Partial wean from an exclusive pumper's perspective

Over here in Mo and Will and Magpie Land, we are several days into weaning my left breast. It is emotionally so difficult to close up shop on this tricky breast, but I won't miss the fevers and constant blocked ducts.

My doctor suggested I take the opportunity while on antibiotics to do this weaning, and so I've been working at it for several days.

The process is fairly simple physically...although emotionally, it's a whole other story. Basically, because I'd been so sick, my supply was way down already, and when I resumed my every three hour pumping schedule, I only pumped for 15 minutes on that side. Then every day or every other day (depending on how uncomfortable I've been physically), I've cut down each pump time by 3-4 minutes on the left breast. I go the full amount of time (approximately 30 minutes) on the other breast. I'm down now to four minutes on the left breast, and it produces very little milk in that amount of time. Just pumping on the right breast makes milk let down from the left, though, so that I get about 10 mls just leaking out from that. Not sure how long that will go on for, as I plan tomorrow or the next day to stop pumping on the left side entirely.

So that's the physical part of this. Emotionally, it is so difficult to take actions that reduce my hard-won milk supply, and will eventually stop it on that side. I put in a great deal of effort to get my supply up enough to feed Magpie, particularly challenging for me because she never did really latch on at all. Everything in me emotionally tells me it is wrong to stop pumping from that breast. That my baby needs my food. It must be hardwired, some primal mama thing, because it is soooo powerful. I have to remind myself every time I shut off the pump prematurely why I am doing this. And talk myself out of the idea of, "Maybe now it won't be so bad. Let me try it one more time." I have to remind myself I have tried, and I've gotten mastitis six times, each time more quickly than the time before. I have to tell myself we were headed nowhere good with this. That I needed to stop.

So here we are. At the moment, I'm making about three ounces on the right breast most pumping sessions, which is not enough to feed Ms. Magpie. Once I've fully weaned from the left breast, my doctor said I should wait a couple of days and then can restart the domperidone I was previously taking. With it she thinks I might be able to get my supply up higher. I will try it very cautiously. I think taking the domperidone is part of what has made me susceptible to mastitis. I can't find anything on Google suggesting a link, but it is a suspicion of mine. So I will try the domperidone again, but we are expecting to have to supplement with donor milk or formula. Fortunately these other options exist.

In other news, we are currently on our first real vacation as a family of three! It has been a lot of fun. A real logistical adventure, to be sure! I will post about our time away soon.

But for now, just sign me

Uniboob (Mo)

Click here to subscribe

Pump, wean, or supplement, Oh My! A response

My last post drew a lot of comments - thanks for your thoughts and for taking the time to share them. And thanks for keeping the comments mostly constructive. I know this is a really hot button issue. As such, I wanted to share my thoughts on some of yours:

First of all, thank you for all of you who wrote in about successfully feeding using only one breast. Reading your stories was inspiring and encouraging. All I can say is I'll give it my best shot. If I could make enough milk for Magpie with just the one breast, that would be awesome. It had honestly not occurred to me that that could be a possibility.

Jenny F. Scientist, PhD: Thanks for sharing your story on your use of long-term antibiotics to prevent recurrent mastitis. I talked to my doctor and she recommended against it due to the risk of developing C.diff or another related infection. So that'll be a no go for me. So glad it worked for you!

Amy and Alexicographer: Thanks for the warning about inflammatory breast cancer. Scary stuff. I didn't realize the ultrasound I had last week might not have picked it up. I know the chances I have IBC are slim but not none, so I will speak to my doctor about how to rule it out.

Dora: The major downside to combo feeding from the beginning of a baby's life is the increased risk of allergies because of the introduction of foreign proteins (cow's milk or soy) into the baby's immature "open" gut (see this well-written explanation regarding the importance of delaying solids for infants for the same reason). As I understand it, this risk gets smaller and smaller as the baby ages. You're completely right otherwise, the addition of some breast milk to formula is a great solution and gives a child all those yummy immune factors, making combo feeding very appealing.

