Friday, January 7, 2011

Which way do we go? Meeting with the RE

The holidays are thankfully over and I am still in the process of recovering from a severe flu that I came down with Christmas day. Fever long gone but cough seemingly here to stay for a while.

But now that the holidays are over, it's time to begin to sort out options with this baby-making business. To get that rolling, Will and I met with our NYC RE to discuss the fact that this latest miscarriage was a chromosomally normal boy and what that means in terms of next steps.

He is so kind and met with us for nearly an hour, but unfortunately, we didn't leave his office having a sense of what the next step should be.

He said we are "getting closer" to a gestational carrier as a direction to take. But then again at other points in the conversation, he didn't seem to think we were necessarily there yet and said that many people lose a chromosomally normal pregnancy, so it's not really an indication that I can't carry a baby to term. If we had a second chromosomally normal loss (God help me), he said then we would be looking at surrogacy as the next right step. He also said that he felt that having a chromosomally normal embryo or two is great, but does not necessarily make a baby. He reminded me that my embryos were biopsied and frozen and thawed. He reminded me that my embryos didn't all develop on time (the late fertilizers, the day 7 blasts), which he thinks is a harbinger of doom for viability.

And I've started to look into gestational surrogacy, even though I am not happy about the idea. And Oh. My. God. It is so expensive. Breathtakingly expensive. And really expensive before you even know if the baby will really take or not. Like $25,000ish before she'd even be nine weeks pregnant (and I've lost babies past that point. Twice). Ugh!

My doctor also said that many women with histories like mine go on to use an egg donor (in their own body) successfully and that we are getting closer to that path as well. But probably not there yet either, since we have the five chromosomally normal blasts and one no result still waiting for us in Denver. On hearing that, I promptly went and picked two egg donors from two different egg donor agencies. They are both really smart. They both have light skin and very dark hair. Just like me. They are both in their early twenties, which I like. I see them as my ladies in waiting. But of course, the question is, can a pregnancy survive in my body? We don't know. Sigh.

Honestly, at this point, I just want to get out of this reproductive business and take whichever path is fastest to have a child. Still don't know what path that is, unfortunately. I wish it were clearer, so I could choose it.

One commenter after the miscarriage - anonymous, of course - stated that "Isn't it time you see the writing on the wall?" and that since I'd had the best clinic in the country transfer chromosomally normal embryos I should...actually she didn't say what I should do, because the solution is apparently so obvious to everyone but me, it doesn't need to be spelled out. Dear anonymous, I've tried and tried to read the writing on the wall, but I can't make it out. Do I conclude my body can't support a pregnancy? Do I conclude that despite the fact that I can make chromosomally normal embryos there is STILL something wrong with my eggs so that they can't make a baby? I don't know. And my doctors don't know either. And that is what sucks so much.

Both Schoolcraft and our local NYC RE think it is most reasonable for us to try another transfer with my embryos in my body. And while having my own genetic baby in my own body would be my dream come true, my only reaction is Ugh.

Will turned to me in bed recently one night and asked if I would be willing to do another fresh IVF with microarray so we'd have more normals to try with. That would be fresh IVF #8. Nine, if you count the frozen transfer. And I said no. At least for now. Which is a first. I have always felt I could go one more round. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Because I can't imagine succeeding. All I can see is more grief. More delays. More pain. With no end in sight.

So what do *I* want? I just want out of this bloody mess. I want to move on to having a baby.

Problem is, I still don't know how to get there.


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