Friday, February 13, 2015

Headed in the right direction with beta and perspective

I've never been so relieved to see a dropping beta (as of yesterday, HCG = 237.3, progesterone = 11.12). Ultrasound for ectopic was negative, as expected. In my mind this has been over since Monday's results came in. Glad my body seems to be getting the picture too. Lingering in this semi-pregnant but not heading anywhere good state is not recommended. I just want this limbo situation to be over with.

In your experience, at what point does an actual miscarriage commence? Is it when the progesterone drops low enough, and at what level does that tend to be?

I am sad, but knowing I will miscarry while simultaneously having Ms. Magpie here in my life is a qualitatively different experience. I would love to have a sibling for Magpie, but I am thrilled with her presence in our lives. She changes the experience of this miscarriage so deeply for me. So this feels hard, but it is not the profoundly hopeless, filled-with-fear-that-I-will-never-get-out-the-other-side sadness I have experienced with all of the other losses. I am sad, but definitely still intact.

Magpie, on the other hand, is magnificent. I am even more grateful for her presence in our lives than usual, and she feels ever more a miracle.

On the day I went in for the induction before Magpie's birth, I quoted Carole Maso (with thanks to Gwinne): "I dream of the one yet to be born. The one still curled in my womb. The one who will open like a star." 

And Magpie has opened like a star - she has unfurled into our lives in all her glory, a shining, living, breathing, amazing girl, one who came so close to never existing. I still can't quite believe it.

Now, as if on cue, she is calling from her crib: "Mommy?".... "Mommy?".... "Mommy?" And so I will go to her for some morning cuddles in the rocking chair, warm milk in her sippy cup to hand her for this cold, cold morning.

Mo


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39 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Mo. Glad that your body is getting the hint. Enjoy your snuggles with Ms Magpie. There's nothing like a 2 year old's hugs.

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  2. I'm so sorry...but I'm glad you have Magpie to lighten your heart during this sad time. Sending hugs.

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  3. Love when I hear mommy, mommy, just love it! Sorry again, I hope you next FET gets you another Magpie!!!!

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  4. I'm so sorry. When I first saw the title, I thought....

    Anyway, I had D&Cs with my m/cs...have you considered? I think waiting to m/c would be awful. I had two healthy pgs after so there were no probs from the D&Cs. Wishing you the best, so glad you have M.

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  5. Ugh, Mo. I am so sorry that you're going through this, but like you, I had my daughter when I had my miscarriages, and they were devastating... but I already had a little girl to call me Mommy. Still, you've had a rough road and I'm sorry that it continues. Be kind and gentle to yourself over the next few weeks. And soak up those snuggles!

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  6. Sorry Mo! Seems like you're handling it ok. Thinking of you.

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  7. :-( Soak up that sweet little girl.

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  8. I am so sorry, my body REALLY likes to hold onto non-viable pregnancies for what seems like too long. Having experienced 2 chemical pregnancies, a blighted ovum, and a first trimester miscarriage after a heartbeat, in all cases where my bloodwork was monitored (3 of my 4 losses), I didn't start the miscarriage process until my progesterone was below 5 - BLEH.

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  9. Ah, Mo. I am so very sorry.

    The one time I had a spontaneous miscarriage (as opposed to D&C) I started bleeding when my beta got down close to zero. It generally drops at about the same rate it rises. If I'm not mistaken, it's the hcg fall that triggers progesterone dropping, not the other way around?

    I'm so very sorry. I'd had such high hopes for this.

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  10. I'm so very sorry. :( Many hugs to you.

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  11. I am so sorry. :( At the same time I am glad you don't have an ectopic and you aren't in limbo. I had this happen with a miraculous natural pregnancy that was never supposed to be able to happen so I know right where you are. I am glad you have your little miracle baby to cuddle this time and she offers some consolation that getting to the other side is possible.

    Take care. I know for me nothing happens until my beta is zero.

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  12. So sorry to hear about this:( Saw my hcg dropping from about 250, 2 days later at 217. It took about another 6 days for bleeding to start for me.

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  13. Oh Mo I am so sorry for your loss.
    I hope it goes quickly.
    Karen

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  14. Oh, I'm sorry. Glad though that having Magpie there to call to you and cuddle with eases your sorrow (my experience with the one completed IVF cycle I managed to take on after the birth of my son was similar; I sobbed, once, but didn't have that run-over-by-a-truck feeling that every other such cycle had brought).

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  15. I am so sorry. It's good to hear that you are still feeling intact this time around, but totally understandable that at the same time it's still difficult to go through the loss. I'm glad that Magpie is there to keep you focused on the present and be a source of comfort and joy.