Shannon and MaybelB: Hormones, yup. Got those going on, big time. I've never felt so driven by them in all my life, so...um...animal....Thanks for pointing out the role they may be playing in my decision-making right now. I wouldn't be surprised. I am humbled by them, but will try not to be just swept away by them. Also, the sleep deprivation...that does a number as well on my rational thinking abilities. Not a good thing. I miss sleep.

zerodoll and Becky: Thank you for sending info on milk sharing. What an awesome thing that these communities are forming! At the moment, I'm not comfortable with it, however, because of the slim risk of viral and bacterial contamination. I know the risk is very small, but it's still too frightening for me.

Where I'm at today:

I am in the process of weaning the left breast while on antibiotics. My doctor gave me two more courses to have on hand in case I have a recurrence while I start and complete the weaning process on that side. I am sad to do this. It feels so final, and I had so hoped to find another solution. But I, and my family, can't afford me continually getting sick with such high fevers. Enough is enough.

I purchased banked donor milk Friday to supplement and get us hopefully to Magpie's four month birthday. Yes, I'm aware that pasteurized donor milk is lacking some of the benefits of fresh, but you do what you can.  Perhaps my supply will have increased enough by Magpie's four month birthday that I can make up for the loss of the left breast's milk. I doubt it. I expect to combo feed with breast milk and formula after that point. If I could, I would eek it out with exclusive breast milk to six months and then happily combo feed with formula upon the introduction of solids, but I'm not expecting to be able to make it that far with exclusive breast milk and the banked milk is too expensive and difficult to obtain to be anything but a short-term solution. So we'll see, but I'm expecting we'll be a combo feeding family soon enough. Any thoughts or recommendations on the healthiest/best  formulas is most welcome.

Finally, I wanted to respond to Anon and Carrie and anyone else offended by my post:

I'm very sorry you were offended or annoyed by my post or felt that I was disparaging formula feeding. I wouldn't want anyone who needed or chose to use formula to feel badly. I was merely trying to express my struggle with my personal situation.

To respond to a few specifics:

• "You are really sort of making anyone who has ever used formula feel like you think they are an abusive parent." 

• "What EXACTLY are all of these terrible, scary, no-good, very bad things that so many of you believe will happen to a baby upon having formula touch her lips, and that will render her forever identifiable as a (insert shameful whispery voice here) "formula-fed baby?""

I never said there were any "terrible, scary, no good, very bad things" or that anyone who chose/needed to use formula was "abusive" in my post.

In fact, I said, "Thank God for formula. It is a lifesaver."

We NEED to have formula. I am grateful it exists. I am taking a trip with Magpie and Will this week and we will have formula with us...just in case. That said, breast milk has been demonstrated to have anti-allergic, anti-neoplastic, and immune-enhancing properties.

This does not make anyone "bad" or or "abusive" for using formula and does not make formula "evil." It does make me want to explore avenues to continue to offer Magpie breast milk while she is so little, exclusively, if I am able.

My personal situation is my own. I had cancer, as did both of my siblings, all before we turned 40. Will and I both have asthma. We both have eczema. There are major food allergy issues, again also on both sides of our families. None of these things were "caused" by formula, but they are our personal vulnerabilities. I am motivated to want to reduce the likelihood that Magpie might experience any of these things if I am able.  I realize that she may have to struggle with any or all of them anyway, but I would like to try.

It is a shame that the issue of baby feeding has become so contentious in our culture that one person's wish to continue feeding with breast milk feels like an attack on others. It wasn't meant to be, and so if it felt that way, I apologize. We all want the same thing: to love our hard-won kids the best we can at each moment in time.

Mo

photo credit: americanmusicpreservation.com

Click here to subscribe

It was the breast of times, it was the worst of times

We took Magpie to the pediatrician yesterday. She continues on her track, tenth percentile, steady as she goes. Her head and length are both 40th percentile. The pedi agreed her muscle tone is "at the high end of normal" and said an eval with a physical therapist would not be a bad idea, so I will be pursuing that soon.  Everything else checked out just fine with her - she is rolling from front to back and back to front, holding up her head pretty well, "tripoding," reaching for things, cooing, following us with her eyes and head.

