Radio silence

Not much to say so have been hunkered down, quiet. Hopefully it's a sign of healing, rather than moping.

I survived the past weekend's baptism and my friends were very sensitive, which was much appreciated. Nothing about my situation mentioned, which was just fine. At one point, my friend R. quietly turned to me and said that she knew there were many reasons why I might not have wanted to/been able to come, including the recent surgery, my dissertation deadlines, as well as my own struggles to conceive. She told me how much she appreciated my presence and how she knew it was probably not easy to be there. Then she said it would have been ok if I'd had to say I couldn't come. That she would have understood. I thanked her and assured her I wanted to be there and then we let the subject pass. It was lovely that she acknowledged it. And I was thrilled she didn't dwell on it.

I held her daughter throughout the weekend, feeding her, burping her, soothing her. And sometimes I'd look in her eyes and she, all 2 1/2 months of her, would stare back, and I'd wonder: Could I love you? If R. gave you to me at the end of this weekend, could I love you like you were my own? Maybe. And if I could, then, could I love an adopted child? Maybe. Not sure. But maybe.

Since I've gotten back, I've been immersed in trying to get this dissertation moving. Between that and the fact that I'm not sure what to say about infertility these days, you may not hear so much from me in the next little while. But I'm here. Results section of my dissertation is due on Monday. I have another co-culture biopsy on Tuesday. Discussion section (not yet started) is due on Friday.

I am quiet but I'm here. Hope to surface again soon, on a number of levels.

Mo

Just quiet

Still here, just feeling on the quiet side, processing all that has occurred in the past month or so (fourth failed cycle, major surgery, the latest consult) and trying to feel my way forward emotionally toward how to face the uncertain future.

I'm starting to feel better from the lap - still a bit fatigued, but the discomfort seems to have subsided.

Tomorrow I catch a couple of planes to go to the baptism of my friend R's baby. I will be her godmother. Will is not able to come, so I will go on my own. I'm looking forward to meeting the baby in person finally and to celebrating with my friend and her family. At the same time, I know the trip will be depleting and bittersweet. It will be hard to hold R's daughter and know that I may never have this experience for myself.

I am so happy for my friend and at the same time sad for us that we are not moving forward on our own journey and may not make it out the other side with a happy ending, despite all of our efforts and wishes to do so. And although I'm trying not to, it's also easy to lapse into the place of "It's not fair." R. is 44 and conceived her daughter after a single IVF. I am thrilled for her but can't believe that she could have the outcome she's had, while we are having the experience we are. Of course I know life isn't fair (got that pretty thoroughly when I was diagnosed with cancer at age 27, and then again when I lived but watched others die of my same illness). And I know that I'm just torturing myself comparing our two situations, so I try to avoid doing this...down this road peril lies.

Any advice on how to cope with the emotional complexities of the weekend?

Mo

Update on R's baby

After more than a month of hospital bedrest and an early delivery at 33 weeks, my friend R's baby is being discharged from the hospital today! She's now two weeks and two days old and weighs 5 lbs 15 oz. Pretty amazing as R. was told to expect her daughter to be in the NICU for at least one month.

R's baby would be 35 weeks 2 days if she was still in her mom's belly. She's done great in the hospital, just struggling with a little bit of jaundice and apnea, but they say she's ready to go. No apnea monitor or anything.

R. is really excited to have her daughter home. Yay R's baby!

Unfortunately, in the category of "why-can't-things-ever-happen-without-a-scary-hitch", R. developed some frightening symptoms a few days after delivery: shortness of breath while lying down, a persistent cough, swelling in her arms and legs, and a wheezy noise in her chest while lying down. She's now been diagnosed with postpartum cardiomyopathy by both the pulmonologist and cardiologist (wheezy noise was pulmonary edema) and is on a slew of diuretics to reduce the strain on her heart while it recovers. If things go well, her cardiac function should return to normal in the next few months. Anybody have experience with something like this?

Mo

R's baby is here at 33 weeks!

I wanted to share that my friend R. went into labor Tuesday night and delivered her baby girl today at 2:55 pm. Today marked exactly 33 weeks (she made it five weeks from when she first went into the hospital. Pretty good!).

Her little girl weighs 5 lbs., 4 oz., and she scored an Apgar of 8 and then 9 one minute later.

Baby's doing great in the NICU, breathing on her own. R. is very tired, but very happy.

