Tuesday, July 7, 2009

First ultrasound and talk with RE

First of all, thank you so much for your comments and thoughts. Those of you who chimed in about HCG levels were VERY helpful. Just knowing that you guys are out there and rooting for us means a great deal, to both of us. And I agree about the benefits of doing yoga and/or meditation. I unfortunately can't right now because I have a dissertation to defend, but it does sound like a great idea. I'm sure the upcoming defense has a lot to do with my sky-high stress levels.

We saw the RE and had an ultrasound. We're just barely at the five week mark, so it's super early.

We could see the gestational sac on the screen and the RE saw the yolk sac as well, which is great, and all one could hope to see at this stage of things.

We talked about the HCG numbers not rising so much since Saturday - he said not to put too much stock in them. Unless they plateau entirely or drop, we're ok, and ultrasound is the way to go from here on out.

So this was all a great relief.

But the funny thing is, part of me still feels that something is wrong. My body doesn't feel right to me (as though I would know what "right" feels like!) My nausea and fatigue have lessened and last night and through today, I started having moderate cramping that feels like my period is about to come. I mentioned this to the RE and he said all of this is normal. That it is too early to have reliable symptoms. Which reassured me a smidgen. But not really.

I'm beginning to accept that I just may not feel better for quite a while. That my anxiety may be one of the legacies of all of our losses. I hope that once the dissertation defense is done and we're off on our trip (to where? who knows!) that I can begin to surrender to the process of this pregnancy a little more. To know that we've done our part and all there is left to do is enjoy each step along the way. To be thrilled and grateful we are where we are.

For now, I am very glad we heard reassuring news today. But I also don't feel much better, which is a drag. It's like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I suspect I will be for while to come.


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  1. It really is too early to rely on symptoms to tell you anything. And not feeling quite "right" can itself be a symptom! It's so hard, though, I know.

    Concentrate on getting through your dissertation defense, and getting to your vacation. One day at a time.

    I'm rooting for you guys SO HARD -- and following your updates obsessively, I might add. ;)

  2. This is so great to read! I understand that you're still not feeling better. I have a feeling the pg anxiety and the diss anxiety are contributing to the fluctuating symptoms, and possibly even the cramping. But I have heard many times that cramping in early pregnancy is VERY common.

    Hang in there! Can't wait to read that you've got a heartbeat. I'm imagining our kids playing together! Very cool! :-) I know it's hard for you to go there yet, so I'll visualize it for you.

  3. just wanted to chime in to say that i experienced cramps in early pregnancy--and it felt scary to me too! for the two or three months, the mild cramping i had felt exactly like AF was on her way. every time i went to the bathroom, i expected to see blood... but there was none. i hope things continue to go well for you and that you can feel some relief soon! i think it took until i could feel my baby kicking and rolling around in my tummy regularly before i stopped feeling completely anxious about how the pregnancy was going all the time. that's not to say that the anxiety is completely gone now, but it's significantly better!

  4. I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I did want to say goodluck with your thesis defence, and I'll be cheering for you regarding your pregnancy.

    One other thought is that it seems your RE has been very open and honest so far, so (if he is like my RE) he would be unlikely to placate you with niceties.
    Hang in there!

  5. I understand your caution. But am super glad you got good news. ;)

  6. Mo
    I know I am a broken record, but I need to tell myself this practically every single day and since I know you get the RENT reference allow me to say it again:
    No day but today!

    And also--measure your life in love. The love you already feel for that little growing bundle of hope and joy, the love you feel for each other...it's all immense.

    So happy you had a good ultrasound!

  7. I am so glad that you received good news. I feel exactly the same way you do, so I know how you must feel and how hard each day is right now. I hope these next few weeks fly by!

  8. So glad that the us went well. That is good news. My sister had cramps like her period was going to start from 5-7 weeks with both her pregnancy so try not to worry to much about that. I know easier said then done. I hope things go well with the dissertation.

    Thinking of you.

