The end of the pacifier era

When Magpie was 21 months old, we began thinking about reducing or eliminating the pacifier. We'd already cut her down to using it just during naps and overnights, with occasional use in the car (living in NYC, we don't use the car much) and on planes. Despite being consistent with this, Magpie would ask for the pacifier often, especially when upset. For some reason, she'd grown to call it "bottle" around the time we cut out bottles, and so when she was tired or unsettled, she'd start the litany: "Bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle." It almost seemed that the bottle...erm...I mean the pacifier...was making her more anxious rather than less.

Magpie has a lovey she has grown very attached to (see "Lambie" in vacation sleeping photo below). I picked Lambie as a lovey for Magpie when she was about 6 or 7 months old, and we actually have three of them that we rotate. Magpie looooves Lambie, shares food with Lambie, kisses Lambie, talks to Lambie, changes Lambie's diaper, etc. Lambie is a true friend. We hoped Lambie's presence would help with the transitioning out of the pacifier. 

Naptime in portable crib on vacation, with Lambie

But I struggled with it. I didn't want to be cruel or take away something that Magpie relied on for soothing. And I worried that she had become so used to going to sleep with the pacifier that she wouldn't be able to go to sleep without it, particularly at naptime. Truth be told, I was concerned that sans pacifier, MY CHILD MIGHT NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. Realistic? In hindsight probably not. But sleep has become an irrationally important and precious commodity for me, so I'll cut myself some slack.

On the other hand, the kid would need to move beyond the pacifier at some point. And the fact that she would launch into this perseverative request, "Bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle..." well...it was annoying. (Poor kid...if she could have just quietly used the pacifier at the appropriate times and not made such a big deal out of it, she probably could have eked out another year with the pacifier.)

Let me start by saying I don't recommend our pacifier weaning strategy. But it's how it ended up happening, and we're all still alive, so I wanted to share.

One Saturday during Magpie's 21st month, we were driving to NJ and we forgot the pacifier (OMG!). She asked for it.

Magpie: "Bottle, bottle, bottle..."

Mama: "I'm sorry sweetie, we don't have the bottle today."

Magpie: "Bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle!"

Mama: "I know. You want the bottle. But I don't have it."

Magpie: "Bottle, bottle, bottle, BOTTLE!!!!!!!"

Mama: "Let's sing a song together!! A,B,C,D..."

Magpie: "No! No! No! Bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle..."

Mama: "Hmmm... The itsy bitsy spider crawled up..."

Magpie: "No! No! No! Bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mama: "I don't have it, hon. Would you like a snack?"

Magpie: "No! No! No! NO!!! Bottle, bottle, bottle..."

Mama: "How about some milk?"

Magpie: "NO!!! BOTTLE BOTTLE BOTTLE!!!!"

Mama: "Do you want to hold mama's hand?"

Magpie: "NO!!! BOTTLE BOTTLE BOTTLE!!!!"

You get the idea. But eventually, my girl drifted off to sleep as we continued to drive. Having no pacifier with me, I couldn't cave, which I would have done at our home. And I learned in the process that Magpie could get to sleep without the pacifier.

We were out all day. Magpie had a few short naps in the car, not her typical 2.5 hour nap, but maybe three shorter naps (in hindsight, I'd frame it as her getting to practice falling asleep three times without the pacifier...and me having the opportunity three times to learn that she could).

By the end of the car ride, Will and I were thinking...WOW. We're on a roll...maybe we should just not offer the pacifier tonight and see if we can all make it through this. It's a Saturday night, so if it's terrible, we can retreat from the plan and all recover tomorrow night before the week starts.

When we got home, I ran ahead into the apartment while Will and Magpie parked the car. In breakneck speed, I purged our apartment of pacifiers. We usually kept them in a cup on a shelf in her room. I left the cup, but emptied out the pacifiers. I also searched the diaper bag, behind the crib, in the kitchen drawers and on the drying rack, and every other place I thought there might be one. God forbid our poor girl saw one (seemed akin to me having to see a chocolate cake in the house while on a diet. Unfair to the highest degree). I didn't throw them away, but stored them out of sight.

