Trying to read the tea leaves

Bear with me, folks. I realize this is tedious to anyone but me.

This morning, I used one of two precious remaining HPTs today, just to see where things are at.

And it's not looking very hopeful to me.

But not an obvious definitive no either.

Here's this morning's test.

It does not look discernibly darker to me than the last one.

If anything it looks perhaps lighter? But hard to tell.

Also for comparison, here's an hpt from failed pregnancy #6, at approximately the same dates. So THAT looks markedly different.

It's not over until it's over, but boy it's looking kind of over to me.

Mo

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Maybe

27dp5dt - test line getting darker than the control

Six weeks, four days.

Ultrasound later today. Hoping to see the flicker of a heartbeat.

Scared.

Hopeful.

Seems like maybe, just maybe...

First off to preschool (sitting in the hallway today, rather than the classroom. Separating a little bit at a time!) and then RE appointment later.

We shall see.

Mo


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6w2d

I'm trying to stay sane waiting for Thursday's ultrasound. Almost don't want to get the Thursday ultrasound because I'm so worried it will be bad news. Or even worse, indeterminate news. Worried that my RE's crappy machine, plus me being potentially two days behind developmentally (the RE said he finds many FET pregnancies are), may mean we see no heart beat, and won't know what that means. And then of course my local RE leaves town the next day for over a week. Hopefully we'll see something definitive either way. Hopefully.

This morning I woke up and my belly felt flat, where I've been feeling very bloated. Had to choose not to pay attention to that. Choose not to overinterpret. In general, I'm trying hard to not attend to pregnancy "symptoms" or lack thereof. Unfortunately, nothing is very reassuring right now. It seems like everything can be attributed to the meds. I did a quick google search to remind myself that there is an enormous range of "symptoms" at this point, with no symptoms being quite common, and others reporting some. The fact that this is an FET versus a natural pregnancy mucks up the interpretation of any symptoms I think, since I'm on a boatload of drugs.

Yesterday, I think I forgot one or two doses of my estrogen vaginal pill (estrace, which I take 3 times a day). Yikes! Hoping that didn't doom anything. My estrogen has been around 1,100 to 1,200. So I'm hoping that even if I forgot those doses, it couldn't have crashed below 300 in that span of time. Any scientific types reading? I could use some reassurance about this. 

Last night I dreamt I was pregnant. Not the Mo and Will kind of pregnant I actually am, where loss seems imminent, but the kind of pregnant where you know you're going to have a child. I was making lists of names for the baby. All girls names. And then realized that maybe it's a boy. So made a list of boy's names. I think this is my first pregnancy dream this time around. Nice at least for a dream to have a feeling of confidence.

I peed on one more stick yesterday, just to try to tide myself over until later in the week. Yesterday's hpt is on the bottom, compared to one a few days prior to that. Who knows what the darkness of the lines means in terms of how things are progressing. 

No doubt about it, though, it does appear that I am still pregnant. 

Two more days to an ultrasound that will hopefully show cardiac activity. 

Oh, please! If we can only get there, that would feel like an enormous milestone.

Mo

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Inside the mind of a habitual aborter at 20dp5dt

Welcome inside the mind of someone who has had seven losses, one wondrous daughter, and now finds herself amazingly, fortunately, luckily, pregnant again.

It's a tricky place.

I'm trying to balance in the place that all could be ok. Not to start to think it is ok and get my hopes way up, but not to fall into the chasm that it's hopeless and doomed either. Just stay the middle path.

The history of losses makes it hard. In particular, our first FET, with three chromosomally normal blasts, which looked remarkably similar to this pregnancy (low initial beta, good doubling), ended in disaster. That particular piece of history is hard not to gnaw on in my mind.

I remind myself that we're doing IVIG this time, and I've gone gluten free, and perhaps started the lovenox earlier (although I honestly can't remember), and I think I'm on a higher dose of prednisone this time, for whatever that's worth. I remind myself that that experience was that experience and this one is its own. That was those blastocysts. This time could be different. It all might be ok (might not too).

