Suzanne sends you a thank you note

Hello kind readers of Mo’s petri dish. I have so many thoughts swirling in my head as I sit to write a thank you note to you all, it’s hard to put them into any logical order. So I will put them in emotional order, which is to say no order at all. Emotions aren’t interested in order.

Your generosity toward a total stranger has restored my faith in humanity. This is not just a cliché statement to be taken lightly. My faith in humanity, and otherworldly things for that matter, has been put through the wringer in the past six years. But just when I need it, something or someone reminds me that this isn’t just a mean old world where we’re all on our own. And in that moment I find the faith of ten mothers plus two, and am able to soldier on.

Sometimes it’s a photo in my email box of Diana, smiling and laughing with her friends at her orphanage. Sometimes it’s a song whose lyrics seem to be written just for the 65 waiting families caught in the Kyrgyzstan adoption moratorium (I have a whole Pandora station of them at this point). Sometimes it’s a total stranger writing, “Let’s get that girl home!” in a note attached to a $25 donation to my travel fund. In your cases, it was a lot of those notes and a lot of those donations. A. Lot.

Your generosity went far beyond your dollars. You were generous with your time, by allowing my story to hi-jack your regularly scheduled programming here on Mo’s blog. You were generous with your empathy, by sharing little glimpses into your own seemingly interminable waits to become mothers. You were generous with your friends, by cross-posting my story on your own blogs and Facebook pages.

I’m humbled by all you have given me. I wish I had more to give in return. I wish I could post a photo here of my precious and beautiful Diana, so you could see how she has refused to let her spirit be crushed by her circumstances. I wish I could post the photo of us hugging and laughing on her 4^th birthday, during adoption process #2 in 2012. But We have been told to be careful about publicly sharing recognizable photos of our children at this delicate moment while we are on the brink of being able to re-re-start our adoptions. After all they aren’t our children, yet.

I hope those of you who gave so freely of yourselves will stop by the Kwyltyng To Kyrgyzstan Facebook page from time to time to keep tabs on the progress of this, Diana’s and my third adoption process. The moment I’m allowed to post photos of her I will post them there. Then you will finally be able to “meet” the child your big, wonderful hearts helped unite with her family, at last.   

And Mo, I just. I’m. Seriously. I can’t begin to tell you what a blessing you and your energy are in this world and in my life. Everything good written above, and much more, applies to you. You are a giver and a gift.

One last bit of housekeeping: Some of you show up on my fundrazr page as “anonymous.” But paypal keeps me abreast of who donated what. So you’re all attached to the appropriate number of quilt raffle tickets, and I will have a way of reaching you if you are a lucky winner.

Thank you, bless you, keep strong, and good luck in the raffle!

Suzanne

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Grand total

Thank you all so much for your generosity to help my friend Suzanne raise funds to travel to Kyrgyzstan to finally and hopefully permanently reunite with her waiting child Diana.

All told, you folks raised $815 that we will be matching, for a total contribution of $1,630. Just Wow.

Amazing and incredible.

Suzanne is still fundraising, but the above amount is the amount that Will and I will be matching, with gratitude to all of you for being so generous for someone you don't even know.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mo

P.S. If you want to check out the progress on all the quilts being made for the raffle, click over to Suzanne's Facebook page, Kwylting for Kyrgyzstan.

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The kindness of strangers

A few days ago, I posted about my friend Suzanne's quilt raffle fundraiser to travel to Kyrgyzstan to finalize her adoption of Diana after waiting in legal limbo for six long years. I was hoping that some of you might be moved to help. I thought that a few small donations would come through, and that that would be amazing since you don't even know Suzanne. I thought a little bit at a time, and all together, we could help to bring Diana home to her waiting family.

I never in a thousand years expected the kind of response that you have shown, and it just teaches me (like I needed to relearn this about you?) that you guys are amazing.

As of today, you have collectively donated $740 to help Diana get home and into her waiting mama's and sister's arms in the United States.

Wow. Just wow.

As promised, Will and I will be matching your donations dollar for dollar. So that means that so far between you guys and us, Suzanne is $1,480 closer to her goal.  And hey, some of you might even win one of the many beautiful handmade quilts being sewn for this project. But of course, winning a quilt is not the point. The point is that there is a lovely girl who needs to get out of that orphanage and into a family, and there is a lovely mama in waiting who never has never given up on her, even when the going got tough (and has stayed tough, for years now).