    In terms of when will the miscarriage commence - I think it's different in every case. I had an FET with a beta that never got above ~180. It took at least 5 weeks of 2x/wk betas before it finally got down below 5 - I thought it was never going to happen. (Like your situation, it couldn't be visualized on ultrasound, so they couldn't say whether it was ectopic.) I've had others with betas higher than that, which ended much more quickly. One time, the beta was around 5,500, and the full-out bleeding began about 9 days later.

    I hope you get out of limbo quickly, and I also hope that you are able to post soon about very good betas from an FET. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you and wishing you comfort and peace.

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  16. You are so graceful.

    Many many hugs.

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  17. I am catching up and filled with both empathy and anger for you. Why, oh why, does this have to happen to mess with our minds so?

    I'm so sorry this wasn't the surprise rainbow second happy ending you so deserve. I have been exactly where you are, four times to be exact, and it is just a total mind game.

    FWIW, my "natural" miscarriage happened when my pg was quite low. And then, unfortunately, I needed a D&C anyway. But I think with yours being so early, it makes perfect sense to wait it out as it would likely be "just" a heavy period. D&C always carries risk of scarring, which I can say from experience brings a whole grab bag of new complications.

    Thinking of you and sending positive energy.

    PS - would you be willing to share the name of your Dr. Miscarriage? I am in the NYC area now and wonder if it might be worth a consult, just for some answers/closure. (goodegghatched@gmail.com)

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  18. I'm really sorry. So glad you are able to soak in the sweetness along with the bitter. Thinking of you.

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  19. So very sorry.

    So very glad Magpie is there to make you happy again.

    How wonderfully she's filled your lives xxx

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  20. Dear mo, I'm so sorry. And I so get it. Hard. But not the mind crushing how will I get out of bed and face the day despair that came pre-living child. But still, hard. And worth some tears, and maybe a nice glass of wine, or a few really choice swear words. Still hard. And I'm still so sorry.

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  21. Coming back to send more love your way. Many, many hugs.

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  22. Just wanted to say that you are still on my mind. Hope all is as good as can be expected. Hugs.

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  23. I am a newcomer to your blog and just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry for your loss. Magpie is beautiful and I am glad you have her kisses and cuddles to help you through this difficult period.

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  24. I'm so sorry. I am glad the M is there to comfort you. It makes such a difference to have a little one here but it still sucks. Hang in there. I hope the physical part goes quickly and easily for you.

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  25. I am so sorry. I'm glad that Magpie's presence is giving you comfort - I found the same thing after our failed DE FET - there is a difference approaching failure and loss when you are already a parent (apart from anything else, there is less time to think!). My experience of miscarriages is that progesterone seems to be the key in when the bleeding starts.

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  26. Mo, I am so very sorry that this is happening to you-- how soul crushingly sad. I am so glad that Magpie is there to hug you and love you.

    You, Will and Magpie are in my prayers.

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  27. An usefull post,thx to admin for the article

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  28. A nosey question; when you miscarry, do you think that you'll try to preserve the products of conception to have them tested, or do you feel like you know all that you need to know about the challenges you have reproductively? I wish that I could more accurately convey how crushed I am for you and how much I understand the heartbreak and wish that it was not yours to bear. Sending love and light.

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  29. I'm sorry friend. I've been away.

    I'm so very sorry for your loss.

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  30. mo,
    how are you?
    thinking of you...

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  31. I'm so very sorry. :( Unfortunately, I have always gone ahead with misoprostol to induce miscarriage, as my body seems to really want to hold on to pregnancies, even when not viable. Hopefully you don't need to resort to that. Sending my thoughts and prayers your way.

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  32. Just caught up on your recent posts. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  33. Sorry for you loss and thank heavens for Magpie! I somehow missed this post

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  34. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have to thank you for writing this post about perspective. We found out last month I was pregnant with my second child. We were over the moon. I started brown spotting a couple days ago and went to the doctor today. I'm 5w5d and they saw a gestational sac measuring 6w0d but no yolk sac or fetal pole. Was told it was technically a bit to early to say anything definitive but it was probably a blighted ovum. At the end of my appointment she printed the photo for my chart and it auto prints two. The sadness on her face when she awkwardly didn't know whether or not to hand it to me and she said "I'm not sure if you want this or not..." I took it. I figured even if I can't see a baby there, my heart knows it was on some level and that may be my only picture. My world caved in. I've spent most of the day crying. My husband picked up my daughter from daycare and brought her home. She saw me crying and said "mama cry. Mama sad. I love mama." The feeling of your heart being crushed and melted at the same time is a very strange feeling. Later tonight I sat on the couch, decided to check in with my blogs as a distraction, and saw no new post from you. But my finger accidentally opened this old post. I needed it. Thank you for sharing such a personal post. I'm trying to hold onto a little hope without being overly optimistic. I held my little girl extra close today.

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