Thanks for your thoughts on the ultrasound. I had decided not to do it, then started to waffle a bit yesterday. After your comments, in particular Gwinne's about the vanishing twin, and anonymous at 1:32PM, reminding me that more information could possibly be helpful, I scheduled one for Friday (God help me). Of course, the other comments were persuasive too, but by then I'd scheduled it. We'll see if I actually go. I know there's no heartbeat to see at this stage, but I also know I (and the RE) will be looking at the ultrasound trying to read the tea leaves on things that are too tiny to see. Most specifically, is there a yolk sac? Is there a REAL yolk sac? (we've been told things were yolk sacs before that in hindsight seem a bit specious).

I took another giant leap of faith yesterday and scheduled a first prenatal appointment with my wonderful OB. Scheduled for Oct. 5. A lifetime from now, but really not so long. That would be amazing if we were still pregnant then...that would be the beginning of the eighth week. Hard to imagine, but I knew she'd be booked if I didn't get on the schedule now. Very scary to schedule that. But I did it.

See below, today's pee stick on the bottom. Nice and dark. There's definitely something going on!

It looks as good as it could, and is so reassuring, but guarantees nothing. (And of then of course if I look back at FET #1's stick around this day, it looks almost identical. Ugh!)

But I just keep reminding myself that it could be ok.

That these embryos either have what it takes or they don't.

That I've done and continue to do all that I know to do.

That this time, I know in a way I never did before that it could work out (Magpie is here after all).

My job now is to try to enjoy this part as much as possible. "Enjoy" seems rather the wrong word. Honor this time? That's closer. This pregnancy is a great privilege, and I feel that through my entire being.

For now, we are pregnant again, for the ninth time, hanging on for dear life. Who ever would have thought we'd even have a chance again?

Mo


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17dp5dt

I am waiting at my local clinic to get blood drawn to check hormone levels and to hopefully sneak in another beta hcg before IVIG #2, which is scheduled for tomorrow.

I'm feeling....all over the place. Hopeful, hopeless, accepting, frantic. It changes, depending on the moment.

I'm having a small meds crisis too. Ran completely out now of both kinds of progesterone (akk!), so hopefully can get an emergency delivery of PIO and the suppositories today. So on top of my usual fears are the fears that because I didn't stay on top of this better, I'm risking the pregnancy in that way. Sigh.

I did manage to stay distracted and busy all weekend (so busy I didn't notice my meds issue!) and I think that was a good short-term strategy. This whole early pregnancy business involves just a ton of not knowing and tolerating uncertainty. Pregnancy in general, but this part especially.

Here's this morning's HPT (Dora, note how carefully I have tried to avoid the word P-E-E, so that you can see my blog from work?!).

I think it looks ok. Darker, I think. Certainly not lighter. We will see what the numbers look like, hopefully later today (but please local clinic, not TOO much later! Hoping that progesterone AND beta look ok. Unusual for me to be worried on both fronts.)

Thank you all again for your thoughts and words during this early time. IVF vet or not, this part of the process is harrowing for me.

Mo

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15dpt5dt hpt reassurance

Yesterday felt fairly symptomless and by the end of the day I was fearing the pregnancy was over.

Sigh.

It is hard to hold on to good news for long. 

So this morning I allowed myself another HPT. 

It doesn't look dramatically darker than two days ago. But maybe it's a bit darker? This is also not first morning uring (FMU). I woke at 1:15AM and couldn't hold it any longer, so this is more middle of the night urine than anything (MOTNU).

The darker or not part is hard to tell, but the line certainly isn't gone. So that's something.

My goal this weekend is to think about this pregnancy as little as possible (ha!)

We'll see what next week brings. I will probably test again on Monday. Especially because right now, the plan is to get my second IVIG treatment on Tuesday afternoon. Definitely would rather skip the big expense and suffering if the pregnancy levels are not progressing.

God, I hope the pregnancy is progressing though. Hoping with everything I have.

Mo


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13dp5dt pee stick and thoughts from beta hell

Heading back in this morning for another blood draw. I've just been staying in the now, not trying to call how this is going to go.

I've been giving Mapgie more cuddles and kisses than usual. Last night, I was kissing the nape of her little neck and just smelling her Magpie toddler smell and thinking, I am so lucky this girl is here, so lucky.

The past two days I've consoled myself by looking at egg donor profiles. Just to remind myself there are options should we decide to take them. Somehow that helps take the pressure off of now, off of the thought this is my last chance, which goes hand in hand with the scary unarticulated thought, and it is completely out of my control.