You are amazing. And I am humbled, ever so humbled. Thank you so so much for reaching out to help a stranger and a little girl.

I promise to keep you updated on Suzanne and Diana as their story progresses.

But in the meantime, thank you. Thank you so very much.

Mo

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International adoption nightmare, with hope finally on the horizon

Little Diana has been waiting six years in an orphanage in Kyrgyzstan. She was matched with my dear friend Suzanne for adoption when she was five weeks old. 

Way back then, in 2008, Suzanne flew to Kyrgyzstan and fell in love with Diana. But then before Suzanne could bring her home, all Kyrgyz international adoptions were put on hold, leaving Diana, and 64 other Kyrgyz orphans, in limbo. Two of the children have since died. And over the years, some of the families have moved on to less arduous adoption situations.

But my friend Suzanne is not a giving-up kind of person. In fact, she is heroic. She has traveled to Bishtek multiple times to see Diana. She has traveled to Washington DC and lobbied U.S. Congress. She produced a heartrending video that was translated into Russian to lobby the Kyrgyz public and legislators to help these waiting children. 

As time has dragged on and Diana has grown from a baby into a toddler into a young girl, Suzanne has taken classes on the issues involved in adopting an older child. She's learned to speak some Russian. Adoptions briefly reopened and a few parents were able to bring their children home in 2012, but they closed again before Diana's case could be brought before the courts and finalized. 

There are 18 children still waiting, growing up in an orphanage instead of with the American families who have come to love them. Diana is one of them. And Suzanne has never given up on her, even as Diana has grown from a newborn baby into a school-age girl.

Diana and Suzanne. Per adoption protocols, Diana's face is not shown.

Now, again, Kyrgyzstan has re-opened their intercountry adoption program. It is Diana's chance to finally come home. My friend is busy redoing her adoption dossier, signing on with yet another adoption agency, and completing all of the documentation necessary.  She is planning to travel to Kyrgyzstan to spend the 6-8 weeks the finalization process will take visiting Diana and helping her adjust to the upcoming transition. She will be traveling with the three-year-old she has adopted domestically while waiting for Diana. 

My friend Suzanne is amazing. But the cost of her six year journey is staggering. She has spent thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to get Diana out of that orphanage and home with her family. She is now working to raise money for her upcoming trip.  And she could really use your help. With the assistance of many friends, she's created a project called Kwylting to Kyrgyzstan to raise money for her and her daughter's travel to Kyrgyzstan. For every $25 donation Suzanne receives, she is giving a raffle ticket to win one of the numerous beautiful quilts that are being handmade for this most meaningful project (see a sampling below). Will and I will be donating ourselves, of course. And Will and I also pledge to match 100% of any donations made through this blog (just say that Mo sent you). All proceeds go to Suzanne's travel costs, and should she exceed her fundraising goal of $10,000, Suzanne plans to donate all remaining funds to the other 17 waiting families.

Please click here to go to Suzanne's fundraising page or click here to see her project's facebook page to view the incredibly beautiful quilts that are in the process of being made.

Can you help Diana come home by donating and spreading the word? After waiting six years in an orphanage, it is so past time for this beautiful young girl to finally join her family.

Mo

the beginnings of a beautiful, colorful quilt in Diana's honor

another quilt in progress, this one monochrome

yet another gorgeous creation on the way - this one a baby/toddler quilt 

the beginnings of something beautiful

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An awful adoption situation, still hoping for a happy ending

In 2008, 65 children were about to be adopted from Kyrgystan by U.S. and Canadian families when the unexpected suspension of all adoptions ended their chances to be united with their adoptive parents. My longtime dear IRL friend Suzanne is one of the adoptive parents affected. That year, she was matched with a beautiful baby girl named Diana. Suzanne traveled to Kyrgystan and bonded with her. She waited for the chance to bring her home, expecting that her court date would occur six to eight weeks after the referral.

There were multiple delays. And then, devastating news that Kyrgystan had halted all international adoptions.

That was two years ago. In the meantime, the government has determined that all 65 children are legal orphans and two sets of new laws have been drafted but not implemented. But two of the children have already died due to inadequate medical care. The others remain in orphanages, far from the families who are eager to love them. Suzanne has made numerous trips overseas to visit Diana, but heartbreakingly has had to leave her behind each time. I wrote about her nightmare situation back in April, 2010, hoping that things would soon improve. But unfortunately, her little girl still isn't home. 

