Saturday, April 18, 2009

Radio silence

Not much to say so have been hunkered down, quiet. Hopefully it's a sign of healing, rather than moping.

I survived the past weekend's baptism and my friends were very sensitive, which was much appreciated. Nothing about my situation mentioned, which was just fine. At one point, my friend R. quietly turned to me and said that she knew there were many reasons why I might not have wanted to/been able to come, including the recent surgery, my dissertation deadlines, as well as my own struggles to conceive. She told me how much she appreciated my presence and how she knew it was probably not easy to be there. Then she said it would have been ok if I'd had to say I couldn't come. That she would have understood. I thanked her and assured her I wanted to be there and then we let the subject pass. It was lovely that she acknowledged it. And I was thrilled she didn't dwell on it.

I held her daughter throughout the weekend, feeding her, burping her, soothing her. And sometimes I'd look in her eyes and she, all 2 1/2 months of her, would stare back, and I'd wonder: Could I love you? If R. gave you to me at the end of this weekend, could I love you like you were my own? Maybe. And if I could, then, could I love an adopted child? Maybe. Not sure. But maybe.

Since I've gotten back, I've been immersed in trying to get this dissertation moving. Between that and the fact that I'm not sure what to say about infertility these days, you may not hear so much from me in the next little while. But I'm here. Results section of my dissertation is due on Monday. I have another co-culture biopsy on Tuesday. Discussion section (not yet started) is due on Friday.

I am quiet but I'm here. Hope to surface again soon, on a number of levels.


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  1. I hope having something like a dissertation to focus on, complete with deadlines, may help pull time forward, under, and past...
    I hope you are healing from all that you're been through, but I know it is not simple. In fact, I am not sure it could be more complex. But I am wishing you all things good, Mo, I really am. I am hoping for you to lose some hours to work, and surface to feelings of increasing peace, physical comfort, moment of near normalcy (whateverthehellthatis). And know there are about a zillion of us out here pulling for you. And we'll be here when you surface. Warmly, Kate

  2. Good luck with your dissertation work...yuck! Anyway, take all the blogging time off you need. We're always here cheering you on and we'll be here to support you in whatever next steps you chose. ((HUGS))

  3. Glad that your throwing yourself into you work, all of it is complex, we heal, we hurt, good days, bad days, hoping you have more good than bad.

  4. Glad you made it through the weekend, sounds like it was a good thing for you overall. Your friend seems to be the miracle person who acknowledges your pain and moves on - what a treasure!

  5. If you adopt a child one day, I am sure you will be a wonderful mother :).

    Take care.

  6. Thinking of you...

    What a great friend. Sounds like a keeper, as everyone I know just completely skirts the topic OR dwells too long and asks too many questions.

  7. It sounds like your friend is one who supports you, truly cares for you...what a blessing.

    I know you'll be floating around for the next while, but know I'm thinking about you guys and sending lots of hugs as you make your way through this next phase.

    Good luck with your paper, too! Talk about a big distraction--yea for those!


  8. silence is undervalued.

    hope that some quiet brings you peace. thinking of you and hope that you can take good care of yourself, take pleasure from your work, your relationships, and from the hope warm weather and springtime brings.

  9. The thing that I keep thinking is that all of this work -- in every area of my life -- is going to pay off sometime. And I truly hope this proves true for you. You're putting your effort into all the right places and I hope that it pays dividends for you very, very soon. We'll miss you while you're away but best wishes with everything, on every front.

  10. Glad the weekend went well. Good luck with the dissertation.

  11. I do the SAME thing with my cousin's children. I think, could I love you as if you had come through me? And you know what? I 100% know I could. Still, I think you know when you're ready to quite ART treatments. At least I hope so.

    Thinking of you as you finish your dissertation! :)


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