On the home front, though, things have been a bit rough. I had a mild case of mastitis last week. I talked to one of my doctors about it and they suggested an ultrasound was in order, because five bouts of mastitis in three months - all in one breast - is a lot of mastitis. So I got that and luckily there was nothing major, but it did show that some of my ducts on the affected (infected?) breast are "knuckled," and basically go in one direction and then bend backward the other way, offering, the radiologist said, lots of opportunity for kinks and clots. So boo. The other breast has nice ducts that flow like rivers toward the nipple.

not me

As though to drive home the point that my left breast is doomed, I promptly got another clogged duct later that day (Tuesday) and by that night, I'd developed mastitis again. Yup, that's six times now in three months. This time's infection came with a raging 103.8 degree fever. Fortunately my mom was here visiting and took care of Magpie for the day I was completely out of commission, but yowza. Adding insult to injury I'd developed some kind of GI issue (food poisoning? mild gastroenteritis?) and was holding my painful belly and yeching Tuesday night. The next morning I was too afraid to eat to even take an ibuprofen, and so delayed the antibiotics, etc., until that afternoon, despite the growing fever. So it is now the wee hours of Friday morning as I'm typing this, and I'm feeling better today. The breast is sore but not exquisitely so like Wednesday. Half of it is still beet red and hot to the touch. The skin now feels like it is a different texture from my other skin - somehow this infection, or the heat of it?, has affected that as well.

So I'm pretty much at my breaking point. I think I'm going to have to wean off of this breast or risk ongoing, escalating illness. To say I am sad about this doesn't even begin to cover it. Providing the food the Magpie has needed to eat has been a singular joy for me and has felt so vitally important.

So I told the pedi all this and that I didn't think I would make enough milk without the left breast and she handed me a package of formula. Hypoallergenic formula since major allergies, asthma, and eczema run in both Will's and my families, but still formula.

I took it.

Sheepishly, unhappily, I took it.

And I thought I would be ok with it, I really did, but the more I thought about it, the less ok I felt. Right after Magpie was born, when my milk was slow to come in, I looked into human donor milk. It is available, but it is ghastly expensive ($5 per ounce). So I had ruled it out and haven't considered it since. But today I thought...well, wait a minute...I'd just need to top off with the donor milk hopefully...and we've gotten to three months, so getting to four months is only 16 days away...getting to six months 60ish days after that, but way closer than it was before. So I am looking into it.

I'm also looking into milk sharing programs. I'm much less comfortable with this, but it's also significantly cheaper (approximately $1-$2 per ounce). The worry there is that the donor would have some undisclosed medication they are taking that could harm Magpie or that they are infected with an illness they could pass along (HIV, syphilis, HTLV, Hepatitis, etc.). I would ask for testing (and pay for it) if I were going to work with someone, but they could still engage in some risky behavior after that and get infected, and well...it makes me nervous. The cost however, has me considering that if I could find someone I felt comfortable with, it could be a way to eek out the next two and a half months of exclusive breastfeeding I had been so hoping for for Ms. Magpie.

It's tough. Will is not on my side with this. He thinks I should have stopped pumping and fed formula long ago and he is not inclined to be very supportive about it now. And I feel just as strongly that breast milk is important if there's any way I can provide it, and if I can't, well, so be it, but that it's worth looking into all of the possibilities to see what we might be able to come up with. I keep thinking that this is such a short period of time, two and a half more months!, that could help Magpie out for a lifetime. How can I not look at every option to offer her what is the normal and most appropriate food for babies? Thank God for formula - it is a life saver. But the fact that it is more convenient or cheaper is not compelling to me.

My strong desire for continuing with breast milk is based on my understanding of the policy statement published by the American Academy of Pediatrics in March 2012. Will reads it entirely differently than I do, but I thought they presented some cogent, data-driven arguments about the short and long-term health benefits of a minimum of four...and even better six....months of exclusive breast milk (breast milk via breast would be, by far, more superior healthwise, but alas, that is not to be.)