We'd bought Magpie a Dora the Explorer pajama set while we were out, which she loved, and so we introduced it into the narrative. These were her new pajamas - new big girl pajamas that she would wear instead of using the pacifier. She was excited about the pajamas. She REALLY wanted to wear those pajamas. She was not thrilled about the no pacifier part.

That night, because she hadn't had her full-length nap, she was tired. We kept her up later than usual to make sure she was very tired. When we read her her bedtime story in the rocking chair, she started up again, "Bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle, bottle!" and I told her I didn't have it (so hard to lie...). I got the cup down from the shelf and together we looked in it. It was empty. (Again, so hard to pull this slight dishonesty with her, but she seemed to accept the lack of pacifiers once she saw the empty cup). After awhile she asked to be put in her crib (she typically tells me when she's ready to be put down in the bed), so I put her in, and I sat pensively in the rocking chair in her darkened room waiting to see what would happen.

And you wouldn't believe it, but SHE FELL ASLEEP! Not only that but, she slept through the night just the same as usual.

So we decided to do the same thing the next nap and nighttime. (I also quickly ordered a few more PJ sets). And it went a bit easier than before. Within a couple of days, Magpie would ask a bit wistfully, "Bottle?" and I'd explain that we didn't have those anymore, and she'd nod.

Within a couple of weeks, she was totally over the pacifier. We have survived numerous car trips, and even two plane flights since then, and everyone has survived ok, mom and dad included.

I had no idea it would be so easy. So now we have only pictures to show us the memory of my girl using the pacifier...

With big sister Moxie

At hotel after my sister's wedding this summer, looking a bit goth

First plane ride

Rare stroller nap last winter

Sleeping perpendicularly

.

Big Girl in her Dora pajamas!

And instead we now have this amazing young lady who proudly wears Dora PJs and falls asleep on her own.

Mo

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Eye surgery, nanny crisis, and sleeping, oh my!

I had grand plans to do separate posts about these things, but haven't had a chance to get around to it. Things have been crazy here - super busy, disorganized, a bit much, honestly.

The three main contributors to the chaos are that (1) I had PRK eye correction surgery on April 4th and have had a slower than expected recovery, (2) we've had a Magpie caregiver crisis, and (3) Magpie is not sleeping through the night lately, and we are OLD, and struggling with this.

I'll start with the laser PRK surgery. It's like LASIK except that the entire cornea surface is removed rather than flipped up, so the recovery is longer. Will had it done several years ago. So did four of his family members. I've been the hold out, because I was nervous. All used the same famous surgeon as me. All had quick recoveries and all super happy with the results. I suppose I should not be surprised that I turn out to be the outlier, but...well...I had the surgery almost a month ago, and I'm still having a lot of trouble with my vision - light sensitivity, "ghosting" that means I cannot easily read or write (sometimes can't make out letters or numbers at all), and trouble seeing both far away and close up in terms of focusing. The surgeon says I'm a "slow healer" - all the other family had these symptoms for one day and were back to full speed by three. So I'm banking on this being temporary (when I imagine otherwise I tilt into full-blown panic), but in the meantime, I'm majorly hobbled in all areas of life. It is hard to go grocery shopping, let alone read scientific articles or write grants or patient medical charts. Everything takes three times as long. Work is piling up. Some things I can't do at all. So ugh.

Adding to that is Magpie's caregiver issue. We've had someone great since Magpie was 5.5 months old. Same person - she and Magpie are super attached to each other. We all have a rhythm and routines that for the work to keep the whole household in functional - and happy - shape. Well, this caregiver is 30 weeks pregnant, and texted nearly two weeks ago that she was having contractions in the middle of the night and was heading to the hospital. She was observed and discharged and took the rest of that week off, and thank goodness she and baby seem fine. She wants to return to work part-time, but we are not a part-time working family. And we cannot weather another string of days where we don't know who will be caring for Magpie the next day. Magpie is handling the upheaval pretty well but is now waking in the middle of the night for about an hour and is also crying when being put to bed, which is not her typical style. So I know she's feeling it. So after a string of people, some of whom charged as much as $25/hour cash (gasp!), we have someone filling in, a stranger to Magpie, but someone who seems good and solid and loving, and willing to fill the void until our back up nanny (well-known to Magpie and our home) returns from international travels. So all in all it's been ok, but it's amazing how much more chaotic everything is with our regular routines pulled out from under us.

