Thursday, December 15, 2011

Fall 7 times, stand up 8 - infertility edition

Here in seemingly never-ending infertility-land, Will and I had another "falling down" experience yesterday.

My sister told us a week ago that her doctor messed up the AMH test, delaying moving ahead, and so we had that redrawn last weekend, much to my frustration. I'm ready to get this show on the road, people! I want to get all the information together to give to Denver to get their opinion - should we cycle with her or find an anonymous donor? So at the time of the re-order, we ordered the AMH test stat...and it is now a week later...with of course no results yet...

For the past two weeks, I've also been hounding my sister (nicely, I hope) for her karyotype results - and so she finally got in touch with her doctor yesterday.

This is when her doctor shared that - oh, the karyotype? - oh, well, actually there had been a mistake with that test too and it wasn't done.

My sister supposedly had all these tests drawn on November 17. NOVEMBER 17!!! And to clarify, Will had ordered them himself - she had a prescription with the test names written down, and her doctor failed to honor what the prescription said - or tell her that they couldn't be done through their lab - or whatever was the reality. Unbelievable!

I feel like I've lost a month of my life here waiting for these results. We've been waiting for these so we can talk to Dr. Schl. and see if she is a reasonable donor to use, and if not, to regroup and move on. Again.

And now we find out that her doctor didn't run the right tests and then on top of that, didn't bother to even inform her?! Aaaaarrrrrgh!!! It is so frustrating to feel like there are so, so many obstacles in our path. I feel this especially because we are pursuing third-party reproduction. I can't believe how difficult this is. I feel like the universe should cut us a break already - as though I'm due some sort of ease in things since I've bent my psyche inside out to accept giving up on having my own genetic child, to accept the possibility that I won't be able to carry my own child. I know it doesn't work that way, but ugh.

On top of this, all of my feelings are magnified while I am on the dreaded Deport Lupron, both because that drug makes me extra emotional and because I AM TAKING IT SO I CAN DO A TRANSFER!@! (Bang head repeatedly on desk). Which makes me feel like the biggest moron within a 20-mile radius.

So here's what I think of this "Fall seven times, stand up eight" proberb right now...I really don't feel like standing up again. Not one bit.

What do I feel like? I feel like giving up. I feel broken. I feel incensed. I feel helpless. Why is it so hard to find our way out of this? Why is it so challenging to even get to a place where I can make an attempt to get out of this, like being able to do a transfer?

I know I will stand up again, because that is what I do. And really, what else is there to do?

But really.

Really? Does it really have to be like this? Couldn't something work out already?


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  1. Ah hell. One more thing you don't need, and shouldn't have to deal with. So very sorry. Her doctor sounds like a putz, and a crummy doctor besides--I hope once she's approved by CCRM she'll be doing all her monitoring at a DIFFERENT doctor...

    And I hope this all resolves quickly and easily and SOON. Because yes, I agree, the universe owes you a bit of ease at this point. None of this should be as hard as it has been for you, and you've more than paid your dues. Hang tough. Eye on the prize. Blah-blah-blah. Thinking of you--oh lordy, am I thinking of you!

  2. Oh Mo...been there is all I can say. I constantly feel like just throwing in the towel, but somehow I inevitably manage to find the strength to go on. I hate IF.

  3. I am so sorry to hear about the additional delays. I cannot imagine how frustrating this must be. My frustrations pale in comparison to yours and I still often feel like giving up.

    This really, really sucks. I'm sorry. :(

  4. Ugh, ugh, ugh. This is exceedingly frustrating. I wholeheartedly agree that the universe should give you a break. Your tenacity amazes me daily; I just wish that you weren't being tested and pushed to the brink like this over and over again.

    Please, universe, I beg you, give Mo and Will a seamless path to parenthood and more joy, peace and love than they ever imagined was possible. Stat. That is all. Thank you.

  5. This just sucks. I agree: the universe owes you big time. Here's a thought: even without the whole picture can you give ccrm the info you have and see what they say about your sister? I'm assuming this post means you've decided not to transfer your own embryos at this time? I want moving ahead to be easier for you...

  6. Gwinne,

    we aren't sure - still considering transferring our own embryos. Just feeling out whether we could survive another blow if that turned out not to work...

  7. Argh argh argh! I absolutely hate that you have to go through this. It's stressful enough dealing with necessary waiting - unnecessary waiting is intolerable! I hope one way or another you get to transfer SOMETHING. I of course understand your reservations about transferring your own embryos, but on the other hand, they are there and if you do this you won't have to wonder "what if?" Whichever way you go, I hope things go more smoothly going forward. The universe DOES owe you something for all of this time & effort & heartache. Hang in there, thinking of you...

  8. Shaking my fist at the universe again! Argh. This is so not right!

    I am sending you strength and many hugs.

  9. Well, we can hold you up if need be. Damn it, universe! You suck!

  10. Oh, FUCK! I've been meaning to respond to the last few posts, but have been mostly reading on my iPod, which makes it hard to comment.

    I can only imagine how the lupron is magnifying these fuck ups. I vote for a transfer of one or two of your embryos while continuing to get your sister's testing done. I'm sorry this is so fucking hard. Just. Not. Fair. xoxo

  11. Can I just tell you that as I'm reading your post, I'm thinking, "Oh hell no!" Incensed is a very nice way of putting how freaking frustrated you feel. I would be irate, but of course, it's not your sister's fault, but her doctor is a moron. Having been on lupron, I can imagine with the depot version that you are even more "incensed". This all just plain sucks. Thinking of you, hang in there!


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