Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The sadness of waiting for the inevitable


I'm still technically pregnant. Walking around in bit of a sad haze. I think the reality has mostly sunk in, although my body hasn't gotten the message. No bleeding, still slightly queasy with sore boobs. Pee stick still darkening but not in any dramatically different, hope-inspiring way.

I'm frustrated to say that I'm still waiting on my OB's office to call and discuss the findings with me. Thank God I have other avenues to access my blood test results, because can you imagine the state I'd be in if I were still waiting two days later to hear the numbers from the test drawn Monday morning?! And having no idea it is bad news, thinking that no news must mean all is well? It's Wednesday, people!

I'm not in the mood to go chase them down to hear the bad news, and I've been on this merry-go-round ride enough times previously to know that even if there were some infinitesimal chance of a turn around, there's nothing else I can do to try to make it happen. I'm taking my prenatal, I'm taking extra folic acid, I'm on lovenox (still, begrudgingly), I'm taking prednisone, I even plunked down major cash for the IVIG. The outcome is completely out of my hands.

I'm guessing that when the OB's office gets around to calling, I will be told to come in for another beta draw to receive the final nail in this pregnancy coffin.

I'm trying to view this whole surprise pregnancy as a gift as well as a "warm up" to our next FET, but at this moment I just feel tired and worn out and sad.

Thanks for waiting with me. Reading your thoughts and supportive words helps.

Mo



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30 comments:

  1. Waiting to miscarry sounds awful. Thinking of you lots. xoxo

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  2. I am so sorry the results weren't different. I was really rooting for this pregnancy to stick. :(

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  3. The waiting is the hardest part. Abiding with you, Mo.

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  4. I'm so sorry for you. You did all you could!

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  5. Ah, Mo. I am so very sorry.

    I am also a person who wrote off her own pregnancy multiple times (low non-doubling beta! small sac! low heartbeat!) and has a 3-year-old despite every prognosis and study on the internet.

    I'm hoping so hard that #8 defies the odds here too.

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  6. That is so shitty of your OBs office to not give you the results for days! I would be furious with them. Like you said, thank goodness you have other ways to check your test results. I'm so sorry Mo. It's just not fair.

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  7. I read your blog from time to time. May you find some serenity during this difficult time. I am sending you good thoughts.

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  8. Hugs to you! Thinking of you and sending you positive energy for this tough time.

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  9. that does sound rather awful, the waiting for a J is excruciating....

    xxx

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  10. I'm so sorry. Sending love and peaceful thoughts

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  11. How hard it is to have hope snatched away from you like this. How cruel. I am so sorry.

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  12. Goddamn, I hate waiting. Waiting for test results or for shoes to fall. It all feels awful. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

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  13. So sorry to hear. Thinking of you! Hugs!!

    ~Annabelle

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  14. I'm so sorry your wonderful surprise is coming with such a crummy ending. Take good care of yourself!

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  15. Sending you ((hugs)) and supportive. Being in the unknown is the worst. I am praying for a miracle, and a fast resolve. Lynne

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  16. I am reading along and thinking about you and your family and praying for you too! I wish the road was easier.

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  17. I'm so sorry to hear this news. It really sucks. Thinking of you.

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  18. that is just LAME of the office not to have called you,

    if you hadn't had a third beta,
    you would be walking around thinking that, well, that things were rolling along the way they should be.

    maybe they misread their results?
    I would call in just to see WTF.

    i would also be taking my meds still. i always gave my last chance's the last of lastest of chances, until it was more than obvious that it was over.

    thinking of you, mo.
    this is never a good time.
    my heart hurts for you in how you must be feeling.

    and, i just wanted to say that it doesn't matter that it was #8 and that you have btdt, or that you are "AMA" of whatever age- this is a painful thing to have to go thru, whether it is your first time, 10th, or if you are 25 or 45. totally sucks. let yourself feel as bad as you want :(

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  19. Oh my word Mo. I only check on my blog roll about once every other week....I was so suprised to see this today and had to go searching back to see the whole story. I am both sad for you and still a bit hopeful for you. Many hugs and even with some data I'm going to keep praying for an awesome outcome (and check my blogroll more often). Hang in there. Hugs.
    kd

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  20. I had wonderful betas that tripled throughout the first weeks of my pregnancy, so I was stunned when we went for our 8 week ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. It seems only fair that your body could get with the picture and spot or cramp. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

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  21. I'm so sad for you that the news was not better. I've been there myself, 6 times, so I know the range of feelings all too well. The clinic has obviously F-ed up in terms of getting results to you (can they tell that results have been accessed and know that you already know? - even so, a call from them to see if you're ok would still be in order).

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  22. YOu've been through this before, but I can't imagine it being any easier this time. Even with the wondrous Magpie dancing in the living room.
    My thoughts are with you, dear woman. Take excellent care of yourself.

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  23. I am appalled, truly appalled, at your OB's office: WTF?

    Like you (though not having to deal with the same breadth/depth), I took my meds to the last moment of "no."

    It's hard.

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  24. I'm so sorry. This is such a cruel ride, even if you do have a daughter. Prayers and ((hugs)).

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  25. Of course you are worn out, my God. You have certainly been through more than a lifetime's worth of this.

    I'm sure this is cold comfort, but in some way I think it speaks well of you have you can still feel sadness, that you aren't all the way numb. Nice prize, huh? Second prize, two weeks in Cleveland.

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  26. Just sending ((hugs)). It is doubly unfair that you're still needing to suffer the typical exhaustion of early pregnancy. Of course you're tired and worn out.

    I hope you can find some way to pamper yourself.

    Davidah

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  27. This sucks and I'm so sorry. I do think maybe this means you have a good chance with an FET. I am crossing everything that by some miracle this pregnancy sticks or your FET works for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Lots of good thoughts for you.

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  28. Thinking of you and sending hugs while waiting.

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  29. I'm so sorry....it is the worst feeling but I know what you mean about appreciating your child even more. This is such a horrid process. Big hug to you and I hope the process goes by quickly. For me, I did a D&C and wish I hadn't (it messed up my lining probably for good).

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