  9. Congrats on a great ultrasound! I totally echo Elle, I don't think symptoms mean anything at all at this stage. My breasts didn't hurt then, I didn't need to pee etc etc, I had cramps ranging from achiness to full on menstrual type cramps (and then frightening but inconsequential bleeding) from week 5 - 7. It meant nothing. If I hadn't gone through an IVF cycle and been checking obsessively I would honestly have thought my period was imminent. I went from nausea to feeling absolutely fine (except for cramps) for days until week 7 when full on nausea kicked in. I also had a beta rise of only 67% over 48 hours before 1st ultrasound and was told the same as you about ultrasounds being the only sure thing (they were right, low rise meant nothing).
    I completely understand why you have the hope/fear battle going on and I agree with the other ladies the one day at a time approach is the only way to go no matter how slow it feels. Also try and do something 'busy' on your holiday to minimize the inevitable obsessing!
    As ever, wishing you every ounce of luck in the world that your little bean stays strong.

    PS - totally the right call on your trip - but I smiled wryly when reading that post - isn't that the way life works, who needs ivf, just book an expensive trip of a lifetime and fate will take it's turn!

  10. Hang in there mo - it is okay to worry that the other shoe will drop - it is normal, it is like going through multiple tours of duty in a war zone - you are who you are because of the expereinces that you have been through.
    We are cheering for you!

  11. I'm so sorry all your previous heartbreaks have made it so hard to relax and enjoy your amazing miracle pregnancy! Each u/s and blood test along the way will help reassure you! But I think you're right, it'll be a long road with a lot of trying to anaylze what your body is telling you.

  12. I'm glad that the appointment went well! I agree with what has been said- the early symptoms wane and intensify all the time and they're hard to rely on right now. Hang in there!

    I understand the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome. And I hate to say it but for me I still have these "what if something is wrong" worries all the time. I'm at the point where I should start feeling regular movement soon and I think then I'll feel more settled than ever in this pregnancy. Our first and only other one was taken away so early; that was all I knew.

    So that was more to say that I completely know where you are coming from and as hard as it can be, try your best to just stay positive and occupy your mind with other things like your dissertation :) And I know your Will is as sweet as my DH and he'll reinforce the positive mood on the days when you're struggling.

    You guys have endured so much and I am praying that this little one has settled in for the long haul. You deserve this happiness! Hugs to you!!

  13. Mo & Will -
    I have not commented since your fantastic news - but I am so excited for you! I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

  14. I'm so glad that things went well, and that you got some reassurance even if it's not particularly reassuring you. For what it's worth, I sometimes STILL feel like I'm about to get my period -- it's a feeling that's come on and off with me since a few days before we got our positive. It's totally maddening and confusing.

    Hang in there....and good luck with your dissertation defense!

  15. this is so fantastic!!!
    My clinic stops betas once you've hit 2000, b/c they vary after that.

  16. So glad to hear your appt was reassuring.
    Now I am hoping you can concentrate a little on your dissertation defense.
    Good luck!!!

  17. congratulations on the everything is perfect so far ultrasound. And I can only imagine how you must feel--
    I agree with Elle, try to take it one day at a time.

    We're all pulling for you, and I wish that meant everything will be fine. I like to think we're that powerful.

    Thinking of you, and thinking you are off to a great start.
    Be gentle with yourself, gosh darn Mo, it is not as if this journey has been easy. Uneasiness is a perfectly reasonable thing to feel, I just wish you just felt glee.

    Hard to un-know things.


  18. Again, good news to hear. It's almost like you go through infertility-induced PTSD. You can never fully trust your body to do what it should, given how it has betrayed you in the past. But all signs point to the positive here, so try to let that in too.

    I'm really pulling for you both!!

  19. I didn't have any nausea until around 9 weeks. Also- I got a positive HPT just shy of 5 weeks and was feeling significant cramping. I was so sure that I was going to miscarry/get my period that I wore a maxi pad for several days.

    It's all working out so far. I'll be 16 weeks tomorrow.

