8dp3dt: bargaining

Dear Universe,

I do not want to seem ungrateful for the multiple job offers and for the grant that now seems nearly approved. I have high appreciation for these things that have appeared in my life. And I realize that I've put some effort into achieving them.

Which is also what worries me. While I appreciate your recent occupational and educational largesse, I worry that it might cause some confusion on your part as to my priorities. From a quick observation, it might appear that I value my career and education over pregnancy and childrearing, but this would be an erroneous conclusion to draw.

My priorities remain the same: I, and Will, wish with all our hearts to have a family. We want this above all else.

Really, Universe, it shouldn't have to be a dichotomous decision, an either/or. After all, we are in the year 2009. But if you're feeling that I've already been given enough - or too much, even - I'd be happy to turn in my degrees, and the career opportunities, to have this one thing. Just one child. Will and I have even joked that we'll settle for half of a child at this point. But ha ha! we're kind of kidding about that, so please don't go and give us half a child!

Seriously, Universe, we could call it a fair trade: my professional life for a baby. If that's what it takes, just let me know.

So just to reiterate (and Universe, I apologize if I'm getting repetitive, but I just want to make sure I'm clear), please do not get confused by my recent luck in all areas not child-related. Don't count it against me. Although I do love my work, I'm sure I'm also trying to compensate for the lack of the one thing I wish for most, which is also the one thing I can't seem to achieve, no matter how hard I work at it.

Please, Universe, give it some consideration. We won't, I promise you, take a pregnancy or child for granted. Ever.

Sincerely,

Mo

7dp3dt: cannot compute

My carefully guarded sanity is starting to wane. Over the past week and a half, I started with a few days of excitement that I might be pregnant, moved into a phase of abject terror that we're pregnant with quints, and I have now, as of this morning, arrived in the land of absolute certainty that we aren't pregnant with even a singelton (coupled with the scary voice... and you never will be). Suffice it to say, the 2ww is hell.

After I posted a couple of days ago that I wasn't feeling anything, I promptly began to feel some pulling in my uterine area on both the right and the left (of course, immediately thinking omg, it's at least twins. akkk!). Now I'm back to feeling nothing. And I question whether I felt anything before either. Although I would have sworn that I did.

Adding to the complete craziness is the fact that my clinical internship ends June 30th and as those of you following this blog know, I have been thick in the process of trying to figure out what next year holds. I was offered one position last night, another one this morning. I am still waiting to hear whether the grant I submitted will be funded. And some of these people want an answer by tomorrow - which of course is before I'll know if I'm pregnant, and way before I'll know if I'm pregnant with two or more.

My head is simply spinning. I cannot figure out how to prioritize decisions with so much of my life currently in the land of uncertainty. Normally I proceed as though I am not pregnant, but it feels so very close to possible that I am pregnant (with twins or triplets maybe?!) that I cannot think straight at all.

Any words of wisdom?

Mo

Wednesdays with Will: together

Mo and I have been together for about 5 years and married for almost 2. Marriage has been wonderful but one aspect which I had not really expected was the degree to which our moods and attitudes would become intertwined.

Sure, I knew that we would share dreams and hoped we would often be "on the same page," but it is amazing how much our emotions play off each other. I guess I have been more aware of this recently. With the renewed hope that pregnancy is possible, we have both been feeling a bit more energized, hopeful.

For me it is a good reminder that no matter how things turn out in the next week, we need to support each other and give ourselves a break. These are difficult, stressful things we are working through.

Mo and I try to set aside a period of relaxation together in the evenings. We try to schedule something fun once a week, at a minimum. And, we attempt to do individual things that make us happy (TV, gym, reading).

If anyone has a ritual that has helped to relieve the stress load on you as a couple, let us know. We'd love to try something new!

Will

All quiet on the uterine front

It's 5dp3dt and all is quiet. No uterine burbles, no twinging, no nada. Really trying to not pay attention, but of course I am attuned to the slightest uterine twitch or hiccup. Or rather the absence of any of these. Which is ok. I am hyperaware of it, but it is ok.

Breasts? eh. They feel like they always do on progesterone. Huge and sore. Sort of like my butt does after these past seven days of PIO shots.

And I've got a little touch of heartburn. Which is strange. I never have heartburn. Maybe it's the estrogen and progesterone? Not sure.

According to the reading I've done, implantation should occur sometime between days 6 and 10 after ovulation/retrieval, which would mean sometime between last Sunday and the day after tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'm trying to lull some of these little guys into sticking around. In my softest, most convincing voice, I whisper, It's nice here. Linger a bit. You'll like it. Stay awhile.

We'll see if any of them are listening.

Mo

Oh, Honey, you shouldn't have!!!

In a fit of romantic fervor, my husband, Will, brought home a gift for me last Thursday after the embryo transfer.

I was overcome by his gesture of love. In fact, tears welled up in my eyes, because in his choosing of this gift, it was clear that my husband is one of the most considerate people I know. It was also clear that he truly knows me, inside and out.

You might be thinking Will brought me a bouquet of peonies, one of my favorite flowers... or that he brought home a bottle of my favorite Shiraz for one last toast. Or maybe you're guessing he brought me sweet strawberries dipped in Godiva chocolate.

You might be thinking any of these things, but you'd be wrong.

Will brought me a gift more attractive than any of these. He stood there, just inside the doorway, his arms outstretched. And when I saw what he held, I couldn't believe my eyes.

Twenty-five urine pregnancy tests.

That's right, twenty-five. That's enough for me to pee on until my little heart is content.

What a guy! (Although it also struck me that this gift is a little bit like buying a pyromaniac a jumbo box of matches. Still, thank you, Will!)

Mo