At the moment I'm at a place of acceptance. This could go either way, but I'm not overly optimistic, if that makes any sense. I feel at peace that things will be what they will be. We've rolled the dice and we'll see what the outcome is.

My symptoms have felt a little bit less. But in these early days I know that symptoms come and go no matter what. So the lessening hasn't been too much of a torture.

I stayed away from pee sticks yesterday, but since I'm heading in for a blood draw this morning, I thought perhaps this could help me to be prepared. The new result is on the bottom.

Looks darker, right? Here's hoping!

But who knows, really.

The blood work will be more telling (hopefully). Results could come back as early as 2pm.

I would love a more definitive answer either way, but maybe that's too much to ask?

Mo

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FET #3 10dp5dt Decided not to wait

Remember how I said I would wait until Tuesday to pee on a stick again?

Well, I caved this morning. I was thinking my symptoms were diminishing, and I'm alone today with Magpie (Will has to work and our playdate plan fell through), and I told myself if I tested negative I could go do something super fun with her today, forget the 10 lb. lifting restriction and just pick her up in my arms and have the best day possible running around the city doing fun toddler stuff. (This of course overlooks the fact that I would be devastated, so carrying out said plan would be tough, but ahem, I forgot that part).

So around 6:30AM, I tested.

And....

Not sure if you can tell so well from this picture, but the line today is definitely darker.

Is it twice as dark? I dunno. But it's darker. It definitely hasn't disappeared, as I was fearing. Hopefully this represents a beta of around 70...

We'll see what tomorrow's beta brings but it looks to me like this very fledgling pregnancy still has a chance.

Happy Labor Day everybody!

Mo


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FET #3 7dp5dt: Edited

If you were looking for clarity, I recommend you look elsewhere.

Things here remain decidedly uncertain. Sigh.

The tests are positive.

A little bit.

Barely.

These lines don't look anything like Magpie's lines did at 7dp5dt, when the beta came back at 69.  Today's Icon test looks slightly darker to me than yesterday's, so that's something.

Slighly confounding things, I desperately had to pee at 2AM. I managed to hold it until 3:15AM and then caved. So this isn't exactly first morning urine, and it's not 24 hours from the last test either. But it wouldn't have made that much of a difference, I don't think.

I keep reminding myself that the Denver clinic is happy with a beta hcg of 50 on 9dp5dt (Magpie's was 155 on that day, which was great, but not necessary according to them). To achieve a beta hcg of 50 by Sunday, I would need to be somewhere around 25ish today.

That's not out of the question. These lines could represent numbers like that. But it's iffy.

You guys really buoyed me up yesterday. To be honest, when I posted, I was leaning toward considering yesterday's "line" an evaporation line, and this whole cycle a complete bust, but you convinced me over the course of the day that the line was really there. I came home last night and looked at it again, and you were right. It was a real line.

So are today's lines. But they are certainly nothing to get too excited about.

I spotted through the rest of yesterday on and off. Very light but definite. And I emailed with my Denver nurse who said I could check progesterone and estrogen levels today if it would help me get through the long holiday weekend.

So I am going to try to do that this morning, and while I'm there, see if I can throw in a beta hcg too.

I'm ready to move us from the qualitative to the quantitative. Get a number on the board, low as it might be.

Mild cramping going on right now, breasts very sore. There's something going on in there, digging in or dying off. Hard to say which.

Will has to work 12 hour shifts today, tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday, leaving Magpie and me to our own devices. I've been trying to line up activities and playdates and distractions to get us through. This upcoming long weekend feels particularly long. And not being able to lift Magpie (post-transfer restrictions from Denver) is tricky business with no Will around. I'll let her co-sleep with me this weekend since I can't lift her into her crib. I think she and I will both enjoy that. Her adorable little hands and body hugging against me may be just what I need to make it through the next four nights.

Here are pics of all four pee sticks from yesterday and today. Let me know what you think. *I* think I am single-handedly keeping the HPT economy afloat!

And thanks, thanks so much, for so many of you delurking yesterday to give your two cents on our situation.

Mo

***Edited to add: I was able to get blood drawn this morning for progesterone, estrogen, AND beta HCG. Results are due anytime between now and 5. I'll post as soon as I hear anything!