Suzanne with Diana, age 22 months in this photo (now age 3)

Suzanne has actively lobbied congress and the parliament in Kyrgyzstan, meeting with officials in both countries four times. She also produced this video, which was translated into Russian and widely distributed within the Kyrgyz and U.S. governments (makes me cry every time I watch it). Even CNN recently picked up the story. 




The families’ advocacy efforts have been led by Joint Council on International Children’s Services. This organization has now created a targeted advocacy program on behalf of the waiting children and parents, called the Kyrgyz 65 campaign. This past year, the Kyrgyz 65 were awarded the 2010 Outstanding Child Advocate Award at Joint Council’s annual conference in New York.  They are working now – through the Joint Council – to raise funds to step up efforts to bring these children home. To give them what all children deserve: a safe, loving, permanent family. 

If you'd be willing to help Suzanne and the Kyrg 65 in their efforts, please stop by their fundraising page. Will and I have. Hopefully, my friend Suzanne - and the other waiting families - can turn a corner and bring their children home. Three years in an orphanage instead of with a loving family is three years way, way too long.  


Mo


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To Molly and Caroline

We wanted to take a moment to respond here to your comments on Mo's last post, as you left no way to reply to you directly. We are not sure where you come away with the impression that we see adoption as “inferior” or “second best” to any other family building option. (Although clearly you see some choices as superior to others.)  

We are fortunate to come from large extended families that are multicultural and multi-ethnic.  Like many families today, these families have been built in numerous, creative ways. Many of our nephews and cousins came into this world the traditional way. Others came through alternative pathways: several through IUIs and meds, four by IVF, two through surrogacy, and two through adoption.  Luckily, all of the children are loved individually and it makes no difference how or when they came into our lives.  And we do not judge their parents as less than for whatever choices they have made to be able to have children.

Adoption isn’t a lesser choice. But we would also like to point out that surrogacy and egg donation aren't lesser choices either. And adoption, while a wonderful choice, is by no means an easy or certain path; we would strongly argue that it is not "easier" than medical interventions - just different. (Those who have pursued both, please feel free to chime in.) To clarify, we have not been considering combining egg donation with a gestational carrier – those are two separate pathways we have contemplated. But we know two couples who have used an egg donor combined with a carrier and we would never presume to judge them for this decision.

Mo's posts, we believe, reflect the fact that we are conscientious and careful in all of our choices.  It may not be evident to some, but for many reasons that have nothing to do with love, adoption is not the best option or may not be an option at all for a given couple.  It is a complex process for sure and one that we have thoroughly investigated. Some details are private.  

We appreciate everyone's support. It hurts to be misunderstood and even more so to have others jump to conclusions regarding our intentions in loving a child.  

Mo and Will

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Adoption nightmare

One of my dearest friends is stuck in an adoption nightmare. She completed all her research and paperwork and decided to adopt a child from Kyrgyzstan. She was matched with a beautiful little baby, 5 weeks old. She flew to Bishtek and met her. She fell in love immediately. Back home, we all celebrated the news of the referral. We all thought that her little girl would be here soon.

That was twenty-two months ago. Her little girl just turned two this week. She is still in an orphanage in Kyrgyzstan. Because all Kyrgyzstan adoptions have been placed on hold, putting this little girl, and 64 other Kyrgyz children in limbo.

It is unclear when this nightmare, finally picked up by the national media, will end. But undoubtedly, these children, some of whom have medical conditions in need of treatment, will not be the same as they would have been had this stalemate not occurred. Two years is a long time to spend in an orphanage.

My friend has lobbied U.S. congress, traveled to Kyrgyzstan to speak before their parliament, and created a media campaign to try to sway public opinion in Kyrgyzstan. She has now celebrated two birthdays for this little girl in her absence. And her heart is just breaking.

God, I feel for her. And through her experience I have grown more skittish about international adoption, fearing that you could get so far in the process only to have some international snafu jeopardize bringing your child home.

It's a scary story and although it's unusual, I guess it's one of the potential realities of international adoption. It is so hard for me to accept that there are never any guarantees, never a time when you can say you've made it to the other side and all is sure to work out all right. Not in adoption and certainly not in pregnancy. Unfortunately, my experiences so far in infertility have made me feel more intolerant of uncertainty, not less. Which is not a good thing, because there seems to be uncertainty for so many of us at every turn.

I'll keep you posted on what happens for my friend. For now, please keep her, her little one, and those 64 other orphans matched to American families in your thoughts.

Mo

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Sundays of grace #28

What am I grateful for this week?