So I'm wrestling with recovering from illness and with some marital discord around this feeding issue (I know I probably sound crazy regarding it - Will certainly thinks so). But the girl is growing and time is passing. Tomorrow is another day. Let the left-sided weaning begin.

Mo

Click here to subscribe

Littlest girl

Magpie is now 3 months old and just hit 11 pounds. She is little. But she wasn't born little. She started life at the 50th percentile (8.1 lbs) and has been steadily dropping ever since. She is now down to the 10th percentile. We have been able to keep her from dropping further through valiant efforts.

She is beautiful, but she has not been much of an eater. Breastfeeding has been a complete bust. Despite many, many meetings with a lactation consultant, she was not able to drink from the breast. Bottle feeding (with my pumped milk) was also not going so great - she had a hard time getting the milk from there as well. Along the way, we tried the starter SNS, full-size SNS, the Haberman bottle, and most recently are using the Playtex Nurser bottle. And we've gone from an every 2 hour eating schedule to an every 3 hour one (we briefly tried a four hour schedule, but abandoned it after one day because it took her over an hour to eat).

photo credit: http://www.etsy.com/shop/abbyjac?ref=seller_info

Our lactation consultant finally recommend we see another lactation consultant who is a sucking specialist since Magpie was having so much trouble consuming her calories no matter  how we tried. And then this specialist recommended we travel to Connecticut to see a speech language pathologist ("I refer the most difficult cases to her" - ouch!). We've seen this person twice.

Apparently Ms. Magpie is missing some of the reflexes that would help her suck. Her tongue has continued to be tied despite three frenotomies, so poor girl endured a fourth one last week. We are doing exercises with her daily to help her learn to use her mouth and tongue and to develop those areas better. This specialist also wants Magpie to be evaluated by a physical therapist because she is worried about her muscle tone - she feels Magpie is too rigid.

All along she has been gaining approximately 0.5 ounces a day, which the pediatrician says is acceptable for her at three months. It was apparently not acceptable prior to this, when she should have gained 1-1.5 ounces daily, so she missed a lot of potential growth during the first three months. We go back to the pedi tomorrow for a check up, so we will see what she has to say about her at that point, and also what she thinks about a physical therapist evaluation.

Who ever knew it could be so difficult to feed a baby? And breastfeeding, ha ha! A complete disaster. I'm fairly established with the pumping at this point, although Will really wants me to stop because I keep coming down with mastitis (five times with it so far...all in one breast). I think it is vitally important, though, for Ms. Magpie and really want to keep it up as long as I am able. I want to try to do the very best I can by her. She was and is so wanted. Who am I to give up on her with the most nutritious food just because she has so much trouble eating? So I am trying to keep it going, day by day, feed by feed.

Magpie is absolutely lovely, just small. And I am so thrilled to be her Mama.

Mo

Click here to subscribe

My breasts, my nemeses

I am currently down for the count with my third bout of mastitis in Magpie's short two months of life. My left breast looks angry, the skin hot to the touch and reddened, extending up under my arm. I am achy and febrile. I am on antibiotics again (I will have taken more than 30 days of antibiotics for mastitis by the end of this round). Caring for Magpie at the moment is out of the question. Thank goodness for Will.

I never realized how debilitating these infections were prior to having Magpie. They last approximately two to three days, and I spike a high fever (~103-104) and have severe pain in the affected breast. It makes it very difficult to pump (but of course stopping in the midst of it is not an option because I would become engorged and only make the blockage situation worse). The intensity of symptoms means that I have had to ask for or hire help to care for Magpie each time. I don't know if I am particularly vulnerable to this type of infection for some anatomical reason, but it stinks.

The multiple episodes of mastitis (not to mention the multiple blocked ducts a week that I manage to clear prior to their developing into an infection) are just some of the many aspects of trying to give Magpie breast milk that have been a challenge. She has major problems with sucking, either from my breast or from a bottle, and so ours is, at least for now, an exclusive pumping relationship, and not an easy one.

