Conversation 6 weeks before due date

Mo: So it appears we may be having a baby in a little over a month. Does it feel real to you?

Will: No. Not at all. I really cannot fathom it.

Mo: Doesn't feel real to me either.

[sit beside each other in silence on the couch for a bit]

...

Mo: Do you think that's how most first-time parents feel?

...

[silence]

Mo: Or do you think we're sort of fucked up because of our history?

...

Will: I think it's probably common, but I also think we're pretty fucked up.

...

Mo: Probably, huh? I guess it will feel more real after she gets here.

[sit beside each other in silence on the couch, holding hands]



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Wednesdays with Will: sanctuaries

I took this picture one evening near a restaurant on the far east side of Manhattan (suitably called the Water Club since it overlooks the East River). The "sanctuary" is easy to miss as it holds two tiny trees and no bird houses. At the time I had two thoughts: either this was a successful foray into dry humor or it was an honest gift from one of the many millions of us NYers who live in even smaller abodes.

Anyway, I was thinking about sanctuaries today when I was at the gym. For me, the gym has become a sanctuary of sorts. I don't have my blackberry and I can't aimlessly surf the net. I love to listen to audiobooks and this gives me a chance to spend a solid hour with just myself. To be honest, I have never in the past been a gym rat, but this year, I've begun to love doing strength training and aerobics. And, best of all, a leisurely hot shower rounds out the experience.

I guess that I am beginning to realize the importance of scheduling in dedicated "sanctuary" times for myself.

Will

Wednesdays with Will: looking toward summer

Mo will be one step closer to finishing her dissertation today. It is kind of nice that it will coincide with the beginning of summer as we have been looking forward to making plans. We have tons of "weekend" getaway ideas and would like one big "blow-out" vacation. Yesterday I was talking with a friend who is not familiar with the financial toll IVF has have taken. He asked me to give him two reasons why we shouldn't take a big trip this summer. I smiled and quickly responded "cost and cost". He reminded me that absolutely that is not a good enough reason. He is right.

So what do we want for a vacation? Adventure, inspiration, vastness, sun, and each other.
No matter where we go we will have a blast. And who knows, maybe this will be our last chance before a baby. Either way, we need to live now.

We'd love to hear about any cool trips you all have planned...

Will

The fat lady sings

Our RE called Mo this afternoon to confirm that the beta HCG levels are continuing to drop. Another miscarriage is imminent. The RE says that we should presume that the loss is due to chromosomal defects.

Over the phone, Mo and I just checked in to see how we felt. "I don't know," we seemed to say in unison. But we do know. It's that terrible, familiar feeling. Loss. A feeling kind of beyond language. We've been sitting together in silence on the phone a lot since Monday. Both working way too much. No words for what we're going through.

We are not sure what's next and not sure we even want to touch on that just yet. We'll give it a few hours, a few days, a few weeks or whatever it takes.

We are planning to wander around the Metropolitan Museum of Art later this afternoon. Maybe the paintings and sculpture will express visually some of the things we're unable to verbally. It will be good to be together, wandering the galleries. It's something we haven't done in a while. Just taking a break and being together will be healing since we've only had about a total of an hour "together time" in the past several days with work and everything else.

An afternoon of art and then dinner, together. We'll figure it out from there.

Will

Wednesdays with Will - Lilacs and Baboons

I have been thinking a lot about lilacs and baboons the past few days.

Mo and I have been busy - we are normally busy but this (especially for Mo) is on the verge of ridiculous. Anyway, I was walking through Central Park the other day, and the path I was on had a natural canopy of lilacs. You couldn't help but smile at the incredible smells. While the saying goes that you actually need to stop, sometimes it seems you don't have to. With all this craziness going on, we need to at least be open to the nice things all around us, it doesn't have to take work.

The baboons are another story. When Mo and I were on safari in Kenya about two years ago, we really wanted to see baboons. Each day, however, no baboons were to be found. But then we made a siting of one lone baboon in a tree. As our Range Rover drew closer, we found that they were actually about 15 in number. There were mommas and papas, uncles, aunts, and of course children. There was a lot of playing, arguing, cajoling, fighting, and moments of tenderness. But what really struck me was that there seemed to be no grudges. If you got dropped, you might scream and punch, but within a few minutes things were back as they were.

I think I have lilacs and baboons in my head because I am learning that today is the future I pondered years ago. That holding on to things and begruding the crappy things in my life have done little more than occupied my time. For sure I will still feel the anxiety and frustrations of work and IVF, but hopefully I can learn to dust off my fur and get back to the real work of now and enjoy some of the lilacs along the way.