1. You guys. Did you see the post on attachment in adoption and the thoughtful responses it drew? Many complete with links to other blogs discussing this topic? Wow. Thank you. Not just for me, but for others down the line who might google the topic and land here and find your comments and your links to more thoughtful thoughts on the topic. This is scary territory for many and yet a bunch of you took the plunge and gave your opinions. You guys rock.

2. Psychology training last week. I spent the week out of town at another university getting certified in a type of therapy I use in my clinical and research work (I have an intervention grant to provide this for the next two years). It was fun to solidify my skills, but what was even cooler was getting to talk to colleagues from the training facility who are world leaders in my clinical and research area and bounce ideas back and forth. They invited me to collaborate on a project with them, and I was able to help one of them think of a new way to analyze his data. And the best part of it all? That I was reminded that I LOVE what I do. To be able to (hopefully) help people and to try to improve the evidence base and develop new treatments/improve on existing treatments. Does professional life get any better? A great chance to step back from the small disappointments and stress of an academic medical life to remember why I do what I do.

3. Date night with Will in Chinatown last night. Because I was out of town at my training all week and we were both working like mad people the week before that and then the week before THAT, Will was in San Diego for a conference for a week...all this adds up to feeling like I haven't seen my husband - not really seen him and cherished him - in ages. And you know what? I missed him. So despite yesterday being super packed and us both being exhausted - me after meeting with a group of bereaved military families on an Army base in outer Brooklyn and Will working most of the day at an outside hospital on a consulting gig - we came together last night, went out to eat in Chinatown and had a splendid time. Yay for date night! And an even bigger yay for husbands. I've missed mine! Oh, and you want to know what my fortune cookie said? "An old broom will gather the greatest amount of dirt." You should have seen Will laughing - deep belly laughs - when I opened it...Hmmm....

Mo

Did you see this article? Attachment in adoption

Taking a break from decision making for a day to ask if anyone saw this article in Slate by an adoptive mom about her difficulty bonding with her adopted Chinese daughter.

I cringed at the title ("I Did Not Love My Adopted Child"), mostly for this little girl who would some day perhaps google her writer mom's name and find it. And then think...what? What would it be like to read that as an adolescent?

But at the same time, I found aspects of the article honest and real and willing to grapple with issues that are rarely discussed, at least in public forums.

It's a question I've always wondered about when considering adoption (in particular, international adoption): Would I feel the same connection? Would I feel attached? Would the child feel attached?

And then beyond that, Am I a monster that this question even crosses my mind?

Being a psychologist, I've asked a couple of therapists about it and they've basically said, however the baby arrives, you love it with all your heart once it gets here.

That's certainly what I would hope. And it sounds good and Disney happy ending.

One of my former supervisors, a wonderfully warm clinical psychologist who adopted 15 years ago from Russia, chose to be very candid with me about his experience. When I asked him if he immediately loved the little Russian girl he and his wife brought home, he said no. He said he felt a desire to care for her physically because of her absolute dependence on them. But that the love part took awhile. That it was a few months later - when he let go of her stroller for a moment and it rolled a few inches forward on the sidewalk toward NYC traffic - that he felt the first surge of fierce, throw yourself in front of a bus, love. And I know he loves her the same fierce way now that she is an adolescent, as he fights hard to find the right educational and therapeutic environment to help her deal with emotional and cognitive deficits resulting from malnutrition and institutionalization as an infant.

But the article got me thinking. And made me wonder about people's experience with this.

What do you think about the bonding process in adoption? Is it the same? Is it different? How so? Any personal experiences you'd care to share?

I know it's a touchy subject - so if you'd rather comment anonymously (constructive comments only!) - go for it.

Mo

From donor embryos to Ethiopia: Tales from an adoption conference

Finally, here's the what's what on the adoption conference we attended at the end of November:

There were hundreds of attendees and 90 different talks to choose from, so Will and I split up and attended some different talks throughout the day to get a sense of things.

We don't know whether we're even headed to adoption as a next step, should IVF #6 be a bust, but just in case, we wanted to arm ourselves with as much info as possible.

Here's the scoop on what we learned:

Talk #1: China's waiting child program - super long waits at this point to adopt from China unless you get a "special needs" child. "Special needs" can mean everything from cleft lip/palate to heart defect to club foot/feet to Chronic Hep B, etc. You can specify what you can deal with and wait times are reduced considerably.
What did we think? Kind of an attractive option. Since we're medical folks, we aren't intimidated by some of the medical issues (cognitive issues scare us more). Three of our nephews are half-Japanese/half-Caucasian descent so an Asian child would have cousins who look similar (and who are learning Mandarin at school), which is a plus.