Not how I thought it would be. And yet, so far at least, I can't give up on it. It seems so important to try to give her breast milk. Beyond the basic research on the subject (which on my more cynical days I might call almost propaganda), my personal reasons include my and my family's cancer history, my gestational diabetes history while carrying Magpie, and perhaps the fact that I and my siblings were not breastfed and have had some significant medical issues along the way (which of course we might have had anyway...who knows). I have the hope that I can offer Magpie some protections against these things by breastfeeding. Also that it will help me not develop type II diabetes (which after the GD I am at risk for) or breast cancer, which I am also at higher than usual risk for.

Not sure if this is supposed to be encouraging or admonishing

I tell myself that at least while I am on maternity leave, feeding and nurturing Magpie is my sole responsibility, and so it doesn't matter how hard it is. I tell myself that I went to great lengths to have her and that I want to give her "the best," no matter what. That perhaps to go an easier route would signify a lack of gratitude for her (some version of the "you made your bed, now lie in it" adage).

It boils down to another case of Mo's ridiculous persistence when all evidence points to stopping something (which of course has been reinforced in the past...most notably with the creation of Magpie herself). Or framed another way, it boils down to my intense focus on regret management. No matter the amount of acute suffering in the moment with the efforts to extract the milk from my breasts and get it into my beautiful daughter's body, I worry that if I stop "prematurely," I will look back later in her life and regret it. And what would constitute stopping prematurely for me? Prior to three months? Prior to six months? Prior to one year? I'm not sure, and honestly, I try not to think about it, because imagining going through this for any of those lengths of time feels undoable. So I don't look ahead, I just get through the next day of pumping and feeding. We're a one day at a time pumping and feeding family.

I also feel so aware of and grateful that I've been able to produce enough milk for Magpie to drink. So many of my friends and fellow bloggers have struggled mightily with this, having to supplement due to PCOS or insufficient glandular tissue or bad advice at the beginning of their attempts to breastfeed. That I am actually making what Magpie needs to eat (and some), is huge, particularly given the fact that she has never been able to latch on and that I didn't get started pumping until she was about 10 days old because of poor advice from the lactation consultants in the hospital after her birth. It feels selfish to squander this gift of milk we've been given when one of my dear friends pumped every three hours around the clock for nine long months to give her son 3 ounces of breast milk daily and the rest formula. She's a neuropsychologist (and knows her research) and felt it was that important to try to give him even a small amount of breast milk. I, on the other hand, am able to pump 3 ounces for each feeding, sometimes significantly more during the overnight hours. To just quit after working so hard  - and being so lucky - to get to this point feels foolish.

And yet...

This is tough, folks. Capital T Tough. And no one seems to talk about it. Instead, I read that breastfeeding is normal and natural and easier than formula feeding. I read Dr. Spock's advice that most women can successfully breastfeed if they give it a fair trial (i.e., if they just try hard enough). Well. Huh. I guess I'm not trying hard enough, because despite consultations with numerous professionals and 11 weeks of daily attempts, we are not breastfeeding and I am struggling mightily with exclusively pumping.

At the moment, I hate my breasts. I feel I am a prisoner to them. I am also extremely grateful for the milk they are producing. But who knew it would be so hard!

I'm sure when my fever passes, things won't seem as overwhelming.  But this is where things stand today.

Off to pump again and then rest. Hoping this fever clears soon.

Mo

Click here to subscribe

The first 6 weeks postpartum: some hard realities

I wanted to post about some of the harder realities of my transition to new motherhood. This time has been filled with many wonderous moments, grant you (please don't ever mistake that!), which I hope some of my previous posts have conveyed, but there have also been a number of difficult ones. Some of our lack of preparedness is because we couldn't really imagine we were having a baby until... well... we had the baby. I "knew" that we appeared to be having a living child, but emotionally, after six consecutive losses, it was a different story. Even up to the day of the induction, it felt dangerous to presume we were taking home a baby. That may sound strange, but we've had so much loss, it just felt perilous. And so my preparations - both  physically in terms of buying necessary baby things - and psychological - were a bit on the scanty side. Whatever your loss history, having a baby is a watershed experience. Somewhat of a "You don't know until you know." And everyone's experience is different. Add to that strong cultural mores that you are "supposed" to be only thrilled and happy.

