I think they can definitely help out some couples with specific issues. Here is one thing I do know: our failure at CCRM was last November 08. Since then we took a nice long break (of course still TTC naturally, ha ha ha). It has been healing for us both. In many more ways than I can articulate. It's not that we haven't had days of intense pain and loss and grief, and believe me, we're not giving up either, but taking the break was needed.

    Just thinking of you.

    PS My blog is going private, send me an email if you want access.

  25. I wish I had somehting grand and non reductive to say, but I don't. You are in my thoughts.

  26. Thinking of you and wishing on you some sort of clarity.

    Your CCRM post a while back is one of the reasons I decided to go ahead with my consult there, I don't want to wish I had checked it out.

    And I wonder too, when is enough enough, and how to best balance regrets. This sucks ass truly, since ideally? There would be no regrets, there'd be a dang baby.

    Wishing you whatever you need-- time, information, epiphany, chocolate cake.

  27. I'm so sorry. This just sucks. Not knowing where to turn for hope is the worst thing in the world. Struggling against such far odds is the worst thing in the world. I hope you find a path soon.

  28. I hope you find the clarity you're looking for very soon. I'm sorry you've had so much pain and loss to deal with.


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