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FET #3: 6dp5dt: First HPT and WTF?! Edited

So I woke up before dawn and tested this morning, and got a stark white on the hospital HPT, which has a sensitivity level of HCG = 25. I'd also bought some FRERs and tested with one of those, and it looked negative to me too. I thought I saw maybe the ghost of a second line. But other times I couldn't see it. 

Magpie woke up in the middle of the night and told Will, "I feel lonely." (oh!) So he brought her into our bed. It was nice to have her nestled against me, her little fingers resting on my arm, especially after my testing around 4:30AM.

Here are the tests below for you to see. If I tilt my monitor at an angle I can see a whiff of a second line on the FRER. Maybe. If I squint a little. 

But I'm not feeling very hopeful about this. I'm thinking this is going to be a bust and am really sad.

I don't know, folks. It doesn't look good to me. What do you think?

Sigh.

Mo

PS - in terms of symptoms: no cramping now, some unsettled stomach, breasts are sore. Spirits are low.

*****EDITED TO ADD: It's around noon now, and just went to bathroom and am spotting pink. Which is either a very hopeful sign of implantation (I spotted on this day with Magpie's pregnancy) or the beginning of the doomed end. I just did a PIO shot this morning, so I'm hoping it's a good sign? But who knows.

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When to test with HPTs?

So here we are on 4dp5dt....

I looked through my HPT stash and have six tests in my possession, so I've been trying to figure out how to dole them out to myself.

Today is only 4dp5dt - that seems too early to test, especially for someone with a limited HPT stash.

I tested positive with Magpie on 6dp5dt, so perhaps I'll try testing then? On the other hand, I know how horrible it is to keep seeing the dreaded white space where a second line is supposed to be. The fear of seeing that makes me want to wait to test.

What do you guys think? When should I start to test?

I know some of you will say to wait until the beta...which would be Sunday...but my silly local clinic doesn't test betas on the weekend. Bah!

So I might not get an official beta until the Tuesday after Labor Day, because of the holiday weekend. I don't know that I can wait that long.

I welcome all wisdom. I'm going a bit batty over here.

Mo


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Groundhog day: The HPT version - edited

Another day, another pee stick. They test lines look remarkably the same across days, don't they? Not a good thing at all to not see the lines darkening. And yet, the lines don't really look significantly lighter to me either. Sigh.

Still waiting to hear from the OB, which seems rather unbelievable. I put a call in this morning asking for where to go from here, so hopefully I'll get a response later today.

Mo

********************************
I heard from the OB's nurse and they want me to get an ultrasound today to rule out an ectopic. Plus repeat the beta so we can get results before the long weekend. Both seem like reasonable next steps.


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HCG results for pregnancy #8

I have a lot to say and no time at the moment...but I don't want to leave you guys hanging any longer.

My OB called this morning (I love her!) and spoke to me before I left for work.

HCG level yesterday was 106.5, so a tad low, but I like that it's three digits, instead of two. I'd call it decent, and hey, you've got to start somewhere. I didn't expect it to be too high because I tested on Monday morning with a First Response Early Result (FRER) pee stick and got a negative.

Progesterone looked great at 28.08. So that's a relief.

Going back in for a second beta tomorrow to see what is going on with the doubling situation, which is what really matters.

I diligently peed on a FRER this morning...looks basically the same to me as yesterday's (or even a bit lighter, what do you think?). Unfortunately, not seeing a big change in the right direction did not reassure me. I realize the pee sticks do not constitute a quantitative analysis, but I couldn't help myself. Shouldn't it be clear to me by now that mostly the pee sticks just make me more scared? Some people never learn.

Bottom line, as of now, I am a very little bit pregnant. Who ever thought I'd be having this experience?!

Hanging on for the ride!

Mo

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You will NOT believe this

This is from this morning:

Can you see it too? There's a second line there, right?

After seven IVFs to get to Magpie and then after trying monthly since Magpie was
8 weeks old with no results, could this be true?

I mean seriously...I was last "naturally" pregnant in 2009. This is SIX years later. At age 43, I am reproductively ancient, and it's not like I was exactly Ms. Fertile when I was younger.

I went unannounced to the OB's office this morning and begged for an HCG and progesterone level.

I'm just... color me completely stunned.