If baby is healthy, then the rest doesn't matter. Right?

Right?

Well, I'd argue that if baby is not healthy, nothing else matters, but that it is ok to have feelings about the way things go down in your labor and delivery and postpartum. And I'm going to write about it, in case it is helpful to someone else:

Physical recovery after c-section: I had no idea about what to expect, because, well, I wasn't planning on having a c-section. In fact, I was naively certain I wouldn't need one (ha! ha!) because my provider has such a low c-section rate and I was so prepared to give birth (ha again!). But a c-section was needed (more on this when I share our birth story). So in addition to the emotional adjustment to the reality I found myself in, I was also very surprised to find that the initial few weeks after a c-section leave you pretty helpless physically. Initially, I was unable to roll over and had trouble getting up from a sitting position. I couldn't lift Magpie if she was in a bassinet beside the bed, which made it tough to room-in in the hospital unless Will or someone else was there at all times. All of this was magnified by the fact that Will's paternity leave was eradicated by Hurricane Sandy, as he was called into the hospital basically as soon as I was discharged home. Magpie and I were on our own. And we were physically not ready for it.

Emotional recovery after c-section: Also rough. I was sad about the way our labor and Magpie's arrival went. It felt chaotic and scary and I missed a number of things that I had looked forward to. I remember during the c-section, right before everything went to hell in a handbasket and the anesthesia failed, hearing a baby cry after they pulled her from my belly. And I thought, literally,

What is that sound? 
Oh, it's a baby. 
Why is there a baby crying in the operating room?
And then a few moments later...puzzled...Oh - that's our baby?!

It all felt so disconnected. I don't know her Apgars, I didn't get to see the placenta or umbilical cord (which I had wanted to), I never saw Magpie until she was all nicely cleaned and wrapped and hatted maybe 10 or 15 minutes later. I had moments of disbelief days later, this crazy idea that she had not actually come from inside of me. Maybe they had a room full of babies somewhere in labor and delivery and they'd just brought her into the OR to us from another room. Ludicrous, of course.

When one of a parade of lactation consultants came to the house and suggested I strip Magpie naked to weigh her before feeding, I stripped her to her diaper. When the woman commented to take off the diaper, I almost said, "But she came like this." The idea of my daughter naked felt odd for quite a while, as I hadn't seen her naked for days after her birth.

Talking to friends later, one asked, "Did you just have the most incredible high after giving birth?" The answer is no. I felt wrecked physically and emotionally. I'd been through 36 hours of labor and a rough c-section due to the anesthesia problem. When my friend asked that, it amplified some of the losses I was already processing from having had Magpie delivered in the way that she was.

I want to say that I don't think I was entitled to some wonderous type of birth experience, or that I expected my body to "know" how to give birth (which I've read people say), or anything of the sort. Obviously my body didn't "know" how to get pregnant, stay pregnant, get un-pregnant...and the list goes on. And thankfully, with medical technology, we've been able to overcome multiple hurdles along the way. But there was still a sense of loss with the way things went. I had strongly hoped to deliver vaginally, and I hadn't expected a c-section, if needed, to be so sudden and abrupt and without any of the human side of things as it was (in a non-emergency situation). I had thought there would still be some excitement: an announcement of "Here she is!" rather than no acknowledgement the doctors had her out and then hearing her faint disconnected and disembodied cry from across the room. I certainly didn't expect to have so much pain during the operation itself. I've moved on, mostly, and Magpie is certainly incredible however she got here, but there was an emotional loss.

Hormones/Mood: All I can say is Wow. This has all straightened itself out now but those first few weeks. Oh. My. I felt like some kind of combo animal-child. So emotional that I would burst into tears talking to Will. Not always unhappy, sometimes just moved, literally, to tears, but really, really intense emotions all around. I am someone who feels things very deeply but tends to keep a good lid on it. And in addition to deep emotions, I am strongly rational, and I tend to lead with the rational (or try to). For me, immediately postpartum, that went out the window.  I was a ball o' emotion. I felt needy and shaky, and...almost primitive. It didn't last that long (a little over a week?), but it was something I did not expect and haven't experienced before.