And I am a thrilled and proud new godmother : )

Mo

32 weeks

My friend R. reached 32 weeks today and is still going strong on hospital bedrest at Brigham and Women's. Still dilated to 5-6 cm, still 100% effaced, but hanging in there. She's feeling cheerier now she has a computer.

She's managed to stay pregnant far past her doctors' predictions. She said they refuse to prognosticate further since none of them thought she would make it this far. She's been in the hospital now since Christmas Eve.

I'll keep you posted.

Way to go, R!

Mo

IVF doldrums

Haven't posted because I don't have a whole lot to say. My birthday hit hard. I've always loved getting older (especially since having cancer) but this year, for the first time, I really felt that I didn't want to mark the passage of another year.

Will said to me the night of my 37th birthday, "Can you believe we're in our late 30s already?" and I just started crying. Yes, I can certainly believe it. What I'm having trouble wrapping my head around is the possibility that we may not be able to have children.

That said, all is quiet externally. We're in that between-cycle doldrum place. It is unprecedented, but I didn't ovulate this month. This perhaps explains the hot flashes but just reinforces my fears of perimenopause.

We're using this in-between time to set up some second opinions and to move forward with long-neglected professional tasks (e.g., dissertation, fellowship applications, grant applications) and personal life (vacation plans, yoga classes for Will, new and improved diet).

Hopefully we will get much accomplished and maybe even have some fun doing it. Still I am secretly hoping the time will pass quickly until we can cycle again.

On another topic, my friend R. reached 31 weeks this past Wednesday. She's going a bit batty in the hospital now and is 100% effaced. They aren't doing internal checks anymore because they said the next thing that will happen is her water will break and she will almost immediately deliver (I guess you don't need to dilate to 10 cms when you're this early). But no delivery as of yet - fingers crossed that she gets to 32 weeks - and maybe even beyond!

Mo

30 Weeks

My friend R. who fell and went into premature labor a couple of weeks ago made it to 30 weeks today. She's still flat on her back at Brigham and Women's doing a pretty good job of keeping her spirits up. That's the good news.

The less good news is that her doctors did an internal exam and she's dilated another centimeter in the past day and is having discharge (she'd kill me for typing that last detail). They told her to expect to deliver in the next couple of days.

I'll let you know what happens.

Please keep her and her baby in your thoughts.

What to expect when you’re expecting a preemie?

I’m at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, staying the night with my dear friend R. who is 28 weeks pregnant after IVF and now hospitalized for the duration of her pregnancy. She had to be admitted after it was determined that she was having contractions, was four centimeters dilated, and that her membranes were bulging. With medication, the contractions have been stopped. And now she’s trying to eke out as much time as possible before the baby is born.

Once R. got to the hospital, it was also discovered that she has protein in her urine (BP is normal) so they are watching her for preeclampsia. She has received steroids to develop her daughter’s lungs. She may or may not be leaking amniotic fluid (two tests came back positive, two negative). They are estimating her daughter currently weighs approximately 3 lbs.

R. is a very good friend of mine from college. She miraculously got pregnant with this little girl with her own eggs at age 44 – from her first IVF cycle (I am only a little envious of her incredible luck and amazing egg quality). I am going to be her daughter’s godmother once she is born – which her doctors say is likely to be in the next week or two.

Considering everything, R. is doing pretty well. Her family lives a few hours away and can only visit once a week, so she is alone right now. She’s scared, bored, and a little blue after spending Christmas waiting for the impending arrival of her daughter. But she is resilient. And she is grateful to have made it to a great hospital with a good NICU.

This is R’s first – and will be her only – biological child. She hasn’t yet taken any birthing classes, doesn’t know much about breastfeeding, and doesn’t know ANYTHING about preemie births and what to expect after the birth.

So my dear readers and ICLW’ers , this is where I turn to you for advice.

Since I am nulliparous, I’m not even sure what specific questions to ask. And of course I realize that every week will make a big difference in the outcome for her daughter and that there is a lot of variability between one baby and the next, even when babies are born in exactly the same week. And I also know that based on some of your experiences, 28 weeks sounds pretty far along! That said, moms of preemies, can you give any words of advice to R? What do you wish you had known? What got you through the toughest times? Any recommended reading on dealing with the special issues presented by a preemie?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts, advice, book and website recommendations, etc.

Mo