Mo

20dp5dt update + CB indicator test is the devil

Remember the scare I had with the Clearblue indicator test? Well...I tested again with it right after I got back my hcg level of 7,681. I followed the instructions explicitly...And the damn thing still said 2-3 weeks pregnant!! It is thereby proven to be a piece of garbage, created only to make pregnant women even more neurotic than they already are. So lessons learned? Don't trust this indicator test (perhaps why it is not available for sale in the U.S.?) or at least don't trust it when it's February and your stick expired in September. Just wanted to share. That was the last of those in my possession, so they won't be messing with my head again.

Such wonderful info. If only it were accurate.

I'm still laid up in bed with this nasty chest cough and low-grade fever. This can't be good for the pregnancy, but then again my hopes for this pregnancy are waning by the hour. Still feeling basically...nothing. No bleeding, no cramping, no anything.

I crawled into the RE's office today for another progesterone level to see if it's come up now that I'm taking 1.5 cc PIO/day + 3-4 suppositories a day. And the phlebotomist wouldn't listen that that's all I wanted drawn! Instead she ordered estrogen, progesterone, and HCG. Ugh. I don't really want to know the HCG level again. I figure if it's good it won't really reassure me, and if it's bad (which I expect), it will just cause me extra and earlier onset of despair. But she kept saying, "That's what they've been ordering, so that's what I'm going to order." Little does she know that the "they" in question is actually just little 'ole me. I figured I shouldn't clarify that point, though, lest I get myself into trouble.

So, that's all for now. I'm in bed, all tucked in, Moxie at my side. Trying to work on a powerpoint presentation for a workshop series I'm in charge of between naps.

I'm expecting (bad) news from the nurse in a couple of hours.

We shall see...trying not to stress.

But honestly? I hate this.

Mo

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Not feeling it

I woke up this morning scared. Not sure why, just was.

Peed on a stick with what I'd saved up from my middle of the night pee. Test came up very positive.

Discarded the rest of that pee. Then had the brilliant idea to pee again on a Clearblue pregnancy indicator test (I'd bought some of these when I was traveling internationally and was fearing - correctly - that I was losing pregnancy #6).

The indicator test came up that I was 2-3 weeks post conception (so 4-5 weeks pregnant). Except that I'm over 5 weeks now (so test should say "3+" in the window). And my beta is supposedly very high.

Cue major freak out.

Thoughts:

• I had acupuncture yesterday and the acupuncturist put a heat lamp two feet above my abdomen for part of the session. Must have cooked the baby. Baby is dead.
• My throat is a teensie, weensie bit scratchy. And I sneezed twice yesterday. Because I think I'm coming down with a cold. Maybe. A cold that has killed the baby. Obviously.
• I had some french fries at brunch yesterday that were fried in oil that was also used for other breaded foods. So not totally gluten-free. Traces of gluten killed the baby.
• I also had a burger, sans bun, at the same restaurant yesterday. It was pink in the middle, but I didn't send it back. Probably caught toxoplasmosis from the burger. Killed baby. All in less than 24 hours. Amazing, really.
• I haven't been feeling much of anything the past day. No cramping, no pulling. Not feeling it because baby is dead. 
• Is my nausea less? Possibly. It must be because baby is dead.
• When I lie very still, I don't "feel" a connection between myself and the embryo. It "feels like" that connection is gone. Doesn't matter that I hadn't been aware of feeling a connection before - it is gone now. Gone because baby is dead.
• I just "feel like" the pregnancy is over. So it must be. Baby is dead.

My powers of reasoning are astounding, aren't they? 

Never mind that I just got awesome beta results back on Friday.

Never mind that I didn't use first-morning urine on the indicator test (or I did, but had peed not that long before in the cup for the pregnancy test, urine which I then - GAH!- discarded). 

Never mind that the other pee test I used this AM seems just as dark as always. 

Never mind that when I checked the Clearblue indicator test box, the test expired in September. 

Never mind that it is just too early and there is no way to know, even though I "think" I know.

It absolutely stinks to be a recurrent miscarrier, a habitual aborter. 

I cannot be consoled. Cannot be reassured.

I want to just put myself into a coma until I can see a heartbeat. Why did I ever attempt to get pregnant again?

How could it be over (in my mind at least) so quickly?

UGH. UGH. UGH. 

Mo

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