Cycle day 8 update

We are back from our trip. We had trouble communicating with our IVF center while we were out of town, with lots of balls dropped on their end about letting us know dosages and what monitoring to do. It was disappointing (and unusual as our center is usually so super-anal about everything) and culminated in our having to email my RE at 9pm at night (pros of having an M.D. spouse). Fortunately, my RE came through as usual and emailed us back that night and again the next morning to make sure we knew how to proceed.

I went in for ultrasound and blood work today and I seem to be responding to the Follistim, as my dose was dropped for tonight by 75 units. Physically, I can feel something happening: have had abdominal twinginess, and today's aggressive ultrasound probing left me cramping on one side for most of the day.

I had vowed not to pay attention to the details of how things are developing, but my acupuncturist wants updates so she can adjust my treatments. So much for avoiding obsessing! I think they said they saw 2-3 on one side around 12 and 2 on the other side around 11, with several smaller ones. But it all happened so fast, I'm not sure. Oh well. I can never figure out exactly how what they see on ultrasound translates into what happens on retrieval day anyway. So am trying to pay attention enough to tell the acupuncturist while not getting caught up in any specific expected outcome.

Mo

Thanksgiving

Mo and I are off to see her family. While visiting the in-laws is not always considered a holiday, both of us are looking forward to seeing her folks and spending some downtime. A little turkey and cranberry sauce mixed in will sweeten the trip.

We are on a plane right now, headed south. She's resting beside me, and I'm sitting here pondering the “thanks” in thanksgiving. My boss sent everyone on our team a Thanksgiving email cataloguing all he appreciates about each of us. Very unusual (unprecedented, really). It got me thinking about what I am grateful for.

So, here is Will's Top 10 List of things I am thankful for:

10. Fairway Market. This purveyor has been deemed combat shopping central. However, it is an excellent place to practice mindfulness and get great deals on fresh everything. I like it better than Gourmet Garage and the like.

9. New York City just after a rain shower or during a snowstorm. The natural beauty of the city really comes out during these times, maybe due to the effect of light and quiet. During these times I am reminded of the vastness of all this city has to offer. It is as if the rain has cleaned off the sidewalks and streets and announced a new beginning.

8. A smile from a stranger. New York is often described as hectic and filled with aggressive, rude people. True, but there are more nice people than mean. When I am late to work, the security officer always greets me with a smile and “good morning doc!” This brings a smile to my face even when I am feeling harried.

7. Fulfilling and exciting career. I love my work and feel like it loves me. I give my best and receive back much more.

6. Personal growth and awareness. This past summer was “the perfect storm,” as one friend put it: I got a major job promotion, was reeling from my father's recent diagnosis with a terminal illness, and then we had two miscarriages almost back to back. To be honest, I was overwhelmed with it all, and the resulting crisis led me to reconsider my life. It caused me to realize that I had not dealt appropriately with stress, going far back in time, and it became clear that I would need to make major changes to maintain my sanity and my marriage. The past four months I have done a tremendous amount of work to better define my dreams and aspirations and get grounded. This has resulted in an improved marriage and a better, more confident self.

5. Health. At my work I see a lot of patients similar in age to me with debilitating diseases, both physical and mental. I try to remember to be grateful for both my and Mo's health each morning as we get up.

4. Safety. This is a bit amorphous, but safety means that Mo and I have enough emotional reserve to weather storms. We have learned a tremendous amount about each other, sometimes startling, but all good to share. We also have stable careers which is very reassuring during this economic downturn.

3. Friends. I have not nurtured my friendships as well as I should. I hope in the next few months to pay better attention to this area of my life and am grateful for the presence of friends in my life.

2. Family. They may drive me nuts at times, but when push comes to shove, my brothers and sister have always offered their support to me.

1. Mo. Even sitting here in this airplane seat beside me, Mo offers me unconditional love. I feel it, I see it, I know it. I am a lucky human being to be able to walk on this journey of life with her. I think we are going to have a lot of fun and fulfillment in our love together. And hopefully, we can share that fun and fulfilment with a family of our own.

What are you thankful for in your life?

Will

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Mo here.

Wanted to say a quick hello. I am thankful for many of the same things as Will - family, friends, my health (knock wood) , and of course Will. I am also thankful that we live in NYC and have the emotional and financial resources to be able to pursue our dream of having a family together.

But I also wanted to pipe in and say how grateful I am to have found the blog community. When Will and I started this, we saw it as sort of a couples' journal of our IVF process, and it is. But neither one of us anticipated how meaningful it would be to hear from others in our same position. So that is one more thing we are thankful for. We read each and every comment. And honestly, we've been extremely moved by all of your stories and support.

Mo

Rocket man

I don't get many check-ups. Maybe since I am a doctor I think I don't need to have them, the "I know better" syndrome. Maybe I am scared of the unknown or of sharing my deepest secrets or most intimate body parts with a colleague. Maybe I think I know the limitations of medicine.

But with IVF, I cannot escape. Certain tests are dictated by our RE and others by my partner in crime, Mo. Deep down I want to be healthy, so the desire is also mine. And since Mo takes her shots and goes to her monitoring every day, I figure I can do my part too.

Which leads me to The Rocket.

My urologist wanted me to get my sperm DNA tested to be sure that a medication I'm taking is not affecting my swimmers. There is only one laboratory in the world that performs the test to detect damage in the DNA of sperm (aka sperm chromatin structure assay). And this lab is in - of all places - South Dakota.

