This weekend was my talk up in Rochester. My husband Will took a couple of days off, we gathered our boxer Moxie's things and loaded her in the car, and we all headed up there together, planning to spend a couple of days tooling around the Finger Lakes after the talk.
The talk went well. It's a little tiring to be on my feet for a couple of hours, but no biggie - the energy of presenting tends to carry me through. After my talk, I spent several hours holed up in my hotel room finishing writing a second talk that my boss is right now giving on my behalf in San Jose, California.
That night, I noticed some uterine discomfort. I tend to have this once or twice a week. I'm not sure what causes it, but I picture the baby getting bigger in little spurts, sometimes causing my uterus to stretch. Usually, the pain is brief. I've gotten pretty used to it.
However, this night, it lasts all through dinner. I feel it as I'm falling asleep. Then while I'm restlessly trying to sleep, I feel the sensation intensifying into discomfort along my whole left side, enough that even in my dreams I am in pain.
I dream that something is wrong with the baby and that I need to go to the hospital. In the dream, Will pooh poohs me and won't come with me, so I am in a strange city on my own, looking for the hospital. I finally get there, but they don't do an ultrasound. I don't know if the baby is ok.
I wake up, really uncomfortable physically.
Tossing and turning, I have this dim idea that I'm having a placental abruption. I have the half-awake/half-asleep dream thought that the baby is dead because I was silly enough to travel out of town to give a talk. Because of course, giving talks kills babies, an irrational notion I can't seem to shake.
I wake up. It is morning. I am still crampy.
All the cobwebs of the night before merge. I am convinced that the dreams were prescient in some way. I am scared that the pregnancy is over.
I tell Will about my nightmares and about the cramping, but I don't want to freak him out about how freaked out I am. As soon as he takes Moxie for her morning walk, I whip out the doppler...fumbling around with it...and for the life of me I can't find the baby's heartbeat. I'm starting to panic.
And then finally...after what seems like an eternity...there it is.
Super strong. Galloping like a horse. A heart rate in the 140s, 150s. Loud, unmistakable.
I almost cry with relief.
Within a couple of hours, the left-sided pain subsides. Still don't know what it was. Round ligament pain, maybe? Dehydration?
My uterus was quiet the rest of the weekend. And is fine now. Baby's heartbeat still going strong, as of this morning.
I, on the other hand, think I might have lost a few years off of my life.
Mo
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Oh Mo...I don't think there will come a time that you are not worried about this child. I just wish that your body would quit doing things like this to you. I don't know why you can't just have a nice, carefree pregnancy after all you have been through. I'm so, so glad that the baby is fine and that your uterus has calmed down. I hate that you get so scared but I totally understand where it comes from. Hang in there, hopefully things will just keep progressing as they should and you won't have any more reasons to freak out. Thinking of you always.
ReplyDeleteGiving you gray hairs already? Silly little baby.
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I'm glad you were able to find a strong heartbeat and calm your fears. It must sound wonderful every single time :)
Oh Mo, I am so sorry that this happened; I have an inkling of how terrifying that must have been. I'm glad that your talk went well, and I am so glad that your boss was willing to do the one out in CA! I am glad that the doppler gave you some reassurance, but this seems like just the kind of time that your ob said that she'd like to see you to reassure you. Sending hugs to you and your little joker!
ReplyDeleteWow, that sounds terrifying!
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping that Baby continues to shorten your life span for many, many years to come!
Round ligament pain is awful. I sneezed in my office and screamed from the pain! :) This kinda sounds like that. Glad all is well.
ReplyDeleteIt is good to hear from you although I am sorry it is because you were under such duress.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that the physical feelings you were having sent you into such a tailspin and can fully relate to how that happens.
The good news is that all is well so you have this experience to bolster you should something similar happen in the future.
One thing that is disconcerting is that we are trained to 'go with our gut' but IF and in particular recurrent losses, interrupts our ability to do so. How do we know when our gut is right or it is just our overactive imagination? First pregnancies, especially when they are so hard fought, are so tricky to navigate as your body is going through innumerable changes.
Hang in there!
Aren't you the smart mama for taking that doplar with you?! And that little bean needs to calm herself down in there, making you feel all crazy.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you had the doppler with you to give you some peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteOy! The lead up to finding the heartbeat had ME close to tears! So glad all is well.
ReplyDeleteIt may in fact be round ligament pain. Hang in there.
Oh yikes. Very glad you had the doppler with you! And very sorry it was such a scary time--and painful. Enough already, Universe! Please give Mo a bit of a break here, ok?). Thinking of you and looking forward to seeing you soon!