Bonding: I had realistic expectations on this I think...my psychologist friends warned me - you will be thrilled Magpie is here, but you will not immediately love her. And I didn't. She was exquisite and lovely, and I felt very protective of her, but I did not instantly love her or feel that I "knew" her. This has grown. I now look at her and can't help smiling. I look at her and am incredulous at her perfectness. At her presence. I feel a growing bond each day. But it wasn't instantaneous. Not by a long shot. I'm glad I'd been warned about this so I didn't beat myself up about it. I look at her now and am just suffused with affection for her. But it wasn't instantaneous.

Breastfeeding: I envisioned Magpie suckling at my breast, milk dripping down from the sides of her mouth. Her content, me content. I imagined myself rolling over to her co-sleeper at night and the two of us doing dream feeds. Ah bliss.

Well, not so much. Magpie never could latch on properly in the hospital. She she lost 13% of her birthweight while we were there and they mandated that I introduce formula using a supplemental nursing system (SNS) to stem her weight loss. Within a few days at home, my milk came in, I started a crazy pumping schedule, and was able to forego the formula and feed her breast milk through the tube.

But breastfeeding itself wasn't happening. Magpie's tongue was severely tied. We ended up having three procedures with an ENT to help free it up. She just plain couldn't get her mouth open enough or her tongue in the right position to eat. We limped along with the SNS for a while - a cumbersome tube taped to my breast, my nipples cracked and bleeding. Each feed took over an hour. It was brutal. But even with the SNS, she still couldn't get enough milk and wasn't gaining weight. She dropped 20 percentile points on the growth chart. I grew increasingly despairing. Finally, we introduced the Haberman feeder, a bottle made for babies with feeding issues. It's been a life saver.

But now Magpie isn't so interested in the breast. And I am fighting recurrent blocked ducts and repeated bouts of mastitis. We are still working on it. I haven't given up, but for now it's an exclusive pumping relationship. And although I am incredibly grateful to be able to provide milk for her from my body, it is not at all what I imagined...

Isolation: I am a person who loves being alone. So when I thought about my maternity leave, I looked forward to it. I did not imagine feeling so cut off from others, almost as though I am under house arrest. Some of this, no doubt, is due to the fact that my family lives across the country. But the other part is that I am really stuck in a way I hadn't anticipated. It is hard to get out - especially as an exclusive pumper (for now, at least) with our relentless every two hour feeding schedule followed by pumping. Magpie takes about an hour to eat, and then my pumping takes a good 30-40 minutes (long, I know). And then with a diaper change and some burping, it is time to eat again. The heavy hospital grade pump is not transportable. And while it is wonderful and has made giving her breast milk possible, the hospital pump means that I have to be home every three hours minimum to pump during the day.

Fatigue: This one is a no-brainer, I suppose. And it was not unexpected. I am tired. Bone tired. I knew I would be. What I didn't realize is that I would be so bad at sleep deprivation. You hear people say all the time: sleep when the baby sleeps. Well, when Magpie is sleeping, yours truly is usually pumping. There's no sleeping here. And then at night, same drill, feeding followed by pumping. There is some sleep then, but very interrupted. Something like 1 or 2 hours of sleep followed by usually about 2 hours of interruption...it is not enough sleep for a geriatric mom like myself. So still trying to come up with a better plan for this, or a better way to handle this. Not sure how long it will be until it gets a bit better, because with the pumping I'm not seeing how I could sleep through the night, even if Magpie did. And right now, I wake her to feed over night a few times because her weight gain has been so problematic. But hopefully someday....somehow...sleep....it would be so nice.

So these are some of the tougher parts of new parenthood. Some expected, some not as much. Some of these things may seem trivial, and they are. I would go through anything to be able to parent Ms. Magpie. No questions even asked. But I wanted to be honest about the tough parts in addition to all the joys. In case it is helpful to someone else heading down the same paths.

Mo


Click here to subscribe