To get my sample from New York to South Dakota, Fed Ex (for a cool $150) ships a sort-of-mushroom-shaped contraption that contains a white metal tank filled with dry ice. It is ridiculously bulky and even more ridiculously heavy - weighing probably 20 pounds. Mo and I took one look at it last cycle and christened it "The Rocket."

So when my urologist said I needed The Rocket again, I had it sent to my sister's apartment. Like I want my sister to know that I even have sperm! Sigh. But she has a doorman who will accept items like bulky steel rockets in the middle of the day. And Mo and I do not have a doorman (and with all we are spending on IVF, may never have a doorman).

When I heard The Rocket had arrived, I left work and headed to my sister's. I lugged The Rocket home and did my thing. The whole device is just...strange, with metal buckles, and pipettes, and whatnot. Adding to the effect is the fact that when you open The Rocket to put in the specimen, the dry ice inside emits a smokey fog. I felt like a mad scientist.

Next stop: Fed Ex. The curt woman behind the counter took one look at The Rocket, backed away, and said, "No way. I ain't taking that here. What is it?" I thought of being honest, but then decided that was probably a bad idea (plus, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth). So I told her a partial truth: that the tank contained dry ice. She stood her ground. "Sorry. I can't help you. We do not take dangerous materials at this Fed Ex." Now, I know dry ice is not dangerous, but I realized this was a dead end.

This exchange was repeated at three different Fed Ex centers. Picture me, schlepping this insane metal mushroom all over Midtown Manhattan, turned away at shipping location after shipping location.

I was starting to get annoyed. I was starting to feel a little sorry for myself. I considered shouting, "It's SPERM! OK? SPERM! Maybe with a DNA problem BUT SPERM!!!!" But I decided that would not be so effective. Finally, I went to Fed Ex's NYC headquarters where the clerk didn't even blink an eye. She acted like my rocket was the most normal thing to ship. In fact, she told me that there had been another guy there minutes before with a rocket like mine.

So just like that, when I was about to give up, The Rocket was launched. I picture it flying over South Dakota right about now.

I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

Mo starts stims Tuesday night. Wish us luck.

Will

Cycle day 3 update

Went in for bloodwork and ultrasound around (yawn) 7 a.m. this morning. Will came along and we signed all the consents and put the cycle on our credit card. Guess it's official.

The fellow did the ultrasound today. The antral follicle count was "more than five, less than ten" on each ovary. Good enough for me.

She then thumbed through my records. "So your first cycle was a success but your second was not."

I gazed at her and said, "Our first cycle was also unsuccessful. "

The fellow looked down at her notes for a minute and then back at me for a minute and then seemed to decide not to say anything more. I knew what she was getting at with her comment, but I couldn't let the teaching moment go. Note to fellow: a baby with double aneuploidy who dies in the first trimester is not exactly what I would classify as a "success." Certainly not the kind of success that we're looking for.

The IVF nurse will call tonight and tell us what dosage of Follistim to use and whether I start today or not. There's some question since we'll be away Wednesday through Saturday for the holiday. And although we'll be in a major metropolitan area with a fantastic medical center, the nurse made it clear this morning that our IVF center doesn't really trust us using any other lab. So they may delay my start date.

We'll see...I'll keep you posted.

Mo

Feathering the nest

We’re in the beginning stages of IVF #3, and after three pregnancies and then three pregnancy losses this past year, I’m frankly feeling a little detached from the whole process. I haven't hauled out the IVF books (still on the top closet shelf) and haven't scoured pubmed for the latest IVF research, like I usually do. I'm doing what I must: my shots, healthy-ish eating, and, yes, the one add-on of acupuncture. But I’m not engaging as much emotionally (at least I’m trying not to).

But my husband Will…well, he seems to be going a different way. As I looked around our apartment this morning, I realized that in certain ways, Will is taking a more active stance toward this cycle than I am.

I hadn't put it together before, as Will doesn't talk about IVF so much per se. But he has been quietly doing a number of things that taken together are quite striking.

For example, he just bought some kind of wireless radio/Internet thingie (he calls it the Squeezebox, I call it the Squawkbox) that will allow us to access to/listen to music all over the apartment.
(Me: "That's nice, honey.")

And he has been keen on putting wiring into the closet in our foyer, with the idea that we can move the printer, modem, router, and various other mysterious flashing electronic devices out of the second bedroom and into this closet.
(Me: "Huh? OK, whatever. Sure, fine.")

He also has been taking boxes and files and picture frames from the second bedroom closet to his hospital office all week.
(Me: Didn't even notice, actually.)

And then last night, he became downright insistent about getting to IKEA today to buy a third bookshelf-cabinet to match the other two in our foyer because, he says, we have to get organized. We’re renting a car and leave in two hours. There was really no talking him out of it.
(Me: Hmm...we're already pretty organized...this seems strange, but...ok.)

I don’t know how I could have missed the accumulating signs, but suddenly this morning it hit me.

Will is NESTING. Male nesting perhaps, but still.

This is a side of him I've never seen before. He may not talk about things so much, but there's a lot going on in that head of his.

It’s pretty sweet, actually.

Mo

How does your husband cope with IF/IVF? How do you wish he would? And any husbands out there, how are you dealing with it all?