ReplyDeleteYoiks, that is some scary stuff!! I've been noticing more cramping lately too, it is a little alarming. I'm so glad you had that doppler...and even more glad the heartbeat was still going strong. Deep breaths until the next ultrasound...
ReplyDeleteGlad everything is ok and you have the reassurance from the doppler. I hope everything is totally boring from here on out!
ReplyDeleteI know it's scary. This is uncharted territory for you.
ReplyDeleteCramping will happen. Cramping that doesn't turn into regular contractions or not accompanied by bleeding is likely OK. Really. I found that drinking water and resting took care of a lot of that, but still had contractions starting very early (like 10 weeks with Tiny Boy and maybe 16 with LG).
Do you get an ultrasound this week? I hope the OB visit helps.
I know the feeling of being certain (both rightly and wrongly) that my baby is dead and I'm glad you had the doppler to put your mind at rest. Cramping is going to happen throughout the pregnancy - think about all the morphing your body has to do to accommodate your growing little one. I'm hoping this is the one that sticks for you. <3
ReplyDeleteScary! I'm glad baby is hanging strong!
ReplyDeleteI had a few episodes like that. Do you have endo? I do and at the time I wondered if it could be pain from scar tissue moving around. It was especially bad when my ute got to my belly button. (yes, placental abruption crossed my mind as well.)
ReplyDeleteGlad you are feeling better and had your doppler with you.
I can't even imagine how tough it must be but hang in there. Stay hydrated. I hate bad dreams. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteMo, one of the wierdest things about actully being pregnant beyond 9 weeks (my longest pregnancy before my twins) is that you find out that a REAL pregnancy is a CONSTANTLY feeling thing. Your uterus, as you know, is just barely held down, and as the grows and stretches, it pushes on things and they fight it out, and sometimes nerves get involved, and stuff gets WIERD. I found going to an osteopath and a chiropractor very helpful in managing all of that physical reaction/reality business. I'm so glad you have that doppler!
ReplyDeleteI feel for you so very much and this is all bringing up some memories from my time pregnant :)
ReplyDeleteThank goodness you have that doppler - I remember saying to the doc every two weeks, "well let's see if they're still alive" and him giving me this look. But we all know...
Big hugs to you and baby, keep on reassuring your mother :)
PS yes, I get traffic from yours - when I bother to check you are one of my top 3 referrers :) Thanks for putting me on your blogroll!
So scary! I read in my weekly update that around 13-14 weeks you start to feel cramping because of how fast the baby is growing and that it is stretching out your uterus. I am sure that is exactly what it is. I wish there was something I could say to calm your nerves, but there isn't. Just know that I am praying for you and your little one/
ReplyDeletePPS are you taking belly pics? If yes, can we see them? I just looked at your ticker and I remember my 14 week pic!
ReplyDeleteHi, Mo-I gave you a blog award, check out my blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the doppler calmed your fears and I hope soon you can have less worry.
How dare that baby scare you like that! I'm sorry you had to go through that but what an endorsement for the doppler ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, that's scary. You must be thinking that doppler is worth its weight in gold.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad that all is well. And that your Rochester talk is ovah!
Round ligament pain! It can be really painful. I remember some tearful, freaked out evenings on the couch around 15/16 weeks when it got bad and I was so scared (and didn't have a doppler). It's at its peak from 14-20 weeks, if I remember. And then other things take its place.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time, just get through the fear. You are doing so great!
I've headed to my OB over round ligament pain it is FRIGHTENING. Hydrate [it helped me] and thank the angels that hearken that you have a doppler---- those things are life savors for ones sanity. Glad your talk went well!
ReplyDeleteYikes. So glad you had the Doppler, were able to find the h/b, and of course, most important of all, that all is OK (also that Will was there, even if dream Will was uncooperative).
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful that everything is OK!! All I could think when I read through this is that you are going to be very experienced with freaking out when the baby is here! Keep posting... we are all here, so excited and ready to lift you up and encourage you at every turn.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness for the doppler! Mine saved my sanity (or resurrected it) more than a few times when I woke up after a bad dream, or with some unshakable sense that something was wrong. As others have said, the worry doesn't go away completely until you're holding your baby. Soon. You're more than a third of the way there!
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm really glad you have the doppler and it's working for you. I know you've fought so hard to be this pregnant but in a weird way I'm wishing it will hurry along for you so that you can get past the panic and enjoy the real live baby in your arms bit!
ReplyDeleteYikes! What a scary experience, so glad you had the doppler! The odd pains and cramping from the ute will continue but once you feel regular movement it helps reduce the anxiety a little ( or at least gives you something new to freak out about). Hang in there, you are doing great!
ReplyDeleteScary! Thank goodness for your mad doppler skills. :)
ReplyDelete