Will

Wednesdays with Will - Dilemma

Work has been busy (which I am grateful for), so I spent my day off doing errands and going to appointments. One of my appointments today was with my therapist. It's a long story about how and why I see her, but I can tell you it has been positively life-changing.

I always look forward to our meetings. Today was no different. But near the mid-point of our session she dropped a bomb: "I'm pregnant."

Ugh. She did tell me in a very professional way, so no qualms there. We talked a bit about how I felt (shocked, speechless) and discussed what that means about our relationship. I'm not sure, honestly. I am feeling a bunch of different emotions that are all over the map.

I sort of feel that I am losing the only other person aside from Mo who knows me intimately. I never thought I was that attached to her. Heck, if you had told me a few years ago I would be in therapy, I would have called you crazy.

My therapist and I will continue to discuss the complexities of our changing relationship and I will somehow decide what is best for me. After all, this is one of the few things in life that is all about me.

I am curious as to your thoughts/reactions. How would you feel in my situation? Do you think you could/would keep seeing your therapist?

Will

Wednesdays with Will - Spring is here!

For some reason Easter felt different this year. It has been kind of nice that both Easter and Passover have overlapped because it seems that like me, alot of my friends and colleagues are celebrating the beginning of Spring. Whether you are celebrating coming out of the desert or the resurrection, and whether or not you subscribe to either faith to the letter of the law, it is the perfect time to reassess where you are.

Crap, it has been a hell of a year here in our tiny abode, not to mention the U.S. But there are a lot of things to be grateful for and a lot of things I am excited to brush off and start working on anew. New Year's marks the day to start a new year. The Spring seems like the time to start getting outside and start living.

On Sunday I went to see my nephew playing Little League - the ballfield in Riverside Park overlooks the Hudson and there is this neat portion of an elevated highway that was never finished. I love to stare at it and try to figure out how things would be different if they had finished it. It's a strange reminder that it's important to just start something; the destination is not the end all.

Have a great week and enjoy the beginning of the Spring.

Will

Wednesdays with Will: crunching the numbers

Early this morning at the gym I was on the elliptical. I noticed halfway through my workout that I had covered up the screen on the machine with my towel. I had never done that before (although I've seen others do it) and realized that I am just too darn tired of making sense of all the data.
When Mo and I were at the RE for our latest second opinion, he showed us this enormous chart showing various statistical endpoints for centers around the US. Both of us leaned forward like researchers being shown a secret code. Instead, it was just a bunch of numbers. It was then that I realized that while all of our research has been extremely useful, in the end it can point to the direction we should take, but there will be no "ah-hah" moment.
I like what this RE said. There is no stone uncovered. There is no "right" answer. Ultimately, we need to find a physician we respect and feel comfortable with. In his opinion, that is the right answer. Given our experiences thus far with our center and doctor, that is reassuring.
So, we will forge ahead with a new cycle. With another expert opinion under our belt, it is nice to know that we don't have our head in the sand. Our current RE said he doesn't forecast chances of success/failure past the current cycle and I guess we won't either.
Will

Wednesdays with Will - The Mood Ring

(Disclosure: photo is of Will's hand!)

For Mo's last birthday, I bought her a mood ring (it was the faux-gift of a larger present). We were headed on vacation and I thought it would be a fun way to signify that we were finally letting loose a bit. I had forgotten about it until the other day when we were sitting in a diner, a post-meet-with-our-RE ritual we have going on. We try to process what has been discussed and how we want to proceed. In the midst of sipping our coffees, Mo looked at me and said, "But what do you think we should do?"

An honest question, but one I sometimes have a suprisingly difficult time answering. With all of these IVF dilemmas I am caught trying to figure out: 1) What does Mo want to do, 2) What is good for us as a couple, 3) Is there a right thing to do (mixed into this are social norms and expectations)? Somewhere along the line my own emotions must get caught up in this stream of anxiety and subsequently muddled. To complicate matters, it isn't my body that is undergoing the surgery, the daily needle sticking, and the ultrasounds.

For some decisions in life, one person in the relationship can abdicate most of the power without much ill effects - "I trust you, please make a decision that reflects both of our values." Mo and I do this all the time when it comes to things like charity, savings, vacations and the like.

IVF takes both of us to weigh in on choices. Mo needs me and I need her to navigate this river.

Does this happen with you and your spouse? Any suggestions for how to label your own needs, thoughts, desires before they become entangled in the needs of your spouse or the needs of others?

Will