    So I agree with your doc (from my personal experience) lack of nausea and presence of cramps doesn't mean there's trouble.


  20. I think that sounds like great news. Keep your chin up and good luck with your disertation! You've worked hard to get where you are today. Maybe it's a blessing to help take your mind off everything...

    Good luck & take care. I'm cheering for you from the sidelines! :-)

  21. So glad the news so far is good. I don't know that there is anything you can do at this point about the waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling. I know I'm waking up every morning expecting something horrible to have happened, and I think that's just the way it is.

    However, sometimes good things really do happen and I really do think this is one of those times. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

  22. Oh I have so been where you are (and still am there). Everything you feel is 100% normal. The sudden lack of symptoms, then feeling not right...just keep telling yourself that you're exactly where you want to be and that it's normal to feel anxious. The cramping is completely normal, btw, and in fact a good sign that the embryo is burrowing in. Hang in there -- I am rooting for you!

  23. I am glad to hear that the u/s and corresponding doctor's opinion were positive. My friend at work had horrible AF cramps for weeks - mostly from 5ish to 8ish.

    Good luck with the dissertation defense. I really hope that your vacation is wonderful and that it is filled with pregnancy symptoms out the wazoo.

  24. I'm right there with you...we've had a reassuring ultrasound and if possible I am feeling more depressed because it wasn't reassuring enough. This wall we put around our heart to insulate us from hurt also keeps us from experiencing the joys of early pregnancy. Hang in there! Try and let other people be excited and happy for you and let us surround you with some positive energy and maybe it will rub off on you. :)

  25. I just wanted to chime in that I'm happy to hear that you got some reassuring news! You have a lot going on and I wish you well with everything ... Knock 'em dead with your dissertation defense! Grow baby grow! Enjoy your vacation and celebrate that new life growing inside you!

  26. your RE is totally right. you know this :) try to use this time to use your defense as a distraction. it totally helps! i promise! :)

  27. Yay for gestational sac and yolk sac!
    The other thing that can slow down the doubling is if you'd started off with two, and the HCG levels were going crazy from that, and you're now left with one healthy one. The HCG from the one would be falling while the other's is still doubling.
    Hope you get great news with your next ultrasound.

  28. I'm 14 weeks today and STILL feel like the other shoe may drop. It's an unfortunate side effect from years of infertility and disappointment. Hang in there, Mo! Sending love your way.

  29. So far, so good. Your history, unfortunately, will continue to make you cautious and try to protect your heart. While it may be difficult to think positive and into the future, focus on the fact that NBHHY (nothing bad has happened yet). Hang in there and good luck on your dissertation defense. I have a feeling all good things are coming your way.

  30. You know, then when you feel the baby move you worry about delivery. When the baby gets here you worry about SIDS, when they are teenagers you worry about them driving....

    Parenthood is full of worry always!! Hahaha

    I felt cramping with both my pregnancys-- to the point where I thought AFj was about to start. Just try to relax (i know, I know) and please G-d this time its a keeper.

    Hugs from MD

  31. I have so many things to say but none of them are original! So I will just say I am thinking about you and WIll and hoping every day that this is your dream come true!

  32. I have so many things to say but none of them are original! So I will just say I am thinking about you and WIll and hoping every day that this is your dream come true!

  33. I have so many things to say but none of them are original! So I will just say I am thinking about you and WIll and hoping every day that this is your dream come true!

  34. You're going to be certain something is wrong the entire time, probably. You're just wired that way now. Hopefully you'll be wrong all the way through this time. :)

    BTW, I didn't feel sick until around 7.5 weeks, and then I felt AWFUL. Everyone's experience is different.

  35. Just came from the L&F to wish you good luck and much ease on your dissertation defense. Hope it goes well and you feel much lighter and more peaceful once it's over with.

  36. Good luck on your dissertation defense!

  37. Just wanted to wish you luck at your defense today! What a big week for you...

  38. Good luck with your dissertation defense!--Christina

  39. Hang in there. Waiting sucks, but no news is good news...


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