Talk #2: Private domestic adoption - Listened to attorney discuss private adoption. Legalities differ from state to state, depending on where birthmom is. You place your own ads and hope for the best. You also pay birthmom's medical expenses and in some states living expenses. If she changes her mind, you're out of luck.
What did we think? Kind of scared me, honestly. After all of our losses, the idea of meeting a birthmom and getting attached to the idea that I would be able to parent the child she is carrying and then possibly having that child NOT go home with us...well, it makes me want to puke. Not sure I can do it. Somehow, although I know many people have happy stories to tell about it, this one felt really iffy to me.

Talk #3: Ethiopian adoption - Discussion by two large agencies on status of their orphanages and how their programs work. Thought wait times for this country might be less but they still hover around 2 years - unless you go the "special needs" route. Bummer.
What did we think? Things are rough enough in Ethiopia in terms of poverty and malnutrition that it would really feel like we would be making a huge impact on a child's life to adopt them from here, which appeals. Liked that the two orphanages discussed have small staff:child ratios and good nutrition. Really liked that you often get to meet the birthmom or family and can take photos, video, etc., which you could then share with child to help them understand where they came from, and that you can often stay in touch with birthmom/family sending letters/cards (no money/goods allowed). But the malnutrion/parasite/infection issues sounded alarming.

Talk #4: International adoption medical review - International adoption physician spoke about common medical and cognitive issues with international adoptees. He said that the kids have lots of physical issues (parasites, malnutrition, delayed growth and motor abilities, etc.) as well as cognitive issues (50-75% have cognitive delays). Basically, the way he put it, all international adoptees are special needs kids. So the ones labeled special needs have problems on top of problems. At the end of his talk, he said, "Most of these kids should eventually be able to hold a job as adults. And that's all you really want as a parent, really."
What did we think? Um, "holding a job" actually isn't all we hope for for our kids. Yikes! Of course, we'll love our kids no matter what but we hope for the best for them. Bottom line, this talk scared the bejeevers out of us in terms of international adoption. It was really hard to get a sense of whether we could expect our kid(s) to ever be able to approximate "catching up" over the years or how longlasting the impact of malnutrition, orphanage conditions, etc. would be. And the need for these kids is really great. No easy answers.

Talk #5: Embryo adoption - Not really "adoption" in the legal sense of the word, but this one was a talk on how to find donated embryos - supposedly there are a lot out there through various agencies and clinics. You have to do a homestudy and apparently sometimes you write an intended parent profile and the embryos' family "picks" you. Some of these are open arrangements to some degree, so that your child can know their genetic siblings. Costs are much less than donor egg, which is a plus.
What did we think? Intriguing option. Sort of cool, sort of another loss, to image that Will's genetics would no longer be a part of this. Questions about the religious/right-to-life agenda of some of the agencies. Don't want to support anything that might ultimately lead to narrowing options to women trying to conceive or deal with an unwanted pregnancy. We're Catholic, but obviously not too strictly practicing or we would never have done IVF (since it's verboten). Feel sort of excited and frightened by prospect of child knowing their genetic sibs. Also feel absolutely terrified about the gamble of adoptiong embryos (although apparently many are from donor eggs, which helps). Wouldn't the family have already used the best embryos to create their family? What if whatever is left doesn't work? We've made almost 40 embryos ourselves and have no kids. So, it's a scary prospect to gamble yet again.

So, overall, what did we learn? We learned we need to research a lot more as well as explore our own hearts to figure out where to go from here. There are many ways to adopt a child, from the blastocyst stage on up, but they involve what feels like considerable risk in terms of what that poor child may have gone through before they come to us and how that may strongly impact the person they will become. All of the options would require us to tolerate a great deal of uncertainty, which if anything as we've gone through IVF, has gotten harder for me. I feel like if I'm giving up on the idea of my genetic child, then getting a child should be an easy, straightforward process with minimal risk. But - ha! - of course, it is not. It looks to be a whole other roller coaster.

If you have any knowledge of any of these options, please chime in - the more the merrier. One thing I learned at the conference is that for me, hearing about specific situations trumps the abstract in terms of feeling more clearheaded about these options any day.

Thoughts? Experiences? Speak up!

Mo