After reading all of your posts re: bottle and paci weaning (thank you for those!), we tried to choose a middle path. We cut out daytime bottles. We put all pacis out of sight and they are offered in bed only, and only one at that time (Magpie's preference is to put one in her mouth and hold another one or two for safe measure). We've been offering morning and night bottles on request, which she seems mostly not to be requesting. She's slowly drinking more milk from the sippy cup, although much less than when she drank from the bottle. I'm in no special hurry, and with the caregiver upheaval situation ongoing don't want to take away anything that is super comforting to Magpie, but we'd already started on the path, particularly in relation to bottles, and Will does not want to go in the opposite direction.

Regarding the Magpie waking issue - any ideas? We're dying over here with our girl up one and sometimes two hours every night. Do you think the lack of a nighttime bottle might be causing the overnight wake ups? We've also wondered if she's developing a fear of the dark and are experimenting with leaving a very dim light on for her, which helps with the going down to sleep but not with the overnight wake ups. Any other thoughts or ideas? Boy, I'll take anything at this point.

So that's it over here in Mo and Will and Magpie land. Overall things are good. But there are some challenges of late! Very much looking forward to things settling back down and the return of my eyesight (regarding that, please forgive any typos - I can't see them!).

Mo

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Bottle and pacifier weaning advice needed!

Magpie will be 18 months old at the end of April. Wow - how and when did that happen?

And she's doing great on pretty much every level - she's starting to talk in English and Spanish. She runs around like a maniac. She's even started announcing "poopy" when she's about to poop in her diaper, which I would imagine is inching us closer to the day she'll be ready to try out the potty (you know, should I ever get around to getting one).

She has a lovey she is very fond of and she sleeps through the night almost always (are we lucky or what?!). She is also very fond of her pacifiers and of her bottles (we allow no bottles in the crib, but she has a few bottles of milk a day). Pacifiers are used only during naps and at bedtime in the crib, not during the day (except on the Middle East flights!). But in any case, Will and I have thought that maybe it's time to start the weaning process on both the bottle and/or pacifier fronts.

This morning, I tried just giving the milk in her sippy cup when she asked for her "bottle." Magpie wasn't having any of it. She looked at the sippy cup and said, "agua?" even though it was obviously filled with milk. Obvious major mommy error here. It made me realize that historically, we have always given water in the sippy cup and always given milk in the bottle. In Magpie's mind, each of those beverages belong only in each of those drinking delivery devices. We spent a long time this morning with her lovey "Lambie" "drinking" milk noisily out of the sippy cup. Which Magpie thought was hilarious. But did not inspire her to try it herself. By the time I left for work, Magpie was still with the milk cup sippy but not even willing to try it that way. I told her caregiver to wait another hour or so to see if Magpie would give it a go, but at that point quietly put some milk in a bottle and put it down where she could reach it. Perhaps we should also start offering agua in a bottle occasionally? Except that we're hoping to cut out the bottles. Geesh, I don't know!

It's very unlike me, but I haven't done any research on this bottle and pacifier weaning thing. I wanted to ask you guys instead. In my book, those of you who have been through this already are the real experts.

For those that used a bottle - when did you phase these out? And how? Any tips?

And for pacifiers, same thing... in particular - what age did you do this and what was napping/sleeping like without them and how did everyone survive the transition?

On both fronts, anything you'd do differently now that you've been there done that?

I think we'd like to move in the direction of no pacifiers, and at least fewer bottles, but I'm in no super hurry about it. I also definitely want to be respectful and mindful that these are two things that bring Magpie comfort and soothing. So I'd like to find a way to do it that is as least traumatic as possible.

So, please, bring on the advice!

Most gratefully yours,

Mo (and Will, even if he doesn't know about this post yet!)

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